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myOtaku.com: Rinoa Heartilly07


Friday, January 6, 2006

Off-kilter
I'm not how I used to be. I've gotten softer. Weaker, I'm sure. It's not right. I don't like this me, not at all.

Well, that's not entirely the truth. I do enjoy being like this, just a little. That means Sakti is gone for the most part. That, she's practically gone. But, it doesn't feel right.

I used to be able to pull up my moral when I was beaten down. Able to pull myself together when I was staring defeat in the face. But when I was playing Risk with Squall-sama last evening and I made a fatal flaw very early in the game, I couldn't bring myself to play any more. I just couldn't. I actually wanted to cry and I'm not quite sure of the reason. Disgust at myself? The lack of hope? The thought that I, the supposed Warrior Princess, made a fatal flaw?

But then again, I gave up being the Warrior Princess a while ago. Something that seems lifetimes away.

This isn't me. This can't be me. It just can't! Everything I had orginally strived for in the beginning gone in less than a year?! And yet..some of that fury must still be there, burning, if I can want it. But innocent people can think they want something, but, deep down, they really don't want it at all. Is this one of those things? Do I think I want to follow the way of the sword again, when in fact, i really don't?

No..No, I won't let this happen. I've gotten too soft and I can't let it continue. I won't be as horrible as Sakti, but I can't kill her. She made who I was, and Squall made me who I am, but neither really did it without my consent...

But now...I have to forge for myself a new me.

Borne of Darkness. But still good. Fighting evil. Making up for what I did in the past. Learning.

I'm scared I can't do it though. I can't stand what I've become, but part of me actually likes this! There has to be a medium some where. There has to be!

But what if there isn't?
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