Saturday, January 29, 2005

If I go crazy then will you still call me superman?
Well here I am again, Seems like my computer didnt break again =)

Ive been thinking today... Mainly about me... But also ive been thinking again about my future, This time its more on a 'Will I ever get a serious Girlfriend' type theme... I hope so but there is that word again... fear

Now dont get me wrong I want to one day fall in love, Get married and have children ... I even thought up names for them =), The problem is that even if by some sheer stroke of luck i got my ideal girlfriend i wouldnt know what to do... I can very easily say im not very good with the entire 'Dating' thing... I get too nervous and worry about what i should say and what should be happening...

But still I do really want these things if only for the affection...
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Friday, January 28, 2005

The secret of the Hanged Man - the smile of his lips.
Well, Its been a long time since i last posted.... Various things have happened so im just going to write as i go and let spirit lead

My computer was Totalled by a virus (Which for good reasons could also be my little brother)

Anyway Ive spent this time reasonably wisely i think, Ive been thinking about my life... Its kind of difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into words for once but Im quite sure that im feeling a feeling i cansaftly say i havent felt in a long time... fear

Now dont get me wrong ive not over the space of time it took my computer to be fixed become a quivering senile madman with a keyboard at his disposal... Im perfectly fine emotionally and pyschically despite a back problem ;D

No ive begun to fear myself... Im really not amazingly happy about what I Am becoming and it is getting out of hand

Now 3-4 years ago if you asked me if id have thought id ever work at McDonalds for 3 months let alone 1 and a half years then id have dismissed it in a sinsh, Now its not just working at Mcdonalds that annoys me its the fact that i have most of the Managers approval on me being promoted but for some fucking strange reason im still not promoted

In the last 2 weeks Ive had backings from

*Cid
*Matt
*Prash
*Manchanmola
*Kumar
*Raju
*Moxon
*Gemma
*Sam
*Sandy

Ive practically convinced the entire management in theorie however the main reason me hasnt got a promotion is that they are possibly in some way prejudice against me i know it, there is no other reason (I reckon its the hair >_>)

And speaking of hair, as you know part of my dream one day is to have kickass long hair well quite frankly im a little nervous because at the moment im getting an evil foreboding that its not going to grow the way i want it too =( It seems to cant make its mind up what it want to do let alone what i want to do.

Also i feel that i seem to be in a ind of loop it seems to go

Work - Sleep - Work - Small social time - Work - Sleep - Work - Sleep - Work -Sleep - Tiny socail time (Derek probably perfectly understands this)

I wonder sometimes on if id had the chance to see ahead i wouldnt have made some of the dumbass desicions i have i mean ive made more these last few years than most people make in 20... The biggest being to go to Wakefield college rather than stay at my local sixth form because i wanted to 'see new places'

I real feel ive got something to prove this year or start to face up to a life of failure because ...well I feel i must

On these front im terrible

School/Education : To coin a quote from my tutor in english literature this year when talking to my mum.. 'He has exceptional talent but is poor due to poor attendance and over confident.

Now this relly got me thinking really, because i didnt see myself as over confident but being assertive and Enthusiastic and (*cough*) Confident

... Well maybe it used to be.

Even i admit nowadays that 3/4's of the too im too 'arrogant' for my own good but at same time i feel if i wasnt then id be downtrodden and walked all over and ive had enough of that as it is. I REALLY (And i capitalise REALLY) Need to cool down abit though my life is so hectic ateven though i probably not going to have major fun til June (5 months *pine*) But i really need to treat my friends better now im not saying that i Insult them infact if i stopped thinking as though im God id probably have some sort of remedy to my decaying socail skills.

No what i need to do more is complement my friends more than take the piss, I need to tone down Majorly in my Arrogance and i need to spend more time with them.

Id like to quote something here

'I Demand Nothing, But I want it all''

--In Flames - Embody the Invisible

I think thats really been my mentality for the last few years... So what is it im missing

Now dont get me wrong im not a follower of this entire 'He/She is popular/Unpopular' thing. However i dont see myself as 'unpopular' sorta average, most people know me but dont bother me and i wont bother them, The only people i get serious flack off are Boy racers, Big time chav's and a stupid Americain women whom likes Aeris Far too much.

My problem I belioeve lies in Three deciding factors

1)My few friends whom i am 100% confident to pour my heart out to live in cornwalland while i have the Internet thats ok, but when my comps out im left feeling really Isolated and when i need advice i get advice i trust. (Btw I love you Cornwallians \M/)

2)My Next big problem is that i havent got that many female friends in general whom i trust anything near half completly (With some exclusions - You know who you are.) I think the fact i dont have a female view on things has slightly handicapped me, Pity I dont have a sister... I always wanted a sister =(

3)I suck at meeting new people... Not much to explain, For nearly everyone ive met within 5 years ago from now I nearly always am too conscious on not being off putting that i am, That and i take a while to warm to most new people, I can only truely remember one person recently whom cast a very good first Impression on me... Marc, Even i dont know why but i got a good vibe from him (Even though he's music is differant to mine)

Personally I think another problem of mine is that I seem to have no past times nowadays When i was at school i played football and did fun runs ...and now to the complete Irony of everything im starting to develop a belly >_< (We'll see about that ... if i can be assed), Im stuck between too much sleep and work in my opinion in the last year or so my only skill improvement as my song writing and poetry my HTML skills have basically vanished so im going to need hobbies =)

Hopefully I can get this promotion to reinject some of the belief in this old thorned hearto mine... And talking about hearts dont even ask me whats going on at the minute one minutes its like... ''Ug Im so in need'' The next its all ''Fuck them, I dont need anybody'', Its because im picky i know it i mean not many ladies match my high standards (which are probably too high) seeing as women have to have :-

*High Intelligence
*Personalty
*Looks (Not supermodel looks but well... decent looking)
*Voice - I hate it Wakefield especially for this its almost like 8/10's of the women sound like men, no wonder the Chav's of Yorkshire look as ugly as they do *cackles*

I really need to get round updating my Wardrobes as well Im sick and tired of wearing shoes, I need to buy A pair of Casual wear and boots (Instead of getting overboard on CD's)

I am pleased with my CD collection at the moment, I could used afew more Death metal and Dark Atmosphereic CD's but overall im sound

Dont know why but I like Dark music more nowadays, Thank god for Dimmu/Satriycon/Ambeon/Gorgoroth/Stampin Ground etc....

Any way Ill try and update tomorrow

Mood = Good, Feel like ive got some honest flaws off my chest and can start healing these flaws now
Fav Track = Blaze - Kill And Destroy
Plans for Rest of Day: Not sleep, read/Start new book (Ill post title next entry cause i forget :P), Song writing/PC/Work/Sleep

Til Next time... Soryuken!
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Friday, January 14, 2005

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
^ So true :P

Any way Im just going to go ith teh flow here seeing as i havent planned what im gonig to write... I guess I better start with one of my favourate topic's ...Me =D

My day has been sorta random, its had its up and downs I arose from my bed chamber (lol) at 3:30pm when woken by my serving maid (aka. Mother) I then had a chat with my grandmother before going to work, In truth i wasnt up for an 8 hour slog against a Mcdonalds queue that even my and my amazing tilling skills didnt seem to want to be assed to worked, That and i seem to have fucked my back up every now and then it makes me wince O_o Meh! It'll go away by the end of the week....

Got home from work around 1'o clock AM when't on the computer for abit and listened to Ozzy, I also put my song drafts from my comp onto my laptop so now all my song writting is on my laptop. (When i finish one i deem kickass ill consider posting it here)

----

Plans for tomoz :-
*Sleep
*Cinema
*Finally get round to repling in 'The Marketplace'
*Buy New shoes for work.
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Thursday, January 13, 2005

So it shall be written, So it shall be done.
Before I start about my day and such I want to get things clear Here

Firstly i want it to say to some people out there that they are not the centre of the universe and to stop thinking they are so tragically given a poor lot in life. It really gets on my nerves when no matter what you say they keep wanting to pity themselves rather than listen to advice, Now dont get me wrong i can get depressed, Angry etc.. with people etc.. But I when i get advice and sympathy i appreciate it i dont just keep on whining on like im some kind of tradgic soul, The most important people in Life ... It isnt You, It isnt your family it's your friends... They Are the people you pick to hang with unlike your family (although the support of both is ideal) now your friends will stick with you through thick and thin, Good and bad... If you feel misunderstood, MAKE YOURSELF UNDERSTOOD, If they offer Advice at least look at it because it usually is made in your best interests.

Joe states here his annoyance at it as well and i couldnt agree more (http://www.livejournal.com/users/fibre_optix/)

(New Year thing cause i didnt do one)

Secondly i want to say to other people out there that Im really proud of them for putting up with my for what was as far as im concerned a difficult and life changing 2004, In general id like to thank Joe, Derek, Rhi, Beth, Prash, El, Ste, Oli, Stringer, Warren, G, Marc and any body i missed i love you all \M/

Id like to also thank the O'Neill family for there hospitality between December 15th and 14th it was my pleasure and i hope to see you again in the not too distant future.

Id Also like to thank The Various people at work that do the best to put a silver lining on a black cloud even though work wise its been a frustrating year for me.

And Finally Id like to thank all of the people in cornwall that havent so far backstabbed me, Id like to Thank Joe (Again), El, Marc, Beth, G And Tram for there hospitality (Soz If i missed anyone but i love ya all anyway)

End of New Year Message
--------------------------

Today was a good day but poorly spent, I slept til 3pm Then went to town with Stringer, First thing i bought with my new Wage was the offical sound track to Final Fantasy X for £40 from Ninja games which i was more than happy to part with seeing as I now have the Soundtracks for 7 And 10.

Afterwards we went down to Boardriders where stringer bought a teeshirt About Blowjobs >_>, However Afterwards we went to Hellraiser ^_^ and I bought a Kickass new Iron Maiden hoody for £30 (Its Seventh son of a Seventh son Themed) This wasnt in my original list of things to buy but it is a short term raplacement to my Old Metllica - Ride the Lightning one which is a little old and worn now.

I also bought 3 CD's while iwas at Hellraisers they are as follow :-

*Darkane - Expanding Senses (Finally Been after this for a while, Since i got my first In Flames album in July)
*Iced Earth - Horror Show (It was between this and Burnt Offerings, However Im gonna get them all eventually so why fuss over which you Get)
*Iron Maiden - Run to The Hills (Single)

We then went down to game, I was hoping to pick up a cheap version of neverwinter nights but alas they only had the expansion pack =(

Though a little Disappointed i wasnt In any way despirited and Next went to HMV TO Buy An Ozzy Osbourne CD (Specifically an Ozzy one) The choice in the end came down The 'No Rest for the wicked' and 'Bark at the moon', However i got ...Wicked because it had Zakk Wylde and because i wasnt greatly bothered which i got first as with the Iced Earth CD.

Afterwards I went to Argo to buy a Birth present for Mother that set me back £25

Only real Dim of the day is that Mark Barton (Who was supposed to Be covering my work shift in exchange for me doing his on Tuesday.)

I also gave mum £60 (30 Board, 30 For the laptop) Ive also ordered yet more *suprise* CD's of amazon these are :-

@ Iron Maiden - Iron Maiden (The Last Iron Maiden CD I missing *squee* (Barring live albums)(£8)
@ Ambeon - Fate of A Dreamer (£11)
@ Warlock - Triumph and Agony (£6)


Got home and had a fun/interesting/Random Conversation with holly, before G And The coach J got dragged into it, Turned into a general Discussion.

I even got in a brief discussion with G And Derek =) So yeah, Its been a good day. And im off to the Cinema's on Saturday with Stringer and possibly Oli to see 'Alexander' *Is looking forward to it muchly*

Mood = Good, Forefilled
Mood to Song = FNM - Star A.D
Current Fav. Person = Hard But i pick G or Holly
Moment of the day = Hard, Id say Holly Interrogating my personal life was amusing

I must here make a note to spend Some time looknig into the history of Alexander The Great because it seems an Interesting subject.

Well Until i update next

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Sunday, January 9, 2005

I've become the lie, Beautiful and free
===BK WARS===
===EPISODE UM... 7 o_o===
===THE 1447===

By Summer 2005

*Have £1000 under my belt
*Update Wardrobe
*Prepare next cornwall trip
*Hopefully get back into OGS, If nottake a postal course

By Winter 2005

*Back at OGS Hopefully
*If not have £1,500

---------------

Ah yes... Such simple plans for 2005 =)


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Saturday, January 8, 2005

Machine men, cannibals of rust
Sorry in havent updated recently but work and sleep have really been taking there toll on me, Ive had a mixed time since my last post.. Ill Start of with the bad things but move on to the good things...

Well, I have now offically quit Wakefield college, why? simple... Id much rather fucking sleep than put up with those fool's any longer, not only are the teachers lazy they are also idiots whom lost my prize english coursework which i spent weeks on >_>, My Situation at work is the same, The management are still treating me with a mild neglect while at the same time wanting me to do everything for them. Its almost as if they think im not getting ready to backstab them in there soft chewy caramel filled underbellies... YUMMY just think of the children... o.o ANYWAY moving on....

But anyway, Im far far FAR too cocky and kickass to worry about such meagor things as that, though it helps when 3 of my 6 News CD'S arrived yesterday they are as follows :-

*Bruce Dickinson - Chemical Wedding
*Iron Maiden - Virtual XI
*Blaze - As Live as it Gets.

I also seem to have gotten my artistic brain workingagain seeing as I wrote my first song in nearly 6 months around 3rd December and now I have writeen 3 in one week, The Titles are as follows :-

*They Are coming (You cannot get out)
*Pirates
*Angels and Puppets

Well Moods up, Ill explain goings on in more detail tomorrow so heres a round up..

Current Mood - Good
Song to Mood - Godsmack - Whatever
Fav. Song - Blaze - Silicon Messiah
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Tuesday, January 4, 2005

I suffer I bleed I die...Im Human
*Sigh*

Everything is so pointless ...College... Work.... .... At first I thought I had a small problem when it come to my time and my general situation.... Now it transpires that i am on a battlefield... I should know what one looks like... I study them enough...

...

Well I guess I better fill you in on my problems, The most immediate problem is that due to overwork, Poor attendance and lack of coursework (which i handed in >_<) I could be prematurely forced to leave college not even setting the plans i laid down into action and throwing a spanner into the works... What on earth possessed me to do my A Level'sat Wakefield college is far far beyond me, why oh why didnt I do them at my local 6th form that way i wouldnt be having to travel 2.5 Miles to College but would only have to walk 900 Metre's but No, I had to have a touch of Adventure, I had to be curious on what Wakey would be like... if only i could turn back times evil motherfucking hands...

Things arent much better at work, while I could commit murder and they wouldnt dare fire me they Infuriate me by passing meover for promotion for 3 people worse at the job than I, There just Prejudice Uncaring Motherfuckers, Its half their fault im in this mess >_>, Im going to tell them if i stay in college... Going to tell them EXACTLY what i think of them... That there a group of Spiteful Bastards how have been twisting a knife in my back from day one.... You Bleed for your job, You do more hours than Practically everybody, You simply become the best at your job and do you get the rightful promotion you deserve... No...

Bastards.

Now Onto my Issues at home, My fucking low life little brother Martin still hasnt got a Job, and if i get forced out of college then i have to start paying £120 a week board and as usual my mum doesnt give me any encouragement... I can see my dad shouting at me beyond the grave... He'd really be ashamed of me now <_>...

So Lets cap how my personal hobbies and free time is spent... Well thanks to the tag team of Work and college that aim to finally wreck me I only have access to the Internet at times when nobody else is on (Late night/Mornings) unless im lucky enough to get a day off...

I havent even got enough time to practice/learn guitar, Something Ive been looking forward to all month....

Id Quit work if i could... But the simple fact I need at least £200 to keep alive and not go crazy... And i REALLY Need my English A Levels ... Ill die without them *sniff*

Im Also quite worried bout my future relationship prospects I seem to be getting worse with my inter-gender connversation skills and at this rate im going to die Single <_>

And *Suprise Suprise* My Problems dont even end there, As planned in my amazing chart which Dictates my finance like a fucking premediated Hitler >_>, Well any way back to the point, Since as far back as September I decided thatI would completly update my Wardrobe by March but the thing im not sure whether I should go out (as planned) and Buy alot of Dark Satanic stuff or just buy low quey things (simple designs) I mean those fuckers at work give me enough stick about my hair, Im not sure if it would end if i showed up with Black Nail Polish. >_<

*Sigh I hate my life* Where Derek when I need him, He always cheers me up *Pines*
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Monday, January 3, 2005

Metallica - How To Improve Them
There used to be a time where Metallica used to be my favourate Music artist but in the last 10 months or so they have slowly gone down in my favourates lists, The reasons are various, firstly i like to rank my artists on my favourate Songs albums And ratio of good songs to bad songs... This last one is where Metallica Fail badly at Times.

To Point an Example I will use the Albums 'Ride The lightning' (1984) And the newest release 'St.Anger' (2003)

Firstly Ride The Lightning (1984)

Everytrack is Excellant the only Track That doesnt get an 8/10 or higher is 'Escape'

St,Anger however...

Tracklist..

1)Frantic (6/10
2)St. Anger(7/10)
3)Some kind of monster(7/10)
4)Dirty Window (4/10)
5)Invisible Kid (3/10)
6)My World (5/10)
7)Shoot Me Again (4/10)
8)Sweet Amber (5.5/10)
9)The Unnamed Feeling (8/10)
10)Purify (5/10)
11)All Within My Hands (3/10)

See what has happened they've got worse O_O!!!

How to fix the problem IMO:-

1)Fire/Dismiss Bob Rock, He noticably enough took control of producing Metallica's Albums after ...And Justice for all, All the following Albums where poorer than before Bob rocks arrival, All he has done is shorten the songs, Made the music less listenable and milked them for Cash.
2)Revive Cliff Burton from The Dead, Quite frankly if Burton hadnt methis Tragic end then Metallica never would have lost there cutting edge in Thrash music and he wouldnt have let them be commercailised, Newstead was not anadaquate replacement simply because he didnt have as much song writing talent as Burton... Hopefully Trujuo can help out in the songs department.
3)Get back to Old school Covers (Quite franky thecovers for 'Metallica', 'Load', 'Reload' and 'St.Anger' Sucked horrible... Whatever happened to the artwork on such classics as 'master of Puppets' ?
4)Take more time in gathering better and more intelligent inspiration... Some inspired by a Car ('Fuel') Do not square up to the serious inspiration behind the older Metallica stuff ('Ride The Lightning - False Execution)
5)Listen to There Fans! They should have learned by the release of Reload the fans where not happy with there change in direction.
6)Take more time in recording songs, It seems like The Last 3 albums where rushed as far asrecordings where concerned but they have proven they can right good one offs (such as 'No Leaf Clover', 'I Disappear' and '- Humamn) So it shows there not impicabable of writing good clever stuff
7)Work more on Guitar riffs than on Trying to gain quick Money for The next album
8)Get rid of those 'soup cans' (aka. drums) that where used in 'St.Anger'
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Red blood sunsets fading to pale dawn
30 Things I want to do Before i Die (Filler Day cause im too tired to do an 'actual' entry)

In No Order

1)Travel To China
2)Get A Smart/Good Looking GF, Complete With Personalty
3)Be reasonably well off money wise
4)Learn Martial Arts
5)Own over 300 Albums
6)Learn Another one or two Languages
7)Master Guitar
8)Become a better Vocalist
9)Get at least Trainee Manager at McDonalds (Improve CV)
10)Get my True Self Out
11)Grow My Hair to kickass Proportions

*Pauses to Mosh to In Flames - Only for The Weak*

12)Spend about a year in Japan
13)Move closer to my Friends
14)Own A Parrot (always wanted to :( )
15)Visit The Taj Mahel, Im actually interested in seeing it now
16)Getting Married and having Kids
17)Meet Bruce Dickinson
18)See A film version of ROTK Or create it myself *prays*
19)Become A Celebrity (More Ozzy style than say... Brittany O_O)
20)Become an Award winning Novellist
21)Unlock everything in ROTK 8
22)Go to University
23)Own a Katana

*Pause for Shdows Fall - The Power Of I And I*

24)Get a Ninja outfit
25)Write a full Life Story
26)Feel...
27)Find Atlantis (:P) I can Always Dream ;)
28)Star in an Action Movie
29)Get a Cape
30)Die hair every possible non silly colour
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Sunday, January 2, 2005

Let freedom ring with a shotgun blast
This is for all the People out there with 'Serious problems' now Im not saying im some expert on problem solving but I know what a problem is so Pay attention some of you...

NONE PROBLEM: Some 13 year old Kid whom gets so much homework he cant go out to his friend Davids suddenly gets the impression the world is against him - This isnt even a god damn problem therefore you should just knuckle down on work so you can go out after its done instead of whining, Stop wasting time cause you aighnt getting Sympathy from me.

Now: A Man has just been arrested for expecting gifts from a man he met the week before which turn out to be stolen Items, Now the man whom gave the gifts has gone missing and gave a false name and unless the man can refind this man he faces two years in Jail... Now that is an actual Problem

Example two

A boyracer goes into a McDoanlds, He faced by a really sexy male till worker ( ;) ), The boyracer like his usual dumb kind asks for 4 Double cheese burgers and a Large Strawberry Milkshakes However the stunningly sexy young man at the counter politely (At least for a boy racer) states there is currently no Milkshakes...

*Out of nothing The lights go out and the worlds saddest violen song begins to play, A solemn spotlight bears down on the boyracers face, The boy racer now sadly thinks (with face stupidily screwing up) ''My Life is Nothing''

Amazingly the only time they speak intelligent stuff is when there is no strawberry milkshake, In fact i think Strawberry milkshake in total should be banned, Then Boyracers would have to kill themselves

'Til Inext write please actually know what actual life affecting problems are or prove to be just as dumb as affore mention Boy Racer.


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