Friday, January 28, 2005

The secret of the Hanged Man - the smile of his lips.
Well, Its been a long time since i last posted.... Various things have happened so im just going to write as i go and let spirit lead

My computer was Totalled by a virus (Which for good reasons could also be my little brother)

Anyway Ive spent this time reasonably wisely i think, Ive been thinking about my life... Its kind of difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into words for once but Im quite sure that im feeling a feeling i cansaftly say i havent felt in a long time... fear

Now dont get me wrong ive not over the space of time it took my computer to be fixed become a quivering senile madman with a keyboard at his disposal... Im perfectly fine emotionally and pyschically despite a back problem ;D

No ive begun to fear myself... Im really not amazingly happy about what I Am becoming and it is getting out of hand

Now 3-4 years ago if you asked me if id have thought id ever work at McDonalds for 3 months let alone 1 and a half years then id have dismissed it in a sinsh, Now its not just working at Mcdonalds that annoys me its the fact that i have most of the Managers approval on me being promoted but for some fucking strange reason im still not promoted

In the last 2 weeks Ive had backings from

*Cid
*Matt
*Prash
*Manchanmola
*Kumar
*Raju
*Moxon
*Gemma
*Sam
*Sandy

Ive practically convinced the entire management in theorie however the main reason me hasnt got a promotion is that they are possibly in some way prejudice against me i know it, there is no other reason (I reckon its the hair >_>)

And speaking of hair, as you know part of my dream one day is to have kickass long hair well quite frankly im a little nervous because at the moment im getting an evil foreboding that its not going to grow the way i want it too =( It seems to cant make its mind up what it want to do let alone what i want to do.

Also i feel that i seem to be in a ind of loop it seems to go

Work - Sleep - Work - Small social time - Work - Sleep - Work - Sleep - Work -Sleep - Tiny socail time (Derek probably perfectly understands this)

I wonder sometimes on if id had the chance to see ahead i wouldnt have made some of the dumbass desicions i have i mean ive made more these last few years than most people make in 20... The biggest being to go to Wakefield college rather than stay at my local sixth form because i wanted to 'see new places'

I real feel ive got something to prove this year or start to face up to a life of failure because ...well I feel i must

On these front im terrible

School/Education : To coin a quote from my tutor in english literature this year when talking to my mum.. 'He has exceptional talent but is poor due to poor attendance and over confident.

Now this relly got me thinking really, because i didnt see myself as over confident but being assertive and Enthusiastic and (*cough*) Confident

... Well maybe it used to be.

Even i admit nowadays that 3/4's of the too im too 'arrogant' for my own good but at same time i feel if i wasnt then id be downtrodden and walked all over and ive had enough of that as it is. I REALLY (And i capitalise REALLY) Need to cool down abit though my life is so hectic ateven though i probably not going to have major fun til June (5 months *pine*) But i really need to treat my friends better now im not saying that i Insult them infact if i stopped thinking as though im God id probably have some sort of remedy to my decaying socail skills.

No what i need to do more is complement my friends more than take the piss, I need to tone down Majorly in my Arrogance and i need to spend more time with them.

Id like to quote something here

'I Demand Nothing, But I want it all''

--In Flames - Embody the Invisible

I think thats really been my mentality for the last few years... So what is it im missing

Now dont get me wrong im not a follower of this entire 'He/She is popular/Unpopular' thing. However i dont see myself as 'unpopular' sorta average, most people know me but dont bother me and i wont bother them, The only people i get serious flack off are Boy racers, Big time chav's and a stupid Americain women whom likes Aeris Far too much.

My problem I belioeve lies in Three deciding factors

1)My few friends whom i am 100% confident to pour my heart out to live in cornwalland while i have the Internet thats ok, but when my comps out im left feeling really Isolated and when i need advice i get advice i trust. (Btw I love you Cornwallians \M/)

2)My Next big problem is that i havent got that many female friends in general whom i trust anything near half completly (With some exclusions - You know who you are.) I think the fact i dont have a female view on things has slightly handicapped me, Pity I dont have a sister... I always wanted a sister =(

3)I suck at meeting new people... Not much to explain, For nearly everyone ive met within 5 years ago from now I nearly always am too conscious on not being off putting that i am, That and i take a while to warm to most new people, I can only truely remember one person recently whom cast a very good first Impression on me... Marc, Even i dont know why but i got a good vibe from him (Even though he's music is differant to mine)

Personally I think another problem of mine is that I seem to have no past times nowadays When i was at school i played football and did fun runs ...and now to the complete Irony of everything im starting to develop a belly >_< (We'll see about that ... if i can be assed), Im stuck between too much sleep and work in my opinion in the last year or so my only skill improvement as my song writing and poetry my HTML skills have basically vanished so im going to need hobbies =)

Hopefully I can get this promotion to reinject some of the belief in this old thorned hearto mine... And talking about hearts dont even ask me whats going on at the minute one minutes its like... ''Ug Im so in need'' The next its all ''Fuck them, I dont need anybody'', Its because im picky i know it i mean not many ladies match my high standards (which are probably too high) seeing as women have to have :-

*High Intelligence
*Personalty
*Looks (Not supermodel looks but well... decent looking)
*Voice - I hate it Wakefield especially for this its almost like 8/10's of the women sound like men, no wonder the Chav's of Yorkshire look as ugly as they do *cackles*

I really need to get round updating my Wardrobes as well Im sick and tired of wearing shoes, I need to buy A pair of Casual wear and boots (Instead of getting overboard on CD's)

I am pleased with my CD collection at the moment, I could used afew more Death metal and Dark Atmosphereic CD's but overall im sound

Dont know why but I like Dark music more nowadays, Thank god for Dimmu/Satriycon/Ambeon/Gorgoroth/Stampin Ground etc....

Any way Ill try and update tomorrow

Mood = Good, Feel like ive got some honest flaws off my chest and can start healing these flaws now
Fav Track = Blaze - Kill And Destroy
Plans for Rest of Day: Not sleep, read/Start new book (Ill post title next entry cause i forget :P), Song writing/PC/Work/Sleep

Til Next time... Soryuken!
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