Wednesday, February 18, 2004

The Offences of Ogres
Anyone who has read any of the Offences of Ogres will find it confuesing (even I do), so if anyone has any questions please let me know and I will answer them (even if I don't know the answer).
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Monday, February 16, 2004

Chaptr 9: The piontless Conversation! And then some...
heres chapter 9


Harofeld

‘How in the three hells are we going to kill that thing!’
‘Well Salvador it’s like this, you run up to it and cause a distraction, meanwhile myself and Brigand will kill the satanic from a safe distance. So Salvador what do you think? ’
‘…’
‘Well?’
‘…’
‘Listen Coarse, I don’t think my crossbow and your spear could kill that thing.’
‘You just don’t understand! My plan is foolproof!’
Salvador finally stepped in ‘Never underestimate the intelligence of a fool, Coarse Aggressor! For they are stupid and prone to ruin things!’
‘That’s why the plan is perfectly fool proof.’ Coarse said with a big grin.
‘Well it doesn’t matter anymore. The satanic's gone.’
‘WHAT!’
‘I glad it’s gone. Now we don’t have too worry about being killed.’
‘Salvador has a point Coarse, but now we may have to worry about that.’
‘About what?’
Brigand pointed upwards. A Large black creature took up most of the sky. ‘It’s a dragon!’ Salvador said in awe.
‘No dragon is that big and made of metal, well metal dragons are made of metal but they don’t count!’
‘Why not?’
‘Because they don’t Brigand Knave.’

The Dragon type thing eventually flew past Harofeld and made its way east. A piercing cry came from the Dragon type thing. ‘My fellow adventurers, we are about to embark on a quest that will effect the Mirror for ever!’
‘Coarse, one I’m not an adventurer, two why would we want to get messed up in something which destroys a whole town (except for Bob) with a satanic, makes satanics vanish and has control of a giant metal dragon type thing!’
‘Once again I’m agreeing with Salvador!’
‘But, Brigand think of all the money we’ll get from this.’
‘How much?’ Brigand said very intrigued.
‘More than you can imagine!’
‘Well I can imagine a lot.’
‘You’ll get it, and then some!’
‘And then some, eh.’
‘And Salvador think of the publicity you’ll receive, then everyone will want to buy your book.’
‘How much publicity?’
‘More than you can imagine!’
‘Well I can imagine a lot.’
‘You’ll get it, and then some!’
‘And then some, eh.’

‘Well then, we’ve agreed lets go and save the world!’
‘I didn’t agree with that.’
‘Publicity.’
‘Oh! And then some…’


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Thursday, February 5, 2004

Chapter 8: The test of Pain! The Danger of Dagger!
Chapter 8 is finally here! Enjoy.

Numbers in brackets are footnotes!



Present Day

The door opened. A well-dressed man came out. This is Lanca Starme; he is owner and founder of the Mantra Colapadadle Bodyguard Emporium and Training center. He was once a bodyguard to Emperor Alberto Courtly, the greatest emperor to have ever ruled the southern Mirror.

‘Mr Absolute, please come this way.’
Pain walked through the door; Lanca sat down at his desk. ‘Sit down please.’
Pain sat down. He didn’t look impressed. ‘To become a member of MCBS(1) you must pass a field exam, do you have any problems with this?’
Pain looked up; still he didn’t look impressed.
‘Well lets get started shall we.’
He led Pain outside and pointed to a shop down the street. ‘Get me to there without anything happening and you will pass the test.’
Lanca began to walk down the street, suddenly three ninjas appeared. The ninjas were armed and were ready to take the life of Lanca. Pain saw this and smiled. He took out three kunais and threw them. Each one of the projectiles hit the ninjas in the forehead. Pain walked calmly up to Lanca. ‘Did I pass?’
Lanca looked shocked. ‘That wasn’t part of your test. They were three real ninjas sent to kill me. I think these were some of the elite ninjas who serve Dagger!’
‘If these were elite I’d have a good laugh if I saw their worse.’
‘Well, Mr Absolute, welcome aboard!’
Pain Smiled.


(1) Mantra Colapadadle Bodyguard Society
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Tuesday, February 3, 2004

3 months later...
This is the next part of The Offences of Ogres. It's not long enough to be a chapter but I have the next chapter finished soon!

3 Months later at the Watashi Chikara Dojo…

‘Sensei, I must know, why must I know Watashi Chikara, there are more powerful sword arts.’
‘True, but this one is the one you need. Power from one self is the way.’
Pain smiled.
Yojimbo smiled back. Pain had only known Yojimbo for three months and they had become close as father and son.
‘Soon you shall be ready...’

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Saturday, January 10, 2004

Chapter 7: The Mysterious Samuri! Assassin Attack!
numbers in brackets are for footnotes...


Let’s take a break from our bunch of heroes and their pile of ash which used to be Bob the screamer of help. (I did my research; this is what his name was. It’s amazing how stealing village profiles comes in handy.)

The city of Mantra Colapadadle (pronounced col-ap-a-dad-le) is the roughest town on the Mirror. Many people won’t even go outside without a hired bodyguard. Bodyguards are very expensive, and the cheapest will only manage to get you to the corner shop and back.
The newest bodyguard is a young man known only as Pain Absolute. Pain was brought up by no one, thus he’s a natural loner. However on his 13th birthday a man approached him with a proposition. The man is, or was Yojimbo Amidamaru. A legendary Samurai, who is rumoured to have never lost a single battle. His sword techniques take years to master, but he thought it would only take months for a certain 13 year old boy…

5 years ago in Harusame(1)…

The rain hit the floor faster and harder as the seconds ceased their existence. A woman walks to her home quickly so the basket she carries won’t get wet. A man smoking looks up to the sky and then slowly walks away with his hands in his pockets.
A crack of thunder was heard above, as the rain became harsher. Everyone who chose to ignore the rain went to his or her homes or places of shelter. All except a lonely young boy who remained seated on the hard floor with his back leaned against a wall. His face buried in his knees.
What little could be seen of his face showed that he was miserable. A lifetime of unhappiness, this boy had never had parents, they were believed dead. He’d not allowed any orphanage or foster carers to take him in. He’s a lone wolf, and that’s how it was to stay.
A creaking sound was heard towards his left. He looked up to see what it was. Someone had came through the wooden doors that mark one of the four entrances of Harusame. The man’s head was hidden in under a straw hat. He wore red and white robes and on near the man’s waist was a long katana.
He approached the young boy. And said:
‘Your life has no meaning. You sit there hoping someone will solve your problems. I can do that.’
The boy lifted his head and looked at the man’s face, with amazement in his eyes. It was hard to tell if the boy was crying or if it was just rain. The man extended his arm.
‘Come and realise your destiny!’
He lifted the boy to his feet. ‘Come. You will be my apprentice and I your teacher.’

A group of men started to come down the street. The leader stood forward, and shouted:
‘Yojimbo Amidamaru, we’ve been sent to kill you!’
Yojimbo took of his hat and looked at the leader of the assassins then smiled. ‘So be it.’ Yojimbo said confindently.
The first assassin ran towards Yojimbo screaming, Yojimbo as quick as a flash unsheathed his United Dragon silver blade and slashed the assassins mid section.
Yojimbo stood right and smiled at the group. ‘Who’s next?’ Yojimbo said while almost laughing.
The leader said: ‘Leave him to me!’
He threw three kunais at Yojimbo. He leapt in to the air and slit the leader's throat.
‘Flee, your better has been beaten.’ He said to the other assassins.
The remaining assassins ran away, one nearly fell over. ‘It will be a hard journey but someday you’ll thank me...’


(1)Harusame= Spring Rain


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Monday, December 22, 2003

Chapter 6: Coarse's Plan! Slay the Satonic!
numbers in brackets are footnotes!!!!


A merry band of Hero’s and the villager looked towards Harofeld, an enormous purple devil with eyes as red as something really red and black horns as big as the same black horns, let out another cry.
The great demon(1) turned around and breathed a black flame towards Salvador, Coarse, Brigand and the not so happy villager (for simplicities sake lets call him Bob).
Salvador’s last thought was ‘Aw nuts. I’m going to die, that pension was a waste of money.’ Coarse thought ‘I wonder why I’m just staring at the black flame instead of avoiding it.' ’ ‘I hope they have that soap I like in heaven,’ was almost the last thought of Brigand.
The villager a.k.a. Bob, last thoughts were ‘That demon toasted my village and killed everyone in it. So if I survived it once I’ll survive it again!’
Unfortunately Bob was transformed into a smouldering pile of ash. So were some trees but only a bunch of Elves (2) will complain about that. Coarse being the smartest of the four grabbed Brigand and Salvador and leapt to safety.
Coarse looked towards the remains of Harofeld and smiled. ‘Well boys, We’ve got a demon to slay!’


(1) The demon is actually a Satanic; an evil demon race dedicated to doing demonic things such as; demonising, deiving, demmonside and illegal dangling on sports events, etc.
(2)This book is entirely fiction (well Duh!) so any Elf’s reading this book that want to complain they can kiss my ass. Wait, I can’t swear, well f*** you! You beeped me! I can’t believe you f****** beeped me! You f****** did it again, you F*****!
So your suing me now well F*** you.


Next chapter takes us away from our heros and a darker story begins, but what has this got to do with the price of fish? Find out next week!
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Sunday, December 21, 2003

Chapter 6: Coarse's Plan! Slay the Satonic!
Get ready for tommorow is chapter six!
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Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Chapter 5: The First Danger! Villager Cries Help!
Numbers in brackets yadda yadda yadda...
‘’Ell oo ‘ares.’
‘ I do. If it weren’t for you two I would have been blown to smithereens! And to think my death has been prevented by a mugger and a barbarian.’
‘ Technically my good sir, I’m not a barbarian. You probably noticed that I not wearing a loincloth so I’m not a barbarian. On an additional note I don’t like big, heavy, clumsy weapons that are hard to use.’
He was right he was wearing leather and animal fur (Fur isn’t murder but killing someone is). And he seemed to be carrying a spear. He was also wearing a cloak and had his head hidden in a hood.
When he removed his hood he revealed a cheerful face with curly blonde hair. His mouth stretched from one side to the other with a comforting smile.
‘ Arm no ‘ugger. Arm actually Brigand Knave! The best thief on the whole Mirror!’
‘Your voice went back to normal.’ Added Coarse.
‘ It did. Oh! I mean… Ith ‘id?’
‘ Your just putting it on aren’t you!’ said Salvador with great delight.
‘ Well yes, but it doesn’ change the fact that I’ll follow ya.’
‘ I’m not going anywhere now! In case you haven’t noticed Harofeld Just blew up!
‘It wasn’ me so why you complainin’.’
‘I’m not, it’s just that a whole city blew up and neither of you are bothered.’

‘I’m bothered. Hundreds of people just died. But I guess 20% of them were evil.’
‘You don’t sound bothered!’
‘Well in my experience it’s best to look on the bright side of life.’ Upon hearing this Brigand started to whistle.
‘Well hundreds of people can’t look at any side of their life now because they don’t have one!’
‘Why don’t they jus’ get a new one then?’
‘You can’t just buy a new life! Plus I don’t believe in reincarnation.’
‘Well uh-la-de-da Mr. Quench(1) man.’ Brigand remarked.
‘Here I thought that fighter was stupid.’ Salvador said to himself.

‘HELP!’A villager from Harofeld came running towards them. ‘A demon, a demon from the bowls of Hell!’
‘Come on,’ spoke Coarse, ‘that’s a bit dramatic.’
A great howl was heard.
‘Yep, that’s real dramatic.’ Brigand said really sarcastically.


(1)Quench is a country on the mirror, which is famous for its snooty inhabitants.

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Tuesday, December 9, 2003

The Offences of Ogres: Chapter 4: The Heroes formation
Heres chapter 4. Numbers in brackets are foot notes.

On the way to Harofeld…
‘ I’m sorry but we been looking every were for this horse.’
‘ No you couldn’t have been, it’s the horse I got from Ogreopolis.’
‘ Ha! A confession!’
‘ No it’s the truth. I haven’t stole this horse.’
‘ Who said anything about it being stolen. We wanted to give it a prize. But now that you’ve told us it’s stolen we’ll have to take you down town.’
‘ This is why civilised places use clerics to enforce the law and not fighters.’
‘What you say?’
‘ Nothing that should be heard by you.’
‘Do you think I’m afraid of you just because you’re a wizzy (1)?’
‘ I’m not a wizzy! At least I don’t think I am.’
‘Okay then mister wizzy, I’m going to count to three, and if your not dead I’m going to run away in terror. Agreed?’
‘Erm… sure!’
‘1…2…erm.’
‘3.’
‘Arrrrrrgggghhhhh!’
‘That was easy.’
‘ ’Ell guess what?’ said an old voice. ‘It just got ‘arda!’
A crossbow was put to the back of Salvador’s head (if you hadn’t guessed it was Salvador go to the nearest mental institution and commit yourself. (Ask for bill)).
‘ To be honest this is a different thing so that never got harder.’
‘Ooh! Rights, nows I gets it. But still give me all ya mooney!’
‘ I don’t have any.’
‘Well, ‘m gonna fallow ya.’
‘ Why?’
‘Sos I can make sures whens yous gets some mooney ‘a cans ‘ake it.’
‘ Wouldn’t it be easier to just go and take someone else’s money? I’m in a hurry.’
‘Wheres ‘uo be owen?’
None of your business.’
‘ ‘Ell ‘ith ee abble ta ‘ill ya wery eazelly, I’d sway ya betta ‘ell mwe.’
‘ Okay, I’m going to Harofeld.’
‘ I?’
‘The Ogre research convention slash meeting.’
‘Da eatings all abou slashin’ ‘uff.’
‘ No I meant convention/meeting.’
‘Oh I see.’
‘ What happened to your accent?’
‘ Usn’t ee!’
‘ It was I! Harold Henerfourth the fifth!
‘ At’s ‘ot ‘er ‘ame! ‘It’s Coarse Aggressor.
‘ I heard of you. Aren’t you that assassin who tried to kill Quenenyan Baracondarg Buckingthem? (2) ’
‘ That wasn’t me. It was Curse Aggressive.’
‘Oh. Then I haven’t heard of you.’
‘So now that everyone knows my name we can carry on with our perilous quest.’
‘To walk down the street.’ Added Salvador.
‘Er, yes! It’s perilous none the less. I mean we could fall over and break our legs, a tree could fall on top of us er…’
‘ ‘O ‘eally it’s ‘ot at ‘erilous.’
‘ Er…yes!’
‘You say that a lot.’
So our hero’s (or whatever you want to call them) walked down the street. As they got to the end of the street they saw Harofeld blow up.
‘I told you it was perilous.’


(1)A wizzy is a wizard. This fighter isn’t very smart. That’s why he calls wizard’s wizzys. Or should that be wizzies...

(2) This happened when the grand barbarian tournament Castoverta. Curse Aggressive lost, so he tried to kill Queen Baracondarg Buckingthem.
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Monday, December 1, 2003

The Offences of Ogres: Chapter 3 Orcolph Hitlar
Heres chapter 3. If you have any queations related to The Offences of Ogres please let me know

Meanwhile at the Prison for Evil People: You’ll never find a place with more evil people!

The maximum-security wing is for the worst people in the jail. You would have a better chance of finding a Trillion gold coins on the floor in a poor house than escaping from the maximum-security wing. Although some found 999,999,999,999 gold coins in a poor house once…

Orcolph Hitlaar was the most secured in the whole prison. He had managed to get the orcs and goblins to wage war on the dwarves, made Red Arrow hospital service start a brutal army of punished and get the members of Frontboulevard Elves to reform their group.
That was only 1/200th of his criminal record and it’s believed that it’s only 1/50th of what crimes he actually committed. He was finally captured after a bloody battle with his bank manager who said he took out all of his money to buy the pop band D-rings 7. Hitlaar said he didn’t and the money was stolen. The D-rings 7 where found in Hitlaar’s mansion. Their performances were not acceptable thus they were brutally slaughtered.
Hitlaar was forming a plan to escape. He had thought of ways to get past the 13 enchantments, 45 barriers, 9 charms, 84 spells, 19 walls, and 50,000 soldiers armed with powerful weapons and armour and who knew 4 yellow magic spells, 1 brown, 2 green, 13 white and 25 black. The only problem now was the old man at the entrance.
Know it may seem laughable that the only thing Hitlaar couldn’t get past but this manwas quite special. His name is Harry. His full name is actually Harold Harbinsonson Manerworth Crim’sson Warebearton the 2nd. He’s a psionic. As soon as anyone tries to escape they get in 5 miles of him and then they run back to their cell and become a model prisoner (a good prisoner not one made out of plastic (or wood. or clay. Or whatever).
Hitlaar had thought and thought of ways to get past the old man. But, alas, he couldn’t. So he did the obvious; he tried to escape anyway. After he got past the last guard (we won’t go into how he got past everything.) he made his way to the exit.
They say a psionics mind is so powerful, that they can kill someone in their sleep without thinking about it or knowing it. But the thing is Harry wasn’t asleep, he was dead. The doctors spent weeks trying to work out how he died and then they finally realised that he had a knife fully impaled into his back.
So Hitlaar walked out like an orc walking out of the Prison for Evil People. He was very happy. Well I guess anyone would be happy if they escaped from prison. Now that he was free he was about to hatch an evil scheme. Then he thought he didn’t like eggs so he decided to launch an evil scheme but that reminded him of his fear of hights. ‘I know’, he thought in his Orc-like brain (most likely an Orc brain) that he would release his evil scheme. Now he had to get to Harofeld, the grand Ogre watch –im-a-thing is today…
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