Sunday, November 30, 2003

Chapter 3: Tommorow
Tune in tommorow for chapter 3 of The Offences Of Ogres
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Monday, November 24, 2003

The Offences of Ogres: chapter 2 Salvadors life
numbers in brackets are for foot notes.

8 hours later…
‘I’m home. Ow! My heads killing, I can’t remember what happened last night. Either I went to the village and had one to many badger intestine beers or I had a fight with that no good b******, Oswelled Ongeredden. Well I have crab slime on my clothes presume I was drunk. And I think I paid with some of my research again because I have a bill in my pocket.’
This man is Salvador Baracondarg, as you found in the first paragraph. If you have not read that paragraph I suggest you do. Salvador is an author who writes about Ogres. This also is briefly explained in the first paragraph. He has 3 sisters and several brothers named Bill. One sister is a famous dragon Knight, another is famous for inventing the magically driven tooth bush and the other became Queen of a neighbouring country. His brothers own an all you can kill then eat store which has become very popular in several (I mean, all) Kingdoms. He for some reason studies Ogres.
He isn’t short on money, the 4th most famous Alchemist (Nico Las Steal) invented a hat which spewed out the amount of coins the wearer wanted at that time. Salvador has the prototype which gives it’s owner 20 gold coins a day. This covers the bills, but he makes 30 gold coins from the Harofeld Ogre Research Society. (H.O.R.S)
Salvador is often mistaken for a wizard. He wears red, tatty, weather worn robe, and a pointy green hat and a short white beard. This is peculiar because he has brown hair and is to young to start growing white hair.
Life is pretty boring for studing creatures’ bent on destruction and war. They seem to live a normal life. In fact one week the most interesting thing was Ogdener Raisenclubber put out the clothes to dry on the line. They live like humans except more violence and less politics. Their way of life is far better than ours.
Salvador’s book; The Offences of Ogres; The Ultimate Guide to Ogres is still a work in process but it is predicted to sell 50,000 copies.(1) So this will make higher than his brothers at lest.
So Salvador still suffering over his hangover went to the bathroom and had a wash. Then he put his clothes in the wash tub and put on a set of dark blue robes with gold around the edges. He had received these clothes for all light night(2) for a Royal Banquet his sister, Quenenyan, had invited all the family too. So his twin sister, Pearly bought him new robes so he would look nice. If she saw them now she would collapse! They were torn, stained (with Ogre and his own blood, crab slime, badger intestine beer and other alcohol and chocolate from the cake he received for his birthday) and they were un-ironed.
Ogerwerd Manerwart takes care of him by doing his washing and cleaning. She isn’t really an Ogre; she was transformed into one and was shunned from society so Salvador brought her to Mt. Ogrekill were he introduced her to her now husband.
Then Salvador remembered something; it was the Grand Meeting of Harofeld Ogre researchers Society today. It was a 4-hour journey by foot and 2 hour journey by horse. It started in 10 minutes.
He quickly ran to the stables in town so he could hire a hoarse, even though he knew he wouldn’t make it. Though he had to try at least then he could just say he was late instead of he forgot. After purchasing the best horse he could get, (Shadow e-mail) he rode through Ogreopolis. Faster than an elf being told you can get free tree houses at Happy Hippie Tree House Emporium.

(1)This is because 50,000 Ogre Hunters/researchers wanted to get to know their prey/subject in detail to help them kill/study Ogres.

(2)This is a festival on the Mirror the sun stops for 24 hours at certain places once a year. This is celebrated because (everyone gets a day off work and) all night creatures, monsters and fiends die when they come to terrorise people. The date changes every year so they don’t know when not to come out.

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Sunday, November 23, 2003

Chapter 2
Chapter 2 of The offences of Ogres will be posted tommorow

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Monday, November 17, 2003

The Offences of Ogres: chapter 1 My name is...
This is a book I'm writing and I thought I'd put bit's of it on my otaku.
The numbers in brackets are for footnotes.

‘My name is Salvador Baracondarg. I live on Mt. Ogrekill. I live there because I am interested in Ogres. You see, many creatures roam our planet but unlike the ogres they are too smart. Recent studies show us that the only creature without a brain is the troll but there are too many types of Trolls so it gets confusing so that’s why I stick to Ogres.
One thing I’ve learnt from ogres is that the only were to kill a man is to take his head and shove it up his a… well that’s not important. That is covered in chapter 3: An Ogres Daily Routine. The Ogre starts its life emerging from its father. For some reason in the ogre world Men are Women and Women are Men. Some say that the women are women and the men are men. Also those people feel that the person who theorised this (Henword Diskings) is a dingbat from Surry.
But the fact is Henword Diskings is a great big manpa(1). After speaking to him on several occasions and stealing research that shows some possibility of being fact he even said he was a Manpa. Although he thought I was on about his grand children. On another note he does not live in Surry, he lives in Sury, it’s totally a different place.
The smartest Ogre in history is Wobbert Swee Wicherdwon. He is famous because he actually discovered a scientific theory about rocks, which proved to be correct.(2)
‘And then the cleric said; “I think we should discuss this downtown at the temple”.
“ Why can you only eat things that are green on Thursdays according to the God of grass and we can only eat red food on Thursnights according to Blazing-flameo the fire god. Which is right?”’

‘Excuse me sir, but you passed out. I think 15 beers were too much for you.’
‘Listen, Mr Biscuit Butter Boil For 3 Minutes Until It Explodes Barman, You can’t tell me how many badger intestines beers are too much for me. Only the courts can do that. You have real pretty eyes.’
‘I’m calling you a crab (3).’
‘How dare you call me that, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…’

(1): A Manpa is someone who just makes stuff up. Though like a Scientist, Manpa’s actually make up some evidence to support their theory

(2):This was Ogre fact discovered by Wenwobbed Wiskiss, a Bard who sang to plants hoping they would grow so large that he would have an unholy army of daffodils. All that happened was he won Beraponds annual flower competition.

(3):In Ogreopolis (the village that was once owned by Ogres) giant crabs are used for transportation because they are commonly found in the swamp and then the Village Council use the slave spell and then it saves them money. The Ogres don’t own it any more because they went back to Mt. Ogrekill for a day. Then they went inside their houses and they forget how to open the front door and the back door has those that family of nasty looking rats, so after 5 years the Clerics took over again. Though some people are still waiting for the Ogres to come back...
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Wednesday, November 5, 2003

   I just went watching Matrix Revolutions and I was really impressed. Although I was quite disappointed with the ending which left lots more of unanswered questions. Hopefully the Wachowski brothers will do something to wrap it all up. I doubt that there'll be another movie but maybe something like the Animatrix.
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