Monday, November 17, 2003

The Offences of Ogres: chapter 1 My name is...
This is a book I'm writing and I thought I'd put bit's of it on my otaku.
The numbers in brackets are for footnotes.

‘My name is Salvador Baracondarg. I live on Mt. Ogrekill. I live there because I am interested in Ogres. You see, many creatures roam our planet but unlike the ogres they are too smart. Recent studies show us that the only creature without a brain is the troll but there are too many types of Trolls so it gets confusing so that’s why I stick to Ogres.
One thing I’ve learnt from ogres is that the only were to kill a man is to take his head and shove it up his a… well that’s not important. That is covered in chapter 3: An Ogres Daily Routine. The Ogre starts its life emerging from its father. For some reason in the ogre world Men are Women and Women are Men. Some say that the women are women and the men are men. Also those people feel that the person who theorised this (Henword Diskings) is a dingbat from Surry.
But the fact is Henword Diskings is a great big manpa(1). After speaking to him on several occasions and stealing research that shows some possibility of being fact he even said he was a Manpa. Although he thought I was on about his grand children. On another note he does not live in Surry, he lives in Sury, it’s totally a different place.
The smartest Ogre in history is Wobbert Swee Wicherdwon. He is famous because he actually discovered a scientific theory about rocks, which proved to be correct.(2)
‘And then the cleric said; “I think we should discuss this downtown at the temple”.
“ Why can you only eat things that are green on Thursdays according to the God of grass and we can only eat red food on Thursnights according to Blazing-flameo the fire god. Which is right?”’

‘Excuse me sir, but you passed out. I think 15 beers were too much for you.’
‘Listen, Mr Biscuit Butter Boil For 3 Minutes Until It Explodes Barman, You can’t tell me how many badger intestines beers are too much for me. Only the courts can do that. You have real pretty eyes.’
‘I’m calling you a crab (3).’
‘How dare you call me that, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…’

(1): A Manpa is someone who just makes stuff up. Though like a Scientist, Manpa’s actually make up some evidence to support their theory

(2):This was Ogre fact discovered by Wenwobbed Wiskiss, a Bard who sang to plants hoping they would grow so large that he would have an unholy army of daffodils. All that happened was he won Beraponds annual flower competition.

(3):In Ogreopolis (the village that was once owned by Ogres) giant crabs are used for transportation because they are commonly found in the swamp and then the Village Council use the slave spell and then it saves them money. The Ogres don’t own it any more because they went back to Mt. Ogrekill for a day. Then they went inside their houses and they forget how to open the front door and the back door has those that family of nasty looking rats, so after 5 years the Clerics took over again. Though some people are still waiting for the Ogres to come back...
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