Tuesday, December 9, 2003

The Offences of Ogres: Chapter 4: The Heroes formation
Heres chapter 4. Numbers in brackets are foot notes.

On the way to Harofeld…
‘ I’m sorry but we been looking every were for this horse.’
‘ No you couldn’t have been, it’s the horse I got from Ogreopolis.’
‘ Ha! A confession!’
‘ No it’s the truth. I haven’t stole this horse.’
‘ Who said anything about it being stolen. We wanted to give it a prize. But now that you’ve told us it’s stolen we’ll have to take you down town.’
‘ This is why civilised places use clerics to enforce the law and not fighters.’
‘What you say?’
‘ Nothing that should be heard by you.’
‘Do you think I’m afraid of you just because you’re a wizzy (1)?’
‘ I’m not a wizzy! At least I don’t think I am.’
‘Okay then mister wizzy, I’m going to count to three, and if your not dead I’m going to run away in terror. Agreed?’
‘Erm… sure!’
‘1…2…erm.’
‘3.’
‘Arrrrrrgggghhhhh!’
‘That was easy.’
‘ ’Ell guess what?’ said an old voice. ‘It just got ‘arda!’
A crossbow was put to the back of Salvador’s head (if you hadn’t guessed it was Salvador go to the nearest mental institution and commit yourself. (Ask for bill)).
‘ To be honest this is a different thing so that never got harder.’
‘Ooh! Rights, nows I gets it. But still give me all ya mooney!’
‘ I don’t have any.’
‘Well, ‘m gonna fallow ya.’
‘ Why?’
‘Sos I can make sures whens yous gets some mooney ‘a cans ‘ake it.’
‘ Wouldn’t it be easier to just go and take someone else’s money? I’m in a hurry.’
‘Wheres ‘uo be owen?’
None of your business.’
‘ ‘Ell ‘ith ee abble ta ‘ill ya wery eazelly, I’d sway ya betta ‘ell mwe.’
‘ Okay, I’m going to Harofeld.’
‘ I?’
‘The Ogre research convention slash meeting.’
‘Da eatings all abou slashin’ ‘uff.’
‘ No I meant convention/meeting.’
‘Oh I see.’
‘ What happened to your accent?’
‘ Usn’t ee!’
‘ It was I! Harold Henerfourth the fifth!
‘ At’s ‘ot ‘er ‘ame! ‘It’s Coarse Aggressor.
‘ I heard of you. Aren’t you that assassin who tried to kill Quenenyan Baracondarg Buckingthem? (2) ’
‘ That wasn’t me. It was Curse Aggressive.’
‘Oh. Then I haven’t heard of you.’
‘So now that everyone knows my name we can carry on with our perilous quest.’
‘To walk down the street.’ Added Salvador.
‘Er, yes! It’s perilous none the less. I mean we could fall over and break our legs, a tree could fall on top of us er…’
‘ ‘O ‘eally it’s ‘ot at ‘erilous.’
‘ Er…yes!’
‘You say that a lot.’
So our hero’s (or whatever you want to call them) walked down the street. As they got to the end of the street they saw Harofeld blow up.
‘I told you it was perilous.’


(1)A wizzy is a wizard. This fighter isn’t very smart. That’s why he calls wizard’s wizzys. Or should that be wizzies...

(2) This happened when the grand barbarian tournament Castoverta. Curse Aggressive lost, so he tried to kill Queen Baracondarg Buckingthem.
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