Saturday, February 19, 2005

   Part 13:
About a week past and i thought i could handle the rest of the school year, not seeing shugo or lira, but turns out i cant even handle a few days. guess its just in the back of my mind i know i wont see them for a while and thats why it hurts. all this morning i felt so weird.. especially these last few nights.. friday early morning i woke up for some reason at 2am. so i figured id stay up, and got dressed, started reading a manga and watching t.v. but about an hour later i fell back asleep. i had the same nightmare two times in a row and you're probably gonna laugh but.. ok, heres the nightmare. i went downstairs and looked out the door and there was this man picking up a book in the subdivison. he turned around and i think he saw me, cuz he started going up our driveway and up the front steps. he mouthed the words "is this yours?" and holding up that book. i held up a finger to signal for him to hold on. i went and tried to wake up my dad who was on the living room couch and said "dad theres a guy at our door, wake up" and he wouldnt wake up and i looked back at the door and the guy, he looked so freaky he had this big grin and he was looking in at me and it wasnt any friendly grin it was this evil freaky grin. man, that haunted me for a while. then in the nightmare i was yelling "wake up" to myself cuz for some reason i realized it was a dream but it took a few seconds to wake myself up. i blinked a few times to get the image of my dad out of my vision and i was sweating a little. then i think i went back to sleep and the nightmare repeated itself. exept this time , i went downstairs and saw the guy out in the circle picking up the book and thought "oh brother" and woke up deciding to stay awake. weird, huh? go ahead, laugh, you know you want to. but anyways, i went out in the garage and played basketball, useing the box that the cats fresh litter was in as a hoop. cuz i didnt have a basketball goal.. i need one. well then later on i got sick and had a headache and a fever. today i sat in bed most of the morning but it drives me crazy to just sit around all day. except when i got up id feel like i was gonna calapse. cuz of the headache. right now i feel better and i also had alot of time to clear my head. i was deep in my mind all morning, trying to clear my head about my friends. i felt like something was trying to kill my heart, as weird as it sounds, last night. like something was stabbing it slowely. like a silent death. and i felt like i was gonna die there, empty feeling. i could log on right now if i wanted to. but that would make it even harder to forget about how painful this has been. and the worst thing for me to do is log on right now. if i do, ill be letting my parents down. letting my friends down. and myself. because the more i think about my friends in class, the more i wont concentrate and if i dont i wont make better grades then i wont see my friends in the summer at all and i wont get a good education of course. all those teachers counting on me. and my family helping me. i dont want any of it to be a waste. Alot of this is what ive been thinking about all morning. and i keep asking myself "if you love your friends.. you'll leave them.." for now atleast.. i wish i hadnt gotten close to anyone.. all my life ive had to deal with bullys and other kids and stuff, just because i was strange and distant i never really got along with anyone, no one understood me but my family and i didnt understand alot of things either. not back then. i kept to myself and none of the kids got along with me. up till the time i met lira and shugo. before then, id only known a girl named kago. we hung out and stuff, and we got along until one night i went to spend the night with her. all of the sudden her room felt dark and strange to me, not like all the other times id spent the night. we planned to stay up but i couldnt take this depressing feeling inside me. finally i asked if we could go to sleep, and i tried not to, but i started crying. unfortunately heather heard me crying and she asked if i was ok and if i wanted to go home. i hesitated and then nodded. we went downstairs and her mom let me call the house. no one answered, but we went anyway to see if they'd answer the door. at first she asked if i wanted to go back, since the lights were off and i suddenly didnt feel relieved anymore like i had in the car on the way. but then mom and dad came and kago and her mom left and mom and dad had exressions on their face like they'd no idea what was wrong with me. after they tried to cheer me up and i tried to reasure them i was fine, when i hit my bed, i just felt so good. but then, the following months only worsened for me. i wouldnt barely leave the house, my sister would always be mad at me and yell when i wouldnt go places with them. she said i was selfish and that only made me more sad and depressed. i never went to kago's house again. never. it wasnt until i met lira and shugo and tsuke on the computer that my depression slowely began to fade away. i got up the courage to do things and go places even though we'd just go to walmart and id feel a little depressed. thats how bad it was for me. but months went by and i got up the courage to spend the night at rizuka's house. i thought the depression was gone.. but again, i was wrong. by nightfall i wanted to go to bed and i waited a while till i heard rizuka snoring. then i started crying. alot. in the morning, it was eased but the feeling wasnt completely gone. i was glad when my dad got there to pick me up. i dont spend the night with people that often because of this, but since then ive only spent the night 2 times with someone. but there were more than me and that other person. once at rizuka's party but two other people were there too and once with savanna but with two other people. maybe the pain just helps when theres more people. but thanks to lira, tsuke and shugo i can go places normal people would and have fun. even though that depression isnt completely gone. i still feel guilty for having kago's mom drive me home. even though that was two years ago. but hey, were not all perfect, now are we? ive thought about that night a long time and i still cant figure out why that depression just came to me. (going back to the present. we were in the past.) afternoon right now. I guess i feel a little better. but then again, im sitting right now, so how do i know? --ow my back. (she stood up.) oww.. ugh my stomach. (has only had crackers and some icecream for the whole day) uh-oh.. i think my fevers coming back.. my forehead feels warm.. geez.. perfect. its a weekend!!! how can you torture me like this??? >-< this is exactly whats gonna happend I KNOW. ill be sick all weekend and even the day were out of school and THEN ill be all better the day were back in school! man.. this stinks. help me( shes pouting ) am not! *wines* ( and this ends the story for today. cya in part 14 while she tries to get over being sick on a three-day weekend ) not fair not fair not fair *pouting again*
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Sunday, February 13, 2005

Part 12: Leaving the past behind
that week had gone the usual except for friday night. (im going to be giving this less feeling because i just now typed this thing and the com went back on its own and when i went farward, it erased all of the document which was about as long as my first story allready) it all started when she mentioned her grades, how she'd made a 73 as her progress grade and failed the last test that caused that grade. her dad began fussing at her about that grade and talking about punishing her, and soto went qiuet for the rest of the trip but in the resturaunt he told her to quit sulking and have a better attitude but she couldnt help it, she was depressed about how he had just said he was taking the laptop out of her room and taking karate away from her for next week.
(ok im gonna tell this from soto's view, like saying "i" instead of "soto") i still sat there, feeling sorry for myself and feeling stupid and finally it got to my dad, he drug me over to the front of the resturaunt and spoke in a tone that said he wasnt happy. he told me to quit sulking and gave me two minutes to stop it and then come back over to the table in a better mood. by then, id started crying and i couldnt stop. from the stories before, you should know that once i start crying about situations im really sad about, i dont stop crying for hours or more. he left me there, on the couch in front of the front counter of the resturaunt and i didnt even care about the people passing by me i just hung my head low so that my bangs covered my eyes completely and the tears streamed down my face one after another and didnt stop for several minutes. if i had been myself, i would have wanted to hide from the people passing by, but i wasnt myself anymore. i cried and didnt care who saw me. once i convinced myself to stop, i headed back to the table and tried to pretend i was happy. after we'd gone home, i hadnt eaten.. i never eat when im in a bad mood. dad braught me upstairs and talked to me, and it seemed like the more i talked about it the more i cried. tears streamed down my face one after another like they only did when i really was changing inside my head. but what my parents didnt know, was that i was seriously thinking about leaving lira, shugo, and rizuka to talk to online for the rest of the school year. "why would they miss you?" was the first bad thought that came to my mind, but i shoved the thought aside, knowing that lira would care, if not shugo and rizuka.. but i just kept reminding myself.. dont look back. dont turn around, just keep going and you'll see them later.. later this year.. and everything would be ok then.. ok.. "ok..?" i thought to myself. everything wont be ok.. i wont sleep right, knowing that i wont see them for months.. "oh well" a thought popped into my mind. "it'll make you stronger.. you need to be stronger right now.. dont you?" "yes i do. thats true" i said to myself. but those thoughts left my mind when i had a talk with my mother later on. i went downstairs and dried my eyes, which my mom noticed. " you ok?" she asked. "yeah.. fine.. just trying to stop crying" i said in a muffled sort of voice from behind my hand and she braught me upstairs, looking around for an empty room, and the only one, i guess, was mine. we talked a while, about my dad, about how back in the military he had taken a very very hard test that militaries from all over the world had taken.. and my dad.. my dad, had made the second best scores out of all the militaries in the world. "wow" was the first thing i thought. my dad. second best scores in the world. when we got on the subject of my sister, i thought my mom was about to cry. so i sat down next to her, to comfort her and she put an arm around me hugging me tightly. she talked about how she never saw complicated jobs in my sisters life, but simple things.. and how she saw me, doing big things, me being smart, and how i had my love for animals, and i was smart.. how she didnt want me to throw all of that away. and it was true, after all, i cried over a moth that died one time. i just had picked it up from the road, it'd been run over. and it died there in my hands. i burried it, and cried over it a while. and then there was the time i found a squirral that a cat had got hold of. the cat had bit it pretty hard and i held that baby squirral all night, looking down at it with such a worried look you'd think i was looking at a pet id had for years that was dieing. i had held it for hours and hours, at my papa's and mama's house my papa had showed concern for me, caring for this wild baby squirral that id never seen before. he told me i could feed him some milk and i did. warmed it up and fed it to him that night, trying to get him to eat. left him in a shoe box with towels but i insisted that he stay beside my bed. the next morning.. you'd never seen such a happy girl. the look on my face when i took him out of that shoebox.. why you'd have thought someone i loved had been resurrected from the dead, but it was someone i loved. the baby squirral curled up in my hand and yawned. he yawned. how cute i thought he was. but.. id yet to see the horrible part.. he died one hour later. because his heart stopped. and mine seemed to shatter along with his. i was broken and empty for a week or so. id never forget about that day. i cried so hard over that baby squirral. it just broke my heart to see it die in my own hands, like id seen other animals die. it broke me everytime i saw death in front of my own eyes. my mom and i talked about what to do with my sister for a while, then we went along downstairs with my dad and sister and her friend. i didnt ever look at my dad the same way again, nor did i with my mom. in a way, i guess you could say it was a change of heart. a night that will linger in my thoughts for years. my mom and i had talked about how she saw some of the same things in me as she had my father. how, when i was 4 and 5 id ask questions that kids my age normally didnt care about. id take things apart, and want to see and know how things worked. how, when i learned to read i wouldnt shutup on road trips, id read the signs the whole way to our destination. and even though i was crying, i laughed about it. my mom and i had shared a strange and emotional moment, and it made me feel a whole lot better.
It was after 1am now. and i was still up. waiting to watch .hack i guess, or just staying up for no reason. i tried to avoid logging on, or it would be harder to keep my mind off of my friends this coming week. because i made my mind up, im leaving them until the end of the school year, or my grades wont improve. if i keep concentrating on them all of the time. especially shugo, its bad to be daydreaming about him all the time. its stupid. especially when this is the last cemester of the year. I dont think shugo is going to sign on anyway. and even if he did, why would i have anything to say to him? so theres no sense in signing on. she gave up, turned simple plan on, and got into bed, trying to go to sleep.Saterday was a great day for me, as you all know, i went to belt testing in the morning to watch my friends get their belts. One of my friends, matt, was getting his orange belt. another one of my friends was getting her green belt, and a few others, madey, mitchell, and a boy that , if you were from my class, was well known for his balance and natural skills. but later on through this perticular belt testing, i came to know these two other red-black striped belts. but instead of testing for the brown belt, they were testing for black. both showed alot of spirit in their spinning high kicks, but the other showed more and she was hugging everyone when she got her black belt. jenny had to do something that was past star sets, but before dragon-form. and everyone that was testing for yellow belt got to grapple but starting out in mount position in which the one under this had to get free. but they were only doing star set 3 which i was working on alot to per-fect it at home. practicing it in the back yard. after the testing once all my friends got their belts, i congragulated the ones id been rooting for from the beggining and me and my mom headed outside. And later, i got a samurai video game and we went to a rusturaunt somewhere between georgia and s.c. my grandma, grandpa, dad, mom, sister and me met up with my uncle, aunt, and two cousins from down in georgia for my grandma's birthday. if was a very emotional birthday this time, but at the resuraunt a guy did a karaoke right in front of our table and my dad requested a certain song and to have everyone sing her happy birthday. she was so happy, you could tell it in her eyes. we all talked and talked having the best time together , then my grandma wouldnt let me talk in peace till i stood up and let her put 10 dollars in my pocket, and since she wouldnt take it back i went out and baught some flowers for her, keeping them for the next day as a valantines present. the drive back to the house was very boring except for my sister who cheered me up by pretending the stuffed animal bear she had was real and making funny comments and we punched eachother back and forth at one time and i regret that now i guess for the bruises but it was fun ^^* of course i fell asleep through half the ride, dreaming of shugo again. i wanted to be mad at him or give up on him but something wouldnt let me let go of him. i wanted to just forget about him but my heart wouldnt let me forget. i wanted to leave him but it wouldnt let me leave him either. so i couldnt do anything, im just stuck like this, in my head, standing in front of the one i love unable to leave and cry then move on like others do. but to sit there in front of my heart, not looking away, crying. none of it seemed to matter anymore, who saw me cry, who cared and who didnt, all that mattered was i had to change and right now lira's laughing and were talking, same with rizuka. but im not talking to shugo. hes the only one ive wanted to talk to all week but hes the only one im not talking to right now. They say time heals all wounds. but i dont think that is correct. the way i feel now, i dont think ill ever forget and i dont think these wounds will ever go away. the ones that appeared in my heart the night i cried it out. now, even though shugo's on, i feel like my hearts gone empty.. or i cant feel it.. right about now id feel like kissing him maybe but i dont. all i feel like doing is.. is forgetting, and leaving all this pain. I told lira if i wasnt on tomorow , then she wouldnt talk to me till the end of the school year. and i was serious about it.
But unfortunately for me, i didnt leave early enough. Rizuka's allready about to ask shugo out. and im cheering for her, whether my heart hurts or not to know i still love shugo. Its best if i leave for months, that will give me time to get my mind off shugo and maybe by the time im back, shugo will have forgotten about how i loved him and maybe ill have forgotten too. Even though i know thats a stupid thought because it will never work. But somehow i just kept praying it would. ive gotta move on, even if my heart lys in the past. i wont let my heart keep me down forever. but ill probably be stubborn about loving another person again. yet, here i was, cheering my best friend on to ask the guy i loved, out. and i didnt care how much it would hurt when she spoke those words to him, i would only cheer and smile for them, because they're happy and that makes me happy too doesnt it? theres some times when i keep trying to smile so everyone else will be happy but i cant force a smile when i want to cry. im not like lira or other people.. i cant smile when im sad like that. people can tell the different from a real smile of mine because they see the look in my eyes when im actually happy. But anyway that didnt matter because now i had signed off for probably the last time in a while. I dont care how much i miss them or want to be with them. Ill stay away. for as long as it takes to straighten my head out. And that.. thats.. thats final..
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Tuesday, February 8, 2005

   Part 11: Forgetting
The day had gone smoothly except for gym where soto hadnt dressed out and had to go off from the rest of the kids. Stuck playing basketball with a tennisball. When she noticed the other kids starting to leave, she tossed the tennis ball over her shoulder and took off towards the gates, but was stopped by one of the gym teachers. "Isnt it time to go?" she asked, stopping in front of the teacher. "Not for you." she said and soto felt stupid for asking, "Now go get that tennis ball" she said in a cruel type of way. Soto ran over to the tennis ball, grapped it, and ran back to her, handing it over to her. "geez, strict.." she mumbled, as she walked away from the teacher. about 5 or 10 minutes later they finally went in with the rest of the kids. Soto quickly had to change out of her gym shirt and grab her bookbag in the locker room. "Hiii Erin!" her friend had said in a perky really happy voice as she passed. For a second soto thought she had something to tell her, like about how she had stopped talking to her brother but she went on by. Later at lunch soto just ate, then stared out the window spacing out the rest of the time. Last night she had been up to 2 am watching Angel sanctuary and was suprised not to be falling asleep. Well, except for English class but she'd allready finished the book they were reading. "Mind your own buisness" she had said grouchily when some stupid guy turned around saying "oooh your not reading along" as if he were some 4-year old. Had no sense, the baka. The other night she had the weirdest dream.. She was down by the creek and some guy appeared. for no reason, soto pushed him into the water and laughed. Then he pulled her in with him and laughed. "oh, who are you?" she asked as though she just remembered she didnt know him. "im.. shugo." "what..?" suddenly he wasnt the guy anymore. He was a dark figured man and he pushed her away. "your not.. go away!" she yelled at him. He appeared to have sharp fangs and he bit her leg, blood trickled down into the water and she dragged herself out of the creek, and looked back. and he was gone. now no one was there. and thats when she woke up though. Now she was in math class, bringing herself back to reality. Not paying attention at all to the lesson. (but neither am i of course.. im writing this story) "maybe shugo will be on tonight.. i dont know what good that would do but.. oh well.." she thought to herself. "uh-oh" the teacher had assigned something she had no idea how to do. Later.. an F. On her last test. Guess her problems about shugo and rizuka were really bothering her.. she hadnt stooped back down to F's in this class for a while. It was disapointing. She needed to temporarily forget about shugo. Every one of her friends, she had to temporarily forget. atleast all of the ones that reminded her about shugo. "ow!" she'd been jabbing herself with her lead pencil in the waist to wake herself up.
The next morning, her mom woke her up and said "why arent you wearing your head gear?" soto forgot all about the surgery in a few years. "i.. forgot about it over school and college and everything.. sorry.." she admitted. "your gonna end up having that surgery, soto." her mom warned, then left. soto felt bad for cuasing her parents to waste money on her like that. But.. she just couldnt wear that stupid thing. how come no one else had to wear headgear that she knew? she knew that surgery would hurt but even though, she still couldnt force herself to wear that and especially not with her family going places alot, that she'd be too ashamed to wear that device to. But anyway, she went slowely downstairs to the kitchen. "mom.. can i stay out of school today?" and thats where it all started. her mom was disapointed that she was staying out for a little stomach ache but it was more than she could talk about. she just needed one day to get her mind straight. and her mom made her give up tomorows and thursdays karate class. she hoped she could go to saterdays though. Later after she had convinced her mom to let her stay home, with her mom greatly disapointed at soto, she fell asleep on her bed quickly and didnt wake till 11am. then fell back asleep for an hour, and then decided she didnt want to sleep anymore or she'd be bored. She was almost forgetting about.. you-know-who. it was so stupid calling him that but she wanted to forget about him or she wouldnt pass the social studies test, and wouldnt be able to pay attention in school. but she made up her mind, that she'd train just like in her karate classes tomorow and thursday, it'd be just like karate class. almost. all it was missing were the mats and people. Oh well though she'd get over him , tonight she'd settle down with a good horror movie or something and she'd get over him. or atleast.. for now. for now, she needed to. her family, her karate instructors and friends, her teachers, her studies, it was all counting on her.
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