Saturday, February 5, 2005

   Part 10: dealing with it.
Soto went outside later to find a relaxing place, she went down by the creek and scooted across the pole tat led across the deep part of the creek. She layed down listening to the soft trickle of water over rocks flowing down past her. It eased the pain a little. She looked down and saw a baseball that had gotten caught up in the group of twigs gathered under the pole, it was signed by a baseball player. she didnt care much for baseball but she picked it up. Looking down at the creek again and sighing she reached for the water and braught her finger around in it, making a soothing design of small waves. She sat up and braved the thorns all along the path, going back up the leaf-covered hill to her house. She stepped inside and tossed the baseball down to her puppy after examining it and washing it off. " You can have it. " she told him, and headed back upstairs to the computer room. She logged on her screen name that no one knew about, shugo wasnt logged on but lira was there. waiting for her again. She logged back off and played her video game a while, just wasteing time away. Thinking about all of the stuff she needed to get done this weekend. she had her science projest due wedsnday and a social studies test tuesday. as well as a math test. she also had to get her friend that present, it was a week past her birthday. she'd been so busey with school she forgot all about it. "sun of a gun" came playing on her game as the replay had been going for 15 minutes. she changed it back to something else, all star maybe. "heh, yeah the shrek one" she said to herself. She was home alone again, because her mom was at work and her sister and dad were at a tennis tournament. her dojo was having a kickboxing match in one hour.. she would miss it but she didnt care. she'd go next week saterday for some fun. atleast it would get her away from this depressing house. it was so boring with nothing to do but sit there and wonder what to do and avoid thinking or talking about shugo. she kept going outside but it wasnt alot of help, when there wasnt much to do out there either. and she didnt feel like eating anything her stomach felt uneasy right now. she had a late breakfest at 2 and it was 4 or 5 now but she wasnt hungry probably because of the late breakfest. She could go and read her comics. that'd work. but she'd allready read all.. 20 or 30 of them. and the only reason she had so many comics was because she never got any cd's. the only cd she had was a few downloaded anime ones, and simple plan. the rest of it she just listened to on the radio. she enjoyed reading more than she did listening to cd's anyway. sometimes. she was known to read books really fast. her english teacher let her borrow the book they were reading in class, old yeller, when she got annoyed of how slow they were reading it and she finished it that night. once soto got pulled into a book, there was no stopping her. once in the summer she had been reading a book about a horse and didnt like it at first but she got pulled into it so fast she stayed up till 3am and finished it. she was unbelievable when it came to stories, she'd do the weirdest things to finish them. it was the same with comics. now.. thick novels were different. she'd read half and loose time to keep on, then she'd skip a month or so and then take it back up. or gradually finish it over the weekends. "good" she thought. she was beggining to get her mind off shugo. She logged on her other screen name again. Lira was now not at the computer, and rizuka was still gone too. Soto decided she would go find something to do, sitting around here all day wasnt gonna cut it.
Later on, she found Lira had left her a message on s.c., the computer. and wrote her an email. She suddenly missed lira but then.. she didnt want to be hurt again.. and tried not to sign on.. she knew allready, another girl that shugo had been talking about that liked him. kotoshi. but he'd allready chosen rizuka.. and.. soto had cried so hard last night it still hurt. she read out lira's email: "sorry i wont be online tonight (friday) ill be at my friends house." but it was saterday so she'd be online tonight.. "but ill be up late tonight and tomorow.. kay bai bai ja-ne." :: argh.. soto sighed. she for some reason didnt like it when lira said ja-ne. or bai. well.. bai was ok. it just got annoying. she laughed. Also, rizuka had been using some of the words soto used. like "tho'" and "bai" and "srry". i guess everyone had. shugo hadnt. but everyone else did. she got "ja-ne" from her other friend, tsuke, but bai, she'd learned in a japanese book and the others.. she'd just started using because she liked them. it sort of annoyed her when her friends would use her words, because her words were what made her. cuz she liked these words, she thought no one else would get in the habbit of using them. oh well.. she thought. it didnt matter too much. that was the least of her problems. She waited a while, i guess, not knowing what she was waiting for. she kept logging on to see if shugo was on but then she thought.. well, if he did log on, i wouldnt want to sign on then. "Because i dont want to hear anymore about all that flirting and fighting and him loving rizuka." she told herself. She tried to let her mind wander off to something else.. earlier she made potato soup for her grandma who had come over for an afternoon visit. and together, they watched columbo. a clever detective. watched about.. two episodes before and during that time soto's sister and dad came home. by the time the movie was over her dad was asleep and her grandma left, feeling tired. she went back upstairs to the computer after she left. Lira was on. a happy smile appeared on her face as her eyes met lira's screen name. she wanted to talk to lira about last night, about what she'd missed, but she couldnt. and then.. this braught her back to a frown. she still didnt want to get online. i mean, it was stupid to go whining about what happened. and besides.. she sighed and hesitated, deciding to log on her real screen name. She saw other friends of hers on, cloud911 and phil and her sister and kotoshi and tsuke were all on. she wanted to say "hey!!! i missed you!!" something like that, but all she said was "hi." and then when lira apologized for not being there last night all she said was "its allright." lira then asked what soto wanted to avoid.. "so anything happen while i was gone? lol" soto stared for a little bit at her words. "nothin' much.." she replied. she wished they could skip the welcome back conversation and roleplay or something. but lira was typing, what seemed like a long message. soto waited on her. worrying that she had found out about the other night somehow. but no, it was her computer it knocked her off again. " get knocked off?" "yeah." after spending an hour crying and having a nightmare, finding out the first person she had loved was going to ask her friend out.. you'd think she would say more to one of her best friends that hadnt been on the night before. lira began typing again and for a moment, soto thought her computer had froze on her again. it had. this stupid laptop was getting annoying. "sorry.." soto said. " its allright not your fault.. whats the matter? you seem kinda down." "its nothin'.. dont worry." "you better tell me.. lol" "c'mon why do you seem so sad? sry hehe" what soto wanted to say was: im not laughing.. : because she wanted her to quit laughing. it wasnt funny. "ill worry more if you dont tell me ^^ hehe" suddenly soto wanted to log off. just say "its nothing" and sign off. so she did. " are you sure?" lira had time to get out a second before soto logged off. she was too upset to talk about it now. She went back outside.
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   Part 9 : Daydreaming of You.
The next morning she had had the same dream for the second time, she could barely remember what it was. someone.. she forgot who.. was helping her with something and braught her to this dim-lit building with several doors and scratched up walls in it. He told her to go to the white door for help and on her way up to the white door she would see a faded red one that was in bad shape and then she woke up. Somehow she thought it had something to do with getting help to get over shugo.. she had remembered the dream better right when she awoke. But sleeping till 2pm.. she sort of forgot. Now getting agrivated because the computer wouldnt let her log in or get on the internet. Maybe there was a reason she wasnt sapose to be on.. maybe god was keeping her from be logged on when shugo or rizuka, one or the other, told the other that they loved him/her. If that was the case, she didnt mind. " of all the nightmares.." she thought. "this must be the worst.. i think i actually loved shugo.. otherwise.. why would it hurt so much to give him up.." she thought and layed back on the pillow. "somebody wake me up. from this nightmare." she had said outloud staring towards the ceiling. no one came. no one was there to help her get out of this. rizuka and kotoshi were fighting over him and crying their hearts out when they didnt even know soto had loved him too.. Lira, she knew.. but no one knew that shugo had been the first soto had really and truely loved. she didnt cry when she broke up with arishi. she didnt cry when she found out the boyfriend after arishi was cheating on her and she dumped him.She'd never cried over a guy before. only been mad about the break-up. but she wasnt mad about shugo.. she'd known arishi for a year when she broke-up with him. and then her other boyfriend she hadnt even known a week before his sister told soto he had 2 other girlfriends. and he had begged soto to go out with him. called her "baby" and stuff before she found out he wasnt telling her everything. She was so mad at him she blocked him, never picked up the phone when he called, never talked to his sister when she tried to get on the conversation of him. she just completely quit talking to him. But it was different with shugo. everything was. for one.. she didnt like this guy because she just wanted a boyfriend, someone to comfort her.. no.. it was more than that.. she really loved this guy. and she couldnt help thinking how rizuka could after knowing him only 2 months. or kotoshi. She had introduced kotoshi and rizuka to shugo and here they were fighting over him and flirting. she never liked all the fighting.. she could barely watch the flirting.. she just stayed out of the way, stayed qiuet and rarely spoke unless they started fighting. soto, before, had watched some shows with her sister about maybe 5 or 7 girls and one guy in a sort of contest to see who got the guy. they'd fight and fight and make rude comments to get another to back down and it got real bad.. thats exactly how this was going too. and she refused to take part in a contest. she wouldnt flirt with any guy that made her friends mad, no matter who the guy was. she'd just sit there and try not to watch when it came to kissing because it sent a rock at her chest, or seemed to. just seeing that. And as much as she felt rock-hard pain against her chest then.. the hurt was so much worse when she finally accepted that shugo would ask rizuka out.. but it was selfish to hope that he'd choose her over someone else.. and she had wanted rizuka to be happy, didnt she? she had said that but i guess never really accepted it when it came to loving shugo. And now she was thinking about him this much and lying around like a love-sick puppy." how pathetic.." she thought.
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   Part 8: Unknown Story
Later that night.. soto had the worst nightmare of her life. But it was real. It all started out with a simple chatroom conversation. With rizuka, her other friend kotoshi, shugo, and herself. They started up a fight about how both kotoshi and rizuka wanted shugo. soto chose to stay out of it, she tried to stop a few of the fights that got out of hand. so did shugo, but they werent of much help. or rather, they seemed to pay more attention when shugo said to stop than when soto said anything. Now by the end of it, soto was pissed at kotoshi because she was saying it was shugo's fault. And then when the truth she knew was coming, slipped out of kotoshi's mouth.. soto couldnt help but let out to look for a place to hide. After talking with rizuka for a little.. kotoshi said that shugo was just nervous but he had wanted to ask rizuka out. soto was so happy that he loved rizuka, she had wanted rizuka to be happy. but then.. an empty feeling struck her. and she couldnt help but feel like she would cry. She went ahead and logged off, put her shoes on qiuetly and left outside. It was freezing but at first she didnt mind it. She sat there talking to herself for a while gazing up at the stars and clear dark blue sky. and then the tears came rolling in. The empty feeling had her surrounded by all sides of her heart and she couldnt escape it. She cried hard for nearly an hour. Out on that cold driveway, shaking and whipering looking like the most pathetic person. By the end she swayed from side to side gently and singing a slow song in a trembly soft voice. "ill take my chances.. p-peace and time.. while wr-writing the book.. for all t-to see.. on my own i can ride the winds of change to heel a broken heart... a broke-.. broken world.." her voice had began to stop trembling so much as she tried to calm herself down. The pain she felt hurt so much. where the pain had suddenly shot from.. she didnt know. she knew this was coming, that he would love rizuka. but her heart just didnt seem to accept it. but now that she knew.. it was all over for these strong moments.. it was all over.. she'd sit out there crying looking so pathetic.. she didnt think she ever wanted to talk to him again he had rizuka, what was the point? she'd only cry more if she talked to him. Finally the shakeing and coldness of the air got to her and she weakly stood up and walked back inside. Her legs were still trembly but she had finally stopped crying. A few sniffles there, but only because she'd caught that by being outside too long. Her arms shook as she played her video game and she kept messing up her shaking hand would move the stick too far or the wrong way. She was frustrated, and blindly not thinking about her actions. She tried to calm down again. Logged on, and rizuka had allready gone to bed. shugo was still logged off. and Lira had been gone for several hours, obviously fallen asleep. Soto had been getting really frustrated lately of how every night Lira would fall asleep on her because she'd not gotten enough sleep the night before. Lira was way too stubborn. Soto felt her cold hands, and cold pants from lying on the cement outside. As much as she tried to calm down she couldnt and she figured that was because of shugo.. not the cold.. She had simply taken in the thought that he'd choose rizuka, she hadnt accepted the thought in her heart. Earlier her sister told her that she should let him go. and she wished she had listened now. shugo had allready made his decision, whether or not he was telling soto. And as much as she said to shugo or Lira about how she didnt want shugo to like her.. aparently, her heart had thought different. But sometimes she wished there was no heart, then this pain wouldnt be filling up it as fast as rushing water down falls. "lifes not over.. its okay.. im okay" she kept thinking to herself but it didnt seem to calm down her emotions. they were so jumpy and making her shake and want to cry more but she couldnt force any more tears from her eyes. she had allready soaked her arm in the process of crying earlier.. which had'nt helped her feel any warmer out there.. Hopeing it would blow over by morning, she turned back to her video game. She couldnt sleep, or she'd have nightmares.
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   Part 7: Unknown story
As the week past by, she studied and studied for her tests, she payed attention in science class the most, where they were talking about the human body she found more intrest in. Soto wanted to know almost all of the diseases there were on humans, and all the treatments. Just in case anything went wrong with her friends. Earlier her friend Sarah had come over, they went down to the creek avoiding thorny bushes all the way through not doing too good to avoid the spikey-leafed trees. Soto fell into one and scratched up her arm. They had headed back up and the sun was setting, she walked Sarah home with her sister and sisters friend as company that her mom insisted she braught. Even though she didnt like the idea, she tried not to argue that much. Back at gym class in school she had gotten pissed of this girl that had been picking on her friend, Angie for her weight. The day before that she had stepped in front of angie and said "maybe she wants to be left alone." after the baka had called her friend a lesbian. "And they call themselves christians.." she had mumbled to angie. That somehow had made her other friend that the girl had made fun of feel better as well as angie because the thought that someone else cared too seemed to comfort her. She smiled at soto, and soto continued with her fussing about the girl. "shes so annoying, if shes a christian she should know that its wrong to judge someone." soto said and couldnt help but notice how angies friend was watching her closely as she said these words. she smiled to her in a friendly way. And she thought she should ask her name but she didnt. Afterward she had gone to science class and their teacher introduced a science magazine that, for a heading, was about how hormones react to a person they love deeply and what caused blushing and warm feelings. "great.." she said sarcasticly and felt herself blushing as her mind wandered to shugo. Shugo.. wonder what your up to.. she thought to herself and reminded herself about wednsday. When she had told Lira to tell Shugo that she no longer cared if shugo wanted her or not, in fact she had said for shugo to take rizuka instead because soto knew her for several years and knew she was a good person and she deserved shugo more than soto did. But shugo had only said that there were more girls that liked him than rizuka and soto. "Oh.. and hes not good with the girls he says..?" she thought, but she didnt really care right now. All she could think about was how warm she felt inside when he was near and how she was giving all that up-.. but when she said "all" she thought about it again.."well its not ALL of my life.. i mean its not the end of the world if he doesnt become my boyfriend. theres other guys. theres other things to life. life will go on" she smiled at her own thoughts of how things would be ok. But she couldnt help wondering if she wouldnt act the way she did before she admitted liking him, if he chose rizuka and they flirted in the chatrooms that soto would be in too. but of course she didnt need to be there to see what they were doing, rizuka always talked to soto about how they would make-out and make love together. Not in the way that you all are probably thinking, not that far, just kissing and stuff. Sitting there playing her jet-skii game she sort of felt dumb. that or some sort of empty feeling. would have been logged on right now if it werent for the problem with her computers. all 3 of them wouldnt let her log on. She wondered if shugo and rizuka were on, and if Lira had been kept waiting for her all day, but she tried to keep her mind away from all three of them. What if shugo had something important to talk to soto about? soto wasnt logged on. "oh well" she thought. she couldnt care less right now. There she sat on the pull-out couch in the computer room with her video game replay going through the laps over and over, the laptop propped in her lap as she wrote in her journal. The 6-winged angels clearly noticable behind the word-pad document used as wallpaper for her laptop. She looked around the room and sighed trying to find something to do. There was nothing to do, all she usually did on the weekends were talk to her friends, especially at night. And she was at the house alone, her sister and dad had gone out for tennis practice since her sister had a tournament tomorow afternoon and her mom was at work. So.. there was nothing to do but sit there. She could have read if she had wanted but she didnt feel like reading while her mind wandered this much it was so hard to pay attention to the book. And there was no use calling anyone.. that would only make her anxious to do something but it was too dark to go out when no one was home. Even though she usually didnt obey this rule, tonight it felt different and she didnt wanna take the risk of something happening. She took the laptop with her as she walked into the hallway into her moms room. Wandering the house as she usually did when she had nothing on her mind and nothing to do. One time it was past midnight and she felt so empty she spent an hour or so wandering through the house like she was looking for something that she could never find. She kept doing this on and off about every few months. It got agrivating. She found a comfy spot on her moms bed and continued typing on word-pad. The phone rang and it was her dad they were going to pick her up in about 5 minutes and go somewhere to eat, but soto wasnt hungry because shed just eaten some potato and steamed carrots. She'd go anyway, it made her dad both happy and suprised to hear her say she'd go but truth was she was so bored she didnt care where they went. But what confused her was that she really wanted to get online but then again.. she didnt want anything to do with logging on. She kept thinking about when she logged on and how it would be like last weekend, not talking to shugo, hearing love scenes from rizuka and talking to lira about how her feelings were all mixed up and she didnt want to get on then. She heard the faint sound of a car door slam shut and got up to go downstairs and meet her sister and dad. Bringing the laptop with her even if her dad didnt approve.
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Monday, January 31, 2005

   Part 6: Unknown Story
It was about 10:30 when soto should have been trying to get to sleep.. but as usual, she would rather have browsed the internet. Her mind was busey overflowing with memories and thoughts. She kept crying she didnt know why but she thought it might be at the thought that shugo didnt like her anymore. She'd blame herself because of that. She didnt know what was wrong with her but she kept crying over it and the thought of yio too was nearly killing her. including that big s.s. test she had tomorow. But.. she was lying under her new electric blanket and it felt so warm her worries almost left her. Except she had it on high so she had taken her shirt and pants off and even then it felt a little too warm. But she couldnt take her bra off because then she'd fall asleep like that and when her dad woke her up he might pull the covers off her. But she set her alarm clock hopeing it would wake her up in time before her dad got to her. And besides taking her bra off would probably do nothing. It was probably just the com, it had been running for a few hours straight. and she had it on her lap. "man im not going to wake up in the morning this things so warm.." she laughed and just the word warm made her mind race back to shugo. again. "ugh.." she hit the pillow again. "dammit. now this is pathetic." she thought and moved the computer to her feet, sitting up. now her back was cold. she felt as warm as she did when shugo was on. and she suddenly realized.. it wasnt her brain that said she liked him, it was her body or heart reacting to him being there. so.. if not for these weird hidden feelings about shugo, she wouldnt even know she liked him. because her brain sure wasnt saying it. It was so frustrating sometimes.. and she couldnt explain to shugo because all he wouldp probably say was "yeah." or ok or something like that. you'd think a girl that talked this much about a guy was crazy about him but no.. she just couldnt decide on her emotions. she wished she could forget about him for 5 minutes. oh well, she had to go to bed now anyway. she told lira bye, cuz as usual she had been talking to her about shugo. She stuck the computer under the bed and settled down, sighing. "yio.. please come home.. soon.." she closed her eyes beggining to fall asleep. "wherever you are.."
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Sunday, January 30, 2005

   Next Part 5: Unknown Story
It was Sunday. Soto had talked to Shugo, finally the other night. It had made her whole face burn everytime she talked to shugo. Even if it was about something sad, or that would usually make her mad. When she thought about him she didnt feel warm much, only when he was there.. She had said she thought it was a fever and shugo had said " A fever of love..." and soto started whineing that it was a fever. But for right now.. she didnt want to think about shugo, she was in a daze about a surgery she would most likely have to go through in a few years.. It would be very painful, as she had heard.. and there was a small chance she could avoid it. It was so bad that she would be in the hospital over night, possibly two days.. She'd been having nightmares about it.. The only time she was ever in the hospital over night, she was too small to remember. That was when she was born. Her amuned system was very good and training so much like she did.. lately all she ever got were stomach aches sometimes and the sniffles. Nothing was ever serious. She probably wouldnt sleep unless they gave her a shot like the last time she had 5 teeth pulled.. (note: im adding in alot of the past experience from my character because i know what it feels like for all of this to be happening.) She wouldnt admit she was scared though.. she was nervous, not scared. Even though it was 2 years away.. She knew it was coming. And her parents would have to pay for it.. She'd pay them back though. somehow. Soto never told her friends about the surgery, she didnt want anyone worried about her, she didnt want anyone thinking about it till the night of the surgery she wished she could bring the laptop with her to the room so she could talk to them if she got scared at night. But.. that would be unusual and besides.. she'd probably be in so much pain she didnt feel like typing. or she might have a shot thing stuck in her arm.. it gave her the chills thinking of wakeing up in the middle of the night feeling such pain, an empty room lying in a bed someone thats dead could have once lived and been lying in. It was enough to make anyone have nightmares. Her mom had talked to her about how they might mess up on the surgery and strike a vein and that part of the face would be numb.. She couldnt stand it. She really hoped she would not have to endure the surgery.. Looking outside, the snow had melted alot since morning. Trying to get her mind off of it would help. But she didnt feel like daydreaming about shugo right now, either so she just decided to go play video games instead. jet-skiing. "yeah! that will help!" she said in a way that sounded like a guy that was about to play a video game he really really wanted to win. She took off into the computer room where her ps2 was.
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Saturday, January 29, 2005

   Part 5: Unknown story
She'd been outside all day just about, till her hair freezed, it melted when she went inside. While she had been at her sisters friends house they had talked about shugo. "where does he live?" her friend had asked. "a full state away." "oh. it wont work out." but soto didnt listen to them. Her sister had said the same thing, said that she shouldnt bother with him, when she tried to have a sister talk with her. But she avoided what they said because she knew it wasnt true. It didnt make a difference of how far he was away or if he was cute or had luck or not with girls. She knew this. And knowing that he didnt have that much courage with girls.. made her a little more confident to talk to him. So she wasnt alone. She laughed a little over thinking that. It was so tormenting to wait for shugo all day.. maybe it had been snowing down there too maybe that was why.. but it was too dark for him to be out, unless he was aloud out. She wondered how different it would be if shugo lived next door or down the street.. she wondered what it would be like to actually hear his voice knowing he was next to her.. how comforting it would feel.. and the urge to talk to him was rapidly growing again. Only this time.. she wished he were right there instead of miles away.. "its official.." she said to herself. "i must be crazy about him.. thinking about him all the time almost.. " she sighed and looked at the list again hoping to see his name pop up. shugo.. "darn it didnt work." usually when she wanted him to be online badly.. if she typed his name or talked about him he would just log on. But it didnt this time.. unfortunatly.. On one of the times she wanted him most. Soto could hardly stand it. Glancing at the clock every 10 minutes and looking at her log on list every 10 minutes. She must have been crazy about shugo if she did this the whole night.. Sighing in frustration. "Where is he..?" she whined. She wanted to go outside.. atleast it would kill time, one thing she needed right now.
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Half of Part 5: Unkown Story
She layed on her bed again after being outside in the snow sleding down the driveway a bunch of times, she'd gotten up the courage to sit on the snowboard and slid down but not being guarded on the sides from on-coming mushy snow, she soaked the back of her pants. "my butts cold!!" she shouted, jumping up from the snowboard and whined, turning around to look at her pants and went back up the driveway looking embarassed and ran inside sticking her pants in the dryer. "its cold! >-<" she whined going back upstairs and laying in her bed. She laughed thinking about it. But she didnt keep laughing for a while, and she knew she wouldnt unless she got to talk to shugo. he'd been on for 10 minutes earlier but she couldnt get up the courage to say anything.. She was on a different sign on too. And now she was laying on her bed without pants on looking pretty stupid. She smiled a little. "i cant believe i soaked the back of my pants." she laughed. Felt like going down to the creek again. She waited a while for her pants to dry and go back outside to wander around and get her mind set on waiting for shugo and not driving herself crazy over the wait. Tried to get her mind away again. She hadnt been thinking about yio lately.. she'd been so worried about settling this thing with kevin about the whole relationship search. She sat on her bed and sighed. "Wish those pants would dry faster.. -.- i didnt get THAT much snow on them."
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Part 4: Uknown Story
She had gone back inside early it was really cold outside. Starting to get annoyed now, her sister kept going up to her door and jerking on the door handle then walking back off. She had last night too, only she banged on the door and then banged on the wall.. unfortunatly her room was just through the wall from Soto's.. Why she hadnt yelled at her sister? because she pretended to be asleep. She didnt feel like letting her sister in again to get the qeustion of borrowing something of soto's. whether it was to check her email or borrow her cd player or any of the other electronic things that she a;ways asked to borrow. Every night she did this. Soto had ignored her until she finally left. Now it was a few hours past the time she woke up. She was wide awake and now.. she could finally think about how she would talk to shugo.. Whatever she said to him it had to be as deep as she felt it inside her.. she knew how it would start out "shugo.. i need to talk.. After thinking it over a while.. well you make alot of sense, the things you said last night. But i wasnt mad at you.. i just jumped on you like that before hearing the whole story because .. i thought it was sort of wrong to flirt with both of us and then ending up only liking one of us and hurting the other.. what you said i can understand but what i think is theres just a few problems with how you handled it.. im sorry you dont have that many girls to like you in the real world and i dont understand why but i do understand how you feel about not having the courage with girls.. but still.. im really sorry i just jumped on you like that last night.. that was something i could have handled differently.. im sorry" that was something she'd been wanting to say since last night after she'd cried a while.. and she would now.. she loved him whether as a friend or boyfriend so much and she had no idea now why she could have yelled at him.. she tried getting on a different sign on to see if he had gotten on but she hadnt gotten on her regular sign on. She didnt feel up to talking to Lira or Rizuka right now, even though she felt guilty because of that feeling. The only person she wanted to talk to was Shugo. The only person that could make her feel better, if she just got this feeling out. "whoa.." she sighed. " its not even pm yet and im allready wanting to talk to him.. after i said to myself that i wouldnt get on till sunday" her stomach started hurting.. maybe it was because she had that woozy feeling all day or maybe because she had the computer on her chest and stomach for an hour. She signed back on her other screen name. she was getting sick of seeing the same thing, Lira online, probably waiting for her and Rizuka still asleep. She was going to wait a few hours it was getting on her nerves that Rizuka wasnt awake yet.. even though she didnt feel like hearing the shugo thing. and Lira would be on all day long just waiting for soto to get back on. She didnt feel like being talked to so she stayed off.
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Part 3: Uknown Story
It was morning before she knew it.. soto awoke early in the morning at 7 or 8am even though it was a weekend. The night before she'd been outside an hour knees braught up to her chest crying sitting on the driveway. She had a little of a cold she was suprised it wasnt worse, sitting out there so long.. It was snowing outside and even though she saw it right when she woke up it was.. for some reason, not as exciting as it usually is.. The pain was killing her. She couldnt take it, and she knew only shugo could cure it, only by talking to him. Yet.. she couldnt face him.. she had jumped on him like that, she'd yelled at him before hearing the whole story.. This is what she kept saying outloud when she was crying all that night outside. She wanted to cry all day but she tried to save it for night so that her parents wouldnt know.. They'd ask why and she couldnt tell them because then they might think of another reason why its bad having online friends for her but truth was she'd cry harder if she was ever seperated from them. Everyone's always known soto as.. the wall between crying and depression. She never reached that point, crying.. Or so many of them thought.. They'd never been with her on these nights. She now was forcing herself to browse websites instead of getting on. She knew Lira was probably worried but she also had clear in her mind that she shouldnt have yelled at shugo and she was ashamed of it. That she ever could think of starting a fight with him.. But she had been mad, she had it wrong in her mind that he had cheated with her and Rizuka. But that wasnt it at all.. she could have talked to him instead of yelling.. What was wrong with her emotions since last night? all she felt like doing was going outside and watching the sky or snow or lying in bed looking out the window.. She wanted to train to get her mind away.. She wanted so badley to get away.. She thought her feelings were going haywire on her. And so she left again deciding to go outside for an hour or two.. Trying to avoid her sister or dad asking"whats the matter" she didnt do too good at that. She decided.. she wouldnt get on that night either.. It was so stupid of her to yell at him.. she had been the baka this time..
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