Saturday, February 19, 2005

   Part 13:
About a week past and i thought i could handle the rest of the school year, not seeing shugo or lira, but turns out i cant even handle a few days. guess its just in the back of my mind i know i wont see them for a while and thats why it hurts. all this morning i felt so weird.. especially these last few nights.. friday early morning i woke up for some reason at 2am. so i figured id stay up, and got dressed, started reading a manga and watching t.v. but about an hour later i fell back asleep. i had the same nightmare two times in a row and you're probably gonna laugh but.. ok, heres the nightmare. i went downstairs and looked out the door and there was this man picking up a book in the subdivison. he turned around and i think he saw me, cuz he started going up our driveway and up the front steps. he mouthed the words "is this yours?" and holding up that book. i held up a finger to signal for him to hold on. i went and tried to wake up my dad who was on the living room couch and said "dad theres a guy at our door, wake up" and he wouldnt wake up and i looked back at the door and the guy, he looked so freaky he had this big grin and he was looking in at me and it wasnt any friendly grin it was this evil freaky grin. man, that haunted me for a while. then in the nightmare i was yelling "wake up" to myself cuz for some reason i realized it was a dream but it took a few seconds to wake myself up. i blinked a few times to get the image of my dad out of my vision and i was sweating a little. then i think i went back to sleep and the nightmare repeated itself. exept this time , i went downstairs and saw the guy out in the circle picking up the book and thought "oh brother" and woke up deciding to stay awake. weird, huh? go ahead, laugh, you know you want to. but anyways, i went out in the garage and played basketball, useing the box that the cats fresh litter was in as a hoop. cuz i didnt have a basketball goal.. i need one. well then later on i got sick and had a headache and a fever. today i sat in bed most of the morning but it drives me crazy to just sit around all day. except when i got up id feel like i was gonna calapse. cuz of the headache. right now i feel better and i also had alot of time to clear my head. i was deep in my mind all morning, trying to clear my head about my friends. i felt like something was trying to kill my heart, as weird as it sounds, last night. like something was stabbing it slowely. like a silent death. and i felt like i was gonna die there, empty feeling. i could log on right now if i wanted to. but that would make it even harder to forget about how painful this has been. and the worst thing for me to do is log on right now. if i do, ill be letting my parents down. letting my friends down. and myself. because the more i think about my friends in class, the more i wont concentrate and if i dont i wont make better grades then i wont see my friends in the summer at all and i wont get a good education of course. all those teachers counting on me. and my family helping me. i dont want any of it to be a waste. Alot of this is what ive been thinking about all morning. and i keep asking myself "if you love your friends.. you'll leave them.." for now atleast.. i wish i hadnt gotten close to anyone.. all my life ive had to deal with bullys and other kids and stuff, just because i was strange and distant i never really got along with anyone, no one understood me but my family and i didnt understand alot of things either. not back then. i kept to myself and none of the kids got along with me. up till the time i met lira and shugo. before then, id only known a girl named kago. we hung out and stuff, and we got along until one night i went to spend the night with her. all of the sudden her room felt dark and strange to me, not like all the other times id spent the night. we planned to stay up but i couldnt take this depressing feeling inside me. finally i asked if we could go to sleep, and i tried not to, but i started crying. unfortunately heather heard me crying and she asked if i was ok and if i wanted to go home. i hesitated and then nodded. we went downstairs and her mom let me call the house. no one answered, but we went anyway to see if they'd answer the door. at first she asked if i wanted to go back, since the lights were off and i suddenly didnt feel relieved anymore like i had in the car on the way. but then mom and dad came and kago and her mom left and mom and dad had exressions on their face like they'd no idea what was wrong with me. after they tried to cheer me up and i tried to reasure them i was fine, when i hit my bed, i just felt so good. but then, the following months only worsened for me. i wouldnt barely leave the house, my sister would always be mad at me and yell when i wouldnt go places with them. she said i was selfish and that only made me more sad and depressed. i never went to kago's house again. never. it wasnt until i met lira and shugo and tsuke on the computer that my depression slowely began to fade away. i got up the courage to do things and go places even though we'd just go to walmart and id feel a little depressed. thats how bad it was for me. but months went by and i got up the courage to spend the night at rizuka's house. i thought the depression was gone.. but again, i was wrong. by nightfall i wanted to go to bed and i waited a while till i heard rizuka snoring. then i started crying. alot. in the morning, it was eased but the feeling wasnt completely gone. i was glad when my dad got there to pick me up. i dont spend the night with people that often because of this, but since then ive only spent the night 2 times with someone. but there were more than me and that other person. once at rizuka's party but two other people were there too and once with savanna but with two other people. maybe the pain just helps when theres more people. but thanks to lira, tsuke and shugo i can go places normal people would and have fun. even though that depression isnt completely gone. i still feel guilty for having kago's mom drive me home. even though that was two years ago. but hey, were not all perfect, now are we? ive thought about that night a long time and i still cant figure out why that depression just came to me. (going back to the present. we were in the past.) afternoon right now. I guess i feel a little better. but then again, im sitting right now, so how do i know? --ow my back. (she stood up.) oww.. ugh my stomach. (has only had crackers and some icecream for the whole day) uh-oh.. i think my fevers coming back.. my forehead feels warm.. geez.. perfect. its a weekend!!! how can you torture me like this??? >-< this is exactly whats gonna happend I KNOW. ill be sick all weekend and even the day were out of school and THEN ill be all better the day were back in school! man.. this stinks. help me( shes pouting ) am not! *wines* ( and this ends the story for today. cya in part 14 while she tries to get over being sick on a three-day weekend ) not fair not fair not fair *pouting again*
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