Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Today just sucks. First, I forgot to eat lunch so that by the time I left to go home I was ready to pass out - and then I get home and Korey's so called "girlfriend" is a lying little skank. I swear, if I wasn't so far away, I'd give her a piece of my mind.

This just sucks.
Comments (3) | Permalink

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Just to prove you otherwise... *grins*

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa82/brierlotus91/lip02.jpg

There has never been a more sexy me. Get over it. ^_~

Thanks, Britt.
Comments (3) | Permalink

S: Kiseki
A: BoA

So, I offer an idea for your tearing to shreds. Because I know you will because you love me. :) I am debating getting my lip pierced. I know I am going to get my ears pierced again, maybe even for my birthday, but the whole lip piercing will probably wait till I'm 18. So what're your thoughts?

Comment Corner
Lestat: Exactly.
Mouse: I don't mind. It amuses me, actually. It's a boy; unfortunately they can't do the surgery yet because his lungs aren't fully developed.
Korey: I know, I used to have to stay after for newspaper. I understand the boat you're in.
Britty: Have I seen you before? Your page layout looks familiar.
Comments (3) | Permalink

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

S: Here Without You
A: Three Days Grace

I'm kind of on a happy high right now - although Steven is starting to worry me, but that's natural, right? He always has this distant look on his face, even though he seems like he's all there. I don't know, maybe guilt is making me feel like that.

Three half days! I get out at 11:40 today, tomorrow, and Friday! Today I'm going to Jared's house after school, so that should be fun. Keep in your thoughts my aunt! She's going to have her c-section today, so we're all really nervous. Fingers crossed!

Meh, my nose itches. o_O

A lot.

Ahem. Anyway! I'm kind of hyper for five twenty AM, but that's probably due to the chocolate milk.

And how, may I ask, did John find my Myspace and get into the picture file? Grr. If he hacked it I am going to go off on him, seeing as it is set to friends only and he's not on my list.

Hm...

Anyway, good days peoplesesnesses.

...

o_O I really should NOT be allowed out in public.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Monday, October 8, 2007

S:
Feeling Way Too Damn Good
A:
Nickelback

I could not feel better right now if I won the lottery. This weekend was absolutely incredible, and I feel so good inside that I may actually be glowing. Well, color-wise. Glowage would be a baaad sign. ^_^;

So I went to the Homecoming Dance with Jared, and although my body is fairly sore, I had so much fun! He showed up at my house with a dozen roses. *blushes* I couldn't stop giggling for twenty minutes. We danced, he danced and I danced - although admittedly I looked stupid. ^_^; I can Crank That, Walk It Out, even Rock Away, but for some reason beyond my comprehension I can master neither the Cupid Shuffle nor the Electric Slide, no matter how many times I tried. Although now there's this joke going around that I'm white on the outside, but 1/2 Latina 1/2 black on the inside because of the way I dance. I finally mastered "Pop, Lock'n Drop It" which is not as easy as it sounds. It does the stupid thing six times in a row and it's hard to do fast without falling on your ass - but I managed. Now my knees hurt. -__-

But I had sooooo much fun! Kinda PO'ed at my mom because she's still smoking when she's tried quitting three times and keeps giving back in to the horrible things - what if my little brother gets asthma? Meh.

I just so happy.... ^_________^
Comments (4) | Permalink

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Speaking of Dreaming
Last night, or this morning rather, I had a dream where Steven was following me around mad, and I kept trying to get him to go away, and all of a sudden, I turned around and asked him if he still loved me. It was like he wasn't mad anymore and started crying, saying yes he did. The entire time Jared was lurking in the background, this look on his face like it hurt him but that he wanted me to be happy - even though neither one of us was sure what it was that would make me that way.

So my friend Jesse told me on Thursday that Steven told her "I'm tired of seeing her with her new boyfriend" and Jesse just started laughing. What does he expect me to do? I broke up with him, my life has to go on sometime, and whether you guys thnk this or not, I'd been waiting long enough. We'd been together two years, right? I'd been waiting since a year and a half... so January of this year. I just was too afraid that he might dosomething to himself. FInally it got so bad I just couldn't do it anymore. My mom agreed with me; which was more important: my sanity or his happiness? And I finally made that decision. The problem is, it still hurts. HOWEVER, it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did while I was with him. And that is what is important.
Comments (2) | Permalink

First Things First
To you sweet, loving boys who make me feel so important:

J-chan: Hon, I tried that. Seriously. And the longer I thought about it and the longer I told him no, the more my heart hurt. It hurts less now because I said yes. I was so afraid someone else would get to him before I did and I didn't want that to happen. Besides, it makes me so happy just to be around him, to see him smile, that I get butterflies. And only one other person - not Steven - has ever done that. And that was a long time ago. Oh, and he did tell me that it would be okay and he would wait for me. I just didn't want to wait.

Korey: I'm sorry; most of that is just an excuse. See the rest for explination.

~*~

I have depression. Not so bad they can prescribe medicine, but enough so that I suddenly become sad and hate the world I live in for no reason. I give myself reasons so I have somewhere other than violence to direct the pain. Most of the time no one else sees it because I hide it behind a cheery exterior. Freshman year was way worse. So bad Alex and Magpie came out, and Ahnka was ready to kill one kid.

I'm really going to be fine, I promise you. It'll go away and come back, but I will be fine. I fell asleep at Jareds and started dreaming. I guess I must have been doing something in my sleep becaused I felt Jared's head move from my shoulder and I tried to wake up - and couldn't. Then suddenly I woke up and was just shaking. I couldn't remember what I had dreamt but I knew it had to do with Jared's safety. I had those dreams last night, too, and having one with him there to reassure me made it easier to deal with. Maybe now I won't have them.

Don't worry about me, you two, I post these here because I need somewhere to vent and I know I can rely on you two listen. Thank you.
Comments (3) | Permalink

Friday, October 5, 2007

Sick Of All This
I don't know what to do. Everytime I see Steven in the hallway it kills me. He's trying so hard for me and yet - all I see is pain behind those beautiful green eyes. I admit it, I still love him, and I probably always will, but that relationship was killing me. And then there's Jared. Sweet, honest, utterly understanding Jared. And it kills me inside to know I think about Steven everytime he kisses me.

I couldn't even kiss him goodnight last night when he dropped me off because it hurt too much. I had broken down crying at his house because he gave me one of those long, loving looks from the depths of his heart - and suddenly I saw Steven, tears spilling from his eyes, heart and soul torn into pieces. I just don't know if I can do it anymore.

Then Spence PMed me back and he told me maybe he shouldn't be my friend anymore because of feelings he still has for me and that just did it. I know I've hurt Jacob, too, and everytime I tell Korey he can't fly out here I hurt him, too. Then there was Brett, one I never loved but who loved me. And then I love Preston. Everytime something happens between him and his girlfriend I want nothing more than to go kick her ass. He's the closest friend I've ever had, and a few weeks back I almost made it so he would never talk to me again.

I confessed to Moni a few days ago that I'm in love with her and she freaked out completely. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I really love all of them? Or is it just my sense of insecurity at work? Or maybe I'm just fucked up in the head. I know I am fucked up. Sometimes I lie there wondering when I'll be hit by a car and thinking that no one would care. All I'm here for is another fucking shoulder for people to lean on, cry on, and then they go away. Don't they understand? I fall in love a little with each person who confides in me. I can't help it. They connect with my soul.

Jared is the first that hasn't needed me. He just liked me for me. And I liked him. There was no overwhelming need to cradle him and soothe his fear away because he had none. What is wrong with me?
Comments (2) | Permalink

Friday, September 28, 2007

God Damn The Fucking World To Hell
I am hating this. I love Jared to death, my life suddenly clicked in place and you know what happens - Steven calls me a slut, suddenly apologizes, and now Korey's hurt and it's my fault.

I had a total Murphy's Law day yesterday - I kept getting kicked and stepped on and run into, not to mention stupid fucking Michael Tillery grabbed my wrists and wouldn't let go. He left red marks on my wrists and Jared is this close to beating the living shit out of him to begin with.

Then, I finally get home and I get locked out of the house. It's so hot outside, especially since we had this horrible storm last night and it started as heat lightning, and I was so misquito bitten that my legs STILL itch. I finally got in the house.

This fucking sucks. I'm the happiest I've ever been - even when Steven and I first started going out. Yesterday I wrote a song and Jared wrote the music to it on his guitar. We're hoping that I can come over withinthe next week and we can put the two pieces together. And yet, despite all this wonderfulness, my life is turning upside down. My mom is now working a full time job, AND a part time job. My dad is working full time for a group of idiots. My mom is pregnant, my aunt is having her baby and we have to go to Florida for the ENTIRE week I'm off in fall, so I get no break. My friends all want to kill Steven, and I'm freaking out because I still care about him. Not only that, but school work is hell. I've got a Spanish project due next week, which I haven't had a chance to even START, my stupid rough draft of my Macbeth essay is due today and it's not done, my Spanish homework isn't done, my Algebra 2 homework isn't done, and I have a big test in Government today! I'm so freaking out. God damnit.

Some give me a dose of slow the hell down, please?
Comments (3) | Permalink

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Bounce Back, Baby, Bounce Back
.....Okay, that was corny, and totally strange.

However, regardless of how strange it is, it was highly appropriate. For those of you I never talk to - not Korey or J-chan - I am not single! Yeah... after three weeks, already have a new boyfriend. And here's the ironic part. He's: A pisces, born March 15 (I'm the 13th), plays guitar, is an anime freak, finishes my sentances for me, and numerous other things that would make you think I'm hallucinating. In short, he is my veritable freakin CLONE, BUT! He is - 2 years and 2 days my junior.

Indeed.

I find this to be situational irony. For some reason. Now if only he would come on IM... grr.

And I'm so happy, Korey is planning on flying out to see me when I graduate! !!! ^___^

I hope to get a picture of moi and my lovely likkle Jared, but I may not - his camera is retarded. Oh, and... he's goth/punk. Three lip rings. Yeah. Make what comments you will.
Comments (1) | Permalink