Friday, October 5, 2007

Sick Of All This
I don't know what to do. Everytime I see Steven in the hallway it kills me. He's trying so hard for me and yet - all I see is pain behind those beautiful green eyes. I admit it, I still love him, and I probably always will, but that relationship was killing me. And then there's Jared. Sweet, honest, utterly understanding Jared. And it kills me inside to know I think about Steven everytime he kisses me.

I couldn't even kiss him goodnight last night when he dropped me off because it hurt too much. I had broken down crying at his house because he gave me one of those long, loving looks from the depths of his heart - and suddenly I saw Steven, tears spilling from his eyes, heart and soul torn into pieces. I just don't know if I can do it anymore.

Then Spence PMed me back and he told me maybe he shouldn't be my friend anymore because of feelings he still has for me and that just did it. I know I've hurt Jacob, too, and everytime I tell Korey he can't fly out here I hurt him, too. Then there was Brett, one I never loved but who loved me. And then I love Preston. Everytime something happens between him and his girlfriend I want nothing more than to go kick her ass. He's the closest friend I've ever had, and a few weeks back I almost made it so he would never talk to me again.

I confessed to Moni a few days ago that I'm in love with her and she freaked out completely. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I really love all of them? Or is it just my sense of insecurity at work? Or maybe I'm just fucked up in the head. I know I am fucked up. Sometimes I lie there wondering when I'll be hit by a car and thinking that no one would care. All I'm here for is another fucking shoulder for people to lean on, cry on, and then they go away. Don't they understand? I fall in love a little with each person who confides in me. I can't help it. They connect with my soul.

Jared is the first that hasn't needed me. He just liked me for me. And I liked him. There was no overwhelming need to cradle him and soothe his fear away because he had none. What is wrong with me?
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