Saturday, October 6, 2007

First Things First
To you sweet, loving boys who make me feel so important:

J-chan: Hon, I tried that. Seriously. And the longer I thought about it and the longer I told him no, the more my heart hurt. It hurts less now because I said yes. I was so afraid someone else would get to him before I did and I didn't want that to happen. Besides, it makes me so happy just to be around him, to see him smile, that I get butterflies. And only one other person - not Steven - has ever done that. And that was a long time ago. Oh, and he did tell me that it would be okay and he would wait for me. I just didn't want to wait.

Korey: I'm sorry; most of that is just an excuse. See the rest for explination.

~*~

I have depression. Not so bad they can prescribe medicine, but enough so that I suddenly become sad and hate the world I live in for no reason. I give myself reasons so I have somewhere other than violence to direct the pain. Most of the time no one else sees it because I hide it behind a cheery exterior. Freshman year was way worse. So bad Alex and Magpie came out, and Ahnka was ready to kill one kid.

I'm really going to be fine, I promise you. It'll go away and come back, but I will be fine. I fell asleep at Jareds and started dreaming. I guess I must have been doing something in my sleep becaused I felt Jared's head move from my shoulder and I tried to wake up - and couldn't. Then suddenly I woke up and was just shaking. I couldn't remember what I had dreamt but I knew it had to do with Jared's safety. I had those dreams last night, too, and having one with him there to reassure me made it easier to deal with. Maybe now I won't have them.

Don't worry about me, you two, I post these here because I need somewhere to vent and I know I can rely on you two listen. Thank you.
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