Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Gods, I don't want to mess this up. I always though Steven was the best thing that happened to me... he made me so happy sometimes, it was insane. Jared... he has all the ups and none of the downs. Most importantly there is no temper to explode on me if I even say something wrong.

There's a lot I've been meaning to tell you guys about the relationship with Steven but I wasn't actually able to until now. I didn't have the courage, and it hurt me everytime I thought about it. I loved Steven with all my heart, so much it hurt me. But we were constantly fighting, yelling at each other for no reason at all...and when we weren't, it was a totally physical relationship. I think we lost the ability to talk to each other, really TALK, at six months, a year. Something like that.

One incident stands out strongly in my mind that will probably make you guys mad - especially since I didn't tell you already - but it was a long time ago. Steven had said something that made me mad and I told him I was. I warned him and said that I needed to cool down. He gave me this look, like "so what" and started laughing at me. NEVER laugh at a girl when she's PO'ed - she will take it out on you. I started shaking, telling him to stop laughing, which only made him laugh more. It was like he was doing it to wound my pride - which I have considerably too much of. I warned him one more time and he put his hands up going "what're you gonna do about it?" and laughed some more. So my temper broke and I slapped him.

Now, this did not show very good judgement on my part, but what he did after kind of swamped it. His face contorted with fury, and his hands came up to the sides of my head. He didn't just grab me, his hands SLAMMED into my head, and then he threw me against the floor. My head bounced a couple times and I remember passing out for like, two seconds. I was in so much shock that I just lay there shaking staring wideeyed at him, terror completely consuming me.

I know, I'm using fancy words, but this is no story.

He was looking at me in shock, staring at his hands, and then started saying "Baby I'm sorry" over and over. I wouldn't let him near me. I couldn't hug him for a week, much less let his hands near my head. Now, I've always been the kind of person where I will only let you touch my hair or head if I really freaking trust you - like, with my life. You know, like a dog does with the pads of their feet. It's a weak spot, and i know that ifsomeone catches my head with ill intentions I'm dead meat.

Even now, Jared will startpetting my head and my entire body will start shaking like crazy, and those few seconds it took for me to fall flash through my head again, the look on his face and the terror. It's been happening a lot lately.

But the thing is... Jared has never given me a reason to be afraid of him. He gets angry when people hurt me - emotionally or otherwise - but he usually restrains himself. He doesn't yell or anything. Gods, he makes me so happy it's like I'm on Cloud Nine. I mean, skip cloud seven. >.<

I don't know how to describe what he does to me. I get butterflies just by looking at him, his voice, the way he hugs me - the rest of the world ceases to exist. Maybe he's the one. Maybe I've finally got it right.

And know what's the coolest about it? Steven doesn't bother me anymore. Neither does John. Those stupid memories that come back to haunt me - they don't hurt anymore to look at. they're just facts, THINGS that happened. I'm so over it.

<3 Always
Skye
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