Wednesday, May 11, 2005

It all happened too fast...
There is seriously something wrong with me...I was having a good day...then...it happened...
I was watching T.V. and having a good time. Then Jakie((my little brother)) did something, though I can't remember what...anyway, I grabbed his arm and threw him across the room. Don't worry, he landed on something soft. But then, Grandma got frustrated with Jakie not picking up his toys, so I started picking them up instead. I didn't want to hear her high pitched yelling anymore. Jakie didn't like the fact I was touching his stuff((he's 3 years old and very teritorial)), so he kicked me in the face. As soon as I found my glasses, something took control of me. I don't know why I did it. I didn't realize I was doing it until it was all over. I grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. I started yelling at him.
"Don't you EVER kick me again!" I yelled. When I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks, it only made me tighten my grip. He screamed and Grandma came in the room and seperated us. When I realized what I had done, I packed my bag and left. I never wanted to hurt Jakie again. I was crying as I walked down that steep hill. I went to Rylie's house, but Rylie wasn't there. His mother invited me in and then questioned my duffel bag. I broke down crying, telling her I wasn't safe to be around anymore. She just held me and comforted me. When I was calm, she talked me into calling my mom. Mom came to pick me up and brought me back home. I do not know why I'm back here? I deserve to go back to the hospital. I deserve to go back to all those hellish places called Residential Treatment Centers.
Permalink

I finally realized it
Everything that was torturing me. Everything I was scared of. Everything that made me feel weak and insignificant was all in my head. I was imagining it. I don't know why, but unconsciously I wanted to feel that way. I wanted someone to have complete control over me. I wanted to be a victem. That's why I imagined Amarie and Evilness and Akio. I would imagine them doing such evil things to me. Am I a freak? Am I crazy? Do I belong in an insane asylum? I cried all night last night, telling myself I was crazy and it was dangerous for other people to be around me. I do not know why I imagined it, but all I know that it was what I wanted. Otherwise, it wouldn't be in my head.
Permalink

Monday, May 9, 2005

Today I finally did it
I found the Mp3 to "simple and clean" ! I am soooo happy! Mom is still addicted to Kingdom Hearts, and I hardly get to play it anymore cuz she's always on it. T_T it just aint fair.
Permalink