Sunday, January 21, 2007

Writing For The Sake of Writing

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Sunday, January 14, 2007

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Nothing to say, really

Hey, everyone. I don't really have much to say, but if you're interested in mindless droning, then feel free to continue reading. Just thought I'd give that warning ahead of time. So yeah...my morning sucked. I was up until really, really early this morning. I was pretty tired, but at that time, I didn't mind it. At about 5 am (I believe it was...), I went to sleep. No more than a half an hour later, I was brought back to life by noisy children. I had to take "care" of them, and keep them in line. All they did was basically tear stuff up. Which is sad, because my only bass guitar is cracked, thanks to these very same children... But all the same, I've been up ever since. There's never an opportunity to rest anymore...well, except for at night, but I'd rather not. I'm just a little tired...I want to sleep, but I don't think it's gonna happen. My only moment of reprieve will present itself as my mother leaves to go and do something with her life. So, until then, I'd rather not be taunted with ten minutes of comfortable sleeping. Yeah, life sucks. >_<; But I'll deal. Anyways, things are getting listless around here. I'm really hoping that it's an indication that my mother's gonna leave soon... Oh, and I'm THIS close to starting Ragnarok Online again. That game is so awesome! I mean, it's no World of Warcraft, but by all means, it's still kick-ass (don't care what anyone says ^^;). So I'm about to get on with the installation process, and probably nod off while I wait for that. In the meantime...I'll talk to you people later! ^_~

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Friday, January 12, 2007

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To be brief...and not so brief...

Hey. It's been an early day for me so far. I really want to go back to sleep, but I can't just yet. There's something that I have to do right now - as in, I won't be able to do it later. Kinda needed the computer for it, but in a house with two jackass siblings and units that don't care...the only way to save face was to get up early. So...I've been up since about 6:30. I probably won't get to sleep until around 8:30. Not to mention I was on the phone last night until 2:00 am (and was falling asleep then XD). Well, regardless, I was just talking and typing to kill time while this file is downloading. It's at 96%, so I guess I'll go now. Take care everyone, and thanks for listening to me talk about absolutely nothing. It's too fucking early for this. @_@. Lol, laters.

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Sunday, January 7, 2007

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Conflict from Within

Hey, everyone. I was sifting through a lot of my old material, and thought to post something here. First of all, I'd like to thank my Kizu for getting me my awesome wallpaper. Secondly, I love my dearest Angel. I love you, sweetheart. I guess it's kinda like that song goes; "I think she gave me something to live for - I guess I helped her pass the time. And it's cruel, but she's got a good hold on me." <3 Anyways, on to the main reason of my post (aside from showing off my awesome wallpaper ^_^;). A dear friend, Deena, told me that I'd encouraged and inspired her to write something. So, while I was going through my stuff, I found one of my darker poems. I think it's really rather emotional and not that great, but it's all I had with me, so...yeah. Any comments would be nice lol. Take care everyone. ^^; -------------------------------- Mercy Killing From The Pages ________________________________ Take this blade, prepare for the worst. Take this oath, swear by it's sharpened edge Promise me you'll kill me with no remorse... Be ruthless; cut me down, banish me from this realm, Because I cannot bear existence any longer. Don't look so surpised, and I'm begging you, From the bottom of my heart, do not deny me this time. You stand there, inches away from me - I'm right here. Does it appear to be as 'alright' as you think? Dreams' constituents feed from ending this misery. I pray, night after night, to never rise from this bed again. Why? Do you not comprehend? My life is expired...completely depleted... Hours of creeping heartache. Minutes of misery ridden cries. Seconds of stabbing regrets, spilling blood. My eyes are so exhumed that they could never shed a single tear again... I've exhausted my life's supply too soon, Wasting them on people so undeserving, and I admit it; The king of the damned fools all along was myself. I've realized, in my time of emotional incarceration That the meaning of existence is not life or love - far from it; Brooding death...violent, twisting, vengeful death. I've no time for your pleas; my time is nigh. Do it or I will. Decide now - no more waiting! Three, two, one...farewell...

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Saturday, January 6, 2007

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New Year, Same Old Crap

The hardest part of this is uncertainty. That was all he thought to himself as he lay sprawled across the red-quilted bed. The only thing he wanted to do was to be with her - to be only hers, be desired by her more than anything else. However, the only thing he did was reassess the state he was in, and re-evaluate his life thus far. It was the only thing he did; it was the only thing he could do. Anthony was colder than he'd ever felt, but the patchwork comforter provided no warmth...nor did it provide comfort. Albeit useless, he still pulled the sheet from the nearby sofa to his bed, and cocooned himself within its confines. The room itself had been veiled in shadow and darkness and, in a way, was very befitting of his mental and emotional state. Dark, brooding, mysterious, inquiring, and not lucid in the least. It was the way Anthony liked it - at one time, he suffered slightly from anemia, so the cold was something he'd been used to. The darkness of the basement bedroom had also been familiar, as he also enjoyed his solitude and sleep. But right now, none of that mattered to him. The layered, wood-paneled walls were less than intriguing to him, and he did not care to pick up one of his guitars. He stared, less than intently, at the animated poster on his wall. In black print, it read, "A guitar is the human soul, speaking with just six strings." And prior to today, he'd honored that adage completely - in times of depression, he would pick up his jet black Les Paul and write until he had no more burdens to bear, buried within his chest. But now...? He glanced over at the row of the weapons of bards and scops. "I'm sorry, but I just can't write," he thought to himself. "I want to sing out my sorrows, but this hurts so much that I...I..." As he lay there, the soundwaves began to lap against the shores of his mind. An acoustic ballad had been set to repeat on the stereo - a song he had fallen asleep to the night before. However, it wasn't the melancholy blend of vocals and harmonizing guitars that held him captive. It had been the message within the song, and the picture had been painted on the canvas of his mind. A girl, standing on a rooftop...expressing her immense sorrow of being alone. This girl, whomever she may have been, had known the company of no one for what seemed to be the vast majority of her life. But as the ballad went on, and as Anthony lay, bringing the tale to life in his mind, a line in the song reached out to him, grabbed him by the ear, and demanded undivided attention. "The roof slips beneath my feet..." "...as the branches' backs lay for me..." "...the softest grass turns to concrete..." "...but I will fly, I will fly - you will see..." It was then that all of the self-contemplation, re-evaluation, reassessment...all of that suddenly skid to a screeching halt. Something hit him, and it hit harder than anything he'd ever felt; Anthony knew that he was depressed, but he had never felt so down in his entire life. The pain he'd felt, the thoughts he'd thought, the tears that trembled down his face - they were all so severe, so encompassing, that the experience itself was something that he had never known before. And this was a lot, coming from dear Anthony, for he had seen more than his fair share of disappointments, loss, and failure. Living in that hellhole of a house he was in, losing his father and best friend, and the physical abuse that was far gone (compiled with the verbal abuse that carried on) had made him stronger by experience, but each took a drastic toll on his emotional well-being. Many times, he'd thought of just running away and never turning back, leaving his pathetic life behind - come whatever may. He'd even thought of suicide before (which, admittedly, is a cowardly way out). Tears were not foreign to him back then, but even if they were...they were all too familiar now. Anthony hated confessing, but he knew the truth; this would not be something so easily overcome. He turned over on the mattress and rested his head on the pillows that held it and his sorrowful, secret dreams in the dead of night. What was he to do? Two sights generally allayed the confusion and cleared his mind, on more than one occasion: falling raindrops from a gray-tinted sky, or a burning flame, controlled and detained to a small glass. And seeing that the sky was not crying as much as he was that morning, he broke free of his blanket cocoon and walked to his chest of drawers. Set atop the wooden cabinet were a row of his candles, each varying in scents and the emotions tied to them. A small, circular tea candle glass held a pale-green disk, and he carried it and a lighter back to the nightstand aside his bed. As the candle slowly began to burn brightly, Anthony lay back in the bed, restraining himself again to the comforter shell that he created. The scent from the candle began to permeate the light-deprived room...a light air of cucumber melon. It had been the scent that she carried, the perfume she wore. Immediately, it resurrected many memories that were not so distant to begin with. Memories of nights long ago, when they had been awkward and innocent - and dreadfully afraid of what the other had been thinking of them. Of times closer, when they spent summer mornings sitting together, breathing in the warm air behind the church they loved and held so dearly. Of times that felt like yesterday, laying together in bed, entwined in each other's arms. The television was on, though the volume was low, but emanating a warm, blue glow. He could almost feel her there...as if he could breathe in her scent from her neck, kiss her wonderfully spherical cheeks, and do his best to show her just how much he cared for her... The wax began to melt, as the red, broken lines on his alarm clock began to blur together. After all, the minutes meant nothing to Anthony, because however many minutes stood between him and his betrothed...it was far too many to cope with. He then glanced at the object next to the alarm clock. It was the leather-bound journal that she had given him as a Christmas gift quite some time ago. He focused on it, transfixed; the black leather book, with the gilded pages and pagekeeper that held many of his inner workings and issues. After a few moments of involuntary gazing, he broke away from his seemingly spellbound state, and began to rise from the bed. "Maybe I don't have the motivation to sing or play, but I can do what I do best..." he persuaded himself. If there was anything Anthony was confident in, it was his writing proficiency. He wasn't the greatest wordsmith, but he was adept enough to take pride in it. So, he began to cut through the darkness and carry himself and his weighted heart up the stairs. Step by step, he could feel the depression taking a physical toll on him; his arms and shoulders felt as though they were anchors, his head a whirlwind of visceral thoughts. After the voyage of twelve or so stairs (that seemingly was a lifetime), he made his way to the station where the depression became the art of saving himself. As he opened the book, he thought deeply. He knew that he wanted to write, but just what was his message? After all, each and every work of art has an inspiration, a deep-seated meaning to be interpreted by the perceiver. However, subtlety was not on his agenda - he didn't care to have an underlying meaning bid for interpretation. He wanted to make it known that right now, right here was one of the most sorrow-stricken, angst-ridden, love-seeking individuals to ever spill his thoughts for the entire world to read. But where to begin? He needed a line that would begin everything - that would "come out of the corner swinging", and let the reader know just how he felt about this trying time in his life and love. Anthony took a deep breath and he spoke from his soul, as he dashed off his emotions in one phrase - it began... "The hardest part of this is uncertainty..."

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Saturday, December 2, 2006

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Subtle Sword

Hey, guys! It's an entirely new year, and I'm hoping that we're all optimistic about it. Things are getting frightening and crazy for a lot of people (especially me), but let's hope that we maintain and get through it all. The majority of my stress is coming from a lot of directions, but a lot of it stems from future anxiety. I'm worried that a lot of things that I'm planning may and/or may not work out, and it's scary. I'm gonna be in college in the fall...I got an acceptance letter from Vincennes, but that's not saying too much. I applied for a safety school, back-up plan - if all else failed, then I could go to a university still. I'm gonna be living independently...away from home...that sounds so daunting and exhilarating at the same time. This is turning out to be a lot more than I'd ever expected it to be. But believe it or not, I'm just waiting for June and graduation. My life is gonna be scary, and maybe difficult at times, but damnit, it's gonna be amazing! ^^; Here's hoping for the best.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

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Dormant - The State of Quiescence

There is no sense in crying over that which will not and cannot change. Even if it hurts so much that you'd give anything for it to change - to metamorphasize - and evolve from the wastes. It never will. Kill your dreams. Well, I won't if you won't. I will if you will... And as it began, it came to end, ever swiftly. Another goodnight, emotions silently stolen in the darkness on the other end of the line. Another goodbye, devoid of all life and soul - and yet, the corpse still stnads, wearing it's heart on it's sleeve, and bearing the bruises and scars. Another hollow "I love you." And because I love you, I deal... And because of your exhaustion and your memory lapse... But darling, I'm so understanding and so set to please you that it's just something that I've grown to accept and expect. That is, whether I like it or not. But I love you. I miss you. I cannot be without you. So as you breathe, gently into the night's (your lover's) arms, I won't. I will take this pen as the subtle sword my mind fashions it to be, and I shall bleed my heart - dry as the ink on the pages. Understanding has fallen. But I love you. I miss you. I cannot be without you. What's so hard that you can't be understanding yourself? What are you so afraid of?

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

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Ameliorating - The Period of Convalescence

So hey, everyone. I'm pretty tired right now, but I'm in a really good mood. Well, actually, my fingers hurt like hell, because it's really cold in here and I've been typing for a while now. But yeah, I'm still happy because today was a really good day. Minus a lot of low points...today was an exceptional day. I was able to keep focused, and I got a lot of things done today. I'd have like to get others done that went unaccomplished today, but that's what tomorrows are for, yeah? ^^; So everyone, you can tell me how proud you are of me. I got all of my homework done, I've listened to a great deal of music (I haven't stopped since I got on the bus), and I got my article finished for the next print of the school paper! Well, for one of my articles, anyways lol. I did a music review on a band called Underoath and their album Define The Great Line. I thought that it'd be cool to write on them because they're a post-hardcore/metal band who define themselves, as well as their music and inspirations, as Christian. I thought it was weird, until I listened to "Moving For The Sake of Motion" and "Salmarnir," and then I knew that I could write an awesome article on this! So, being the intelligent person I am, I pitched it to the editors, and they thought it was a good idea. Thus, article complete! My friends Jack and Morgan were supposed to come over tonight to watch Pulp Fiction and The Boondock Saints, but they got roped into some crap at the convention center. It's fine with me, though, because Jack gets to see his 'Sally' and Morgan...can go and be a pimp, haha. I'll enjoy a quiet night here and watch my movies (although I'm supposed to be writing music to "D.N.A. Devolver" lol). Well, I'm off to laugh at Samuel L. Jackson for a bit. Take care, everyone!

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Monday, November 6, 2006

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To The Rats...

Okay, so I've decided to make another post today. I'm not totally sure why...but yeah. For the few people who read this site, the last post wasn't about any of you. As a matter of fact, I know that the subject doesn't read this site anymore lol. It involved a clash with a friend of mine that ultimately led to severing ties with him completely. But that's not the point, now is it? I just wanted to write because I felt like writing. I suppose I could get into the story of my life as of late. Recently, I've been stressing out, depressed beyond all belief. Things aren't well with me right now, but I know that I'll recover from it. Everything just seems like a lot to me lately. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty bad right now. Maybe this is all karma and the Law of Threefold Return. Who knows? I don't think I've done anything to deserve some sort of otherworldly retribution, but I guess I'm getting it. It's fine, though - I am who I am, yeah? I just...I kinda can't help but feel so low right now. I mean, I'm dealing with school (which is probably where most of my problems stem from), friendships, my relationship, home-life, and, believe it or not, daydreams. Not all of these things are bad, you know - I just think that I'm at a point where I seriously just want to be left alone. I hate dealing with all of this...and I feel like I'm dealing with everything alone. It sucks really bad...I mean, I know I'm not dealing with it alone. I've got my fiancee, my friends (especially Jack and Dante), and I shouldn't feel this way...but life is life, yeah? I will get back up, I promise. In the meantime, there are a lot of things to be happy about. My band PARANOIA finally has a new drummer! Cool guy named Andre who frequents the theater guild has decided to play with us now. So things are well. Not to mention people have been really happy about our acoustic demo, and are starting to take interest. I would like to get it up here, but for some reason, it's encoded as a LAME file. So, if anyone reading this knows anything about converting LAME to .mp3 files should leave a comment...please? Also, my lyrics have been in circulation for a day or two. Well, not really...only some of the lyrics to a few people. But I've been getting a lot of great responses from a lot of unbiased people. I've even had a person call me late last night to tell me how captivated they were by the lyrics, and how upset she was when she'd reached the blank pages. Apparently, I am a good writer. I mean, I knew it all along, but it never hurts to hear it, you know? ^^; By the way, I also wanted to take down that Atreyu song. I think it got the point across, so now I've changed it to something else. A song called "Hold Me Down" by Motion City Soundtrack. I'm not sure why I'm putting it up...I've just been listening to it a lot lately. I also believe that my Otaku posts are far longer than they should be. Will you stop reading? Nope. So, now I'm gonna go. Like I said, I don't feel very well. I've got my voice back...kind of...but I still feel a bit sick, and depressed. Really depressed. So depressed, in fact, if you asked me to explain why, I'd give you some half-assed, obscure, vague explanation like I did above. But I shall be fine, with or without any assistance. Laters.

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Sunday, October 29, 2006

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Getting It Up!

You put a bullet in my head, turned black thoughts to red - this could all end in tragedy... I dream of your death, lay you down to rest. I won't look back in fond memory! But time marches on like a soldier. Are you a killer? I think I know what you are - a thief in the night. And though it's taken me so very long to figure you out, you're throwing stones. Your glass castle is falling down on top of your good times, and... I'm not interested in working this out. You put a bullet in my head, turned black thoughts to red - this could all end in tragedy... And that's what you are - a sad, plastic, fucking mess! Don't come to me with how your tired, used up and just barely "getting by." Because I would walk on by and not even... Not even kick you when you're down! Though you would deserve it, because you are lower than the lowest dog. But this is the part...where I say goodbye and let the sands of time blow over us. Say goodbye, and let the sands of time blow over us (you). You've never had to crawl. You've never had to see what it feels like to be so... trapped underneath the weight of someone's world. It comes crashing down on me. I was longing to be free - I put the bullet in you and me... This is my farewell to you and I...this will all end in tragedy... ---------------------------------------- An appropriate song with fitting meaning. I know you're reading this, so I'm going to let you know that I am entirely done with you. When next you see me, and cast your swifting glances - keep walking past me. Find someone else to carry you and help you struggle with your life - don't you ever come to me again with anything! Don't bother speaking, because I have nothing to say.

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So I got up today and decided to go ahead and put up my new theme. I decided to go with Beck: Mongolian Chop Squad. I thought it was kind of cool, so I went and created an entirely new layout for it. Is it aesthetically pleasing? Personally, I think it's awesome. I'm not sure if it's better than my Dirge of Cerberus theme, but since I have more pictures and a new playlist, I think it's pretty cool (not to mention, better than most people can do lol). I didn't go all-out on this one, but I did just enough to show off a bit and make it functional. Doing this HTML crap is hard - nothing like gathering stuff from a pre-made MySpace layout lol. I've also been thinking...every time that I seem to post something on this site, I seem to feel a bit better. I mean, I could go ahead and post anything and everything on MySpace and Facebook, but I just don't want to for some reason. Therefore, I'm really going to use my site more often. If I didn't, then what would be the point of doing all of this work on it? Totally pointless. ^^; I have also done a lot of thinking this morning. I've got a lot of interesting things to post up here - possibly things that could be up for discussion. That is, of couse, assuming I go around and visit people, make friends, and persuade them to become frequents to this pathetic page lol. I don't mind it much - I can add a lot of people who were on my friends list on my other, old site. But, all the same, I've got to try and get in touch with my reckless best friend. Today's supposed to be a big day for him, but knowing him...he's going to do something completely stupid and make his relationship more difficult than it already is... Oh, and before I go, I have some news! Depending on whether or not I can do a few things today, you guys may get a few MP3's of my band, PARANOIA! There's some work to be done, but if I can work my magic (no pun intended, haha), then you guys should get a song or two on my playlist by Saturday (by tomorrow or late tonight, if you're really lucky). If you have any comments about my new layout, let me know! It wasn't easy doing all of this. T_T. Any suggestions or constructive criticism are appreciated. Take care everyone, and laters.