Friday, October 27, 2006

To Do Whatever I Can

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

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Wishes To Tears...

I know it's not much, but since PARANOIA rehearsal is over and you can't hear the music, I did something else. I hope that it eases the depression you're going through and it brings a 150-watt smile to your beautiful face. Love, always and forever, Your Kenshin

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

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You would rather bleed...

Hey, everyone. How are you all? I'm doing fairly well, all things considered. I was lying in bed when the idea dawned on me: to update my fading Otaku page. Oh, and just so you know (not that it matters), but I'm probably gonna re-design this site soon. I wanna get back into Photoshop and create my own button and some other little trinkets. One could say that I was inspired by my friend EternalDragon's new clubs (which I will be joining both). Not that I don't love Vincent Valentine - he still owns every character in every story. Well, maybe to me, just because I can feel some relativity between the character and myself...but I'm sure you all are tired of looking at him for now lol. So, on to what's been up... I've been trying to get back into more anime and manga. I've noticed that I haven't been watching or reading as much as I used to. Not that I'm any less of an anime lover - I still end up drawing it from time to time. I guess it started when I fell away from Naruto...then I stopped BTing Bleach and fell behind. So, I'm trying to dabble into more things and get my inner nerd back. So, any anime suggestions are more than welcome. Things I'm into now (or getting into soon): Black Cat (it seems interesting) Chrono Crusade (has nothing to do with Chrono Trigger) Bleach (still awesome) Beck (DUDE! Les Pauls + manga = love) Dramacon (dunno why...lol...) Naruto (...maybe - gotta catch up) Full Metal Panic! (also seems interesting) Saiyuki Reload (never got into it after the original Saiyuki) .hack//Another Birth (anything .hack// rocks) .hack//AI Buster (the novel lol - told ya) Let's see...other stuff. Well, I've been feeling really...well, I've been feeling a lot of things. I haven't been sleeping well lately. Those of you who used to read my other site probably noted that I have had sleeping problems before. I'm not totally sure what triggers them, because they aren't consistent. I woke up today and my body was aching all over. I really think that it has something to do with the fact that I haven't had over four or five hours of sleep in at least a month. But we're on Fall Break, so I'll sleep over the next few days ^^; Also, I've been experiencing acute 'senioritis.' Yeah, last year I told myself that it was bullshit, but now that I've got it...it's kicking my ass lol. I don't feel like going to classes (but given my situation, I don't have much of a choice). I've magically got more school spirit now than the other three years of high school combined. I'm scared as hell of graduation and post-graduation life. I think that a lot of it is the uncertainty of everything. I have a tendency to over-analyze when it's totally unnecessary...but, oh well ^^; My lovely Angel has been keeping me surfaced above the water, and I love her so much for that. I'm not sure what sort of state I'd be in without her right now, so if you're reading this; Thank you. I appreciate you so much, and I love you. Also, there's some other things that I think I've been keeping hidden from just about everyone. And I'd rather not get yelled at for my type of thinking - or starting any sort of sympathy comments. I'll be fine, so don't worry about anything. Well...at least I think I will be. That factor of uncertainty kicks in once again, but we will see. Now, everyone go out and have fun! Like, super-sparkly fun! (For some reason, that reminded me of my little Tohma and now I want Pocky...) *BREAKTHROUGH* I just realized that I don't...remember the last time I had Pocky. That'd probably make me happy, so...off to get some tomorrow! XD. Laters, everyone.

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Wednesday, October 4, 2006

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Just a small update...

Hello, people. How are ya? I'm doing rather well, I guess. Today was a pretty interesting day. I'm a bit tired as of late...stressing a bit over school and life and a lot of other crap. As usual, yeah? Well, I'll deal with it - I always do, haha. Today was the Club Fair at school, which we held in the surge. (Excuse any typos I make, my hands are fucking freezing.) In any case, I was at not one, but TWO different booths off and on. I stood at one for the Theater Guild and another for the Jazz Band - because, of course, I'm the lead guitarist so I had to be there. (insert sarcasm here) So, I was running back and forth for two to three hours. Band room, M.A. room, theater, surge, locker, surge, M.A. room, band room, back. I'm fucking tired T_T. I had to deal with that, on top of the stupid people on the Spell Bowl team here. Apparently, all of the other seniors on the team (including a certain someone) decided to just NOT SHOW UP. AGAIN. Why the hell would you do that? We're supposed to lead the underclassmen, and they just don't appear at all...but whatever. At the prior practice, I'd given everyone an assignment. We'd break the list into parts so that we could create a hybrid 'specialty list' before competition. (Which, it seems, we are not prepared for.) So, everyone did what I told them to do, and I'm gonna type out that list tonight, since I've gathered all of that data. What fun, yeah? T_T Anyways, my major issue is how the fucking idiot seniors blew everything off. We have a few days until competition, and they just randomly decide to not show up to practices? I swear, I'm gonna have to carry this team this time...and people wonder why I magically have these burdens that mysteriously appear from nowhere. Guess what? They don't appear from nowhere. They are created by people who just don't give a damn about others. Normally, I wouldn't be so pissed about it, but considering I've got so much (and everyone already knew this), I just don't see how they could do that to me. I've spread myself far too thin today - I'm really exhausted! But everything's worth it. My grades are actually looking like five A's and a something...I never know what to expect in Economics. But, you see, this is the first time I've EVER said "five A's" and have been dead fucking serious. I'm so proud of myself ^^; So, I'm coming a step closer to being dreams to fruition, and I couldn't be happier. That's what fuels me these days. I haven't broken yet only because I'm so close to true happiness that I just can't give up yet. I can endure this for a while longer, I'm sure of it. So I'll deal with the stress and the fatigue for a little while longer. One of the people responsible for sustaining me is my beautiful fiancee. I really think it's amazing that she can bear her burdens and still try to steal mine away from me lol. She's got so much to deal with, and she's still always trying to make me happy. I really love her for that, and for everything she does for me - she's my everything. And yes, Tavi, we are getting married. I doubt it will be very soon, but we'll see. Talk to her about it, because I'm sure she's got more of it figured out than I do, haha. Wow, this is getting long, isn't it? I guess that I'll wrap this up, lmao. Didn't mean to waste too much of your life. (If I hit Backspace one more damned time...>_<) Did I mention that I'm really, really cold? My fingers are about to fall off XD. I'm gonna go warm up - take care, everyone.

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Sunday, September 17, 2006

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Just so you don't feel empty... (4:40 P.M. CST)

Hello, everyone who wastes their lives away reading this pathetic attempt at a blog. I'm not going to get overdramatic today...I'm sort of not in the mood, to say the least. I'm trying to shoot for one night - just one - without going through the usual crap that I go through. I don't know how well that'll work out, seeing as some people are just hell bent on doing the same shit over and over, every night...but whatever... Even so, I'm not too worried about it. I don't need to be. I've got my wonderful fiancee to help me through anything. She's actually going through a few issues right now, so I put a new song up to describe how I'm feeling. I'd much rather put my own music up...but seeing as this is everything to a point, I like it, so...here. It's "A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional. If you wanna know what sparked this suddenly, just ask. I've gotta go, so...laters everyone. And I love you, Angel <3.

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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

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Silence in Sequence - Breathing In

I know that you're in the car right now I know you're heading back to school...again... I know that your head hurts right now from suppressing tears again. But what I know the most is that I feel like crying myself Coming to the painful realization that my better half is leaving me once more. At this point, A weekend is not enough. All I can do now is daydream and fantasize about fireballs raining down from the sky, destroying your school to nothing but a burning ruin. No need to wish me luck, 'Cause luck can't help me here. Not that it matters, because I'm a celestial ninja leprechaun anyways...but I digress... I'll wait patiently for your wings of love to carry you to our Eden. Waiting for you Hoping, praying, That you'll miss me, want me, need me half as much as I know I need you. I don't know if you are reading this But if you are then I'm sure you understand I'm waiting I'm always waiting And I'll always wait for you Because you mean so much to me, and I'll never give you up for anything. My lyrical prowess is like a power drill being run through an ostrich egg. And I'm wishing on stars that you'll be there for me when I get queasy from looking at the yolk. And just so you don't feel empty, I'll say it once more Twice more As many times as you want or need to hear it... And I'll mean it from the bottom of my shoe/boot hybrids To the top of my shiny forehead To the tips of my lips that pray your return as much as the rest of me I love you, Angel, more than you'll ever know. I love you. Now all I have to do is wait just a little bit longer 'til you come home and I'll show it...

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Sunday, September 10, 2006

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You've Fallen Asleep in Denial (3:45 P.M. CST)

In this corrupted world, people really are designed to let you down. I guess that although I know this, I just can't accept it. I'm going to be one of the most foolish, hopeless people to ever walk the planet. When I say that I've been hurt, I've been scared, and I've been alone, I'm not asking for pity. I'm telling you the truth. Instead of treading the path of obscurity and solitude, I'm trying to be forgiving and embracing. What is it that I refuse to do things the way I know to be...safest? I'm really lost...and I don't really know what to do about it. I've been lost in thought all day, replaying the past in my mind, over and over again. Someone, please tell me why I refuse to let go of my past! I can't let it bother me...I won't... *Sigh* I don't understand. I'm really conflicted in love and trust. I'm dealing, and it's not as bad as it used to be. I have realized one thing, however; as of late, I'm really, really stressing out. Not just for my own well-being, but for others as well. The security and stability of my future. Whether or not I'll live long enough to have a future at all. My best friend is in night school, afraid he won't be able to walk at graduation. Home isn't exactly what I want it to be lately. Rifts and revelations in friendships. Questioning so many things in my life. Afraid of letting the people that I love down. And my random "love conflicts" at school. I do know that I love my girlfriend, no matter what our issues are. We'll endure anything, and we'll do it together. And I know that I love my best friends T.S., Terrance, Michael, all of them. I'll be here to support them as well, and they'll support me. *Sigh* I'm holding my fucking breath right now, and that's fine. I guess I've always felt that the greater the tension is, the greater the relief will be - if the tension doesn't kill you. And death has been a very prominent thought in my moments of introspection. No clue why. Maybe I'm just wondering how things would operate without me around. Would people have less secrets to keep? Easier to do the things behind my back that would be more difficult, were I still alive? Or just how much better off people here would be without me around. In any case, don't worry about me and my issues. I'm not gonna go off and kill myself or anything, so don't freak. I'll just stay here and stay lost in thoughts until something better comes out of it. And don't bother worrying about me. It's pointless. Laters.

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Friday, September 8, 2006

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Okay, let's go (9:10 P.M. CST)

ob-scu-ri-ty - n. : 1.) Deficiency or absence of light; darkness. 2.) The quality or condition of being imperfectly known or difficult to understand. So, yeah...let's see. I'm gonna do this because I don't have anything else to do. I think I'll invest more time into my Otaku site because I don't have anything else to do. I think I'm going through major withdrawal issues, and it's showing. I hate having any of my issues known to people I didn't share them with, so I'd better get back to my days of concealing. It was rather odd...a few minutes ago, I got off of the phone with my girlfriend, and came upstairs. I feigned interest in plans that I didn't actually have planned. It was rather 'out there' to have my stepdad ask me what I've been doing all day and not have any response whatsoever. Just..."on the phone." I've been doing that a lot lately. What that means, I'm not sure. So maybe I'll preoccupy myself at home so that I don't wait around all night for her to come home after going into town with her friends for the evening. Sickening, no? *sigh* I'm listening to Avenged Sevenfold's "Burn It Down" at the moment...I love this song so much. I think I'll make it the main track on this site when I give it a new layout. Yeah, we'll, I've gotta get going. I guess I really do need to be calling someone right about now who probably needs me more than I need to be typing and thinking about someone else. Laters.

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Sunday, September 3, 2006

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Dealing...(7:08 P.M. CST)

mar'tyr - n. : 1. One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle. 2. One who endures great suffering without complaint to arouse sympathy. That's one of my favorite words. Not for any particular reason...in some cases, I think martyrdom is foolish and prematurely conceived. However, in some cases, it could be the most clever of tactics, if manipulated precisely. Just one of my quick thoughts... In any case, I just thought I'd let people know what's going on in my world at the moment. It's looking more and more like I'll be attending the University of Southern Indiana next fall, which is cool. I'm also intent on applying to IU Bloomington and Manchester College. Whatever works, man. Also, I've been involved in a lot of school activities. The way I see it, with me being a senior, a lot of activities would be really nice-looking to a lot of colleges. So, here's a *general* rundown of how busy I'll be soon: Robotics Team Academic Superbowl Team (English + Fine Arts) Boys' Varsity Tennis Student Council c/o '07 Spell Bowl Team Stage Convo (Jazz Band) Theatre Guild Stage Crew Class Activity Coordinating Assistant Not to mention rebuilding and reforming PARANOIA, and doing my own solo acoustic recordings. That, and focusing on schoolwork and maintaining the few close friends that I do have. It's gonna be one hell of a year, that's for sure. I can say that my classes so far are easy, and I'm actually working ahead in some of them (Econ, Pre-Calculus). I haven't worked ahead in a textbook since my freshman year, so it'll definitely be interesting. Em...what else? Oh, and I'm participating in all of the senior activities. I don't think I'll go to all of the dances...or any, for that matter...but I'm gonna help coordinate them and plan them out. And I'm going to do Senior Ditch Days and go to as many home games as I possibly can. I want to be as close to my friends as possible, because I don't want us to drift apart next year. I already feel as if a lot of people I knew that were seniors last year are 1.) going through major changes, 2) incredibly busy with classes, or 3) have totally moved on, and accepted the fact that even a long-distance friendship has become the inconceivable. *sigh* Oh, well then, eh? I can't force anything upon anyone, and I know who my truest friends are. For that reason, I consider myself to be the not-so-social. I'll smile and wave and speak every once in a while, but either you know everything there is to know about me, or you know close to nothing. I hate to sound so typically "emo" or "goth" or "outcast" or whatever, but I'm being what I really am. I don't like mass numbers of friends - lots of people so large in numbers, you don't even know if you can trust them all or not. Nonetheless, remember all of their names and numbers, haha ^^. In any case, I'm gone now. I think I've written a novel at this point, but if you've read this far, I love you <3. Takes a lot out of you to read the pointless crap I post here, haha. Laters.

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

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Words Like Weapons (8:21 A.M. CST)

So, today's post...let's see... My day was pretty *sigh* sucky, I'd say. I'm really, really tired and exhausted. I've been up for way too long, and I don't feel well at all. I can physically feel me wearing down...and it sucks. I'm gonna have to do something soon. I can't sleep, because if I try and sleep now, the people in my house will find reasons to keep me awake. I just...seriously feel like going totally comatose for a while. That'd save me and a lot of other people a lot of trouble... I've also been doing some heavy thinking today. I guess I think that since I'm killing a lot of free time by thinking so much, maybe that's making me a more logical person. You know, trying to figure out why this and that happens, what preventional measures could have been taken, and how to avoid the same calamities in future experiences. I think a lot...but, yeah. I've been thinking that I have habits and tendencies that clash with my personality as well as my outlook on life that defines the way I live. I guess that I can't really explain this in detail...I wouldn't even if I could, truthfully. I'm only posting this here because no one really reads this, save for the occasional passer-by, Tohma, and my best friend Michael. In any case, I'm just doing a lot of thinking - and I think that I'm finally ready for change. Changes that mean killing a lot of my bad habits. And as they say - "Bad habits die hard." This won't be easy, but I know that a lot of the things I've been doing for the last few weeks...even for most of my high school years...they aren't who I really am. And I never, ever thought I'd say this, but I'm getting sick of concealing details of myself from people, and never letting them get to know everything there is to know about me. I've doubted people for a long time. My faith in mankind was shot long ago, slaughtered and buried. But someone came to me today and said something to me that really opened my eyes... "I don't like being open...it not only sickens me, but it scares the hell out of me. I've been thinking, though, and I've realized something. You're like me, in the sense of solitude. You hate the idea of letting a person in as much as I do, if not, more. But...I'm beginning to think that I trust you, and I would like to tell you everything..." There are people in my life (not many, though) that are vying for my trust. I think it's time that I do what I never wanted to do before - throw caution to the wind and make myself vulnerable to the few that are trying. They're not wasting their time for no reason, I should assume. Every day, they basically plead, in varying fashions, for me to trust them the way that they trust me. Even the ones that don't really trust me - they desire to be trusted by me, and they're apparently trying really hard. I know one of them is going to hurt me, drastically. I'm not sure which one of them it will be, but one of them will scathe me with the disposition of a vicegrip. I do know, however, that the one that does will have lost me forever...without a doubt, they will be completely finished, as far as I'm concerned. And the others will be there to carry me and tend to my emotional wounds. If they're trying so hard for my trust, then I think it's only fair to try for them... ------------------------------------------------------------- "A Quick Little Flight" - Armor For Sleep Now I'm just spacing out again... If I try hard enough, I'll pretend that I'm flying above some trees, and they're smiling and waving at me. With the clouds on my back, I can see all the people down there, fast asleep. Now I see your house far, far below, so I'll fly down to give you a show. Can you see me through your bedroom window? Are you waking up your friends to watch with you? Can you see me at all? Can you see me at all...?

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G'morning, everyone *super stretch*. I'm really tired right now...seriously. I didn't go to sleep until really late last night, because of the telephone >_>; Damned contraption. In any case, I had to get up really early to take my brother, sister, and their friend Andrew to school, and come right back home. Not that I mind, though - the drive itself wasn't bad. Actually, pretty cool. Listening to an old mix CD that a friend made for me had me thinking of old songs that I don't have and really want. Like, essential songs. Let's see...of course, I need Trivium's "Ascendancy," every Dashboard Confessional CD, my super Metallica mix CD (cause "Seek and Destroy" owns you), and all that jazz. However, I didn't put something that I wanted on a disc when I had the chance - my Gensoumaden Saiyuki (or just plain old Saiyuki) OST. *Sigh* I loved that so much, but it got deleted when my mp3 player crashed...so I don't have it anymore. BUT THERE IS A SOLUTION! The place that I downloaded it from - boxtorrents.com - they still have it there, I believe. As with most bittorrents (especially the ones that aren't so popular like FFVII: Advent Children), it's gonna take forever to download. I know it's close to 1GB in size, but I pruned it down to just the songs that I like. But the necessity is a song called "Alone" by Shimokawa Mikuni. That's my favorite song of any anime, ever. I listened to that song every day on the way to school, in school, at work, on the way home...yeah. Love it to hell, man. And now that I think about it, I'll check gendou.com to see if they at least have that single there. Then at least I can survive without the rest of the OST for a little while lol. Let's see... THEY HAVE IT! ^^; Okay, so I'm gonna change it up on the media player. Of course, I'm leaving "Haruka Kanata" up, but I think I'll put up a few of my favorite anime songs. Tell me what you think of it! Laters. -Saint