Sunday, September 3, 2006

Dealing...(7:08 P.M. CST)

Comments (0)
« Home

So, today's post...let's see... My day was pretty *sigh* sucky, I'd say. I'm really, really tired and exhausted. I've been up for way too long, and I don't feel well at all. I can physically feel me wearing down...and it sucks. I'm gonna have to do something soon. I can't sleep, because if I try and sleep now, the people in my house will find reasons to keep me awake. I just...seriously feel like going totally comatose for a while. That'd save me and a lot of other people a lot of trouble... I've also been doing some heavy thinking today. I guess I think that since I'm killing a lot of free time by thinking so much, maybe that's making me a more logical person. You know, trying to figure out why this and that happens, what preventional measures could have been taken, and how to avoid the same calamities in future experiences. I think a lot...but, yeah. I've been thinking that I have habits and tendencies that clash with my personality as well as my outlook on life that defines the way I live. I guess that I can't really explain this in detail...I wouldn't even if I could, truthfully. I'm only posting this here because no one really reads this, save for the occasional passer-by, Tohma, and my best friend Michael. In any case, I'm just doing a lot of thinking - and I think that I'm finally ready for change. Changes that mean killing a lot of my bad habits. And as they say - "Bad habits die hard." This won't be easy, but I know that a lot of the things I've been doing for the last few weeks...even for most of my high school years...they aren't who I really am. And I never, ever thought I'd say this, but I'm getting sick of concealing details of myself from people, and never letting them get to know everything there is to know about me. I've doubted people for a long time. My faith in mankind was shot long ago, slaughtered and buried. But someone came to me today and said something to me that really opened my eyes... "I don't like being open...it not only sickens me, but it scares the hell out of me. I've been thinking, though, and I've realized something. You're like me, in the sense of solitude. You hate the idea of letting a person in as much as I do, if not, more. But...I'm beginning to think that I trust you, and I would like to tell you everything..." There are people in my life (not many, though) that are vying for my trust. I think it's time that I do what I never wanted to do before - throw caution to the wind and make myself vulnerable to the few that are trying. They're not wasting their time for no reason, I should assume. Every day, they basically plead, in varying fashions, for me to trust them the way that they trust me. Even the ones that don't really trust me - they desire to be trusted by me, and they're apparently trying really hard. I know one of them is going to hurt me, drastically. I'm not sure which one of them it will be, but one of them will scathe me with the disposition of a vicegrip. I do know, however, that the one that does will have lost me forever...without a doubt, they will be completely finished, as far as I'm concerned. And the others will be there to carry me and tend to my emotional wounds. If they're trying so hard for my trust, then I think it's only fair to try for them... ------------------------------------------------------------- "A Quick Little Flight" - Armor For Sleep Now I'm just spacing out again... If I try hard enough, I'll pretend that I'm flying above some trees, and they're smiling and waving at me. With the clouds on my back, I can see all the people down there, fast asleep. Now I see your house far, far below, so I'll fly down to give you a show. Can you see me through your bedroom window? Are you waking up your friends to watch with you? Can you see me at all? Can you see me at all...?