Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Don't look at me like that
You don't have to comment

You don't have to even read this


I just need some place to rant

That's all.




I can't sleep. It's... 3:34 AM. Cant sleep. My mom went to jail today. I don't know why. Do I want to know..? I don't know if it bothers me. I suppose it does... considering I'm ranting. Why should I care?
she's only my mother, right?

I usually cry over everything. From sailor moon episodes to real dramatic things that happen in life. But I havent cried much lately. I didnt cry over this. I'm forcing myself not to. I don't have a reason to cry, anyways. Crying will only hold me down in my own misery. I don't need that. I need to be strong.

It bothers me.

If people were to ask

"where's your mom?"

what am I supposed to say?
I wish I could say something to be proud of.
But I can't.
My mom did something stupid, childish, immature, pathetic... I could go on and on and she deserves to be in jail.
But I wish she wasn't.

I wish I actually had a family.
I wish I had a loving father
and a mother who actually cared about something or someone more than drugs and herself.
I wish that I could be with siblings. Dominic, Raven, Michael, Nicholas. And my older sister who's kinda distant, Holly.


I wish we could just sit around and do nothing but hug eachother and laugh. I would treasure it so much. I still do.. what little bits and pieces I have.

Like my mom's perfume and how she laughed and hugged me and stuff.

It's been almost a year since I ran away from her.

The fact that she had been put into jail for the 2nd time this month... it really bothered me.

Well.
Dunno.
What's a better answer to the question "Where's your mom?"
-She's homeless
or
-She's in jail
?

That bothered me today
What bothered me the last hour was my brother.

Nicholas.
When I asked myself "how old is Nicholas now...?" and I didn't know the answer... I knew there was something wrong. I think he's 3... but I don't know. We gave him up for adoption when he was just a few months old.

I think he went back to live with his family, though. And they're less than 20 miles away.

But I haven't seen him since.

I never held him.

I was scared that I would get too attached. It was probably the first time I had ever been somewhat cold. I guess, it being about 3 years ago.. I guess I was 12.
From the time he was born, it was just an "eh."

Even when my mom left to go have the baby at 4 AM, I just got up, tossed my mom her socks and probably made a face like ":/" and went back to sleep, slamming the door behind me.

I stayed as far away as possible from it.
Yeah. It.

My brother.
Nicholas.

It stared at me a lot. I didn't like that. I don't remember what he looked like. He was only a baby. I heard that he looked like my mother. The first kid to actually look like her. I guess he would have black curly hair... -shrug-

I love my siblings.
I love 5 year Michael that endured the past few years and troubles with my mom. I looked after him, even though I was pretty strict with him. He recently got taken away. He only visits on the weekends now.

Dominic and Raven, twins, age 8 and a half. I havent seen them since they has just turned 7. a year and a half ago. I remember when I was 8 and a half. That's when I first became aware of how messed up my mom was. the twins were only 2 years old. They got taken away to Oklahoma, 1300 miles away, when they were 5. I was 12.

I loved them so bad. I wanted to protect them so bad. but they got taken away. With Nicholas... I never even tried. I wanna hug Dominic and Raven so bad... Michael's visiting in the other room. He's sleeping. I'll hug him tomorrow. But...

I never once held Nicholas.

And now I really want to.

He's my brother. He's my family My family... it's such a broken up puzzle. It'll never go back together to create a perfect picture... but I have to find the pieces that I can and put them together to at least, create something. I wanted to huggle and huggle and huggle Nicholas so bad when I thought about him right now.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to?

When he's older.. will he even know he has a sister?

Will the twins forget me... or hate me?

What about Michael, now? He's drifting further away.

There's my grandma. Then me.

That's about it.

And my grandma's really fallin' apart.
I really wonder how things will work out.

Maybe the puzzle pieces were never made to fit?
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Attack of the fouuuurs!
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-sneezes-


Back home~!

X_X 4 hours later! We got lost so bad! My apartment is fine, thank goodness :3

O.o; I heard my county's schools were closed "indefinetly" due to several schools being destroyed...?

Hm...


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Going home today~!!

School tomorrow.o.o;

It's a two hour drive home, but we're expecting more traffic from the people going back home after evacuations.

I wonder what Cocoa beach looks like now...?

x_X; Aah, my town... I you. Don't fall apart.


-yawn-


Finally. I can draw more fanart when I get home! ^^;If I can still work with the mouse, that is..
Eee... I hope my computer is okay..;-;...
It should be... hrm..

Yesterday I went shopping.o.o; Bought two shirts and a pair of olive colored pants with zippers all over them. And a black and white shirt and a grey and pink shirt.
o.o; and then I bought two books on feng shui.

So... I'll probably read my ninja book on the way home (Art of mastering the mind ^_~) or my new feng shui books..

Nyaa~! I might update when i get back home.
Byebye!!!

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Monday, September 27, 2004

What my 5 yr old brother said to the kid next door
"This is my sister nicole. She likes japanese... and she read japanese... and makes japanese english. Well... she tries to. I keep telling her to not go to Japan"
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-_-; They're deciding if I have school tomorrow.
>_< PLEASE NO SCHOOOOOOOOOOL!

-spazu-

-dies-

Ga-aah..

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Sunday, September 26, 2004

   My nightmare last night
I had a nightmare last night. This is it.


I remember that two people were with me. And the people around us... we decided to kill.

I had a ballpoint pen.. and it was uber-sharp. O_O and I killed people with it!!! I would run like Kenshin (Battousai! :O!) down the road and just slash people's throats as I went along. 20 people would just fall over dead behind me. They didn't do anything wrong. They were just there.

I would walk down the streets and I walked into an anime-convention-type place. I walked into a movie theatre and killed every single person in every row. then when me and the other two people walked out, I reminded them to stay calm and no one would notice. And no one did.

We walked along.. and we were nice to some people.. like picking something up for one person. but we did michievious things as well. We tricked this one group of friends who liked to play anime trading card games. They were all friends and they believed us to be friends, but all we said were lies and in the end we got them to turn against eachother.

We were sitting down and reading the newspaper and all over the headlines was about these massive massacres that I and the two friends with me had caused. Hundreds and hundreds were dead. I read the names outloud and laughed.

I remember, one friend with me was a boy with dark long hair, so we called him "Dark" (Think D.N.Angel, ROFL). My other friend was quite innoncent... but she shape-shifted and I used that to my advantage. Her name was Chidori.

Dark started to get lost in the crowd at one point but I grabbed his wrist and yelled at him for wandering off and telling him how careless he was being.

But I got careless, too. Too cocky, maybe. We went on another killing spree with my .7mm ballpoint pen (XD This is the pen I use to draw pics IRL,lol,weird). But this time I only cut half way into some people.. some died.. and some didn't. My mistake. One was a short haired lady that was young-ish with brown hair.

After so, we all headed for the beach. We were sitting on a playground on the beach, Dark, Chidori and I. We were just sitting, talking and hanging out and such. Then we saw a bunch of vehicles pull up and that short-brown-haired lady stepped out and approached us. She told us we were wanted for murder and stuff. I laughed and told her that she was crazy and didn't know what she was talking about.

"We're just sitting here and hanging out. What are you talking about?" I lied.

She then showed us the bloody cut on the side of her neck. A guy came out of the car and said he wanted to fight me.

We fought and I got cut in the shoulder, my cheek, and on my leg. It hurt. and I got scared. I dropped to my knees and begged them to spare Chidori, but they wouldn't. I kept thinking in my mind how I'd go to jail forever and be killed.. and I wished so badly how I could take it back and I begged in my mind that this would only be a dream.

Then I woke up.
And I sighed a sigh of relief.
x_x;
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:O The hurricane is happening as I speak!!

yeah. It's beating up against the house like crazy... o_o;; sounds like the house is shaking and growling..
weird.

o_o Thank you for your support, everyone! o_o/)

>>;; I'll live.


...o_o Maybe.


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Saturday, September 25, 2004

'~'? nyaaaa? -sigh-
So... I'm evacuated now. o_o -nodnod-

and... Im on the other side of Florida-ish.. -nodnod-

in a town...
that has...
nothing
but...
over
50,000...
OLD PEOPLE

-spazu-

X_X Im in old peeps land~! nyaa!

nii. ^^ two of my greetings have been accepted.. look at them down at the bottom. o.o;; they're Rurouni Kenshin. ^^; For fun. Pretty stupid, really, but, ehh. XD Who cares.

o_o Did you know I had a new fanart up? It's depressing-ish o_o;;;
Rate it if you can.

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Friday, September 24, 2004

=_= I gotta evacuate for Hurricane Jeanne. x_X See you... maybe tomorrow ftom my other grandma's comp on the other side of Florida..I'll still try to update and such.

-heart-
-Sakura.
I sent in greetings yesterday. They should be up soon. o.o

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