Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Don't look at me like that
You don't have to comment

You don't have to even read this


I just need some place to rant

That's all.




I can't sleep. It's... 3:34 AM. Cant sleep. My mom went to jail today. I don't know why. Do I want to know..? I don't know if it bothers me. I suppose it does... considering I'm ranting. Why should I care?
she's only my mother, right?

I usually cry over everything. From sailor moon episodes to real dramatic things that happen in life. But I havent cried much lately. I didnt cry over this. I'm forcing myself not to. I don't have a reason to cry, anyways. Crying will only hold me down in my own misery. I don't need that. I need to be strong.

It bothers me.

If people were to ask

"where's your mom?"

what am I supposed to say?
I wish I could say something to be proud of.
But I can't.
My mom did something stupid, childish, immature, pathetic... I could go on and on and she deserves to be in jail.
But I wish she wasn't.

I wish I actually had a family.
I wish I had a loving father
and a mother who actually cared about something or someone more than drugs and herself.
I wish that I could be with siblings. Dominic, Raven, Michael, Nicholas. And my older sister who's kinda distant, Holly.


I wish we could just sit around and do nothing but hug eachother and laugh. I would treasure it so much. I still do.. what little bits and pieces I have.

Like my mom's perfume and how she laughed and hugged me and stuff.

It's been almost a year since I ran away from her.

The fact that she had been put into jail for the 2nd time this month... it really bothered me.

Well.
Dunno.
What's a better answer to the question "Where's your mom?"
-She's homeless
or
-She's in jail
?

That bothered me today
What bothered me the last hour was my brother.

Nicholas.
When I asked myself "how old is Nicholas now...?" and I didn't know the answer... I knew there was something wrong. I think he's 3... but I don't know. We gave him up for adoption when he was just a few months old.

I think he went back to live with his family, though. And they're less than 20 miles away.

But I haven't seen him since.

I never held him.

I was scared that I would get too attached. It was probably the first time I had ever been somewhat cold. I guess, it being about 3 years ago.. I guess I was 12.
From the time he was born, it was just an "eh."

Even when my mom left to go have the baby at 4 AM, I just got up, tossed my mom her socks and probably made a face like ":/" and went back to sleep, slamming the door behind me.

I stayed as far away as possible from it.
Yeah. It.

My brother.
Nicholas.

It stared at me a lot. I didn't like that. I don't remember what he looked like. He was only a baby. I heard that he looked like my mother. The first kid to actually look like her. I guess he would have black curly hair... -shrug-

I love my siblings.
I love 5 year Michael that endured the past few years and troubles with my mom. I looked after him, even though I was pretty strict with him. He recently got taken away. He only visits on the weekends now.

Dominic and Raven, twins, age 8 and a half. I havent seen them since they has just turned 7. a year and a half ago. I remember when I was 8 and a half. That's when I first became aware of how messed up my mom was. the twins were only 2 years old. They got taken away to Oklahoma, 1300 miles away, when they were 5. I was 12.

I loved them so bad. I wanted to protect them so bad. but they got taken away. With Nicholas... I never even tried. I wanna hug Dominic and Raven so bad... Michael's visiting in the other room. He's sleeping. I'll hug him tomorrow. But...

I never once held Nicholas.

And now I really want to.

He's my brother. He's my family My family... it's such a broken up puzzle. It'll never go back together to create a perfect picture... but I have to find the pieces that I can and put them together to at least, create something. I wanted to huggle and huggle and huggle Nicholas so bad when I thought about him right now.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to?

When he's older.. will he even know he has a sister?

Will the twins forget me... or hate me?

What about Michael, now? He's drifting further away.

There's my grandma. Then me.

That's about it.

And my grandma's really fallin' apart.
I really wonder how things will work out.

Maybe the puzzle pieces were never made to fit?
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