Wednesday, April 7, 2004

   No clue. Subject.
I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm insane. Nah, I know I'm insane. I just hate it when everyone else knows it...

I've got to get a hold of myself. I thought things were getting better. I have food to eat. I have clean clothes to wear. I have things. Mine. Not my mother's. So, I thought that this was.. this was... i don't know what this was. i thought things would improve, me living with my grandma. I think they have. I've escaped my mother.

But I can't escape myself.

I'm terrified. Scared. A lot. I haven't cut myself badly in over 4 months. I thought my depression was over. i think it is. This is different... I don't know what my mind, or my body is doing. But it's... messing up. I've been violent lately... crazy.

I tried to kill my brother.

He's 4. He kept singing little... 'mean' things and his voice just angered me. That tone of his made me snap. I turned around and grabbed his neck. And I squeezed. Then I let go and pushed him aside, horrified with myself. He screamed and ran to my grandma. I said "He's faking it, I barely touched him!" What was I supposed to say? My brother was fine. But now I'm remembering of when I sent him to the ER.
Almost two years ago, I accidently pushed him into a wooden rocking chair. i remember laughing and asking if he was okay. His hands covered his face. Blood poured out from between his fingers. It was just his forehead.

My brother's being weird. he can't walk. He's trying to, but his leg keeps hurting him. I'm feeling really guilty. I haven't slept much lately. or eaten.

Back to anorexia..

Yeah. I used to be anorexic, somewhat. It was because of my ADHD medicine. But now, it's just out of control. i dressed out in gym today and when i sat down on the gym floor, I saw my arms and legs, covered in bruises. My skin's color is going out of whack too. I'm not getting enough vitamins. It hurts to even type.

And my heart. I know I'm supposd to go to the doctors. but I'm scared. What if he finds out about my heart through the blood test or something? My heart/chest hurts very very often. Sometimes, I can't even breathe. Ohoho. And it HURTS. A quick stab-like pain sometimes which usually stops me dead in my tracks and it causes attention. I hate that. I dont want people to know whats wrong with me, but here I am, typing away. There's also a squeezing type of pain. Its slow. But thats the kind that makes it hard to breathe. Like something is just slowly wrapping around me, tightening, clenching...
I'm scared to go to the doctors. I'm hoping that its nothing. Though I doubt it.

It seems as though I don't ever get peace. It always hurts. Somehow. At school, people throw paperballs and little things and talk about me even when I can hear them perfectly clear because they're right behind me. Or next to me. I'm surrounded by them, by the people who just... really bring me down.
At home, I'm tired by then. I don't want to eat or sleep. I just want to sit here. And stare into a glowy box in my dark little room.. until 5 AM. in which then i go to sleep. Or something..If I sleep, I almost always have nightmares. the other night I had a dream that I stabbed myself, right in my chest. It was detailed. Its so scary.

My mind. I... almost hate my mind. It plays the cruelest tricks imaginable. Replays horrible memories over and over, my overactive imaginations paints bloody pictures in my mind. Horrible, horrible stuff. Especially... the part of me who grins when I suffer.

I was being lectured online about my health... and i told him I didn't feel like eating or sleeping. He asked if I felt like dying. Something clicked. I sunk into a sad state. A crazy insane state of mind. Yeah. Now I wanted to die. There would be no more stupid kids at school, haunting memories, nagging grandmother, or health problems. Because it hurt. I was tired of being hurt. I just wanted to rest. I wanted to go to sleep and sleep forever. To die, I guess.

I wanted to die. I was planning to, I think.

I stepped back away from the computer and layed down in bed. I thought of ways to die. Imaging myself sitting on the kitchen tile floor with a knife, holding it to my wrist, looking away, closing my eyes and bring the knife quickly across my wrist. then blood would come out and I'd fall back on the tile floor and lie there. Watch things go blurry and fade away, just... falling asleep forever...

I was scared to though. The person who was lecturing me, of course, was panicking I think. A friend of his IM'd me. I sat and watched, eyes glued to my computer screen. I was scared to move. to walk into the kitchen and kill myself. Scared.. really scared. but, I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to suffer. Something inside me made me type out mean and nasty things to the people I love.

My chest was hurting. My legs were hurting, my arms hurt. I was just, in pain all over. It made me wantto rush into the kitchen, but I didn't. I just... didn't. I looked over to my buddylist. I saw many screenames. The majority close friends that have known me for around a year. the ones I came sobbing to. I wasn't crying this time. which surprised me. I always cry. I cried when Ash tried to leave Pikachu and I cry when I read friendship emails. I wasn't crying. One screename stuck out.

It was Mitch.

I instant messaged him. "Hi Mitch..."
"Hi." He said. "Want to know something stupid?" "Hm?" "I want to kill myself. But I'm too (too something. I forget. Either lazy or scared)" he said "heh." I said a few more things and then he logged off without warning. My jaw dropped. I didn't want help from my normal friends. I just wanted to... talk to someon new. Besides, Mitch is so smart. But now I was alone. By then, I hurt all over. I instant messaged another friend and talked to her. She was cheerful. I just didn't want to bring her down, so I was cheerful back. She cheered me up.

Then my friend, Von sent these friendship emails. She usually never sends stuff. Earlier we had talked about being friends. I guess thats why she sent them. They made me cry. It was a good cry, though. I went to these anime forums... there was a topic where you say one nice thing about the person you posted something above you. I said something nice about the person above me. Then someone said something nice about me. And I complimented them, and I got a compliment back. It was really nice. I had remembered also, an email survey that said "Say something nice about the person who sent this" And.. people had some nice things to say about me. I really cherished that. It cheered me up. I ate an ice cream. sakura is all better.

for now.


When will I freak out and slip into a death-like depression again? Will I die from not eating and sleeping? Or from my heart? Or from a sharp pointy object.. Nah. Mitch told me not to die. A lot of people did. I guess I have to listen. Someday, when I've got my mind straightened out, I'll do something in return to everyone. Someday, somehow.

i wonder who read this. Probably no one. But if anyone did, they would probably think me as a pathetic person. I'm trying not to be. It's hard though. To try to stand when you're constantly being pushed down. You just want to give up sometimes. but I cant. Not yet. I have junk to do. I guess I better take care of my health, too and soon. Eat more/sleep more, I guess. But I have to do some homework. -sigh- My chest hurts from stress, but...

I'm sure everything will be alright. And... Woohoo! I'm going to the JACON for my birthday. Anime convention. yeah. Whooooo.

I'm lost. Floating around in my own mind. I start to think things, but they crash into other thoughts and I become confused too easily. Ack. Well. Two more days of school. Alreadty. -yawn; falls over- Nighty, niiight. Ah, homework. Grrrr.
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