Wednesday, April 14, 2004

o_O; Wednesday.
Interim report:

Science: C [WHAT!? yesterday it said I had a D! Someone must have smacked my science teacher XD; ]
Personal Fitness: F. Bleh. I dress out, do my work [sometimes], but its hard for me to keep up, I get tired too fast and then I
cant breathe. I need to get my grandma to write my coach a letter 'er something.
Algebra: A! Woah! WhAT!? Insane. Last term it was an F :X
English: A high D. But its actually a C or a B.
Tech studies: My highest grade. 92.0. That's an A. My technology teacher is crazy. He walks right up to my drawing sketchpad and tries to look in it! I turned around in the rolley chair and smacked down the sketchbook cover and slid it into my backpack. He said, "Let me see" And I was like "o_O;;;;;; NO!" Dur. Stupid person.
History: a D. but its actually a C. :/ So, I did "average" I think. Good enough, though I gotta pull my grades up in a few weeks before school ends to make sure I dont fail from an F or two, or three from last quarter.

Hm, so, yeah.. Ah, I learned something new today. I'm dense. Like, incredibly dense. Like, the total obvious things dont even phase me. Well, I realized that quite some time ago, its just that I feel,um, extra-clueless today? Some people have crushes on me, okay? Like, my friends, some online, some real life. Like, they've liked me for a long time and EVERYBODY would know except me. That happens to quite a few people, but, isnt it usually easier to see when its happening to someone else? Nope, I cant even see it then. Like in this one manga: Alice 19th. I came running in the library this morning and told my friends, "Kyou from Alice 19th is in love with Alice! Kyou loves Alice! Omg, whoohoo!" And my friends were like, "Duh. We've known that since, like, the beginning of the series." And I was like, "o_o; Oh." And they're like, "XP Jeez, Sakura, you're slow!" xD Hehe.

But then, during a lot of my classes, some popular people are talking or something and all of a sudden Deb will jump up and storm over to them and yell at them for doing or saying something about me. I go "Huh? Wha? Why are you mad at them? What'd they do?" And she goes "Ah.. Nothing." But I know its something about me, coz I heard my name in the conversation and people pointing at me and looking over at me. And that happens pretty often, and I'll ask Deb, "Huh? Wha?" And she's always say "Nothing, Sakura-Chan, it's nothing."

I guess I've learned that usually, when someone says "nothing", it's covering up for something bad. It's a lie because its obviously something.About me. Something bad about me. So, since I'm constantly hearing the word "nothing",I guess it means something's constantly going on behind my back. Something bad. And that means that someone's purposely trying to hurt me, right?

I sound like a little kid when I say that. People are like, "DUH, SAKURA." But it's coz I'm dense and slow and naive, I guess. I mean, Jeez, I'm almost 15, but I'm so oblivious to everything like a 5 year old. It's odd. But, there's something that makes me want to act dumb. To pretend to be clueless. coz then I'll just block out whatever bad I heard and pretend like I didnt ever hear in the first place. I'm stuck between if I'm really actually THAT clueless or if I'm acting it. Coz I know that I act stupid in a lot of situations, but... Maybe I have a really simple mind, so that when I try to trick other people into thinking "Its okay" or "I'm happy, not hurt, I dont have a clue" I end up tricking myself in the process.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry, that lastlittle rant was just a bunch of incoherentmumblings. I haven't a clue to why I typed it, I just feel comfortable when I'm able to immediatly type out how I feel or what I think. It's just I end up typing before I can finish what I'm thinking, so I end up confusing myself and... See? Doing it again. So don't stress over not being able to understand a single word I'm saying. Just typing without a plan. I think. Hm.

Edit: Ack. I've typed a lot when I didn't mean to. Hm. I have that stupid feeling of... "?"-ness. I don't feel content. I don't feel right. Something's missing. I need to be doing... something. Hmm.
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