Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Where are we?
So lost and alone,
where are we?

Why can't you take me into your bed?
Hold me close, never let go.
My eyes are crying I can no longer see.
The love I feel has so far blinded me.

I can't be expected to remember your eyes.
I can't be expected to forget all the lies.
Why do we fight and we are we so afraid?
Where is our trust and why does it fade?

Touch me hard and kiss my cheek.
Oh love, my darling love.
Why must we never speak?

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Friday, August 3, 2007

bleeep//
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Monday, May 14, 2007

Just take it all dont break it. Please dont make it slip. I took your mind you soul from time and hoped you remembered this. You asked me not to scream, you asked me not to cry. We took the trip again and fell into the sky. We can live like this any longer i said. I can't live like this forever.

Just as we open the shades to greet the day. We open our hearts the same way. Can't you just hold me closer for a little bit longer. Can't you take me in and make me feel at home.

Where i never belonged, there in your arms.
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There I was standing on the edge of infinity.

There I was waiting to fall into the abyss of imagination.

There I was ready to let go of reality

Of the black and white of the world I'd lived in.

And I was searching to the end.



They always said, everything only needs time.

I was waiting for the end.

They always said, time will heal all those wounds.

I was waiting for the end.

It began to rain inside my abyss.

And the skies cried and they screamed in anguish.

In my abyss there was no peace.

And I could feel myself slipping off the edge of infinity.


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In my dreams she haunts me and tells what to say. In my mind she keeps me just the same way. I dream of him and she and they always telling me what to do and say. I'm dreaming so silently now I cant take it now. The sun, the sun, beautiful yellow sun he's yelling at me to open up my eyes. He yelling he's screaming, Oh dear child, what happened to your life you seem so blue. I nod at him and pretend that all is well, the smile on my face makes it all seem well. I'm not waiting I'm waiting for the day. I'm listening and waiting I'm here to stay. She told me we must go, she said its time to leave the world is ending now she says just you and me. I remember her lips and I remember her smile. Now its gone I tell her good bye. Without a word without a smile a flick of the hand passing all the while. Quiet and unsure I say hello. I keep my mouth closed.

Spare not a word, just a silent piercing stare I get nervous and I cant help but to stare. My throat gets tight and I don't know what to say the silence it seems has now gone away. He left like he came without a single word. Without a step without a sound without a blur. I'm tired I say, why wont you let me be. I cry all night trying hard not to think. Its growing bigger. I try not to think of it. No use she tells me. Ill be here forever. I tell her I love her. I tell her a lie. I'm leaving I say. Maybe just for awhile. Maybe its forever. Step one. step two. Cant strip this pain from my mind. I still, still don't understand. Was it just a night or something that would last. She screams she screams in my eyes I can still see the lovely girl that I once could see. Then all is quiet and I can almost see the end of the tunnel I reach out to grasp the wall. But it was gone.
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Friday, June 23, 2006

“It’s like clockwork you see,” says the man with a gleam in his stare.

“Strike midnight, you loose all memory. An hour later you loose function of you fingers and hands, 2 and you’ll be unsure of even who you are. When come 4 you’ll forget where your are who you are where you’ve been and why you’re here. Then comes the tricky part..” he says sticking another needle into my vein.

Looking into a vial of green liquid he says, “Yes that the hard part you see, then you’ll become difficult and hard to handle. You might fight back against the toxins that are now flowing through your bloodstream. Cause you see…people don’t want to forget that any of that. Because it makes them easy and malleable. You don’t want that do you?”

I just stare at him. He gives me a pat on the cheek. “Of course not!” he says smiling.

"Ahh..I see the first stage is kicking in."

I began to cry and wonder and think and then like a dream...it was gone.


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Monday, June 12, 2006

Saturday Morning Noon and Night.
This morning I woke up in a house I did not recognize with people all around that I did not know.

I thought about the night before and why sdo I do this shit. And why don't I just stop be myself. Can't help it. I thought. I'm already caught in this web, this net, I've put myself in.

Sometimes I disgust myself. Everyone else was still asleep. I went to the living room, got my stuff whatever I brought and left. Never to come back again, I hope.

I was walking home, hoping to get a ride from somebody but I never get that lucky. So I just walked the whole way thinking about my life and what my purpose is and why I do these things I do. Then I looked at the traffic light and thought for a second and decided that it wouldn't matter anyway. I'll just do it again and again. Stll doing the same thing. Because maybe I don't care where I'm going to.

But maybe I do. And someone ran passed me and said hello and smiled at me. I waved at him but I don't think he saw. He was far off then. I kept walking. I wondered if I'd get home before anyone woke up.

I finally got home my dad was awake. He asked me where I had been and what I was doing. And why I was out that late at night and why I do stupid shit like this and make him worry about me.

I dunno I said.

He looked at me for a second and told my sister to get the paddle and he beat the shit out of me. Probably hoping I'd learn my lesson. Praying that maybe he won't have to worry about me. Thinking maybe he can be proud of me for once in his life.

Once he thought he had done his job, he told me to go to my room. And I went teary eyed sort of limping from the pain in my legs and back.

I lay on my bed, thinking. Just thinking. About nothing and everything at the same time. I got up and turned on some music, Bruce Springsteen blasting through my mind, I couldn't help but to cry.

My sister came in and tapped me on my shoulder and told me that my dad wanted me to go do my chores and a lot of other things. So I got up and did all that. Hoping maybe I wouldn't have to look at him and maybe he wouldn't have to see me. Hoping that maybe he wasn't there and that he left to do some things with my mom.

I have shit luck. But he was leaving. With my mom. To the store. They said we're doing my brothers birthday today.

They left. And my dad gave me that sneering look and told me not to turn on the computer, to listen to music or do anything. I didn't deserve to. I never listen to him though. He knows that too. So I put on some music anyway. Loud and proud. I hate myself sometimes. But I can't deal without it. I cleaned up everything I was supposed to. And did all the work I had been told to. So I went to my room and listened to the sounds some more.

Sometimes I think this music rules my life I thought. I looked out the window and saw the light, the birds, and trees and flowers and all the clouds, the simple beauty of the world that I somehow missed this morning. I thought maybe I should go outside.

It was bright and warm the grass felt so cool against my back and feet. I looked at the little purple cottonball flowers and all the touch-me-nots.

My dad got home and asked me if I finished my stuff.

I said yes and we went inside to find everything a mess again. Those fucking kids, I thought.

He told me to get everything out of the car and I did. They got my little brother cake with McQueen on it, from that new movie Cars. They went to see it last night. I didn't go. They got him lots of toys too. And all sorts of cool stuff that little boys like to play with.

I took them to my mothers room and she got to wrapping them up.

My brothers were running around all happy cause they knew they were getting cake.

It was kind of funny. I sat around and watched television for a minute got bored and went to help my mom.

She told me how upset my dad was with me. And that I'd be lucky to ever go out again. And that she was disapponted in me too.

I thought of a bunch of things I could be disappointed in them. But I just looked at her and nodded as I taped together the paper.

Finally we finished and he opened them all, he was really happy with everyting he got and then we had the cake, we sang and did all the normal things people do at parties.

After we finished all that I went to my room. Kind of feeling a little weird. Like I couldn't feel all of this. It's my brothers birthday I thought I should be happy for him. I should be smiling and laughing. And having fun like everyone else...but I'm not.

And I looked out the window at the night sky and fell asleep.

Laterdaise everyone.

Sorry It's so long.

peace.
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Thursday, June 8, 2006

Well, guess what!?

Thats right Sameji is back. Again and hopefully for good this time.

Sorry I've been so reclusive lately. I've been super busy with school and life. As you may be able to tell.

Alittle on my life. It's summer now, I think I passed 10th grade. I'm not too sure my grades this year weren't exactly...the best.

That boy, my love, Seth, that I've been probably talking about a lot in my writing is moving soon. Right now he's in Arizona and I almost never get to see him anyway. I'm not even sure he misses me. But the thought is depressing and I try not to think of it. A friend of mine has fallen in love with him too. And I'm afraid he might be falling for her too. I don't know. I'm such an envious little girl.

Life is easy right now other than all of that. We're painting the house..it's grey and pink and blue. My mother is crazy. Heheh.

I got back from the beach like a week ago. It was nice. And I got a hair cut its real short now. Heh.

My brother says I look like that chick from Fight Club. And my dad says I look like Ragedy Ann. :\

Oh well, I like it. Much easier to take care of.

I'm dieting and trying my best to loose some weight I hope to weigh about 120 by the end of the summer no promising that though. Do you all know any foods or got any tips for me?

Well, Right now almost no one has updated so tomorrow I shall be sure to get on a bit earlier and check out ya'll sites and see what you've been doing. And I'm cleaning out all my friendslist. Cause like half of you all never visit anyway. And I don't blame you. I just really don't like having so many friends anyway.

peace out.
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

This morning I woke up feeling dead. I couldn’t move or sleep or think or talk. I guess I was just in that instance between being awake and asleep, conscious and unconscious, dead or alive. In time I could feel myself waking up or maybe I was falling asleep. I dreamed of rainbows and oranges in trees. I dreamed the color yellow if only I could. I felt it fading way as I knew it would. But the dream ended. And I woke up. Finally I thought. My sister was in my room playing her little video games.

Good Morning, I said.

Good Morning Brittne. Want some Kool-Aid.

No it’s okay Hun and I walked to the living room.

This house is a mess. I wish these people would clean after themselves. My dad was asleep on the couch in his underwear dreaming of life and love and everything close to him. I walked to the kitchen and bag of ice was half melted in the sink. What a waste I thought.

I started to boil some water for my early morning tea and started thinking. About everything. My worries, my troubles, my friends and those I loved, about Seth and Brenda. They’re gone now I thought pushing the thought out of my head. I miss them so much.

Some of the boiling water hit my face awakening me, and I said to myself nothing ever really turns out the way I wanted.

But that’s okay. Soon I’ll be gone just like everyone else.

Today my momma took me to the mall to get my hair cut. I was happy to get out but I never know what to do there. It’s always so awkward those social situations. And then I wish I could just speak my mind like everybody else.

I ooked in the mirror and tried to find a good side. I decided I should dye it blonde then I could look just like Marilyn. Them mother took us to Wal-Mart and then home.

We’re painting the house. It’s an awful grey color. So I went outside and started working. The sun was very high in the sky. I tried to say Hello but he didn’t hear me. The birds made strange noises and I tried to make them too. But the birds just looked at me and flew away cackling as if to tell me something. But I didn’t know what they were trying to say. So I got back to work. Painting the house is fun but my dad said that I have to clean it first. I scrubbed really hard to get all that mildew and icky stuff off of it. When I was done I looked at it and was proud of my hard work. It looked really nice.

Then we waited for the house to dry and sat in the grass. Little bugs kept biting me and told me that I was sitting on their house and to get off cause they need to get inside and feed their children.

I said sorry and moved over a little and watched them go inside their little hole.

We painted the house and I went inside.

Ring ring the phone said.

I told him not right now.

Ring ring ring.

No!

Ring ring…Hello. No one is here at the moment leave a message, BEEEP!

Shut up I said. Then it was quiet.

RING RING RIIIIINNG!

FINE! I yelled. Hello I said.

Hello, Is Brittne there?

It’s April I thought. Say no say no say no. You’re not here you’re busy go away April leave me alone.-Yeah it’s me.

Heeeyyy…

Yea. What do you want?

When are you gonna pick me up tomorrow?

I don’t know just be ready.

After twenty minutes of talking about nothing. I couldn’t take it anymore and hung up.

I went outside. And light up a cigarette. I felt the cold tingling go down my throat soon after followed by a surge of heat and fire.

I looked at the sky and saw the clouds moving slowly like boat drifting in the sea. And found an ocean and a lake and a mountain and a volcano and a tornado and buildings and people and cars and trucks with their loud horns and burning smoke filling my world. I took another long drag and got up and went for a walk. My throat got tight.

I saw some kids and they just stared at me as they walked or ran or rode past on bikes scooters and skates. I miss those days I thought to myself. It started to get dark and I told the sun good night and he said sweet dreams. And I smiled. Thinking of all the good things that could happen tonight.

I walked home in the dark the houses always look so funny at night some are tall and thin some are round and some have lots of windows while others have none. I got home and walked inside.

My dad wasn’t there my mom neither. My sisters told me they were hungry so I tried to find something for them to eat.

Nothing.

So went to lie down in my room but my brother was playing. He kept telling me about the bear and the bird and how far he’s gotten and how cool the game is and those little eggs and he told me I looked nice and that I should go buy him a bunny so he can play with it tomorrow or a turtle so he can take it to the shore with us tomorrow.

I told him we already had a turtle and he told me it was dead.

I need to get packed I thought. I started looking for some clothes.

I turned on some tunes and got distracted and started dancing. And I thought of Seth. Of how much I miss him and why am I listening to this. He gave it to me. I should get rid of it. It only makes me remember. But then I told myself it’s better not to forget.

“I want to hold you close softbreasts, beating heart. As I whisper in your ear I want to f*cking tear you apart…”

My mind started racing and I could see I fell to the ground and went to sleep.

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Thursday, May 4, 2006

Sweet Dreams
I cant comprehend exactly what Im feeling. All these emotions have me so distraught. Where are you now? When I need you the most. Where are you now? When youre all I want. Where are you when I have nothing else. Maybe its destiny. Maybe Its fate.

Lets end it here with this rose and with this chain. I give you my heart take away the blame. I know there is a lot of pain in the world. I know there isnt much left that I can really do to change your mind.

Into an others company do you drink your wine. Its not the same I say to myself, as I sit alone here in the dark. I feel cold when I look into your eyes. I know then it will never be the same again. I just want to shrivel up and die. As I feel all my dreams crash into the wall. Paused for a second, but I know it will move on.

You know I can live without you. I just never thoughtit would happen so soon.

But I want you to know, I still love you. Like the big sister I never had.

Bang bang.


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