Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A lad walks before me. I yell loudly in my mind,Who goes there? And he says nothing. He just stands there and smiles and says, Hello. And I stand speechless. What was this? A new sight before me. What did he want? What was his purpose? He was like a wall of flowers. So pretty and soft yet there was something amiss. He wasnt the same boy I used to know. He didnt laugh. He didnt smile. He just stood there with the demeaning stare. And I tried to find the words. I had been wanting to say. Since he left so many thoughts crossed my mind. So many things I wanted to tell him so many thoughts I wanted to play. Yet here, now, I couldnt understand the words that came from his mouth. I didnt hear the words coming from mine.

I dont know why I spoke. Or when I thought. And I know it was nothing. A kind gesture from a stranger. Sort of like a hug or a shake of hands. A stare, a smile, and a wave of confusion. I dont think you saw it but I did it was welling up in your eyes. It reflected me looking at you staring at me. Trying to scare me into backing away. Spastic compulsions and cat-calls from the sky. Youre eyes I said theyve gotten so bright. I looked again and got real close. And I could see myself from the tips of my toes. I saw how dull I have become. And I looked just one more time to see if it was true. And your eyes I saw they turned almost blue.

I dont understand why Im fumbling after you.

But


Dammit. can't you think of anything else to say?

"How can you heal?
If you don't ease back the blame.
Knowing you're right, won't you heal?"
-Ape Dos Mil-Glassjaw
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Thursday, March 30, 2006

I can't believe that I am such a fool, such a child filled with these lifeless dreams. Crawling on the floors, hands and knees. Touching the ground feeling it's stability. It keeps me there. But I'm not doing anything. I'm not laying there with no reason. To sew together what still remains. The jig-saw is broken. One piece left is missing. Of the hundreds there nothing seems to fit right. And I fall in despair.



When I walk through the night I only have my pictures, my memories, the only thing to keep me here. Right here. And you killed me with your glare. You're piercing stare. And you broke the pieces, until there's nothing left. I can sit here drinking this wine. So dark like my mind. I can sit here and take these colorful pills and still dream the same old things I did when I was young.

What was that woman to you, that little lady you subdued. Remember when we were young. No fear of anything but strife. When you could cry like a little girl. And I would laugh with the fullest of life. But not anymore. It's over I tell myself. I called you here to listen to me. Understand what I'm saying and not to leave me. My words, they say, are nothing. To cover my mouth but not my eyes. To keep me hidden behind my lies.



The darkness calls to me like a fish to the sea, no longer can I stand it. Run they scream to me. Run like a breeze swift through the skies. Don't ever stop, soon you'll die. And my heart begins to fail. I think it's about to break. I feel the explosions inside. That stability I once knew has failed for the first time.That hope I felt deep inside has fallen once again. When the day I see the shadows, the big becomes small and the tiny become tall. Taller than before we stand together in the line with our world and shaped so warped we are left colorblind.



So. Tell me this, where's the love?

These hues I once touched have turned so dull.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Last night I dreamt I drove away. From here from everywhere and I ended up in a lake. It was dark and lonely on those streets I was listening to those songs you gave me trying to keep a beat. It was cold and my heater didn't work but I knew the only way to hear those song was to keep driving on. I saw the stars as I started going down and I watched them sway and turn as I span out of control and I couldn't see where I was going alls I remember was a flash. And I arrived at your house. And I saw you smile when I fell asleep.
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That twisting pinch deep within my stomach that feeling you get only when you can’t go down. That stab in my spine, and my shoulders bleed, with my head facing the ground. Push my eyes into the sands fill them so I can no longer see. My throat tightens and I feel it coming but I won’t let it out. I want to scream at you and beat you till you bleed but I’m afraid of what little I may do. I stare at your eyes and see that you won’t even look at me. I looked down at your hands and see them not make even a slight move. I wonder what will happen if I touch you will you scream, if I hug your will you bleed and would my hugs only cause pain. Maybe it’s the absence of your voice. Your thoughts are no longer heard. Do you want me to break? My heart runs so fast and I want it to break. I wonder if I run long enough, fast enough What would it do. But it hurts, it burns, not like this. I wrote all over myself but it’s faded now. I can’t remember what was there. Is it fate that brought me here. Don’t tell me again. I’ll just lie in this little meadow. Where no one can see me. It’s a secret and no one can tell that I’m here. And sometimes I want to scream but I’m afraid. That you might see me. That they might find me and I will be seen finally for what I really am.

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are.

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Friday, February 10, 2006

I keep telling myself everything will be alright tomorrow. Leave it up for another green day. Just leave it in the gutter and let the sun shine in. but I can’t. I won’t. It’s not the way! Leave me alive I can’t really say. Days begin and nights make an end. Where were you when the lines started to bend? My soul, my skin, what’s there my friend? It’s not again. Not a repeat of yesterday morn. Am I a simple copy of one that came before? A lover or a friend. A tear I’ve yet to fall. A newsstand took my baby away. Gone with the wind, gone with the spring. Gone when came the summer it seems. Oh those summer blues and those ragtime dolls. Life is but a chance, a dance, but a thrall. Still though I try to change. To make the end seem not to faint. Keys to the doors and doors to the dreams.
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Saturday, February 4, 2006

Little yellow flame help me burn through this icy cold night. I can still see myself just dreaming by the street light. Singing to myself. Why do I even care? Had I found the time, just sitting there. Yet I could never find the words to tell. Maybe this once I’m right. Maybe this once I should stand not lie. Maybe I’m just not made under this law. Maybe I found that point, just give me a call. Let me know your alright. Let me know you’re there. At the bottom of this well I found your mind in a shatter. So I drink lemon tea with a rabbit and a Hatter. Damp and cold, I knew the chase. Clawing through the screens before that blur away the pain. It wasn’t a matter of right or wrong then. It wouldn’t do. It couldn’t be. And I take a bit. A taste in the least. This unfortunate taste on my tongue. Is this love? You ask me and I can’t say. I can’t take it. Let me go. I want to stay but I really should so…and I sat there in the dark with you by my side and thought I was there within the sweet light. All alone in the daytime, so now I think too much. I stared into those dark holes and saw what was real. I’m just a fool. This was all a mistake that had to occur. For it to be. What was so precious to me seems so trivial. How sweet. I’m the same if not a stranger to you, nothing more. Tell me how you feel. Tell me what’s there. I can feel it now, and I know its time for bed. Stop this nonsense and leave it for another morning noon or night. Leave these thoughts these emotions, these dreams with the light. Frightening me, leaving me feeling insane. I feel I made you in my head. You show it well enough, and I want to believe you. But I can’t in right mind…knowing that soon you’ll be gone with the years. As I go on searching as dust in the wind for a ground to lay myself upon. And then we move back to the memories, as I remember how it felt. Seeing your smile as the beat goes on.

Heh///andI thought I knew what I was doing.
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Monday, January 16, 2006

Convene with these books and read the words. I thought, I would realize in all the letters, it was just a first. Rid myself of the turns, that put our minds through this. Rid myself of the haze. Can’t hold on to that feel-ling again. Don’t want to. Strike it again and feel it. I had hoped it was only a dream. Just a dream. I hoped it was all a dream.

The hours turn to minutes and the minutes turn to days. Fall on the roof. Fall on the sky. Fall in to your arms. Lights surround that jaded glare. So bland, like tomorrow just a cabaret. Make it alright just for today, explain to me, don’t. Just go away. You were darker than the night. When you look in to the sun I see the patterns flow and…everything found their way. But I can’t just say. Walking through the obscurity, help me through this maze. I can’t describe it, don’t say it again.

And I thought for a second, I saw that gleam in your eyes.

And I thought for a moment it would be alright.

Better put up a fight. Scream and yell. Exact the words. Put it up for sell.

Lying in the streets, waiting again. Rays hit me deep, tear through my chest. Boils my blood and makes it okay. And I thought I didn’t need it. I thought I could get away. Didn’t want it to mean what it did, came too fast and find the words to say. The rain poured down in through the light. The sun disappeared and I thought it would be alright. Soaking through the threads of my shirt and into my skin. Syncing my body, cooling my sins.

Once that we shared. Bring it back to me. Understanding again, the hues I‘ve come to love. The hues inside you. Yellow rhythms, auburn rhymes. Sharing the sea, they walk into the start, their skin so new and their ribs tearing apart. Reaching to you. And all I have is this.

Parlami. Non posso resistere a. Dopo la vostra armi. Inciampando nella vostra anima. Prendalo.

Dal mio rimorso

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Friday, January 6, 2006

I've said it before, I'll say it again, I'm losing it all, I'm losing my head. Try to do what I thought you wanted. Try to be as bright and kind as I've always been and sometimes it seems you just don't understand. Sometimes I'm not me. Sometimes I can't say it all. You want me to stay the same but life just makes me fall. So dark and alone I wonder where the sun went. Is there fire in that asylum we created to be, together forever, just you and me? Remember that sweet old thing. Finding my median, it’s so far high. Courage takes me within and pushes my eyes. As the birds let out their cries. And I think and I wonder for a moment and no more. I sleep with my eyes looking at the floor and walk in the shadows with my lemon lime schemes. Drink in the pleasure of my paint by number dreams. Still trying to find my path of stone leading to a place we called home. Brown like the sands. Did you even wait for me? Big smiles. Such a pretty girl tried to run and fell with the world. Where is the love that was so strong? We stroll down the sidewalk into the street. Looking deep into the world, were we would meet. I loved your love and I loved your face. I loved your smiles and I loved your ways. So give me one more reason to give up on life, leave me now and hold my strife. The memories in those cold lonely streets, sitting in the grass, looking at the sea. Make me feel more like me, only you knew what I was. What I could be. The musicians and priests like to move this way. Only the yellow leaves will run away. It’ll recommence, because in these stairs and in this maze, I was born to live and die again. I can’t feel that, like a tip of the tongue. Smooth. I miss your thoughts and I miss your dreams. The crows fly on. Feel the warmth of your body so close in my heart, but the only warmth that’s here is so…recreate that, make them feel it again. Staring from afar, not sure what is true. Screaming from the stars, tell it all to you. The same, not a change but a feel. You don’t say the words. And I just keep watching as the lines unfurl.
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Friday, December 23, 2005

Never thought it would be so hard. I never realize the things we said could make the lines fade. The walls fall. As we look up at the sky and try to find the first thought in our minds. Masks to hide our flaws. Masks to hide those tears. Eyes of dark satin. Face, so light and soft. Then the skies turn white and burn into my eyes, I try to find a salvation only to discover the light is everywhere. That incandescent light. And we stare, wondering if the days will roll by faster if only we tried. We fall to the ground and lay in the flowers so sound. The beautiful colors flow with our bodies into the highs. It shivers. No one can see. It trembles, without witness we move towards the edge. It draws us near and the earth cracks beneath our feet. Hear that ring. Into the tunnels and turns, the rocks and shards of glass cut into the skin. And rekindle those thoughts. If you could only remember. And we arrive in the air and stare at the ground. Those sweet sultry memories, that we learned to forget. Those moments long ago when we were still friends. Things weren’t that bad, and the time was right. It begins to beat and pound. Dissipation controls our minds and we go through the motions and go through the rhymes only to find that the fire just died.

I can’t be everything I want to be. I just can’t find the roads to change. My yellow colored angel. I look at that same old street from which I came. Nothing special just a way. I want to be great. I want to be beautiful. A step closer to perfection, but who needs it anyway. I fail at this game.

I’m just a disappointment.

PS. I'm really sorry about not visiting your sites in so long. I feel so rude because I feel you all expect me to expect you to comment my stuff and I don't have the common courtesy to comment yours. I promise I'll get back on the train and I'll comment everyone today and tomorrow and forever till then. Like the old days ;D
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I just don’t know. A dissolute yearning fills my mind and all I can hope for is the love. Make everything feel alright. Create that ever so familiar haze around my body. Everything I know goes away. It flows away and the vivid strains cause reality to go out of shape. As I bow to the floor and I look down at your feet, I wish for something to happen so maybe you could see. The unspoken words and truths we have come to be. Use another method of voice. Another trembling hand to help me through this chant. I can’t hear it. It’s all a faded hymn. This anger build up inside, pushing to get through to your head. Like a million times before, I wish it were dead. The ocean so deep just wait down below for me. When the water rises and flows through the earth and ground. The mountains and hills will splinter and snap. The winds will blow hard and fast. And when it all seems like there’s nothing left to waste. The planets oceans and earth and time will rest. But the pounding of that life in your chest will keep me. Running towards the sun, only the blinds hide it from my view. Dim the light from those eyes and never see it again because you accuse us of this life you hold. You accuse us of the pain and disgust that you’ve felt in you through the years. Maybe we are to blame but don’t let it all implode on me. Don’t let me fall like this because I want to live in that yellow sea. That black and grey street with the small shards of grief, we just couldn’t contain. I want to turn it all around, not this way but in a greater delusion full of iridescent shapes and forms. The water flows through your hands making everything seem so thoughtless. Even though, this moment was never meant to be. Everything means something, but there’s nothing left for me. Those same old excuses you used for them, you use again to hide those trivial fears. Bowing to the floor staring at the ground, dreams awaken yet another sound. Hearing your name tongued through my mouth, just another game. Another moment to find that ambiance that we once knew. That burning fire I felt within you. And we lie on these cement floors, so cold, and look at the sky pretending it’s the earth. Pretending the clouds are the spirit that only sunny rays can run through. The rockets and jets move through our lives and I fall to the ground and try just one more time to lift my eyes.
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