Friday, August 26, 2005

To remember your first love is like to feel that one flame in your heart. It keeps burning inside and you can’t stop it. It’s greater than anything you’ve ever felt. Every emotion you’ve ever felt was similar to that of the blast of a rifle. Nothing more than that nothing less. You’ll never forget the one you loved. You’ll never forget they were there for you when you were sad. They held you close through the time they still loved you. And then they went away. I felt so lost, so alone. It was like there was nothing for me to do and no where for me to go. I could no longer feel the love that was there all along. No longer feel the love that was still surrounding me. The love of my friends the love of my family. It just wasn’t the same and alls I wanted to do was lie on the floor and remember all the times I had. Dream that it never happened. That we were still in love. But everyone morning the sun would awaken me. And tell me it was all over. The sunlight called to me. Told me to awaken myself from this trance they called love. Just to be free again. I knew I could never forget. I knew my heart would never let it end. No matter how hard I tried. It never was the same. It would never be again. He told me to never give into the pain. Never to give in to my heart. I could never trust it. But if I couldn’t trust my heart what else was there to trust. Nothing. I had nothing. It always felt that way. I gave in to it all. I destroyed my mind. I ruined it all. I never listened to the advice given to me by the sun so constant and predictable. He always understood. He was always there for me.
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Saturday, August 20, 2005

All the things left undone. You never looked back on them not even once. Beautiful drawings waiting to be finished. Lovely music waiting to be written. Poems of life never shared. Stories never told. Just leaning against the floor, looking for a purpose. Just waiting for you to come back. Just waiting to be finished. To be fulfilled to their destiny and be cherished and loved by many. It's unheard of. It's unseen. What would ever happen though, to those things that you never cared for. Through the years you forget about them. You make something new. You dream up new ideas. In your mind imagination is infinite. There is no end as long as you remember. You'll remember everything that’s ever happened. Everything you've ever written. Everything you've ever drawn. And keep it close, because you made it.

It’s strange how everyday, is just like the one before. Nothing ever changes and I just wait for this day to end. So I can be free to live in my dreams. To feel all the emotions I never could in day. To experience the thrill ride in life. I’ve been forced to miss. Without my dreams, I would be in a world with uniformity and boredom. All day long, each and everyday. The same people, the same personalities, the same conversations, the same clothes. I couldn’t take it. It’s like living where there is nothing to be happy about. They say I should be able to be around my friends a lot. But no, everyday…the same things, the same words, the same thoughts. There’s no more left in it. So all I have to do is wait. Each and everyday, till I can sleep once again. Till I can dream to the stars. Till I can show them what life is all about. And then, tomorrow morning I’ll start it all over again.
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Thursday, August 18, 2005

The need to be better. The need to control. To dominate. How far will we go to take everything from someone. Everything they deserve in life. All of their life choices and life styles. So that the only thing that is theirs is their thoughts. Their dreams. Alls they have is within their own mind. We’ve taken it all away. How far will you take it. Will you change the way they think. Will you change their minds. The only thing we never thought you could get to. The only thing we thought we could hide. Through time, you pry and pry. Getting closer and deeper into the hole. We hoped you would never try. We hoped it would never be enough. That our thoughts would be with us forever and free as the birds in the sky. To dream as far across ours hearts as we can. To dream deep into the oceans. High into the sky. To feel you heart soar like you never could. Make our dreams come true! Only the future will tell. As far as we go it’s only in our heads. They always bring us back to the times we’ve had. But maybe someday our dreams will come true. Maybe that can be the only thing they can’t take from us. So keep your dreams alive. Never give in! Your dreams are for you! You should always keep the safe in your heart.
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Sunday, August 14, 2005

Subliminizing my mind. Telling me everything you say is right. Turning my mind to believe everything you say. Engraving within my heart your hate and apathy. Distilling within my mind with what I don?t want to know. Feels the seasons change, through the time you still remain. Repeating the same old tale. Reciting my love that fell. To be within the dreams untold. To see into the times we hold. To feel the secrets unfold. There is no time to change your mind. The end is here. The end of time. Nowhere to go, nowhere to run. The emotions you?ve let through are jewels of the rage you?ve felt all along. You never realize the pain you cause. Erase it from your mind. Tomorrow is always better. Another day, everything starts all over. It?s like a cycle. Repeating itself again and again. I never forgot a thing you said. You always change, everyday. But while you live. I still remain. You don?t say a word. It?s all just fine in your little world. Only things that hurt you do you remember. Only you. Your heart is cold. Reflections of the past, while only help the future. Leaving things as they were never looking back on them again. When will this story end. Far from the lines we fall. Only to see what we forgot. In the end it changes again. To feel the circles in my mind. Revealing all that you've said. Shouting to the world everything in mind. Feeling all my spirits rise. The beating of my heart is all you'll hear. The jumping in my soul is all you'll feel. The greatest dream you've ever had was one were you can't feel the hate. One were you can't remember the life you lead. One were there is happiness. One were there is life. Where did all of your dreams go? Did they fade like the memories. Did they fade into hate?
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Saturday, August 13, 2005

Only Once
Shades of the past long entwined through out your heart.

There is no more time.

The need to be apart. Throughout the days you never saw.

What had come and what had gone.

The feeling ended there is no hope.

Only memories, could you hold.

Falling far from the sky.

Just a matter of time, for you and I.

Holding you in my arms, though the memories are dead.

I can't feel your heart again.
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Well you guys say I should write poetry and heres my attempt. Maybe I should try the guidance books instead?

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Well, as you all may know. I'm pretty down nowadays. With this divorce and such. My parents won't stop fighting. My dad won't let me talk to my mother. He even put up a fight to keep me from going to spend the night with her today. He said he hates me. Not in those exact words but I believe thats where he was getting at. I'm just so bummed out right now. I don't even want to be awake anymore. When I'm asleep I won't have to think about things like this. But I'm just feeling sorry for myself. There no point in it. It doesn't help me at all. My mom says she's gonna get us counseling. Because she thinks we need someone to tell things to, that won't bite us in the ass later. I think its a good idea. My sister prolly need it. They won't tell me anything. They keep it all to themselves and thats not good. My mom had to call the police because my dad and her were fighting [like physically] and I dunno. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't know who to trust. I'm just kinda caught in the middle right now. My dad keeps bringing me into it when it's not my problem. I don't care. Well, I had a really good post all set for you all today. I practically buried my soul into it, but Something happened and it disappeared. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Love and Peace.


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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

You knew really know when to stop do you. It's never enough. It's never the end. Just keep prying at it till you have nothing left. You just want it all. Just feel it lift out. It's never the end, because you keep your gripe so tight around what is already gone. All just bits and pieces of memories, far from your heart. Remember the beautiful moments you never appriciated until you knew that it would all be gone. It all goes away in the end. You never wanted this pain, but you needed it. It's all done for a reason. It'll never get better than it is right now. You need to learn what you never thought you'd need to know. It's not that you never knew it. It's just that you never wanted to know. All this knowledge you have all the advice you've been given. Have you ever pondered what life would be like if all the things that hurt you never was. When can you say enough, is more then was needed. When can you say, it could've been without everything that you've done. Do you ever feel the need to go on. Even when theres nothing left to keep. Have you ever felt the need to cry, when nothing was making you sad. Have you ever smiled when there was nothing to make you happy and there was nothing going how you wanted. Please, there is always someone there that will make you happier than you've ever been in your life. I hope one day you will find them. I hope one day..everything will be right again. I hope the best for you even when there was nothing left to hope for. Wishes and dreams will go far. Keep them close in your heart. Keep them close in your memories. So they can feel you inside. So you can always remember the things you never thought you knew.
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Monday, August 8, 2005

Enjoy the Ride.
As you search for the reason there is only a small portion that really ever knows what to say. You only see what you want to see. You only hear what you want to hear. Is there anymore than that? Can you ever trust yourself to hear or see everything that is there. What more can there be than what you want in life? Where do the thoughts that you didn't want to hear go? Are they to be left forever without being acknowledged? Should we scream thoughts unwanted and unheard to the skies so that the heavens can listen to our pleas. The clouds will erupt with emotions that they never knew they had. It's like the world never knew it could feel. It's like its been in denial, like everything else. You can never search the world for answers, the answers will come to you as you grow. Will you ever know everything that there is to know? There is no telling, knowledge is infinite. Knowledge is only opinions and ideas. There are no facts in life only what you perceive to be true. Where is your mind now? As you sit there bored what are you thinking about? Is there ever anything going on in your mind. Accomplishments and objectives. Thats all that is there. What you have done and what you need to do. Of course there is more everyone has a part of them that likes to understand what is around them. What more there is to life. Do you ever question yourself? Are you always this confident? There is always questioning yourself in every choice you make. There is never a correct answer on this road you're going down. Don't rush yourself because you have too much time. Enjoy the ride. It's the only one you'll get.
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Thursday, August 4, 2005

Can you feel the fear deep inside of things to come? You know they’ll happen why try and stop the inevitable. You run and run away from things to come believing that you can get away. With the only thoughts in your mind that you have are were you even expecting it. Why look for things when answers are always all around. Why hide from it anymore there’s more of a chance to get away now then there was before. Just lift your spirits and dream up the impossible. You’re mind feels better that way and no one sees your dreams, so you know they’ll always be safe within your mind. Is it like a forest full of creatures you’ve never seen is it like the first moment of your life. You’ll never remember the first moment but you’ll always see it as you wish. It’s like a puzzle that you’ve never finished. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before it’s like the beginning all over again. Would you change anything that you’ve done? No regrets. You can never have regrets with the remembrance of the things you thought. With remembrance of your life before. Can you ever really move on from the life you’ve lead. There’s no turning back only going forward. Memories are only thoughts. Thoughts are only dreams. When can you look back in a dream and remember anything at all? What are dreams you cannot remember. They’ll never realize the lies they’ve been told throughout life. How do you really learn anything. You only see it through someone else. Their eyes and thoughts are included into everything they do and teach. How can you say you know something, when you could only have learned it with someone else telling you to believe it. This of course only applies to learning in school, but its like everything you’ve ever known could be a lie. Lies upon lies filled in our minds. It never been seen in any other way. You see things how people want you to see them. Its just a tree filled with ropes and bars. It nearly impossible to get it all out because over time it has become entangled into your train of thought. Can you refill the drinks I’ve given you its all just a waste. If you perceive what you think to be true then its true. Isn’t it? There’s no cross ways only the road you’re on. No where else to turn you can only go forward in life then make it so.
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Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Falling far from the sky wishing things weren’t as they seem its like you’ve never lived. It’s like you’ve never viewed life as it ever really was. There’s no more hope as the time passes by you can no longer remember things as they’ve passed through your mind. They’ve been erased these people and things from your past you can no longer call upon these pleasant memories. There is no more room any where for much more of anything. Everything you know is a lie. Everything just feels like a never ending dark tunnel as you go through life you’ll never know what’s there in front of you. All the mistakes you’ve made have already happen and you wonder where they’ve been. What is it that you’ve learned and why was it worth it. Just dreaming of a time to come the moments never seem to be there at the right time and you never know what to look for you never know what to say. Just a moment to moment situation is anything ever planned out as well as you thought it was. Just dancing with myself. All out of hope can you see the truth when its there before you. What is the truth what can you ever perceive to be a truth without the time to look through it its as transparent as yourself. Never knowing anything. Never knowing yourself. They say you can never love without loving yourself. Is it possible to know anything when you aren’t sure who you are? How would you find yourself? How would you know. Its all just a cycle you go through in your life. There’s no more time to think. Learn were you are. Never think about it. Never view anything as you see it. It all lives you down in the end. Someone else knows more than you do. You can never know everything. You can never know nothing. Find it. Look down inside there’s nothing left just you. Never searching always wanting. You just wish you knew more than you know now. Where are you going..
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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Now to continue my story of El Paso. The next day we were all really sleepy. We were gonna watch Saw but we never did because my Aunt doesn’t like the small ones seeing scary movies. So we went grocery shopping for my aunt. I bought a few energy drinks. Drank ‘em all, but they didn’t do much. When we came home we were playing with out phones. I decided to see how long I could get their names. Erica decided that she was going to start spelling her name like this: Airyckah. Sexy, no? Well, Ferny was asleep and Erica and I decided to watch the movies again. I got bored though and went to play Spider Solitaire on her computer and listen to music. When I got bored with that, Erica took me to the shop to buy some squares. Then we came home and cleaned up everything. I fell asleep for a little while cause even after 3 energy drinks I was tired. So I slept for a while then someone came in and I woke up and couldn’t fall asleep again. Erica said it was time for us to go for a walk, so I got the squares and we were off we only went around a few times. Smoking makes me tired quick. Lol. When we got back to her house Ferny was listening to music. I like Ferny’s music. Its pretty cool. For a while I was laying there with them, just chillin’ and jamming’. Then Airyckah went to watch him play the Solitaire game. So I got up and looked at one of the papers she does for her job. And she had her name written all over it in cursive. I told her it was very unprofessional. She said that it didn’t matter cause no one but her was gonna see it. I told her that it was still unprofessional and it wasn’t a wonder she couldn’t find a job. Then she told me to shut up and jumped on me as I lay on the bed. It was funny. After she was talking to Fern and she gave him a hug and he was like “Hug me again!” And then he started yelling, “What were you doing Erica?” I guess he smelled something. I was like “Shame on you Erica! You shouldn’t do naughty things like that!” and he was like “Yeah right! You know you were doing it too!” Lol. It was funny. When my Aunt got home we played Scattergories, I suck at that game. Lol. But it was fun. After that we all went to sleep in Airyckahs bed. And she has a small bed on which we had to fit all three of us. When I was trying to get the blanket over my I accidentally pushed her off the bed. It was funny as hell my and Ferny were just sitting there laughing like psychos. I stayed up till 3 trying to get comfortable. But it was cool. Eventually Ferny got cold and moved off the bed and onto the couch. Lol. When I woke up I laid there for a while then Airyckah was like HEY GET UP!

Love and Peace.
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