Sunday, July 24, 2005

Guess who’s back!

Back again!

I am back….

Tell a friend!

These two weeks have seemed like forever. So many things have happened in El Paso and at home and with all of my friends. Its like overwhelming in a way. Well, I guess I’ll tell you about El Paso. First was the trip over there which was kind of boring. We stayed at a hotel or motel I’m not sure which one. But it was in Fort Stockton. There we got in a pool and it was like 1 in the morning and they got mad because we were being loud. What a bummer. Oh well. Then we got to El Paso and we went to my Tia’s house. Not much changes at her house. Its always the same. My cousin, Quetzal, likes to do my hair a lot. It’s kind of weird. And a little boring for me. But we celebrated my sisters birthday I chose everything. It was nice. We played lots of games and had music and food. And I got to see Ferny and Erica. My two most beloved cousins. Ferny likes the same music I do. Which makes me like him more because music is a gateway to the soul, right? Erica has always been my favorite though. I can’t say if ever had to force myself to say anything to her like I have to for anyone else. I guess I’ve just always felt like she was one of the few that cared. What a selfish thing to say. Any who, I went to Erica’s house that night and Quetzal was kind of upset. I guess she wanted to go too. Well, me and Erica were kind of bored for a few days she was asking for help in love and such. I’m not exactly the best person to ask about that kind of stuff but I’m always glad to help. And then we all went to the mountains in El Paso. We went hiking up them which was fun. I was one of the first to get up there. My little brother was kind of holding me back though. Ferny helped with him though. I thought it was cute to see him carrying him up the stair-like things. It was also funny to see everyone else complaining about how hard it was to get up the mountain. I admit it was tough. The whole time going up I was like I’m never going to smoke anything ever again. My heart hurt so much. But I’m not one to complain. Lol. Any who, Ferny decided to spend the night at Erica’s place. And we rented videos Coach Carter, Saw, and The Notebook. I didn’t get to see Saw but the other two are very cute movies. We all fell asleep on the couches. I swear Those couches are not comfortable at all. I should’ve went to the floor but I was afraid a cucaracha would climb into my mouth and lay eggs everywhere. I’m such a girl but you’ve got to admit that would’ve been gross. I’m the morning they were all still asleep so I watched them sleep and wrote in my Journal about dreams. When they woke up Erica got mad because we were supposed to go to church. And I had awaken early enough to wake them all up so they could get ready. But they all looked so peaceful I just couldn’t do it. I was wondering, what are all of your religions and what is taught in them? I’m agnostic, so I’m just not sure what to believe in so I’d like to learn about all the other ones. Well, back to my story. Actually this post is getting pretty long. So why not let me separate the story a bit for you all. A little today and a little tomorrow and so on.

Love and Peace.
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Saturday, July 9, 2005

Well, I may not be here for a few weeks. I'll try to post whenever I can. But my parents are sending us to my Tio and Tia's place. I'll prolly be able to get on just about everyday. But with these situations you're never sure. I was real mad today so I was punching the punching bag for about half-an-hour without gloves on, so now my hands are all bruised and cut up. I hate it when my anger gets the better of me. I always end up with...not good results.

I'm kind of feeling sorry for my father right now. I feel so betrayed right now. So depressed. ITs hurtful to see him so sad. Its like he doesn't know what to do. I mean after all what is there to do. How can he forgive her for something like that. HE can't. So he doesn't know where to go or what to do. He even asked me. I don't know why though. So I just told him he should get far away from here and surround himself with people that love him. Thats what I feel like doing. I want so bad right now to just run away and...

I'm so selfish. I'm sitting here talking about my problems. Problems so many people have experienced. I should keep my mouth shut about this. It's so very childish of me to even be saying things like this. My friends could get through it so I can too. I can do it without complaint and my stupid selfishness.

Love and Peace.
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Friday, July 8, 2005

Sometimes I wonder what the point is...so many dishonest people. Its funny how it takes so much to build trust, but it only takes one stupid mistake to destroy it forever. But how can you even stand living in the same house with someone like that. You would never know when they are telling the truth or when they're telling a lie. Do you give the benefit of the doubt. Or do you never believe anything they say. I've learned to tell the truth...and my father thinks I still lie. What can I say, I was young how was I to know that it wouldn't get me out of trouble. But I've learned. And now even when I am telling the truth they don't believe a word I say. So what am I to do now. Anger can make you do the stupidest things though. Yesterday...my dad caught my mom kissing someone. So now after all these year that he felt that she was the only person he could trust in this world, she broke it. I suppose she had right to. They were splitting up anyway. And she needed comfort after that fight they had a few days ago. As does everyone after something like that happens. My dad is so hateful though. He couldn't keep it between them, no, he had to yell it out the second he got home he had to embarass her in front of us. He couldn't treat the situation like an adult. But I suppose it does hurt. He feels betrayed, but I can't help but think he deserves it. He says hurtful things to her all the time. And she crys herself to sleep alot thinking about what he says. But I guess they just didn't know where they stood with each other before this. I actually thought they were getting back together as well. He prolly thought the same. But he's so paranoid. I guess he has reason to be now. It just makes me sad that after all these years of love and happiness, they could just throw it all away. In one little fight. They could just throw it all away for one little kiss.

He isn't making it better for us though. He thinks he is. But he's really just lowering my respect for the both of them. She's weak and he's immature. I can't look up to people like that. I just want to get out of here and sort my thoughts. I'm trying not to cry about this. But I really do need to get away from this house. It's so full of hate, betrayal, and anger. I can't live here anymore.

Love and Peace.
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Thursday, July 7, 2005

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||| 20% Stability |||||||||| 36% Orderliness |||||| 23% Altruism |||||||||||||||| 63% Interdependence |||||||||| 36% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious |||| 16% Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 70% Materialism |||||| 30% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 70% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||||||| 56% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth |||| 16% Dependency |||||||||||||| 56% Change averse |||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Sexuality |||||||||||| 43% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||||| 43% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||| 23% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70% Vanity |||||||||||| 50% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70% Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%

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Well, I've pondered it. There are so many things you can be afraid of it's almost impossible to choose just one. But I suppose one of mine is to realize that everyone that I'd thought to have loved and cared for me never really did. That they just pretended and put up with me because thats what they're supposed to do. It kinda falls under that unconditional love thing. I've never understood how someone can love someone else unconditionally. I mean, I've never felt that way about anyone. Or have I. I feel the same way about everyone. I don't want them to feel sad and I'll put my own thoughts and beliefs aside to make them happy. Well, not too much. But if someone is sad about something and they think everything is hopeless and I agree with them, I just have to tell them everything will be fine in the end. But I'm falling off subject. If someone like my mom or my dad were to tell me that they hate me I would be incredibly sad. It's my greatest fear, because I'm so easily hurt.

Although, I don't think anyone ever really knows what their greatest fear is. I think its something that your mind stores deep inside so that you don't have to think about it. Because if you did think about if you'd always be either really sad or really paranoid. You'd look for it. Because you don't want it to occur.

Thats all for today.

Love and Peace.

PS. Thanks for 1600 visits! Yay!
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Wednesday, July 6, 2005

Today was no good. And don't feel like talking about it till I get everything straight.

So everyone tell me about you're greatest fear. And why you fear it.
It's interesting to me.

Peace.
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Tuesday, July 5, 2005

What do you think happens after you die? Sometimes, I don't like believing anything, because I know it isn't right. It’s as good as any one else’s thoughts and beliefs, but if I can’t believe what other people think who am I to say that what I think is right is. I can’t believe my own flawed imaginations and thoughts.
Its funny though. Sometimes when you think you know someone and you think you could figure out everything they think. You really don’t know anything, because you can never know anyone. You will never know exactly how they feel, regardless of what you or what they say. Even if you’ve experienced the same thing that they have and you think you know how they feel you really don’t. Everything effects people in different ways. And some people can be incredibly deceitful. They can show emotion that they don't have they are all great actors, even if they don't know it. But I could be relating this too much with myself. I feel that I cannot trust anyone. Its strange to me. I'm a liar so I think everyone else is. I see others as I see myself. Do you all do that?

Well, today I saw War of the Worlds with my family. I can’t believe it I was actually scared as I watched this movie. Usually movies never scare me. But during this one, I wanted to just have something close to me. Like a pillow or something. But It’s a really good movie.

And I guess that’s all I did today. My life is so boring.

Love and Peace.
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Monday, July 4, 2005

It makes me sad that some people are so stubborn. They never listen to the advice you give them, so they end up staying the way they are. The person they say they hate. Sometimes I think they like being that way for attention or maybe it just feels good to be sad and depressed for them. Comfortable being uncomfortable. I don’t know.

Well, I don’t know what to say. I went to my friend Brenda’s house. And she carved a tattoo into my back. It’s like an eye. It kind of thazzled to get it in there but you know we were bored. I think I need to find some more friends though. I don’t know what to talk about with them anymore. We used to talk about everything, but I don’t know what happened. I guess we said everything to be said. I hate it when people begin to grow apart. It saddens me to know that its just a matter of time before they decide they’re done with me. But everyone knows that feeling. I’m sure everyone has lost close friends, sometimes I don’t know why I bother getting to know people. I can get through life all by myself. I really don’t think I need any companionship, though it is nice to see something from someone else’s point of view. It helps you learn more about the things you don’t understand. She says that she hopes that we can be friends forever. I hope so too. But its like the song say “There is no always forever. Just this.” She’s trying to quit smoking. So I’m trying to help her. Not too sure how to go about that though. Got any ideas?

Well, I got home and I had something to eat. And my stomach started hurting so I went to go lie down. I don’t like eating I always get sick. And I got on AIM and started talking to another friend of mine, Rachel, about the meaning of life. I’m not too sure. I don’t think there is any way to say that there’s a meaning of life because there are so many different people and parts of life. You can’t just group it up like that. You have to examine every part of life that there is. Still I don’t think you’ll find a single meaning. What do you all think the meaning of life is?

Music is so beautiful. Music always helps me understand things I can’t experience for myself or at least that’s what I like to think. Its like a gateway to another persons thoughts. I wish I could write poetry and music but unfortunately I just don’t have that kind of writing talent. But I suppose it depends on what music you listen to. But I’m pretty sure it all has good meaning it just takes a bit of thinking to get it. Even if its not what it was originally meant to mean, music is for you to relate too.

Love and Peace.

PS. Yes Knox. The song on my site is The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. it’s a great song isn’t it? I love them.

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Sunday, July 3, 2005

Feel Good Inc.
Well, today I was extremely bored, more bored than I’ve ever been before in my life. How sad. I occupied my time downloading music to my poor and cluttered computer. I downloaded that song that everyone is talking about. Its called Feel Good Inc. I started really listening to it and I was like wow this song has great lyrics. So I did as I do with all the songs I listen to. I interpreted it. Because whenever I hear something deep I gotta write it down so I can get it clear in my head. I’m not sure if the interpretation is correct, but I’d like those who comment on my site today to interpret it for themselves if they can. Because I really like hearing what you all think of the song. That is if you’ve actually heard the song. You should really listen to it though its great. I love the music video too! So if you all want to you can hear the song on either Zedstef’s site or I Like Dirt’s site. I’m sorry I don’t know how to link so you’ll have to check out my Friends List. I thought your comments yesterday were funny. I feel so loved….as a friend. Lol.

Feel Good Inc.
This song is about a city that has everything that many people want. Sex, parties, dancing, just an all around good time. And they’ve been living this way forever, I suppose. And 2-D is realizing that what they have there isn’t all there is that can make you happy. And he’s like dreaming of the other good things in life that are outside the walls of this building. And the rapper dude is telling him that he is blind to the world and he should be happy with what he has because its what everyone else wants. But 2-D persists to think and wonder. So they kinda hypnotize him to conform him. They want him to be like everyone else there. And 2-D is asking everyone else to realize that there are better things than this place if they all just break free from the life they have. But no one listens.

Love and Peace.
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Saturday, July 2, 2005

I don’t know what to say today. My mind feels so empty today. I really want to get some sleep. But I can’t for some reason. I don’t know why. Maybe there’s something inside me that strives to get out. But its stuck deep inside me and part of me wants to keep it there. Because that’s where it has been for so long. I suppose part of me is afraid of change. Though I always feel change is best for me. If I were to change everything would be better. But I confuse myself so much and now I’m afraid of it. I tend to do that a lot though. Ah well..I suppose I’ll tell you what I did today. But that’s not very interesting. I’m sure you all wouldn’t want to hear that.

Well here’s a little survey thing. Have fun.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression [of me]?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
16. What song are you listening to right now?
17. Do you love me?

Gosh darn it. I’m conforming.

Love and Peace.

PS. I changed my music thing. It's The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkle.

Its a beautiful song. I remember when I was younger my father listened to it and it just seemed so mysterious. Well, here are the lyrics.

"Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.

'Fools' said I, 'You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.'
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, 'The words of the prophets
are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.'
And whisper'd in the sounds of silence."
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