Friday, July 1, 2005

I wonder what happens to people as they change, as they grow older. Sometimes, I'd like to believe that people alway change for the better whether its to learn something about themselves or learn something about other people. I like to believe that as people grow old they just become better people as time goes by. And right before they die, they're the best person they could ever be. Part of me would like to believe that, but part of me can't because, yet again, I am grouping people up together into one little group that only I can see. It is a nice thought though. To think that when I die I can be happy with who I am. I can be happy with my whole life.

Some people can be so close-minded though. I'm sure I'm guilty of this as everyone can be at some point in their lives. But sometimes people can have such one track minds they think of only one thing all the time. But.. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so tired right now.

Rainbows are so pretty. And they come after rainstorms which can feel like a burst of anger or emotion. Its easier to think when you're surrounded by freezing water. It feels so nice. But back to my train of thought...The rainbows after rainstorms remind me of happiness and glee, of relief and rainstorms remind me of a time of either a great deal of thought or a release of emotion and energy. So after, a release of all of your emotions and energy are you always relieved? Then again, not after every rainstorm is a rainbow present. So I guess not after every release is there relief. I don't know where I'm going with this. Its an awful analogy.

I need to get some sleep. I wish it would rain here. Its so hot.
Good-night.

Love and Peace.

PS. I put in a new little midi. Its Close To Me by the Cure.
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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Why is it that when someone is trying to get respect from someone else sometimes they use pain to get it. Some people are so fixated on being dominant that they’ll do anything to prove themselves. They treat others like animals. Like dirt. Like they are nothing to them. Its like when a father beats his son, or a husband beat his wife. Sure there are all sorts of reasons for it. But the one I see most is for respect. But isn’t it disrespectful to hit someone or scream at them? Is it how this works you get respect from disrespect. It just doesn’t make sense.

I was watching Full metal Jacket the other day. A perfect example. Then again they are making killing machines that live to die in war. But it makes me sad that anyone would put themselves through that sort of thing. Just another reason to strive for peace in the world. Although, its just a dream. That may never come true. There are too many people in the world that strive for destruction and death. It seems the same concept is used here. In order to obtain peace, you need to destroy something. You need to destroy those that only want destruction. But is that really the only way. I doubt it. There are so many ways to fix things I’m just over-looking something. Destroying hate with hate doesn’t make sense at all. Because you’re just creating more hate.

Still I feel that there is no reason for this hate. This abuse. No one really deserves it.

That all I have to say for today.

Love and Peace.

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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Short Post...
Sorry the post from the other day was so short. I didn't finish it, but I can't remember where I was going with it, so I guess whatever else I wanted to write wasn't very important. I'm sure you're all right that it just seems like he hates me because of the things that he says. He might be trying to help but I see nothing helpful when he tells me that everything I say is pointless and that no one cares about what I have to say. Maybe he's just trying to prevent me from saying stupid things to others so that I won't be made fun of at school in front of a bunch of people rather than at home where no one knows about it. It just makes me kinda sad sometimes. But I've decided I should be more mature about this I've been acting incredibly childish about this whole thing. I shouldn't worry about my parents splitting up. Its what they want, I shouldn't be selfish and try to get them together if they don't want to be together. It just none of my business.

My dad says we might be going to El Paso sometime soon. I don't want to leave my mom here because he says he doesn't want her to go. Then again, I'm not sure if she'd want to go because it would be kinda awkward, wouldn't it?

Well, I don't know what to talk about right now. My own stupidity is beginning to get on my nerves a bit. Last night, I was staring at the sky and I wondered what I should think of it. From the angle I was at I felt as though it was going to fall on top of my or I was going to fall on it. The stars where so bright too. One time, it was midnight so the moon was right in the middle of the sky and the clouds encircled it with light. I thought it was amazing. It was the first time I'd seen anything like that. It felt so nice to just feel all of my pent up energy fall to the sky.

Love and Peace.

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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Oh all of your comments were so kind. Sometimes I wish I went to school with you all. Maybe we could spread love and peace all over the world, just like Shizuka said. It would be lovely. But I'm just drifting off into my fantasy world. It would seem everyone has a world that they can just express all of their thoughts and emotions and dreams. Perhaps that place is truely a heaven. It always feeling nice to just let all of my bottled up thoughts and emotions free. Though sometimes, I think it would be best to be quiet rather than open my mouth and show everyone who I really am. It feels right to let them make their judgements and keep them than to prove them right or wrong. But that could just be an excuse not to speak. Just keep my mouth shut. I'm so tired. My father suspects my mother of cheating on him. Though I don't think its true. He does. Always trying his hardest to catch her in lies. Even though he has to make them up. He's so paranoid. I don't know whats going on anymore. My dad says he'd prefer that I stay here than go with him. I guess he hates me or something. Actually, I know he hates me. He always has.
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Monday, June 27, 2005

I seem to be at a lose of words right now. Everything feels like a dream so I suppose I feel confused about today. It seems my mother is trying to spend more time with me but I don't really know why. It feels so awkward after this long of time where she didn't seem to care about ayone but herself. Both of my parents seem to be putting on a mask. Its like they're hiding their feeling and keeping them bottled up inside for us so that we won't cry about the fact that they're splitting up. Mostly for my sisters I guess. I don't really care what happens. It none of my business anyway. Well, I might be transferring schools to Harmony Science Academy. I've been feeling kind of sad lately but thats okay. It's nothing new. I can cope with my feelings but I can't help but wonder what this is doing to my sisters. They don't like to talk about it they seem to be avoiding the topic at all cost. But maybe its just me. Oh well.

Sometimes I wonder why people are so hateful to each other. There are so many people that never do anything wrong, yet everyone hates them. Is it their purity that for some reason gets on their nerves? And there are some people that just don't take the time to learn about others. They say that they are so unfortunate and say that everyone hates them but they talk about other people that are more unfortunate than themselves like they are so high and mighty. But I suppose I'm at fault for that as well. I never try to talk to people because they make me feel bored because we don't have like interests. I can't say I've ever really said anything that I meant to be hurtful. I just try to keep my mind in a realistic state. But the other day that post was really hateful. It was wrong of me to say that people love for drama. But usually I just take it as I see it. I mean what else would explain the fact that people try to have relationships with people that will never work. Because so many people do do that. They say that they are in love but nevermind. I really know nothing about love I'm still so young. I can't really say I've felt feelings like that for anyone. But for some reason I think I'd prefer that. It seems better to not go through the pain of losing a loved one. Than never having to feel that at all. But then again I will be very lonely.

Thats all for today.

Love and Peace.
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Saturday, June 25, 2005

Lovely...
Just lovely were your interpretations. I almost hate to reveal the way I wrote it. Funny though. You all make it fit together And I've just realized that each, uhmm, stanza, I believe, is a completely different story.

I feel so dumb. But I made it up late last night so I suppose thats why my mind decided to wander.

Well. Here we go...

In your mind you see pictures of cream and cheese while under the bridge something is growing as it was meant to be:
Think of cream and cheese as too people Cream and Cheese can be thought of together and alone and are equally good. And something under the bridge is like a secret.

Everyone can feel the rabbit feasting on the eyes of their toes and it sickens me to see the color of rose:
A rabbit is something that nibbles on things when it eats and eyes on toes is something than can never be
Being depressed is a sickness and the color of rose is like love

To make your mind wander through the sky of apricot phlegm beneath the frolicking lambs gluttonous of all that is in sight feel the Milk slide through your fingers while the wind sings in your grace:
When I think of the sky at sunset I think of apricots. Lambs dancing above the sky is like people that believe everything they hear and only want to hear more. And milk sliding through your fingers is like everything you see that just doesn't seems right Otherwise known as these people, these lambs. The wind singing in your grace is like you feel your better then everything else but only something transparent as the wind sees that.

Love and Peace.

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Friday, June 24, 2005

Rather Interesting...
It's funny how when you're put up to seeing something someone else can't you come up with the most unbelievable thing. And it just shows how beautiful of a person you are...
I made a poem of some sort. And I'd like you all to try your hardest to interpret what it means.


"In your mind you see pictures of cream and cheese while under the bridge something is growing as it was meant to be.

Everyone can feel the rabbit feasting on the eyes of their toes and it sickens me to see the color of rose.

To make your mind wander through the sky of apricot phlegm beneath the frolicking lambs gluttonous of all that is in sight feel the Milk slide through your fingers while the wind sings in your grace."

Come on try it. I'd love to see your answers.
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Thursday, June 23, 2005

Okay?
It all seems to be slipping through my fingers. Everything is difficult to grasp and I feel that I'm falling down a big hole and I can't do anything about it.
Everyone is so selfish.We have all we need but we always search for more. No matter what it is. We always want more than we need. Everyone wants love. But the only people want love is for excitement in their seemingly boring lives. We just want drama. People just love to occupy their minds and thoughts. But eventually everyone gets bored. But its all for the best because if you're bored, you begin going slowly insane. People that are all alone in the world must have too much time to think. Of course everyone needs companionship of some kind. My dad says that thinking isn't good for me because it makes me sad. He says I have too much time to think and that I must be insane. But what does he know. He doesn't know me at all. But they always say you should think about things before you say them. I don't know what to do though. They always say think about everything, find something that no one else sees. But they just want us all to be the same.
Making something out of nothing at all. Just feel it all disappear. Feel it all go away. It'll be fine as long as you forget. Just forget about these illusions you make up in your head because they're not real. They're as real as anything else you feel in your mind and soul. Feel it all fade into the bright lights in the sky Falling free in your mind, free in your eyes. You feel the emptiness consume you heart and you try to scream but who cares in this world of ours. Nothing really matters to anyone else. Just see how insignificant the pain in this world is. You're thoughts don't matter. No one cares. It has nothing to do with you. So close your mind and your eyes. And hope for the best. In this world of selfishness, its all about yourself.
I wonder if you really are invisible. It seems that no sees you or notices that you exist. They just see what they want to see. You don't mind them not talking to you...No it has nothing to do with that. People just sit beside you and start making out. It gets on your nerves. You're just not important to them. You're not important to anyone. Dust in the Wind.No one really sees anyone else. No one really hears anyone else. It's all just an illusion to them.
Well...Love and Peace.
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A Part Hate
Somber sister
This is a strange and bitter fruit
Because you taught me to sing
And the rhythm in my heart
And the rhythm in my feet is -

Why are the rainbows
Stolen from the sky
And locked up in boxes
Yellow, black, red and white
Like birds in their cages
Beating their wings on the bars
And there's a song that they're singing
It's a word in the world
It's a word in their hearts

A part hate
I heard a man say
Tear apart hate
And I saw hope in his face
A part hate
Where the color of love
Slips away

Why are the children
Carrying guns, not books
Drug dealing, not learning
The golden rule
And the idea of freedom
Not just the same
Castle in the sky
Haunted by white-sheeted ghouls
Filled with hate me
And hate you
And proud of it too

A part hate
Heard a woman saying
Tear apart hate
And I saw hope in her face
A part hate
Where the color of love
Slips away

Why are the people
Running down the block
Rock throwing, not knowing
What else to do
But I'm just a spectator
And I can never know the pain
But when I hear
That whip cracking
I cry out tears of anger
I cry out tears of shame

A part hate
I heard myself say
Tear apart hate
And I saw hope in my face
A part hate
Where the color of love
Slips away...

Tear apart hate tear apart hate
Tear apart hate tear apart hate
Tear apart hate tear apart hate...

--Cyndi Lauper
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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Just Another Boring Day.
Well, I changed my background and such. I think it looks nice. Tell me what you think!
Hmm...nothing interesting happened yesterday. And nothings really happening today. I'm thinking of going to see Charlie And the Chocolate Factory.
Wow. That is boring. Sometimes I wish I had more to do. Hmm...I should probably get started on my summer reading list. We're reading The Lord of the Flies and
I can't remember what the other book is called. But I'm sure you don't really care.
By the way, I'm trying to figure out how to make the little boxes around the posts and the inner background clear so I can see my FLCL background.
Love and Peace!
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