Tuesday, May 30, 2006

This morning I woke up feeling dead. I couldn’t move or sleep or think or talk. I guess I was just in that instance between being awake and asleep, conscious and unconscious, dead or alive. In time I could feel myself waking up or maybe I was falling asleep. I dreamed of rainbows and oranges in trees. I dreamed the color yellow if only I could. I felt it fading way as I knew it would. But the dream ended. And I woke up. Finally I thought. My sister was in my room playing her little video games.

Good Morning, I said.

Good Morning Brittne. Want some Kool-Aid.

No it’s okay Hun and I walked to the living room.

This house is a mess. I wish these people would clean after themselves. My dad was asleep on the couch in his underwear dreaming of life and love and everything close to him. I walked to the kitchen and bag of ice was half melted in the sink. What a waste I thought.

I started to boil some water for my early morning tea and started thinking. About everything. My worries, my troubles, my friends and those I loved, about Seth and Brenda. They’re gone now I thought pushing the thought out of my head. I miss them so much.

Some of the boiling water hit my face awakening me, and I said to myself nothing ever really turns out the way I wanted.

But that’s okay. Soon I’ll be gone just like everyone else.

Today my momma took me to the mall to get my hair cut. I was happy to get out but I never know what to do there. It’s always so awkward those social situations. And then I wish I could just speak my mind like everybody else.

I ooked in the mirror and tried to find a good side. I decided I should dye it blonde then I could look just like Marilyn. Them mother took us to Wal-Mart and then home.

We’re painting the house. It’s an awful grey color. So I went outside and started working. The sun was very high in the sky. I tried to say Hello but he didn’t hear me. The birds made strange noises and I tried to make them too. But the birds just looked at me and flew away cackling as if to tell me something. But I didn’t know what they were trying to say. So I got back to work. Painting the house is fun but my dad said that I have to clean it first. I scrubbed really hard to get all that mildew and icky stuff off of it. When I was done I looked at it and was proud of my hard work. It looked really nice.

Then we waited for the house to dry and sat in the grass. Little bugs kept biting me and told me that I was sitting on their house and to get off cause they need to get inside and feed their children.

I said sorry and moved over a little and watched them go inside their little hole.

We painted the house and I went inside.

Ring ring the phone said.

I told him not right now.

Ring ring ring.

No!

Ring ring…Hello. No one is here at the moment leave a message, BEEEP!

Shut up I said. Then it was quiet.

RING RING RIIIIINNG!

FINE! I yelled. Hello I said.

Hello, Is Brittne there?

It’s April I thought. Say no say no say no. You’re not here you’re busy go away April leave me alone.-Yeah it’s me.

Heeeyyy…

Yea. What do you want?

When are you gonna pick me up tomorrow?

I don’t know just be ready.

After twenty minutes of talking about nothing. I couldn’t take it anymore and hung up.

I went outside. And light up a cigarette. I felt the cold tingling go down my throat soon after followed by a surge of heat and fire.

I looked at the sky and saw the clouds moving slowly like boat drifting in the sea. And found an ocean and a lake and a mountain and a volcano and a tornado and buildings and people and cars and trucks with their loud horns and burning smoke filling my world. I took another long drag and got up and went for a walk. My throat got tight.

I saw some kids and they just stared at me as they walked or ran or rode past on bikes scooters and skates. I miss those days I thought to myself. It started to get dark and I told the sun good night and he said sweet dreams. And I smiled. Thinking of all the good things that could happen tonight.

I walked home in the dark the houses always look so funny at night some are tall and thin some are round and some have lots of windows while others have none. I got home and walked inside.

My dad wasn’t there my mom neither. My sisters told me they were hungry so I tried to find something for them to eat.

Nothing.

So went to lie down in my room but my brother was playing. He kept telling me about the bear and the bird and how far he’s gotten and how cool the game is and those little eggs and he told me I looked nice and that I should go buy him a bunny so he can play with it tomorrow or a turtle so he can take it to the shore with us tomorrow.

I told him we already had a turtle and he told me it was dead.

I need to get packed I thought. I started looking for some clothes.

I turned on some tunes and got distracted and started dancing. And I thought of Seth. Of how much I miss him and why am I listening to this. He gave it to me. I should get rid of it. It only makes me remember. But then I told myself it’s better not to forget.

“I want to hold you close softbreasts, beating heart. As I whisper in your ear I want to f*cking tear you apart…”

My mind started racing and I could see I fell to the ground and went to sleep.

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