Monday, June 12, 2006

Saturday Morning Noon and Night.
This morning I woke up in a house I did not recognize with people all around that I did not know.

I thought about the night before and why sdo I do this shit. And why don't I just stop be myself. Can't help it. I thought. I'm already caught in this web, this net, I've put myself in.

Sometimes I disgust myself. Everyone else was still asleep. I went to the living room, got my stuff whatever I brought and left. Never to come back again, I hope.

I was walking home, hoping to get a ride from somebody but I never get that lucky. So I just walked the whole way thinking about my life and what my purpose is and why I do these things I do. Then I looked at the traffic light and thought for a second and decided that it wouldn't matter anyway. I'll just do it again and again. Stll doing the same thing. Because maybe I don't care where I'm going to.

But maybe I do. And someone ran passed me and said hello and smiled at me. I waved at him but I don't think he saw. He was far off then. I kept walking. I wondered if I'd get home before anyone woke up.

I finally got home my dad was awake. He asked me where I had been and what I was doing. And why I was out that late at night and why I do stupid shit like this and make him worry about me.

I dunno I said.

He looked at me for a second and told my sister to get the paddle and he beat the shit out of me. Probably hoping I'd learn my lesson. Praying that maybe he won't have to worry about me. Thinking maybe he can be proud of me for once in his life.

Once he thought he had done his job, he told me to go to my room. And I went teary eyed sort of limping from the pain in my legs and back.

I lay on my bed, thinking. Just thinking. About nothing and everything at the same time. I got up and turned on some music, Bruce Springsteen blasting through my mind, I couldn't help but to cry.

My sister came in and tapped me on my shoulder and told me that my dad wanted me to go do my chores and a lot of other things. So I got up and did all that. Hoping maybe I wouldn't have to look at him and maybe he wouldn't have to see me. Hoping that maybe he wasn't there and that he left to do some things with my mom.

I have shit luck. But he was leaving. With my mom. To the store. They said we're doing my brothers birthday today.

They left. And my dad gave me that sneering look and told me not to turn on the computer, to listen to music or do anything. I didn't deserve to. I never listen to him though. He knows that too. So I put on some music anyway. Loud and proud. I hate myself sometimes. But I can't deal without it. I cleaned up everything I was supposed to. And did all the work I had been told to. So I went to my room and listened to the sounds some more.

Sometimes I think this music rules my life I thought. I looked out the window and saw the light, the birds, and trees and flowers and all the clouds, the simple beauty of the world that I somehow missed this morning. I thought maybe I should go outside.

It was bright and warm the grass felt so cool against my back and feet. I looked at the little purple cottonball flowers and all the touch-me-nots.

My dad got home and asked me if I finished my stuff.

I said yes and we went inside to find everything a mess again. Those fucking kids, I thought.

He told me to get everything out of the car and I did. They got my little brother cake with McQueen on it, from that new movie Cars. They went to see it last night. I didn't go. They got him lots of toys too. And all sorts of cool stuff that little boys like to play with.

I took them to my mothers room and she got to wrapping them up.

My brothers were running around all happy cause they knew they were getting cake.

It was kind of funny. I sat around and watched television for a minute got bored and went to help my mom.

She told me how upset my dad was with me. And that I'd be lucky to ever go out again. And that she was disapponted in me too.

I thought of a bunch of things I could be disappointed in them. But I just looked at her and nodded as I taped together the paper.

Finally we finished and he opened them all, he was really happy with everyting he got and then we had the cake, we sang and did all the normal things people do at parties.

After we finished all that I went to my room. Kind of feeling a little weird. Like I couldn't feel all of this. It's my brothers birthday I thought I should be happy for him. I should be smiling and laughing. And having fun like everyone else...but I'm not.

And I looked out the window at the night sky and fell asleep.

Laterdaise everyone.

Sorry It's so long.

peace.
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