Monday, March 27, 2006

Because I loved you
When I had to find you, I told you that I needed you
I cried in your arms softly muttering I've always loved you.
Can't you see the pain in my eyes, these tears that fall washing away the darkness once again?
How can you turn away from me, leave me here to
die.
You told me, nobody said it was easy.

As I lay there on the street with the rain plunging to earth like ice, my body became numb,
slowly dying, as I laid there crying. Thick crimson liquad swirled around me, washing away into the storm sewers.

Why did you leave me here when I had nothing to gain?
Left me to suffer, to remember the pain.
My best friend watched me sat there as I cried.
She watched me bled, she watched me died.
Animated bodies that were created by fire
The human heart that is lead by desires.
You left me for the world better above
All because I had loved.

So tell me why did you kill me slowly?
Lied to my face and watched me crumble before
you? Im fading away from this world slowly as
death came to claim my frozen soul.
Before passing away, I wished I belonged in your arms, I wish that you were here to save me.
I cried out your name, but you never answered back.
Thats when I asked my self...

Why did you leave me here when I had nothing to gain?
Left me to suffer, to remember the pain.
My best friend watched me sat there as I cried.
She watched me bled, she watched me died.
Animated bodies that were created by fire
The human heart that is lead by desires.
You left me for the world better above
All because I had loved.


My spirit faded away, all because I had loved you..
All because I had loved you...
All because I had loved you...

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

   Define a COLD
Alright it's been three days now since I've had this blasted cold. Normally the worst part is over by now.. but it isnt! My throat is so sore, it feels like death him self is closing his freezing boney fingers around my lungs, making my throat burnning and yurning for air! Next are these blasted headaches and stuffy noses. You think they could be a water fountain up for a million dollar home donation by how this is running..And last but least my body feels like a friggen oven! I can't stop sweating or shaking sometimes! And sometimes I just pass out because I need sleep! Woot! So this is a cold? MY ASS! More like a bad fever and a half. What do doctors know now in days anyways? They said I just have a cold! Well I went back earlier today and now I have a minor fever with strep throat! LOVELY. Im never trusting a doctor again... Even I could tell I had more than "just a cold" Oh well.. no ones perfect. -shrugs-
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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

   The Hairy Risk
Alright this is going to be random, I couldnt think of anything to post that has actual meaning since right now my emotions are at a calm, steady status right now. For my "hairy risk" I am thinking of getting a different style cut, one where my hair can grow longer faster. I've heard of many cuts that can allow short to medium length hair grow fast to the length you want it in less than three years. I've finally made my self get bangs, though they are still pretty long... I don't in particular like short bangs on my self all though Savvy thinks they would look cute on me. Im sorry to say kawaii neko-chan but I just can't honestly picture my self with short short bangs! Im alright with the style I have I suppose, layered/choppy. It is better then what it was all same length, including bangs considering my hair was shoulder length. I might cut my own hair, make the back shorter and the front longer... yeah don't ask I've seen this style that is suppost to help. I already have purple underneathe my close to white blonde hair... I am thinking of putting read or pink underneath, that or dying it entirely pink with plum violet and blonde highlights, just like my anime character I've designed... yes a little extreme but hey, I love color and I love playing with my hair when I am bored. Any suggestion would be helpful. And yes Savvy, when we go to the animathon I will have a kick ass hair style that you can play with when the time comes woman!
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Thursday, March 9, 2006

   Finally Opened
This was an entery I have written in my journal a long time ago. And I still feel that way. Some may ask, why post something private in your journal? Because it isnt private anymore. Some have seen what I have written before anyways. And some can relate or get a glimpse of what would happen to them.


January 15, 2006. 3:08 am Sunday.

I hade to make a hard decision today..I had to let him go..me heart was finally broken. It got torn into a million acidic pieces..pieces that can't be repaired for a long time. I had to let him go before one of us dies. My question was, why did he lead me on like this?

Friends said I was obssessed over someone who didn't return the same feelings.. but that was not true. He wouldn't of returned any feeling to me if he never felt anything.. because why would he hold my hand, tell me he would never let go, tell me he loves me and I was a thousand roses no one can never even dream of having. Why did he kiss me when he couldn't make up his mind? It hurt so much.. I couldn't stop crying.

I had to listen to my heart and see what I had to do, I listened to my heart and I don't know where im going, and I don't know why. I listened to my heart.. before I told him goodbye.

Here I am still crying. I don't know if the decision I made was a good one. My friends told me it was better to let him go considering from what they told me, maybe it was for the best. They thought they new him as well as I did, they never seen his real side. I did it so he wouldnt feel pain and I wouldnt feel pain. He had a girlfriend, and yet he wanted me. But I couldnt be with someone that wanted two at once. Everyone was tired of seeing us upset and torn like this. He told me to forget about him because I am dying... Now that I did I am dead. You told me you were my angel..then help me repair the scar you inflicted and left behind in my beating heart, or what's left of it together. You may have left me crying, you may have left me here to battle my fights with my family alone, you left me here to burn my back into a crisp with a lighter, you left me here to bleed when I needed you the most. I can't think straight no more, I can't forget about you, everthing happened so fast.. it didnt seem real. Look at me in the eye and tell me the truth, when you said I love you, did you actually mean it? Or did you just say it to confuse me and put me in more pain by leading me on..did you really care? I will always love you still no mater what..I just can't stop..Tell me everything in your own words.


And to this day I never stop thinking about him. We are close friends now, but he feels bad for what he did. And yet.. he still loves me. He wants things to go back to they way they were, him still being with his gf while I was the secret lover behind her back.. I told him I didnt want that. It would bear me more pain between both of us, that and to his Girlfriend. I may have started doing stupid things because of depression, and not just over you but other things that have left me nothing more but closed my doors to the world in a emotional state, mentally and physically where everything is black and white. The only color I can see is Red. Despite what happened I will always be at his side, even though he hurt me more than anyone. And when he did that to me.. it set me off. I've delt with a lot of crap, and I mean a lot.. but that was something I never delt with.. and let me tell you.. it hurts to be lead on with someone you thought loved you back...
Don't let it happen to you....
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Wednesday, March 8, 2006

Show Me What It Is Like
I've been feeling so empty lately. I don't even know where to begin. People always want me to understand or help them with their problems...Of course I love helping people with their problems. I have this bad habbit of always trying to make others happy, so I don't have to see them sad no more. I try and take away their pain and scars left on their souls, but create a deeper one beyond hell in mine. They say for me and say it to me: How is that you still want to help others when all you have ever been told was lies, and more. Why help thoughs who have knocked you down and watched you fall, even ones that watched you cry in the corner of darkness inside your self?
I don't know how I can. I'm falling, I'm falling deeper into this spiral of sadness. I had the boy I have had my heart set on for a long time tear it out and ate it infront of me, seemingly laughing at the pain I felt. He watched me fall, He watched me cry, he watched me scream for him. So why didnt you show me what it's like, to be the last one standing? Why did you lead me on like this? You know everything about me, and yet here you are watching me secretly with my knee's to my chest, my head in my lap as I sit in the water while that candle burns? How I sat alone in the dark and bled for you. Yet you still turn to come back, and say I am the one thats worth saving, since it was worth saving me, why did you let go? I can handle more pain then just this. But because I truely felt for him, he was my weakness as well my strength. He was my weakness to my heart, but strength to know what part of my soul he has shattered still manages to hang on. Thats why I stick around and help, even though I sometimes get hurt more then I should be. I've had more then just this probelm happen. Fights, self inflicted damages, and more. So let me take your pain, let me fill my self up with more sadness. I will be the one that will always stand by your side and help you walk along the path beneath the surface. I may confuse what is real, I may not be able to find my self again, walls will always be closing in, but it doesnt mean I can't unvail my black wings and fly away once again, until you make me fall from the heavens into the black sea. That is why I chose to walk this path. You want me to show you what it is like? I can't show someone, if I don't even see things clearly anymore. My world has turned black and white. The only color I see is red, for that it is anger, hatered, love, sadness, lust, and theses wounds that will not heal. "Fear Is How I Fall."
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