Thursday, March 9, 2006

   Finally Opened
This was an entery I have written in my journal a long time ago. And I still feel that way. Some may ask, why post something private in your journal? Because it isnt private anymore. Some have seen what I have written before anyways. And some can relate or get a glimpse of what would happen to them.


January 15, 2006. 3:08 am Sunday.

I hade to make a hard decision today..I had to let him go..me heart was finally broken. It got torn into a million acidic pieces..pieces that can't be repaired for a long time. I had to let him go before one of us dies. My question was, why did he lead me on like this?

Friends said I was obssessed over someone who didn't return the same feelings.. but that was not true. He wouldn't of returned any feeling to me if he never felt anything.. because why would he hold my hand, tell me he would never let go, tell me he loves me and I was a thousand roses no one can never even dream of having. Why did he kiss me when he couldn't make up his mind? It hurt so much.. I couldn't stop crying.

I had to listen to my heart and see what I had to do, I listened to my heart and I don't know where im going, and I don't know why. I listened to my heart.. before I told him goodbye.

Here I am still crying. I don't know if the decision I made was a good one. My friends told me it was better to let him go considering from what they told me, maybe it was for the best. They thought they new him as well as I did, they never seen his real side. I did it so he wouldnt feel pain and I wouldnt feel pain. He had a girlfriend, and yet he wanted me. But I couldnt be with someone that wanted two at once. Everyone was tired of seeing us upset and torn like this. He told me to forget about him because I am dying... Now that I did I am dead. You told me you were my angel..then help me repair the scar you inflicted and left behind in my beating heart, or what's left of it together. You may have left me crying, you may have left me here to battle my fights with my family alone, you left me here to burn my back into a crisp with a lighter, you left me here to bleed when I needed you the most. I can't think straight no more, I can't forget about you, everthing happened so fast.. it didnt seem real. Look at me in the eye and tell me the truth, when you said I love you, did you actually mean it? Or did you just say it to confuse me and put me in more pain by leading me on..did you really care? I will always love you still no mater what..I just can't stop..Tell me everything in your own words.


And to this day I never stop thinking about him. We are close friends now, but he feels bad for what he did. And yet.. he still loves me. He wants things to go back to they way they were, him still being with his gf while I was the secret lover behind her back.. I told him I didnt want that. It would bear me more pain between both of us, that and to his Girlfriend. I may have started doing stupid things because of depression, and not just over you but other things that have left me nothing more but closed my doors to the world in a emotional state, mentally and physically where everything is black and white. The only color I can see is Red. Despite what happened I will always be at his side, even though he hurt me more than anyone. And when he did that to me.. it set me off. I've delt with a lot of crap, and I mean a lot.. but that was something I never delt with.. and let me tell you.. it hurts to be lead on with someone you thought loved you back...
Don't let it happen to you....
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