Sunday, July 15, 2007

   Bitch! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!
This ugly old bitch on the news advertisement. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHICH NEWS STATION YOU WATCH!!! YOU'RE FUCKING OLDER THAN A DINOSAUR, SO GO EAT YOUR CASSEROLES AND PULL YOUR PANTS UP TO YOUR CHIN ALREADY

honestly, I don't know what to talk about.

All day, I've just -desperately- been searching for distractions...If I keep myself occupied and a million miles away, my thoughts too will be forced down, and though it will make my body lethargic, it's better than being a wreck.

Not that I've cried. Seriously. I really only cry when I'm super mad/frustrated. It's quite selfish.

And fuck this feeling of Deja vu

REVALATION!!!!! deja vu sounds like "Daijoubu" @.@

but I'm not.

><

i feel all crazy and looney.

I'm so glad I didn't get drunk on thursday. I'm not a bad drunk, usually.

But I usually meow, talk in sort of strange Japanese, and I can get a bit tomboyish. I'm still me, at least. Last time I got shit faced was a few weeks ago off about a half a bottle of Bacardi Limon Rum.

I prefer vodka.



^^

This has nothing to do with my drinking. But Antonio is good. Around his friends, he is still affectionate. My last bf wasn't like that.

on Thurs. we were hanging around before the concert, and he was drinking. We were all outside Alan's apartment, and Antonio went in to download music off the computer.

When he came back, Kale looks at him and says, "Hey, man. Your chick told me she's pregnant."

Of course, I said nothing of the sort.

But Antonio's shocked face was priceless. I looked kind of surprised myself, and said, "Well, why do you think I'm not drinking?" I should have said HOW DID YOU KNOW??? AM I SHOWING ALREADY???

then Antonio just said, "I need another drink."

haha!

**unhappiness**

anyway, I can't tell if he's still mad or anything. I'm worried =\

this sucks. but it could be worse ^^


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

LMAO!!! THAT PIC OF HIM IN THE PANTS CRACKS ME UP!!!!


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
which reminds me...thank you!
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Saturday, July 14, 2007

   oh.
sorry, I'm irritated right now... ><

Not necessarily annoyed -well, a little bit- but mostly restless.

Antonio's mad at me. Because I came to my dad's like always. He says I always blow him off -and I usually do. It's not like I want to, but as I've mentioned before, my parents OWN me. He got pissed when I said I was coming here.

I begged my mom not to make me, but she took me. I fucking hate this arrangement. I can't do anything with my friends or anyone when THEY'RE free. And it's fucking up my relationships.

Plus, my mom is such a damn bitch, when I tell her what I think, she just ignores me, or insults me, or yells at me.

Anyway. I'm just TIRED right now. Because a LOT of shit has happened.

First, thursday, I went to Belmar, got a haircut -it's like a fluffy Miyavi hairdo- and hung out with my sister a little.

Then, I hanged out with Antonio and his friends. They're pretty cool; they tease me a lot less than Leila.

But fuck. Antonio and I missed out on the WHOLE concert we paid $15 to get into and couldn't get refunds. Well, we DID see Lower Class Brats at the very end, and it was fun, but...

before that, one of his friends brought 2 girls he was dating to the same concert. Leila was drunk, and fucked up from it all. I don't really like her, but I'm not a bitch, and I don't abandon people when they're like that.

I spent all fucking night taking care of her -I don't blame her- and she was SICK. like, puking Bacardi everywhere.

Antonio and I were the only ones who bothered taking care of her, and finally we sent her home in a taxi. I was the one who paid.

But anyway. Now that he's mad at me, I'm really scared :( PISSED too. I've no confidence, and I'm really fucking worried that Antonio's gonna go out and fuck some other girl or something -something FUCKED UP- to get back at me.

FUCK. I hate this. I hate my dad. And I can't just tell him FUCK YOU LEAVE ME THE SHIT ALONE because last time I did that (but politer), he tried to kill himself.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK.

And I'm really scared of that shit Antonio did last time he was super pissed at me -calling me in the middle of the night, shit faced, blaming me, cussing at me, telling me how much better every other girlfriend was, depressed, that sort of shit- and he tried to dump me, too.

But...I dunno. I fucking hate this. FUCK. This is why I do my best to avoid conflict. Shows how damn much good it does me, though. I'm always fucking fighting with somebody.

I want him to call me, but I don't cos I'm scared. fuck.thank you!
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Thursday, July 12, 2007

   HAIR???
Like the kind in the drain, no!!!

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow **shivers** SCARY!!!! I always get scared doing that.

It's modeled after Miyavi. My sister helped me pick it out. She says I'm picky.

Hopefully, tomorrow I get it done. Also, going to a punk concert, again hopefully.

We'll see. I NEED A JOB. My mom told me not to come home until I get one **cries**


BWAHAHAHA!!!! the end cracked me up the msot. I love Sifl and Ollie.

oh, orientation!!! It went well. I am now officially a college student!!!! I have registered for classes :)

i'm tired, too.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
that little kid is my sister all over. Seriously!!!! Every time I say something, or touch her, she looks just like that and hollers RAPE

anyway. I'm tired, so after a few questions, I'll be off.


blah!!!!!!

my mom just came down here, bitching about me needing to get a job. But the one job I COULD get, at a casino where Alan works, she shuts down every time.

It's fucking annoying cos she tells me not to come home until I'm employed, but she shuts down any job opportunity that I can get. I think that she just likes to bitch. She isn't particularly mean, but she can be a -hate to say it about my own mom but I do anyway- bitch.

**looks at counter** only ___ til I leave, only ___ til I leave.

I need a damn job so I can live on my own!!!!! I don't want to depend on somebody who's favorite hobby is calling me a slut, moron, idiot, lazy, stupid, lying, decietful, selfish, mean, disrespectful, rude, inconsiderate, trash, bad, worthless, mistake --that about covers it of things my mom's called me/told me to my face.

at least my dad's only snide, and always looks down on me.

grr. my parents, though not the worst, are jerks. I'm tired of being yanked around and bossed around, and insulted when I try to do what they tell me to. I'm fucking TIRED of trying to make everyone happy and myself miserable, and failing at making people happy anyway.

heh. I make a bad hooker.

Questions
1.) Does your mom/dad act like you're an irresponsible slut most of the time?

2.) Are rules just meant to be broken, or do you like order?

3.) What's your favorite zoo?thank you!
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Monday, July 9, 2007

   back to chipper!
AH!!! yay!!! All my anxieties and neurosis have been pushed way down deep again, and all with the help of SLEEP DEPRIVATION!!! **scary voice**

Haha! I dunno why, but I just woke up feeling better. That's good. Maybe it's the excitement of my trip?

Today I leave. It's a really short trip, only 2 nights. But it's HISTORIC! because it's my first complete trip anywhere by myself. Of all the times I've traveled without my parents, I've either been with friends, or had a guide, as in Japan.

Although, I've REALLY been missing Mama and Naoko and my other friends there :( I remember all the fun, and one of my favorite parts was...school. I always wanted to go to Japanese high school, and I done it! even if the uniform cost too much for me to get one for a mere 2.5 weeks.

It was fun walking to the trainstop on my own, meeting my friends Mika and Yukiko at the next one, switching trains a bit after that, and walking the rest. It was fun coming back on my own too. The one day I stayed after school to use the computers (to check email and see what this "missile" buissiness whas about), Mika and Yukiko were SO worried about me, even though I didn't take long and met them at the trainstop anyway ^^

But yeah.

Responses:
First of all, thanks for the luck! ^^ I need it!

second...

NaeNae:
I know, isn't it lame advice? The part that really motivated me was the "giving up" bit, cos I felt like maybe I was. And part of it is kinda an inside thing. But, hey, when you're down, cliche crap sounds kinda good -funny, at least.

^^ and thanks for the support!

Questions:
1.) What is your favorite kind of cereal?

2.) What do you take for an upset stomach?

3.) How old were you when you started living on your own (if you have)? When/where would you like to live on your own in the future (if you haven't)?


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.netthank you!
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Sunday, July 8, 2007

   a sigh of relief
Well, I may not be ALL better, but I am much better.

I was upset. I get sad when I think about the fact that my bf likes his friends better than me -even the bitch I can't stand- or at least it seems that way. Maybe not. But come on, he spends his money on them, with them, he DOES things with them. he makes decisions with them.

with me it's always "shrug." we're always broke cos he spends his money going to FUCKING village Inn and drinking and shit with those dip-heads. does it occur to him that maybe I wanna do something with him, instead of sitting around the bloody house all damn day?!?!?!?!

**rages**

But last night, I posted a malicious, angry rant (short) on Myspace (yeah yeah yeah)...and the ONE person who replied said...not necessarily things of comfort, but they helped.

He said,"Normal? Sence when do you care about being normal? So you are finally giving up, huh? Well so much for Resistance... right? Listen, you need to just give it a little time. Dont give up! THEY want you to give up. So you can become another one of their puppets. Give them Hell! "

The first few sentences hit me hardest. He's right. It's not that I want to be NORMAL.

Just sane.

**sighs**

But tomorrow I'm going to Portland for orientation...so...yay!!!!

wish me lucks!!!!

**hugs**thank you!
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   argh!!! and not like the pirates
I went to see Transformers!!! yay!!!

if you care to discuss -I feel like it!- PM me cos, I don't wanna ruin it for anyone.

I'll post again later. Right now I'm too pissed, emo, depressed, suicidal, sick, crazy, FUCKED UP to say anything more. I'm gonna go rant in a private blog post.

Cos if I don't fucking write something -the truth, too- I'll spontaneously combust. Or puke. Or kill myself. I dunno what I will do. I wanna just fucking cut the shit out of myself, but no, I won't do that. I won't, I won't I won't, unless my nails find my skin.thank you!
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Saturday, July 7, 2007

   mmm! Malted Milk Balls...in my mouth =O
...I always watch Telemundo when there's nothing on. I don't watch sports, or crap. Even though this movie is about baseball in Africa...I think? I've not been paying too much attention.

blah!!! this is ages later...but...HOLY CRAP!!! This isn't about baseball at ALL!!! It's about...wtf...DINOSAURS??!?!?!!?? Dinosaurs in Africa...@.@

Los Videos Mas Asombros...(spelling?) why couldn't THAT be on???

Damn, China's all flooded.

that is the fakest looking Dinosaur I've ever seen...it looks cheaper than an amusement park ride

Pssh...Why do I give a shit about Cameron Diaz? She's a homewrecking whore -she was having an affair with a married man. AOL, don't tell ME how great she is. she's ugly like a martian, too.

hey I wonder if milk is flamable? HEY!!! THAT reminds me of a Simpsons' quote Mayte and I always used to say: "INflamable means flamable? What a country!"

Questions
1.) Why did you chose the job you have?

2.) Besides English, which language(s) do you know the most? (don't say NONE)

3.) Do you like messenger bags, backpacks, totes, or briefcases best?


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.netthank you!
Comments (1) | Permalink

   was this missing man abducted by modern-day pirates? i dunno, was he
heh. I was thinking about something that happened like 4 years ago! I had a bad, cheating boyfriend who, after dumping me, said really horrible things about me.

My friend was the first one to defend me. He didn't like the ex anyway, and as soon as he saw it happening, he defended me by mouth first, then, when that didn't work, he threatened to beat him up.

What brings this up? I was missing my friend, first of all. Second, last night, I was really depressed again. Antonio was trying to comfort me, and doing his best.

But when I told him what was bothering me- how i'm always anxious, nervous, and stressed, how I try to please everyone and wind up pissing everyone off, how I can't stand on my own two feet, that sort of thing, his advice, while caring and sincere, just makes me more nervous.

anyway. going to the creek tomorrow...yay!!!

Responses:
to Magnus Lensherr
Oh, yeah. If my mom moved, I'd definately stay in contact. Her house is literally my house!!! besides, I'll move out one day, anyway.

And...haha...quite the opposite. Our house is: a kitchen (not large), a dining/living area, 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, and a basement. It's just that housing over here is crazy expensive.

Hot Topic...well, it's OKAY...but they have a lot of overpriced, sell out junk. I like the local goth shops much much more. They just cost SO much, I can't afford it ><

and GreyCat:

You don't owe me back for year zero!!! it wasn't a problem at all!!! Save your cash!!!


my sister in february!!! hahathank you!
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Friday, July 6, 2007

   HOMG!!! MOVING!!!
WOW!!! My mom just told me she might move to Aurora. See, she works at Children's Hospital, which is moving this fall (right about the day my college starts!) way far away. Originally, she was gonna take the bus to save on gas money (she gets a bus pass as a benefit).

But after looking through the free catalog of homes for sale, she's realizing she could afford to move!!! One house was $93,000...our house is worth $180,000 @.@ even with all the houses forclosed upon around here.

it'd be kind of neat if she moved after I moved.

speaking of which, after living in the dorm and such this year...I might rent an apartment in Portland and live there year round...that'll be neat, huh!

We went to the mall today.

at Hot Topic, I got a green chinese style corset, a grey corset, a pair of capris, and the 2 for $25 tank tops. At the pet store...i got some rocks and plastic plants for the fish....he got mad when he saw the flower i put in his tank.

oh! Haha!! Dead bug stuck to the curtain cos I squished the nasty little...bugger. O.o

sheesh i'm so bored. I painted my fingernails...they look good, i guess. I do things half-assed all the time, and the nails are the same. The fingernails are cut too short (oops)...I painted them a sort of light, metallic green; real pretty. I WAS going to do designs on them in black with a toothpick, but that didn't go too well, and i'm not coordinated enough for that, anyway. So i did the tips black.

oh, as replies to my comments from yesterday...well, it's just for NaeNae, although it goes to everyone:

As to yesterday's art...heh. If i'm not in the mood for it, I really don't like to draw. I just don't care that much. Basically, all I LIKE to do is the eyes, hair, nose, mouth, eyelashes. everything else pisses me off. Especially, hands, coloring and clothes. It's just not practical for me to buy a "how to draw" book i'd never use.

heh. I'm soooo lazy ^^ sorry!!!


**watching Shallow Hal** bwahahahahaha it's comedy and lame and cheezy, but it IS sweet. and kinda funny. I always thought this, but looks don't matter. Well, I want to be pretty and all, but that's the least important thing in the world. Someone who wouldn't like me because of the way I look isn't worth my time, anyway.

ok, Ants is coming over in a few...so I'll leave you with a few questions:

1.) Are you comfortable with yourself -personality, talents, appearance, etc?

2.) What's your favorite online comic?

3.) How would you explain video games?


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.netthank you!
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Thursday, July 5, 2007

   for once...HAPPY?!?!?!?!?!?
Then, my dad and I went for a lovely "hike" in El Dorado Canyon. Being near the mountains is really nice; Colorado's mountains and wilderness areas are GORGEOUS. I have some pics I'll upload another time, maybe. The flatirons and steep cliffs are so dramatic. There are also so many gorgeous plants. We even found some raspberry plants on the trail and ate a couple berries.

Well, the hike was really easy, cos my dad couldn't take a slight incline.

then, i went home to my mom's. Our crazy neighbors always lighting fireworks. I wonder if my sis and them lit the neighbor's yard on fire again?

I was just wondering when our neighbors are going to blow one of their kids up...seriously!!! they let those little kids play with some hard core fireworks!!!

anyway. Tomorrow i'm off to the mall!!! ^^ yay.

oh, and here's photobucket copies of the fan art I submitted. Since the characters are not popular, I included who it's supposed to be. Look in portfolio for them to be up soon, please!!! thank you!!!


this is Sheila from Superior, by Ichtys.
sorry about the background ><



and this is Shihoudou...it really doesn't become her personality. but it looks more like her than the ONLY pic I could find of her >

and a new note...

KYAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! I better get a L'ame Immortelle CD SOON!!!!!!!!! I don't care which one; I LOVE THE BAND!!!! You know how NaeNae loves Jrock, or LordSesshomaru loves Nilla Wafers, or how my sister loves Miyavi and Gackt and techno, etc?

I LOVE L'AME IMMORTELLE THAT MUCH!!! The band I like better is NINE INCH NAILS. and right now I'm psycho for L'ame Immortelle... **dies**thank you!
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