Sunday, February 11, 2007

   irritated as a wasp
...cos what's more irritable than a wasp? well, maybe a yellowjacket, a hornet, a bee, an ant, a mother bear, a cat...you get the picture. i'm irritated.

why? because of this morning. This crappy, crappy morning. First, my dad starves me (i can't NOT eat SOMETHING in the morning without having a bitch-fit all day) so i'll have a big appetite at the restaraunt.

Then, as we discuss my college and i mention that I want to go to portland, he scowls. Then, he says, "I don't want you to go to college so far away; i won't hardly get to see you."

I about snapped my water glass. Excuse me?! Not ONLY is it my choice where I go to college, espcecially considering he won't be paying for any of it, he's a complete, 200% hypocrite.

He went to college in Idaho. His family was in Georgia. Of course, he didn't get along with them, and he and i get along so "well." **rolls eyes** yeah, right.

But, worst of all, a few years ago, he was going to move to the fucking UKRAINE. okay. EUROPE. EASTERN EUROPE. That is about 10 times farter away from Denver than Portland. That's an OCEAN and then some away. In addition to the fact that I was 13 when he started talking about this. In addition to the fact that i was standing right there and 15 when he threatened to kill himself and my mother if he couldn't go move, and if she wouldn't stop pestering him for child support. In additon to the fact that he's missed over half of my birthdays. In addition to the fact that he's never paid for anything for me. In addtion to the fact that he RIDICULES every talent, hope, dream, thought, and ideal I have. In addition to the fact that he sometimes skips his time with me, without even a phone call.

Jeez. No wonder i can't WAIT to leave. Are you fucking kidding me, you dumb bastard?! I don't get along with either parent all that well, but, OH, did he piss me off today. I wanted to leave.

shit. what right does he have to tell me where to go to college, or what to study? It's not like i'm going to stay in colorado my whole life, anyway. I HATE it here. it's dry, it's ugly, it's lame...I like the northwest better.

it's my life, and HELL if i let him chose what I do with it. He's already ruined enough of it, including my social life, my trust towards men, and my sweetness. Yes, believe it or not, i used to be a sweet, sweet girl. I still try, but it's like he's infected me with this anger. He may be my father, but he really isn't my dad.

i wish i was a straight-up bastard and didn't even know him.thank you!
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Friday, February 9, 2007

   gonna go watch the simpsons
this is something cheezy i wrote for a scholarship, then decided it makes me look too much like a psycho. but it's a barely decent piece of writing, and i would hate for it to be forever lost.

it's such a shame there's an 800 word limit for this, because the essay i COULD have written, in 1500 words, was BEAUTIFUL. the essay i did write is okay, but seems too short compared to how it began

"I felt like someone had cut off my air, like I was sinking under the ocean, with darkness and intense pressure everywhere. I forced myself to ignore that feeling, became more depressed. I did not know what to do; I did not trust my father, and I fought too much with my mother to trust her, either. My friends were too immature to understand what I was feeling. As I felt the pressure more and more, I grew frantic, and found solace in something terrible: cutting.

At first, I would only cut to bleed, to release tension. Then, the cuts became deeper, and more violent. I wanted my body to hurt, so that I would deserve the pain I felt inside. After all, what right did I, a privileged American with no real strife, have to feel so bad? My skin became more and more scarred, and, when people I loved seemed to notice but not care, I spiraled. Many troubled people cut themselves, but it felt like nobody understood, still. When the only person I cared about stopped caring about me, life lost its meaning.

I had dreamt of getting better, falling in love, helping people, and having children, but when I felt utterly alone, I became suicidal. Because of my fears of eternal damnation and, as I see it now, will to live, my attempts were weak, and fell through for one reason or another at the last minute. I did not try to kill myself every day, but I lived with the self-loathing because of the thought, and the guilt from giving up every day.


The bad thoughts consumed me, and I lived with them for over a year. Finally, one night, I hit rock bottom, and went to my mother, begging her to save me. I felt so weak, and powerless, and dirty. She took me to the doctor, who suggested I begin to see a psychologist.

When I did, I found that talking eased the pressure I felt. My psychologist explained to me the thought behind the cutting: that I needed to deserve the depression. He said that I did not deserve it; it just happens to some people. After eight months of therapy, I stopped cutting, lost the suicidal thoughts, and began to believe in myself, even just a little bit. I got hope.

Hope is very important to me now. I understand that nothing is going to be the way I want it to be, but life is what you make it. My lowest points in life are due to my own weaknesses, though the depression was not my fault. Looking back on the whole experience, I am truly ashamed that I gave up, and resorted to such destructive means of coping. I learned from it, though. Never again will I give up. If I get depressed again, I will find someone to talk to. I will write bad poetry. I will cry, something I neglected to do in the past. Anything positive to keep me going, to keep me as strong as I am now, I will do.


There is always something worth living for, and even if it seems far away, it is still within grasp. When the weight of the ocean is pressing all around, there is someone willing to talk, to take some of that weight away. When they do no believe me, when they say that I “don’t know what I’m talking about,” and that they are all alone, I show them my scars. I have a lot of scars. Many of them have faded, but some never will. Nevertheless, the reality is there: sometimes, it is just that bad , but I am living, smiling proof that things do get better. "


no lyrics today.

Newspaper's coming along well. kind of. anyway, it's coming (tee hee hee hee that's what he said!)

oh and my condolences to Anna Nicole Smith and family. Mainly her baby daughter. It's my belief that we lie in the beds we make, but sometimes, shit happens TO you, like to Smith's kids. and her poor, fatherless daughter. I hope that kid gets taken care of soon. the poor son, already too late for him. that family's a wreck; they'll never know each other. the daughter won't know her big brother or mother...thank you!
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Thursday, February 8, 2007

   dammit Blockbuster
...or, Dammit, Antonio! I cannot afford to get charged extra cos you lost the game...oh well, it was an accident, and SHIT HAPPENS. I'm trying to make that my motto.

Shit Happens. Deal with it instead of bitching about it. Unfortunately, I love to bitch.

And I have murderous...symptoms. I wanted to die, or possibly kill, but that's beside the point.

Hrm...What else is new...

oh, valentine's day is next week. Sucks. I have a boyfriend and i HATE V-Day anyway. It's like, "Why the fuck do i need a day to have someone show their love for me? It's just people trying to make money." I want to celebrate my love every day, not just once, and all the other times be blase.

I love Halloween though :)

Oh, have you seen those commercials for Kay Jewelers? Something along the lines of "every kiss begins with K" yeah they always advertise their jewelery as "cheap." so does Tom Shane.

Who would buy their wife cheap jewelery? put it in a different box so they don't know.

hrm. homework to be done, but I'll never do it. It's funny, though. I've had Senioritis since about...sophomore year. possibly freshman. But this is my senior year, and it's my least lazy year to date. Sometimes, i DO my homework. and not in class!!!

...I'm terrible. I have the WORST study habits and homework habits...basically, I NEVER study, and RARELY do my homework. I need to work on that.

...eh. but i'm tired :)

we'll see :)

I'm sorry. I know she's plain ol POP, but I like LILY ALLEN


"Take What You Take"

A picture paints a thousand words,
As one door closes, another door opens,
And two wrongs don't make a right
Now good things come to those who wait,
Take the highs with the lows dear,
You'll get what your given and everything's gonna be alright.

What the fuck do you know?
Just cos you're old you think your wise,
But who the hell are you though,
I didn't even ask for your advice
You wanna keep your mouth shut,
You wanna take your thoughts elsewhere,
Cos you're doing in my nut,
And do you think I care?

[Chorus:]
Say what you say,
Do what you do
Feel what you feel,
As long as it's real.
I said take what you take
And give what you give
Just be what you want,
Just as long as it's real.

Now by a horse, I once was told
That all that glitters is not gold
And all that is to fear is fear itself.
This horsey also told me,
I should keep my friends close but my enemies closer,
So as to protect myself.

What the fuck do you know?
Just cos you're old you think your wise,
But who the hell are you though,
I didn't even ask for your advice
You wanna keep your mouth shut,
You wanna take your thoughts elsewhere,
Cos you're doing in my nut,
And do u think care?


anyone know where i can find the song "nan you're a window" or something?

thank you!
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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

   ack
I saw that movie "The Messengers." It was crapola. Literally. Just a rip off of The Grudge, which is a rip off of a Japanese movie...bleh. it wasn't scary. just big noise and ugly things

did i already mention this?

oh no a 6th grader wants to kick someone's ass...i'm so scared.

g2g see yathank you!
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Friday, February 2, 2007

   computer illiterate morons
...like my mom. Yesterday, I was filling out scholarship applications online, and she got all "uuuuhhhh" with me. Yelling at me like it's MY fault the site didn't come with instructions (not my fault) she makes everything complicated.

Oh damn, now they're laughing at me. stupid friends. they're in hysterics. Thanks for standing up for me Dino

anywho, I think sheer, DUMB LUCK is the only kind of luck i will ever have...

example: yesterday, I was randomly checking my "professional email" which I used on college applications.

I noticed something that said, "Scholarship application approaching." and it was dated 1/24/07

I opened it, it was from Portland State. The application was due February 1. yesterday. I finished the application 3 hours and 47 minutes before it was due. I almost had a panic attack because it said it requires letters of reccommendation...luckily, i only had to give names and emails.

Sheer. Dumb. Luck.


NINE INCH NAILS LYRICS

"Home"

Everything
Is catching up with me
I awake
To find i'm not at all where I
Should be
And it feels
I'm getting to the end
And it's hard
To figure out what's real
And what's
Pretend

To break from what
We're tied to
God knows
How much i've tried to

And I am still inside you
And I am still inside you

I escape
Every now and then
And to think
I find myself
Back here again
And again

I used to know who I was
Untill you came along
I return
To the only place
I've ever felt
That I belong

To break from what
We're tied to
God knows
How much i've tried to

And I am still inside you
And I am still inside you



me love-ah NIN

it's freezing balls out here. it was like -9 degrees f outside. i walked for about 20 feet, and almost got a bloody nose

damnthank you!
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Thursday, February 1, 2007

   clarification
just a quick note to say

Yes there is a difference between whining and being depressed. And most of my FRIENDS have had really rough times. But most of the kids in my school are spoiled rich kids.

And my friend is NOT a whiner, just so you know... she's one of the least whiny people I know.

as for other news, i'm not real tired, just sick of school. i did get around to FINALLY putting Japan on tape to send to my host mother. It's been like 8 months since I saw her (when I left) i hope she isn't mad

damn i hate being in schoolthank you!
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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

   stupid crappy computer
AFI LYRICS

"The Mother In Me"

Caught in a world that's plagued by something they call love.
A paradigm of illness
is the beast I have become.
The sights that I have seen could nearly bring me to my knees.
I've seen exactlty what it is I never want to be,
But I keep it deep inside myself.
It's within me.
Keep it deep within yourself and sink with me.
Last night I had the misfortune to see it all first hand.
"Evacuate the premises" was the innate first command.
What drives the need for all of this?
And will I ever understand?
Has someone failed to tell me of this master plan?
But I keep it deep inside myself.
It's within me.
Keep it deep within yourself and sink with me.

I had a nice post written, and it all went to hell cos my stupid computer froze. Add that to my patchy blue-blonde-brown hair, and you gotta...well, ok i'm always kinda mad, but RAWR!!!

Oh well. No place to start but from the beginning.

So, last week, this PIG of a girl, Lupe, comes in, Bitch about Mayte and I eating Chinese food without her. She's already eaten her lunch, but she still waddles over to eat OUR Lo Mein without asking.

Today, John ate a burrito. Then he ate some of her Chinese food. She came in BITCHING about it!!!! I was laughing my ASS off!!! Her comeuppance!!! Payback's a BITCH! She even said, "stupid john, he had his chipotle, and then he has to come over and steal my food! how RUDE" which is very nearly the same thing Mayte and I'd said last week.

haaa...that was the highlight of my day.

Oh, and BIG NEWS!!! The word "Retarded" is being replaced with "Sophomoric" when used to describe people who are acting stupid. Because "Retard" is such a hurtful word, It's TIME to spread the replacement around...

SOPHOMORIC!!! and instead of retard, Sophomore!!!

again, payback's a bitch.

My mom and I were talking about College today...I am sad about it, in some ways, but I'm probably going to Portland State...We'll see... =\

My friend, Marichan, is very "sick" right now...She's been depressed, and she's cutting again. She's even a little suicidal, i think. I know she WANTS to live, but I want her to get over this. No one should kill themselves, and she's no exception. I can't say she's too important, because that implies that a person of less or no importance to me is worthless, which isn't true. I just see her as having too much potential to change the world for the better.

Have you ever heard of Doctors Without Borders? I think it's a great program!!! Spoiled people, like most Americans, get to thinking that life is the same everywhere, or that American lives are the most important. I disagree; it doesn't matter WHAT nationality you are; everyone's human and deserves decent medical care. No nation is more important than another.

I feel that I am very lucky to be an American, and be so blessed with freedom and opportunity, but I still feel that many Americans are not doing their part to improve the lives of others, be they American or otherwise. It's the Honest-to-God-Truth that most Americans only care about themselves and getting richer and more powerful. Look at these companies, like WalMart or HomeDepot, where the CEO's make MILLIONS and MILLIONS of dollars, while the basic worker doesn't make enough to make ends meet. And the foreign workers get paid even LESS. They're just taking advantage of people to make themselves "happier."

I read something recently that said MOST American teenagers' #1 dream is to be rich. The most common definition of "Success" is riches. And they're all being spoiled.

With me, I think "Success" is being happy with your life, and treating others right. You have to try your best at whatever you do, but it doesn't mean "rich" to me. For example, you could be dirt poor, but you could be a success because you raised your kids into caring, respectful people. And being a good parent is a more important success than being rich, I think.

Anyway, I'm too opinionated :) And Doctors Without Borders is a wonderful program. Were I a medical person, I'd join it in a heartbeat!thank you!
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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

   studying is the pits, but at least it's not the Brad Pitts!
Just a quick follow up on yesterday's post...

my friend's birthday (and mine for that matter) would have been crappy no matter what day it was. Don't you hate it when people blame you for stuff that is 100% not your fault, hold things over your head, and then, when they say they've forgiven you, still bitch about it constantly and make you feel bad, when you can't apologize anymore, and you feel like dirt as it is?

Although, her ex's life must be SUCKING right now. Not that I feel sorry for him, just his baby. I always feel sorry for the kid cos it isn't their fault they got stuck with morons, deadbeats, or assholes for parents.

And, if a guy I was dating ever cheated on me and got that girl pregnant, sure i'd be pissed, tell him to take care of his kid, and dump his unfaithful, lousy self, but I had a thought today:

I'd thank my lucky stars and GOD above that SHE got pregnant and not ME.

anyway on to better news...well...I haven't got any!!! no bad news, either.

Hrm...

Oh!!! I saw Pan's Labrynth on Saturday...It's in Spanish with subtitles...it's an EXCELLENT movie. I can't tell you the details because I don't want to ruin it for you. All I can say is, it was one of the best movies i have EVER seen. It was beautiful, poignant, and original. The story was a fancy and a horrible reality. I could empathize (to a lesser degree) with many of the characters. It's not a "chick flick" and it's not an "action-violence" film. It has violence, and that has to do with the message, but it's not the entire point.

Go see it!!!

Last weekend, I saw Letters from Iwo Jima (Tegami no kara Iwo Jima, i think) It was good, but it was heartbreaking. I didn't like it as much as Pan's Labrynth because although it was in Japanese, and I love to hear Japanese, it was just too sad. I mentioned this movie before.

Oh, and I saw "Cannibal Holocaust." It's fucking Brutal!!! It's not about gore, it's just disgusting. I can agree with the general message, but those bastards who made it have no fucking subtlety WHATSOEVER!!! They killed animals -real, live animals, who screamed as they were being cut open and eaten- just to make a fucking movie. And then, although at least this wasn't real, these fucking guys RAPED a girl, in the mud, then impaled her. TO SHOW A RAPE IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!! Those people make me sick. I hope their dreams crash into so much filth.

Sensationalist bastards. Just because it's really happening doesn't mean you have to kill an endangered animal, or show the rape of a young teenage girl. Damn. Use subtlty. Insinuate, but don't tell.

Cos, don't get me wrong, i'm not against eating meat, and you gotta kill the animal somehow. And the animals we buy dead at the supermarket aren't killed mercifully. But damn, at least we aren't killing them to make a point or anything. Cos they DO eat the animals in the movie, but the thing that gets me is, they kill them cruelly, and, worst of all, THEY DON'T NEED TO KILL THOSE POOR ANIMALS!!!

damn. I'm all worked up now. Better go study.

jaa ne!!!!thank you!
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Monday, January 29, 2007

   a bad bir thday
I feel bad for my friend; she had a shitty birthday.

I know how she feels; my birthday sucked really bad.

Now we're talking about things that guys do.

she's so smart ^__^ I really **heart** her

here's some lyrics i love; they're so pretty. I wanna see 300 cos they have NIN lyrics


NINE INCH NAILS LYRICS

"I'm Looking Forward To Joining You, Finally"

as black as the night can get
everything is safer now
there's always a way to forget
once you learn to find a way how

in the blur of serenity
where did everything get lost?
the flowers of naivete
buried in a layer of frost

the smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

thought he had it all before they called his bluff
found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough
wanted to go back to how it was before
thought he lost everything
then he lost a whole lot more

a fool's devotion
swallowed up in empty space
the tears of regret
frozen to the side of his face

the smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

I've done all I can do
could I please come with you?
sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes


this song is something i can really relate to...kinda sad, and nostalgic...i'm often nostalgic ^__~thank you!
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Friday, January 26, 2007

   hazukashikatta
woops. I won't go into details, but it was pretty embarrassing today...and funny. The lunchlady hates me now. I won't go in the lunchroom ever again.

She looked at me like she wanted to kill me. She just STARED, and she didn't blink for about a minute. I swear, I saw hellfire in her eyes, and the theme from "The Omen" (you know, "Damien Damien" all opera-y) started playing **shivers**

here are some lyrics from Blink 182


Going Away To College
Please take me by the hand
It's so cold out tonight
I'll put blankets on the bed
I won't turn out the light

Just don't forget to
Think about me
And I won't forget you
"I'll write you once a week", she said

Why does it feel the same
To fall in love or break it off
And if young love is just a game
Then I must have missed the kick off

Don't depend on me
To ever follow through on
Anything, but
I'd go through Hell for you and

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared, so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me

I'll think about the times
She kissed me after class and
She put up with my friends
I acted like an ass

I'd ditch my lecture
To watch the girls play soccer
Is my picture
Still hanging in her locker?

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared, so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared, so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful


Blink 182 made some of the most teen-appropriate love songs.

ugh my mom is so mean. I don't see her all day and she gets home like at 8, yelling at me from the start, even when I try to help her.

I'd rather clean the litterbox than deal with her shit, acting like i'm no good, not busy, and not fucking tired >=[

anyway, i'm goodthank you!
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