Friday, December 8, 2006

   I'm not the one with the problem....
...except that she keeps bugging me. I don't do anything; i obey her as best as can be expected from a normal teenager. i'm not a nerd or a kiss ass; i disobey sometimes. And i'm not that helpful, but honestly, it isn't fair.

she kills me with every hateful word she says; how am i supposed to protect myself without pissing her off? Of course i won't talk, anything i have to say is worthless, if not evil.

If i cry, she comes in all, "I don't want things to be like this between us, it's our last few months together"

well, guess what!!! I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't pick fights, I never even defend myself, even if she breaks a cup, yells at me when i wasn't there, because it was "my fault" and screams.

If she wasn't constantly PISSED at me, and if she could refrain from taking her problems out on me, and stop blaming me, we wouldn't have anything wrong. I would be more willing to help out. After all, would YOU want to help someone who blames you for everything wrong in their life, blames you for their bad day when you barely even saw them?

of course i don't. and i HATE it when she complains about stuff like, "i do so much for you" well, what the hell does she want???? Laundry, for example. She does it because "i don't know how" (which i do) and i'll "break the washer/dryer" (which i won't). And she won't teach me crap, so how am i supposed to learn?

NEVER volunteer yourself for something, especially silently, without anyone asking it of you, and then bitch about it to them.

I desperately want to be a good daughter, i've spent my whole life trying to please her, and she isn't, so i guess my life's one fucking waste. I was fine for a while, but then she started her shit because of personal problems, and now i'm teetering on the edge. It's like, how the fuck should i do it? Don't fucking think i wouldn't, i would, i would, i would. With a gun, poison, hanging? This hatred is the poison that feeds me, fuels me, and is ripping me apart. I can't stand it any longer; it's infected my blood, and my heart is rotted because of it. I just want to die, to make her suffer, to punish myself, to just STOP all this.

Because i don't know how much longer i can take it.

What on earth did i ever do to her that was so horrible? be born, i guess. That's what they all say...thank you!
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   but i like it
Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge is a cool manga, and i like the Anime too....i've been watching it to forget my present situation!

but now it is late! oyasumi ne!thank you!
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Thursday, December 7, 2006

   you must listen to THE VINCENT BLACK SHADOW
dreadfully, terribly, ever-so sorry...do you care? well, guess what! I'm busy!!! got accepted to my 3rd choice college already!!!!!!! :D i hadnt even applied to my second choice yet!!! ><

so what's up? not much with me, but i am in love with a band called "THE VINCENT BLACK SHADOW" so you must listen to them...they're on my music playa up there!

ummm let's see...well, i went to an awesome concert Tuesday, got signed by Chris Kirkham, of TVBS...SUPER sexy guy!!! look at his sexiness <3

I fell in LOVE, and though Antonio doesn't appreciate it, guys are often more lustful than girls, and I only lust after someone i have -0% chance of "connecting with"

...ew...

here's the whole band, btw. The guys are all Kirkhams...brothers!!! Robbi also signed me, and he's SUPER nice!!! he was talking about how Denver reminds him of Vancouver (?!) my friends and I were awe-struck. I was retarded and didn't get CK to sign my ticket stubb >< but I bought a cd signed <3 go me!



can you tell i suck at photo editing?? i copied and pasted... ><

the whole band...Super-sexy Cassie Ford is my idol...she's so pretty and she sings like fuck (in the good way). If i married a girl, i would marry her <3 plus, she is scared of water...I AM SCARED OF WATER...and fish

doH! I'm rambling!!!

Anyway, i've been OK except for my mom's stress pissing me off...before, i was kinda iffy about college, and now, i can't wait. she's been being such a jerk. always yelling at me, complaining about all the things she does for me, then turning around and calling me a "whiner" and calling me a bitch, and a slut. and she picks fights. I seriously don't know how much longer i can take her antaganism. hell, i don't even talk. she yells, i accept it, and she does all this stuff, and i just accept it, and i rarely talk back, and i try to follow the rules, and somehow, despite me bending backwards, i'm the "bad one" she won't even believe me that my arms are so screwed up i can't hardly lift them over my head! ARGH!

well, bitching aside, i'm okay...yup! :) I'LL TRY TO COME AROUND MORE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT BECOMES OF MY 'TRYING'

:Pthank you!
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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

   busy busy
sorry guys!!!!! it's been a go-go-go week, i'm super busy!!!! and i've been...it sucks!!!

anyway, just to let you know, i'm okay, alive, the treasurer for my school's National Honor Society...how did THAT happen?, and i am in the semi finals for that scholarship! WHAT?! i don't get itthank you!
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Thursday, October 19, 2006

   i'm old
sheesh...it's so weird...I will be 17 on monday... i know i am one of the youngest seniors, but i feel really old...

hey, i know i'm not, but it sure seems like it, going to school with 6th graders who are 10 still!!!!! @>@ oh God!

Hopefully i can get stinkin drunk, and look drop dead sexy in my vomit covered goth dress... just kidding, i just hope i don't look entirely like a fat cow, or possibly a killer whale...

damn i wish i was "hot" but with brains...i've just got a FEW brains about me, but people expect it.

anyway, funny story...anyone missing a guinea pig? i found one in my yard monday...if no one claims him, he shall be the senior class's pet!!! I've named him "Lucky 07" as in (oh seven)

oh SEVEN!!!!!!!!! WOOT!!!!!!!

i love my grade, our seniors at DCIS are soo cool...almost everybody we hate is gone :) we're so sexy awesomethank you!
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Thursday, October 12, 2006

it isn't all misfortune
yeah, i have a lot of problems, but don't we all? I just like to complain about them here!!!

Actually, in real life, i'm pretty different than i am here...

I mean, of course I get sulky, but generally, I'm always smiling or telling dirty jokes, or making double entendres...what the hell did i just here, some guy saying "i realized i was sexually molested when i was thirteen years old" from the tv upstairs?!

anyway, in real life, i kind of act differently...Like, if I have a problem, i might SAY something, but i tend not to show any emotion, except extreme anger, and i try to curb that. In public, you would think i was a rather stupid, ditzy girl bent on making the world corrupt. At home, I'm really bratty...inside, I am quite angry...

that's why i come here! because I can bitch about my innermost feelings truthfully, and keep up my cheerfully cold exterior without pain. You guys matter a lot to me, as people and friends, but since i will most likely never meet any of you in real life, I am not afraid to have you judge me negatively.

but inside, there is that anger and sadness, which are pretty much the same thing, in me, and if not, they alternate back and forth faster than i can keep track of them. so that's where all the complaints come from.

Life is hard, and i keep wishing for it to get hit by a bus and put in a persistant vegetative state for a few days, just so i could rest, but if it ain't happenin, i guess i'll just fall behind. I hate myself enough anyway, a little more won't hurt. :D

as for LS's comments...THANK YOU for your support... "you may pass...maybe" or something like that....

geez!!!!!! It's not like it's THAT bad...I can probably pull off a C in calculus, with 79%...(because the percents are worth different in AP classes...a B is like up to 95%)

and I have like 62% in AP physics, so lesse...If i get up to 65%, i have a D, and also, he is considering changing the way things are graded, going back to traditional grading and allthank you!
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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

   equilibrium
well, my friend is doing OK, as well as can be expected, or better. The funeral was...ok, nice as far as a funeral can go, but you know...sucked as funerals generally do. A lovely service, but still so sad.

Nate is doing really well, laughing and all...maybe he is masking his pain? but if he won't dwell on it, i won't drag him down by doing so. His mom won't be forgotten, but she won't be constantly brought up, either.

anyway, onto me...I'm failing AP Physics (barely) and passing AP Calculus (Barely!) Just 3 more percents in each class would raise me up to a D and a C respectively. Considering 9-week grades close the 20th, i'm screwed. Hopefully i did well on that last test.

Gosh. And let's see...newspaper has money, i'm working on scholarships, other classes are fine, Thursday is my senior seminar, kind of nervous...\

oh, and I don't have any time any more. my mom is always mad at me; it isnt fair how she treats me, but who gives a crap? i never have time. Antonio is like..a once-a-week treat...I sometimes wonder if my mom hates him or something, but i hope not, cos i love him.

fudge, i am so cold. and sleepy. jaa nee!!!!!!thank you!
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Friday, October 6, 2006

   it's a doubler
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

However, and unfortunately, Nate's mother died Tuesday night. We are going to her funeral tomorrow, and I just want to say may God be with their entire family, especially her sons.

She was a truly good woman. What happened was, she had terrible seizures on Saturday, and wound up in a coma. Nobody could have done anything. She was not expected to survive. She died without waking up.

Just, please continue to bless Nate with your thoughts and prayers. He needs all the strength and support he can get. I will do anything I can for my friend, and as my friends, I ask that you do the same for him.

I don't know how to react, exactly, but anything for Nate...I'm ashamed to say i'm glad it wasn't my mother, but at the same time, I REALLY wish it wasn't his mother...why couldn't it have been a cow or a chicken or somebody who loved and were loved only by themselves? Why should someone with so many people loving her and depending on her die so soon? Well, she was suffering, and it was no one's fault. It's unfair, but at least she didn't suffer for long...

:( It's too sad. I have really conflicting thoughts on this, like it's good she didn't suffer, but why did she have to go so unexpectedly? and who's to say she didn't suffer?

anyway, just please keep Nate and his family in your thoughts for the next few days/weeks/months...

thank youthank you!
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Thursday, October 5, 2006

   Thank you
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

However, and unfortunately, Nate's mother died Tuesday night. We are going to her funeral tomorrow, and I just want to say may God be with their entire family, especially her sons.

She was a truly good woman. What happened was, she had terrible seizures on Saturday, and wound up in a coma. Nobody could have done anything. She was not expected to survive. She died without waking up.

Just, please continue to bless Nate with your thoughts and prayers. He needs all the strength and support he can get. I will do anything I can for my friend, and as my friends, I ask that you do the same for him.

I don't know how to react, exactly, but anything for Nate...I'm ashamed to say i'm glad it wasn't my mother, but at the same time, I REALLY wish it wasn't his mother...why couldn't it have been a cow or a chicken or somebody who loved and were loved only by themselves? Why should someone with so many people loving her and depending on her die so soon? Well, she was suffering, and it was no one's fault. It's unfair, but at least she didn't suffer for long...

:( It's too sad.thank you!
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Tuesday, October 3, 2006

   Please...
My problems are A.) resolved, and B.) insignificant now...

Could you PLEASE pray -or hope, whatever anything, I don't care what you believe, just send some good feelings and wishes- to my friend, Nate...He's not on here or anything, but he's in a really bad situation.

His birth dad died a few years ago, and his mom has some medical problems, epilepsy, i think, and he's really sad today, like, brokenhearted, because right now his mom is in the hospital.

I've met his mom; she's a really nice person, so friendly, but that's beside the point. She's Nate's world...She's all he has!!!

He was crying today, saying she might DIE. I don't know the situation, but I'm thinking that's jumping the gun....Still, it wouldn't hurt for them to get all the good feelings they can...

so, please, just remember Nate and his mom in your prayers or whatever...I'm really worried and scared for him :( think how bad it must be for poor Nate!!!!!!!! T.Tthank you!
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