Sunday, October 1, 2006

   why do they do that?
out of sheer boredom, i was ranking pictures on myspace...And i noticed something....

there are a lot of people taking pics of themselves in their Underwear, or taking pics of their ass...what the hell? Ok, i know it's the "sexy" thing to do...but I really don't want ANYONE to look at my ass like that, and I really don't want to see anybody ELSE's ass...

for real, it's a BUTT. they're all bragging about their butt...shut the butt up!!!!!!! >< it's like...dude...i can't even describe it. i mean, my ass is okay, but i don't want people to look at it on purpose!!! >< perverts

Boob shots are just as bad. I mean, sometimes you more or less can't help having cleavage hang out a LITTLE, but when it's shoved up there up to their chin...or whatever!!!!!! I hate that...

these girls have no respect for themselves. How long were women objectified? And still are...but before, they worked to be thought of as PEOPLE...now, have people just given up? Has the media or whatever so influenced these girls that they'd rather show off their bodies than use their brains?

I sound all femmenist right now, and that isn't me, but COME ON. you have to agree that these girls must have SOMETHING better to do than take pictures of their body, not even for ART, just so men -probably dirty old men- will leer at them?
thank you!
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Friday, September 29, 2006

   everything will be alright if you let it
Well, I guess Antonio and I aren't fighting...not that I really do any of it...I just piss him off, he leaves, i try to give him enough space to calm down.

but i really need to stop with my shit, man....it's fucking him up just as much as it is me...so that's it. I'm going to stop being so selfish, or at least try...

anyway, i'm not feeling like...anything. You know? Like i'm hollow. I get hungry, but then i throw up, so i'm not eating. I came home early from school yesterday, and i did not go today. It's okay. At least I got to talk to Antonio.

I thought of something, too. It's dumb, but sort of true...it's like this...in anyone's voice

"just because i'm pissed doesn't mean I don't love you"

stupid life. cough cough. I want to be a robot. rawrthank you!
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Thursday, September 28, 2006

   I sneezed
I've been waiting to sneeze all day...thank God...

Today has been one of the worst days... :( it sucked. I had to walk to school, feel sick, and then teh worst part happened.

i got out of school, Antonio and I were getting wasted, then I got depressed, cut myself, he got mad (understandably) and left...in case you didn't know, i hate for people to leave in bad situations, even though i was acting like a lunatic.

when he was leaving, whenever anyone leaves, it's the end of the world. I don't know how to react to people well, so fighting with them is really hard on me. I scared myself by thinking, as he was leaving, that i would KILL MYSELF, not just for revenge, like that would solve everything, like that was the thing to do. I was SCARED. It wasn't a passing thought, it was an overwhelming drive, an overwhelming NEED, all of this shit coming up to the surface, that I was just going to end it all and maybe have peace.

Or anything, it didn't matter, i just wanted to die. To DIE. Do you understand? It wasn't like...my usual thinking, it was my OLD thinking, the kind i'd forgotten about. Like, nothing matters, like i'm just dirt waiting to happen. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand how bad it is... :(

I called my friend Mari, who is an angel for talking to me so long, so patiently...It was really bad...I feel guilty for using her like that, but she really helped...we're a lot alike, see...

anyway, in other news, some girl died in a mountain high school, due to hostage situations...sucks man...my heart goes out to her family...

and yeah, I know my 15% was worse than bad...it's dreadful...pathetic.

I sincerely hate myself...thank you!
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

   owwwwwwww
not necessarily in a GOOD mood, but it is better...now if only i weren't so tired :X

Julie will be a good girl, she promises...but now I know one more thing to refuse...**throws up**

**achoo** i'm too sick to be bad

Does everyone think I'm like...some anti-religion, anti-everything hippie person? It's not true...LOL i promise!!! I pray to God (almost) every day, I just have a LOT of bad days, and get grumpy by the time I need to post... ><

OH!!!!!!!! Guess what I got on my AP Physics test last week!!!!!!!!

got your guess? yeah?

15 points out of 100...that's 15/100...like 15 cents out of a dollar...I hate myself...

on the other hand, math is improving :) yay!!!!!!! And um...I love Japanese...English is ok...hate connections...

Oh, let's just say i hate almost everything...it saves so much time.

but know who I don't hate? YOU cos you're awesome!thank you!
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

   I, for once, said the right thing
Don't you think there are enough problems in the world, that people should just learn to let the little things go? I sure do...but i am unable to commit to that, being a basically forgiving, but evil little bitch like i am...just goes to show the state of the world :( how depressing

Anyway, another bad day today, but I was quite happy to fend off an arguement by admitting my irritable mood, and suggesting that tomorrow i will feel better and to ask me for favors then... yay!

but i seriously have been pissed off an abnormal amount...if i didn't believe that homicide is wrong...somebody'd be a bit bloody right about now...grrrrrrrr

but i am tired so goodnightthank you!
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

   nemuiiiiiiiiiiiiii
sigh. I'm so tired and i still have a resumee to write...i should have done it last thursday, then over the weekend, then last night, because it was due friday but being the awesomely lucky girl i am, i've gotten 2 days extra (and i still haven't done it)

i know, strange face of me, but hey~ here i am!!

oh, and did i tell you my dad's in Europe? Yup, he's been in Berlin Germany since the 13th...he's coming back the 20th, but i don't have to go to his house till the 22...Which rocks.

It sounds really bad, but i absolutely LOVE spending all of my time at my mom's house. I get a lot more "free time" because my mom's at work on weekends, so i can do whatever i want to. It's a wonderful feeling.

On Friday, Antonio and I met up after school, and we kept trying to go to Target to spend the Mysterious Gift Card of Intriguing Mystery (a gift from someone of an unknown quantity that was given to me) which will probably end up being worth like $5...we'll see tomorrow.

anyway, all attempts to go to Target failed because they're so damn far away...at least, the nice ones are. the crappy one not too far from my house is hard to get to, and as previously mentinoned, crappy. friday, we wound up at Virgin Records for a while, then GameStop, then home, but It was a nice surprise. Stepping out of the bus at the train station, I hit a kid on a skateboard.

What? that's right, you read correctly. maybe.

I was stepping out, and it was dark. Skateboard dude all dressed in black comes zooming up from no where, runs over my shoe (the tip where my foot doesn't reach), flies forward onto his hands and knees, I apologize, and i guess i scared him, cos he skated around the block the opposite way.

o.O

Antonio spent friday night at my house. Saturday we made another vain attempt to get to Target, but left too late and only made it to the game store and costume store. but at least we were home on time.

He spent Saturday night, too.

Sunday, I had a baptism to go to...I hate the priest of the church. I guess because the Pope said some anti-Islam (or something) type things, this cunt thought it was ok and said, "No disrespect to the Muslims, but may God have mercy on us all when they take over (because they have lots of kids and Christians don't.) Believe this, for Priest has lived in Muslim countries, and it's bad"

with that damn stupid "holier than thou" voice.

Tamara and I were like... "What a jerk"

but that's a weird, fancy white catholic priest who probably molests little kids. The guy who baptised the baby was fine.

I was tired when i got home, and I found Antonio downstairs playing computer games. We just hung out and he spent sunday night too.

today, let's see...nothing, but busy. damn always busy. Is college really worth it??

oh, and i found out that a lot of fancy, private colleges are like...80% white or more...I don't mind if whites are the majority, but i like diversity...like, a LOTTTTTTTTTTTT more than that. I'd be freaked out and worried and angry. private colleges are expensive, so these are those stuck up rich white kids like i wanna slap em

LOL oh, God, it's public school for methank you!
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Thursday, September 14, 2006

   thank you!
You are totally awesome, you who supported me yesterday...I don't think I'll ever really love myself, but if there are people who give a damn, I definately give a damn about them, so you are my life.

Oh, well, of COURSE, God. Say what you will about God/religion, but the best thing it ever did for me was keep me from killing myself. I was seriously going to, a couple years ago. But then, I heard/remembered that suicide is: sui=self and cide=murder and Murder is a BIG no-no. Plus, I read something about suicide basically being selling your soul to the devil, so I said "ok. NEVER."

But anyway, onto school, I've been SERIOUSLY procrastinating on EVERYTHING. I'll get all set to do something, and then i just give up. Or don't try. Whatever, same diff.

If you didn't kow, i'm at a new, hippie school. There's actually a video for it HERE.

You can see me for a brief second about halfway thru. Look for Grey army fatigues in a flash in front of the camera.

The blonde girl, Kristal, is the annoying one. but Nate Earnest is my friend! :)

anywho, they are all "let students run everything" which sucks because there are approximately 200 clubs, most of which are the SAME DAMN THING. and 6th graders copy high schoolers. It's great that there's such support, but there needs to be regulation on clubs and stuff. The VERY similar clubs definately need to consolidate into one club and save teachers the hassle.

I personally, am running the Newspaper. Not just running. I founded. My friend Dulce, and I did, anyway. She's awesome.

We need to raise $800. We have about $200 right now, and tomorrow at lunch is our first meeting with the members. We are fundraising $400.50 right now.

If anyone is interested in a tax-write off, we're a non-profit organization...we even bought receipts to give donators!

but yeah. we have the support of teachers, but honestly, it's ONLY Dulce and I busy. I spent from when I got out of school at 2:35 till 9 pm working on fundraising stuff today. what a mess. but we have a lot to sell!!

I'm excited for newspaper. I was particularly excited when i miscalculated something, and thought our candy/chip/seed/donut sales alone would ring in about $5500...woops. stupid math.

speaking of which, i SUCK at it. The teacher is great, but math is JUST NOT MY THING. Especially fractions. Oh, God, do i hate fractions.

We had a test today, on finding the Limit of equations...I get solving graphically and numerically, but analytically, my instinct is to just substitute the number in for x, which apparantly is wrong.

Oh, God. **weeps**

in other news, Antonio is ill. It is late, and thus i must be going soon!!!!!


but luv ya!thank you!
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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

   a lesson in futility...where have i heard that before?
So, yesterday I went to get my senior pics taken. don't really like any of them, but what do you expect? A close up of my face is bound to be ugly. the only decent ones have my cat. plus, the lady wouldn't let me stand up for any of the shots...I was like "Dammit!!!!! the bottom half is the hawtest half!!!!!!"

actually, it't not. I have really ugly legs. hell, ugly everything.

But that's something i've come to understand: I will never be satisfied with myself, because if the self-love/appreciation/confidence is missing, you just CAN'T be satisfied.

It's like trying to make Kool-Aid without sugar: Even if it looks right, it's not going to be

Right? And i mean, i try to have confidence in myself, I really do. I tell myself i can do something, but not too much. That's bad karma, and it leads to me failing. Unacceptable. I hate myself, i really do. I find not but loathing in my every endevor. Anything i've ever been proud of, i find myself despising at the end. It's only shame, you know. Nothing but hatred

I hate it that this is who i am becoming, a seething, burning girl, so full of hate for herself that she lets it infect everything else, even those she cares about.

It's like, i'm constatly paranoid that A.) Antonio is cheating on me, partly because i've been cheat on by all previous (5) boyfriends, none of them i cared too much about but it's the thought that counts, ya know and B.) that he doesn't give a fuck anymore

Why the hell should he care? i'm not worth it; i'm not the smartest or the prettiest, i can NOT do things that teenage boys like to do (no experience, and little desire to learn right now), i don't keep my room or house clean, i am only selfish and paranoid and all that crap you know i am?

I'm always tired, too. So Goddamn tired. What the hell is wrong with me?

today, we went to a college fair. Sucked, basically. I don't think too much about races, but there were a LOT of ugly, UGLY white kids, and UGLIER parents all crowded around, making me dizzy and even more pissed.

You see, what should have been a 20 minute drive was 45 minutes because my mom got lost, made me look at a map which she knows i suck at, then when i WAS telling her the right damn thing, she didn't listen, assuming i was wrong, and then started screaming at me

She fucking told me, "What the fuck is wrong with you? I fucking hate this town and your dumbass drags me all over it" or something. But she called me a dumbass and kept saying the "f" word, which i have never heard her say before.

yeah, gets all pissed at me, don't mind that i was telling her the right thing, then she confused me by telling me something different, then i tell her something, and she messes up and screams at me.

Then, i was looking on the map for this one street she was CONVINCED was north of some other street i was telling her she could use to get onto the highway. Turns out, I was right, but somehow, it's still my fucking fault and all that crap.

And she didn't believe me when i told her that not a lot of roads went strait to the highway, and the one i was telling her that i was staring at on the map, she said "doesn't exist"

then my dad calls me to tell me about my fish. ok.

and yeah. I called the place where it's at, they gave me directions she didn't want to follow. **rolls eyes** it got us there just FINE.

and she always says how everyone's an "idiot" or they don't know anything or whatever, but all she does is complain about stuff. Why doesn't she speak up to the city or whatever? If she wants change so damn badly, why doesn't she start it?

I just want to tell her "just stop complaining about them and deal with them."

we're both hypocrites, my mom and i. i hope i don't become her, cos believe me, i love my mom, but she treats me like crap sometimes worse than my dad, cos at least my dad doesn't cuss me out too much and constantly yell. I love my mom but i don't know what the fuck is wrong with her

or else it's me. of course it is. it always is.

damn, i want to go to college ASAP and be freethank you!
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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

   understand, dammit
i dunno what that's about dammit. But it's my feelings on math!!!!! >< and just about everything else. I can't freaking WAIT for this year to just END

anyway, here's my thing with Religion. (sorry, I'm really preachy all the time):

I personally believe that God would rather you respect ALL people no matter what they believe, orientation, race, whatever, than go around "exclaiming belief" and then doing something evil in His name.

Religion is NOT~!! God. Religion is a man-made device to satiate man's own selfish desires. People have followed a religion to the ends of the Earth, but mostly because it justified some selfish thing on their part. Being a TRUE Christian/Jew/Muslim/Hindu/Buddhist/Whatever would involve personal sacrifice for the good of humanity. NOT being some little damn martyr and blowing yourself to bits. Something more like giving up TV forever so you could go to a tiny, starving corner of the globe and try and save one persons's life. No more judging other people, no more hatred, no more gossiping.

I know we're not perfect, nor does God expect us to be, but He expects us to try, I think. And He wants us -needs us- to believe in Him, or at least respect those who do, but He loves us, and He wants us to be happy being GOOD to each other, sincerely.

I, for one, can respect a person who is not religious, but has respect for other people, who genuinely tries to be a good person, more than I can anybody of any religion who hates and hurts, and cannot accept that there are different opinions in this world.

Wouldn't it be easiest if there was just 1 religion, 1 obvious set of guidelines? Things aren't easy for a reason...

...Just don't ask me what that reason is!!!!!! I'm TIRED, mommy. yes, mommy. I had to take senior pictures today and the stupid cow decided she liked zooming in on my stupid crappy face

>:( what a horse thank you!
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Monday, September 11, 2006

   9-11 Remembered.
Today, if you didn't know, is the 5 year anniversary of the Twin Towers falling, of 3,000 lives lost needlessly, of a heartache felt worldwide, children losing parents, parents losing children, and immense change.

How can people have done something so...evil? Maybe i'm not a good judge. Americans have done a lot of evil things too. But none of it is right. Why can't everyone just accept differences, use words, yes, have anger, but have the will to live and let live?

Pointless questions indeed. Some people just don't understand. They've heard horrible things about a people they don't know much about, after all. It goes both ways. How many Americans have said "All Muslims are terrorists?"

It isn't true. I know for a fact that most Muslims condemn the acts that occurred 5 years ago. They don't see it as a great blow for their religion, they see it as a loss of life. They want what we want: to just live life peacefully, with the freedom to believe what they do openly, and the right to just plain live.

but then there were those stupid extremeist, terrorists. What did they think they were doing? Surely, they hurt Americans, but if it was respect they wanted, they were way off. All they did was subject every follower of their religion to scrutiny, contempt, misunderstanding, hard-looks, and incorrect stereotypes.

I cannot forgive it. Whatever horrible hell they suffer in, they deserve it. God forgives, and it's His place to judge, not mine, but remembering that day, and trying to imagine the incomprehensible terror the innocent people must have suffered, there are no feelings but anger, and hatred. Though, I do feel a little pity for those poor fools, too weak to do anything but kill. Stabbing in the back, no warning, no honor. There is no honor in killing anyone. But it's mostly anger. Overwhelming anger

And, of course, most importantly, the people, the Americans who suffered. Lost their lives on just a normal day. Who lost their loved ones. For those who died, lost amidst the broken disaster that was the World Trade Center, we won't forget. We who loved you, who knew you, who never even met you, we won't forget how you were a little thing lost in tragedy, you WERE the tragedy.

To the survivors, you suffered loss that you can never completely get over, you will always have that clinging in your heart, that longing that things could have been a different way. But you have the strength to move on, to live on, as your deceased would have wanted. Because although they died, maybe without even saying goodbye, they loved you, wanted you to be happy.

I didn't know anyone who died, or even further down the chain, but I have lost people, too, pointlessly, not at such magnitude, but I can sympathize, empathy, whatever the word is.



thank you!
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