Tuesday, June 7, 2005

   where's the fat icon?!


bunny pic!!!!!!!!!

lol, space people...we am space people

anyway, even though I feel like a tub of lard, it's okies. i have to go work in the garden with my mom and bf. stupid typing

how are you guys?! ^__^ i'm feeling a bit better. not enough to have not tried to slit my wrists last night. but i didn't bleed so it doesn't matter...

where's tamara? NIGHT my bestest friend I missums you@

eep gotta run, have a nice day!thank you!
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Monday, June 6, 2005

   still not tired
...but feeling slightly less angry with myself. slightly. anyway, here's ANOTHER bunny pic! ^__^




oh and by the way, it's 3:10 am. hee hee!

so...>.>





i think that's a really pretty picture!thank you!
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   what time will it be?
you already had your bunny pic!! ah! you want another one?! jerks, no, I don't mean that



it's cute, isn't it?

anyway, I was just wondering what time I will go to bed! it's 1:30 am on the nose here, and I am not sleepy! hrm...taking bets? yeah? ha ha! no, I am not that kind of girl. but today I have to give poor Tamara her CD back. and I'm hearing the Love Hina theme in my head. is this a good sign? ah ha. yes. yes it is.

maybe I'm worse off than I thought?

hey, have you ever felt like this? this is me just about every minute of my freaking life, since my grandma called me a bastard a couple of years ago.

anyway:

**ahem**

"I wish I was never born, I hate myself. I hate myself! I HATE MYSELF! I can't say I want to die because since I am alive, I have to try, I guess, butI WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!

see, I'm not suppossed to be here. I'm an 'accident,' even my own mother has said so often enough. it's not that she doesn't love me, I know she does. But she could at least wipe that smile off her face when she looks at me an says 'accident' like it was MY fault.

it's not my fault, it's really not. but I wish I'd never been born. I'm just a bastard child. I wasn't suppossed to happen. but I did. like a disaster, all because I'm the family bastard. the only one, and they treat me like a fucking leper for it. I'm the bastard child, I wish I'd never been born, I should NOT have been born, I hate myself, I wish I hadn't been born, I wish I hadn't been born, I wish I wasn't a bastard, I wish I never existed, I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.

bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard!!! that's what she called me! i was already crying and she called me a bastard! i heard her! how can she blame me?! i wasn't suppossed to have been born, but it's not like I had a choice. want to blame someone, blame my parents. they're the ones who couldn't control themselves, why do I get blamed for being the fucking goddammed bastard? bastard bastard bastard! it's not my fault, it's not my fault, I wish I hadn't been born, I wish I hadn't been born, I wish I hadn't been born, no one wants me here anyway, I wish I hadn't been born."

ever fucking felt like that? sorry. it's been inside me for yearsthank you!
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   fuckin smilies! what are they so emotional about, anyway?!
bunny pic!


yeah, enjoy


even though I been spiraling down into the depths of where I used to be (ie the bottom of a really deep dark lake called "LAKE DEPRESS") i found something...funny

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/schfiftyfive.html

and

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/bangbangbang.html


soooo yeah. I have not been up to snuff. unless you count fishing and not getting a bite. or going to the mall and feeling like a weirdo because my idiot bf kept calling me on my cell phone and then not talking to me. -.- seriously. then I'll just mumble, "i wish I was dead, no one loves me anyway."

and he says "I love you!" -.-

y'know, words are cheap. you can say anything, but it doesn't mean you mean it. you can just say "i love you" but it doesn't mean you do. you can be manipulating, using, trying to get pity. fuck words, they're cheap.

ok, it looks like a rant. but this has fucked me up today. well, more than usual.

ok, so after the mall, my dad tells me, "so, Julie, you wanna spend three nights a week at my house again? i mean, you been doing it practically your whole life..."

honestly, I can hardly stand 2 nights.

anyway, I say I'll think about it, since it's not "me" to be blunt and honest and selfish and just say it how it is.

on the way to my mom's, my dad's driving was fucked and I could tell he was distracted. upset. then as I got out, at my mom's, my dad uses this voice. it's sorta...wistful and sad, but also sorta menacing in a secret way. hard to describe, I know

anyway, he says, "I hope you think about staying at my house on weeknights again. I could drive you to your friend's house if you wanted. and, besides, you can't go to Japan if I don't sign the paper. it'll look...better if we've spent more time together."


what the fuck kind of threat is that?! I don't know what the fuck I want. well, I do! i want to disown the man. I want to be a true bastard. it'd be better. God, please my Lord and Savior, please just save my soul. i mean, seriously, I can't give in to his stupid threat, does he think I'm a moron? but I really would like to go there before I'm 18. still. it's confusing, all I know is, I...never mind. thanks for listening.

please, tell me! what's your favorite music video?

sorry dudes, the links don't wanna work, but trust me, those are the funniest flashes I have ever seenthank you!
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Friday, June 3, 2005

   yadda yadda yadda
bunny pic of the day:



cute, na? ^__^

anyway, sorry I have not been around. honestly, I think I'm getting depressed again. last night, I woulda cut myself if i'd had the energy. maybe that's it: I feel REALLY lethargic. I can't even stand to watch tv. i just want to sit and sit and lay down and not do anything.

anyway, I hope you've all been well. i'll try to get to some sites sometime, but i just don't DON"T have the energy. the only thing I could find energy for is a one-way ticket to hell, and Hell is not my idea of "cool" so fuck that, i'm just going to suffer.

enjoy -.-thank you!
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Monday, May 23, 2005

   lions and tigers and goth-oh my!

BUNNY OF THE DAY!

hi, sorry, yeah, this is late, so sue me. I have NO TIME for ANYTHING, freakin sucks. anyway, I probably won't be on much, if at all, this week. I'll sparingly get around to sites. if you desparately want me to visit your site, email me! (email, NOT pm)

ok, my schedule for this week is:
Monday: psychologist-5pm
Tokyo Joe's-6:30pm
Tuesday: school finals for PE
and Literature
Take cat to VET-6pm
wednesday: get home, go to
NIGHT's house 3:30-8 pm
thursday:
out of school 2:45 pm
Pick up NIGHT from
school-3pm
-go to NIGHT's eighth
grade continuation 6pm
friday: go to school for halfday,
wreak havoc! water
balloons! 11:15 am
bring Antonio home
11:45 am
have NIGHT meet Ants
Saturday: go rollerblading
Sunday: talk on phone
monday: have bbq, cook, meet dad's gf

oh, and btw, I just got my prize of THREE cd's from This is Corrosion.com. I'll tell you more about it later. dewa!thank you!
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Sunday, May 22, 2005

   my best friend
bunny pic of the day!


Sasaya: ah, NIGHT's house ^__^ been a long time since I've been here!

**knocks on door** hello? **opens door** it's unlocked! wow, Tiny would be outraged **goes upstairs**


NIGHT: Harvey, you little brat, go get some food and stuff your face. Bootsie, so fat!! I'ma pinch your udders! ha ha! Cookie, stop crying. hey hey, no hankey-panky!



Sasaya: hello? NIGHT?


NIGHT: **watching Saiyuki** Ha Ha Ha!!! ah ha ha ha ha ha!! hee hee hee hee hee...



Sasaya: hee hee! **goes in** Hi!!!


NIGHT: oh, Jesus! You scared me you idiot!!!


Sasaya: well, sorry-SORRY! jeesh.


NIGHT: jeesh yourself. You're being weird. what do you want?


Sasaya: drugs.


NIGHT: WHAT?! WHAT?!


Sasaya: ha ha. of course I don't want drugs, that's a stupid thing to do. so what's up?


NIGHT: you're the same as always.


Sasaya: yup, and you are too!


NIGHT: blah blah blah. Wanna go to the park?


Sasaya: wow, that's impulsive for you! let's go!


NIGHT: this is a good day. spring! I'll miss the snow, though.


Sasaya: I know. you're a bit off when not in your element


NIGHT: What makes you say that?


Sasaya: well, when it's snowing, you show your emotions more easily. you seem more loving then. you laugh more. you get grouchy and lethargic when it's hot out.


NIGHT: I'll give you forty bucks never to say anything like that again.


Sasaya: fine, I won't say anything about it again. but you don't have to pay me. I know you don't have forty bucks anyway.


NIGHT: good! now, let's say screw the park and not go. it's too crowded anyway.


Sasaya: but we're already almost there. why not just go?


NIGHT: it's too crowded! let's go to Las Cazuelas instead. I know you have money.


Sasaya: that's too far away, even by bus. Let's go to Denny's.


NIGHT: well...Ok!

**at the restaurant**


NIGHT: Hey, Sasaya?


Sasaya: yeah?


NIGHT: do you remember when we were little?


Sasaya: ...

**MEMORY**


NIGHT, age 9: so Bootsie ate some string and she was skiing! draggin her butt across the floor! whee!


NIGHT, age 10: did someone run over your face?


NIGHT, age 7: there's this show called Oh Canada! on tonight while you're staying at my house. we should stay up late and watch it!


NIGHT, age 11: why do you try so hard to fit in?


NIGHT, age 6: are you going to dance in the Cinco de Mayo assembly too?


NIGHT, age 12: do you think my Grandpa remembers me?


NIGHT, age 8: my mom said you can come to Glenwood Springs with us! are you gonna?


NIGHT, age 10: we'll always be friends, right?


Sasaya, age 8: let's play in the snow!

**end of memory**


NIGHT: hey, are you okay?


Sasaya: am I ever anything BUT okay?


NIGHT: 'kay, okay.




Sasaya: **thinking** earlier, when I compared you with snow, I never got to finish




Sasaya: **still thinking** you're like the snow, NIGHT, but not because you're cold. it's because you're pure. you don't get changed and dirtied by false things. even though you're blunt as hell, you are always you. sometimes, you have a hard time showing your emotions, but the intention is pure


NIGHT: Sasaya, you're acting weirder than normal. I think it's your fucking cunt-loser boyfriend


Sasaya: no, it's not that. **thinking** too bad I couldn't remain innocent too


NIGHT: oh? what then?


Sasaya: when I grow up, I want to be JUST LIKE YOU! ^__^ except less evil.


NIGHT: stop acting weird RIGHT NOW!!!!


Sasaya: you're such a good friend


NIGHT: gah! and you're a freak!


Sasaya: i hope we can always be friends.


NIGHT: STUPID! of course we will be!



FIN FIN FIN! har har har -.-thank you!
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Friday, May 20, 2005

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Julie
Birthday:	10/23/88
Birthplace:	rose hospital
Current Location:	my dad's house
Eye Color:	blue
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	5'5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	rightie
Your Heritage:	@.@ 350 years of ancestors born in America, and races from all over the world, but mostly european
The Shoes You Wore Today:	my school shoes
Your Weakness:	my pets, love
Your Fears:	fish!!!
Your Perfect Pizza:	none
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	enjoy costa rica
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:	what's today?
Your Best Physical Feature:	my eyes, i guess :/
Your Bedtime:	whenever
Your Most Missed Memory:	going camping just me and my mom
Pepsi or Coke:	neither
MacDonalds or Burger King:	neither
Single or Group Dates:	either
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:	vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	NO
Do you Swear:	yup
Do you Sing:	yup
Do you Shower Daily:	yep
Have you Been in Love:	sorta
Do you want to go to College:	yeah
Do you want to get Married:	most definently
Do you belive in yourself:	hell no
Do you get Motion Sickness:	yes
Do you think you are Attractive:	NO
Are you a Health Freak:	somewhat
Do you get along with your Parents:	i get along with my mom, even tho we fight a lot
Do you like Thunderstorms:	YES
Do you play an Instrument:	i wanna play drums or bass
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	nope
In the past month have you Smoked:	no way dude
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	NO
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	nah
In the past month have you been on Stage:	mmm no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	hope not
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	heck no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	I don't steal
Ever been Drunk:	nope
Ever been called a Tease:	nope
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	i stole a little bar of soap when I was four
How do you want to Die:	saving someone's life
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	a good person
What country would you most like to Visit:	Japan, but also Haiti and Russia and India and Rwanda or Kenya
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	brown
Favourite Hair Color:	brown
Short or Long Hair:	short
Height:	5'7"
Weight:	not too skinny
Best Clothing Style:	not preppy
Number of Drugs I have taken:	none
Number of CDs I own:	about 35
Number of Piercings:	the head is the ONLY acceptable place
Number of Tattoos:	no more than 3
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	just about everything
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

thank you!
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   damn
i can't think of a title. subject. whatever. fuckin heat. sucks, dude.

anyway, House of Wax SUCKED. don't waste your money, that movie's just violent, not even scary or funny. except when her lil finger gets chopped off. hee hee hee hee.


actually, "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" from 1986 was so funny! we watched it in the Arabic class, and the girl just kept screaming. the teacher was like, "you wanna turn it down? she's been screaming for 15 minutes" and then she stopped screaming and didn't do anything. my friend Gavin was like, "She's tired now, can't scream no more. Oop! there she goes!" it was HILARIOUS, if you don't mind gore and icky gruesome 80's shit, you should watch it, so funny ^__^

anyway, I want to apologize to NIGHT again. I'm really sorry I am not a good friend. I value our friendship, I really REALLY do. i have no excuse for being the way I am. You're alone in your ways, and I'm alone in mine. However, you remain pure and true to yourself. You don't get distracted by earthly things. I want to run away; I can't be a good person yet. However, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you!

yeah. If things had been bad today, like they were, i was going to try to kill myself again. luckily, I feel better now. better enough to live.

have a nice rest of the daythank you!
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

   stupid chapters of life. DO I LOOK LIKE A BOOK?


there's your bunny picture! ^__^

I like doing this; I got the idea from LordSesshomaru when he used to put up kitty pictures. I like bunnies. and all animals, for that matter



anyway, back to my rants about stupid life (and LordSesshomaru's comment, as well)



It's not that I've had an especially good experience with high school. I hate it. I want to leave, get done, be free to another page of my life.

however, I've been in school for 10, almost 11, years. I'm used to it; it's all I've ever known. it's like...THAT'S LIFE, that's pretty much ALL there is, I mean, I've been CENTERED around it for a decade. I never thought about how it would feel to have it end.



and now I'm forced into thinking about it. I am going to have to restart my life. I'm going to begin something, college, incredibly different from teh life I knew. And also, I've known, and loved and hated, these people for years. I'm just going to have to leave them. then I think, we're going to grow up.


some of us are going to get married right out of high school, and have kids. and it just brings the reality home that I'll have to be an ADULT for the rest of my life. do you know how fucking long that is?! I can NEVER NEVER be a kid AGAIN. I don't want to grow up! I don't~!



the youth is wasted on the young. SO true, but I won't waste it. I want to be a kid. who would grow up into the sucky world of adulthood, working, taxes, and you can't just be a kid. I want to be a kid. It's not even a CHAPTER of my life. It's like

it's like my life as a child was a book. it was a series, 18 books long. I begin to love it. i get used to it. i love it. and then it ends. everything I love ends too soon. everything I've ever given a fuck about has wound up withering to garbage and leaving me.



fuck.

yeah, now I'm depressed.

what's an anime you DON'T like? (american cartoons DO count)

thank you!
Comments (4) | Permalink