Tuesday, April 26, 2005

   oki
okay guys, and gals, it seems like we all go through bouts of depression, and God knows I have. I am still depressed, even though I've been getting help, but it IS better.

so ok, my point in this is: Don't give up on yourself. You're stronger than you know. I am certain of this because for 13 months, everyday, without fail, I thought of killing myself. and not, "i should" it was more like "which is better: hanging or slitting the wrists, drowning or poisoning?"

and when I couldn't do it anymore, when I couldn't live like that, I told. It(myself) was the scariest thing I've ever lived through, and, weak as I am, I survived, so so can you! if you're feeling low, PM me or something. Just don't hurt yourself. There are so many bad habits you could get into, but 'if you don't start, you don't need to stop'

people out there, I love ya! and there are a ton of people who do. Even if you don't love them, live for them, until you're strong enough to live for yourself. It's the hardest thing to do, but it can be done. there's always someone there for youthank you!
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   hee hee

Random Comic Generator v2.0 by Delya
Nickname
Paper or plastic?	PaperPlasticneithernonebubble wrap
panel 1
panel 2
panel 3
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Ultimate One Night Stand... by crispnite
LJ Username
Favorite animal
You invite over...
They bring...
You talk about...
You end up...	taking a shower together
Quiz created with MemeGen!

YAY!!!!!!!! THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! for me
**cheers**

Love Calculator by EbonyScythe
1st Person Name
2nd Person Name
1st Person Gender
2nd Person Gender
Compatibility Percent	95
Time Together	Eighteen years
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What Is your anime Picture by vegasama
Name Or Username
Gender	MaleFemaleWouldn't u like to know?
Favorite Color or thing
birthday month	Jan.Feb.MarchAprilMayJuneJulyAugustSept.Oct.Nov.Dec.
Image
Anime Personality	Quixotic
Quiz created with MemeGen!

You are a Vengeful Warrior. Someone or something
that was very close was hurt and now you want
revenge. You will let no one stop you.


What kind of Warrior are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are the Pure Neko!


What kind of Anime Neko are you? (Girls only, great pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Khaos angel. You are different from all
the rest. You are a special breed of angel,
prone to suffer in the world that you are in
now. No matter how much you try to believe that
your not special, you are. There is alot that
you want to do in this world. Khaos angels are
very dramatic, we tend to have the ability to
cheer people up no matter what the mood, and
hold in your emotions. You should be proud,
Khaos angels are very rare to find in this
world of ours... (and yes. you are a completely
different type. Hence the name


What Different Kind of Angel are you...? ( Anime-ish pics )
brought to you by Quizilla

Your are a theif.
You fight dirty, you don't care about anyone.
You'll hire assasins to make "jobs"
easier. You are stealthy, you are not
trustworthy. You'll switch sides if you start
losing. Money is worth more then your friends.


What type of Swordsman are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your eye color is dark blue. You rely on your logic
solely, and may have more mature interests than
many of your friends and family your age. You
can sometimes also be interverted and lonely
from a lack of understanding with people, and
can be rather frustrated with some types of
folke. Some may describe you as cold and
distant, and you are honest with how you feel
about things.


What Color Eyes Should You Have? ( With Anime Pictures ^-^ )
brought to you by Quizilla
(my eyes are ALREADY dark blue)

You are Li-su!

Find out Which
Chinese Maiden you are.

You are most like Melfina!

Find out Which
Outlaw Star character you are.

You are most like Penelope!

Find out Which
Ham Ham you are.thank you!
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Monday, April 25, 2005

   I WANT EMAIL!
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I WANT AN EMAIL RIGHT FREAKIN NOW SO I CAN GO TO BED!!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @.@ this is not cool. nor is it dignified. do I care? i want that email!!!!!!!! bah. pathetic. wait a minute, I'll upload my story and get the link up! yes><

ok, here we go...! yes! yes, read my story, PLEASE! chapter 1 just went up right now!
The Ultimate.

Secret Self.

Bitter Flowers.thank you!
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   YAY~!
My dad ACTUALLY signed a paper saying I can go to Costa Rica! Confetti for everyone~!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at any rate, if you couldn't tell, I changed my site AGAIN this time to FLCL. I like the show a lot, even though it's not one of my all time faves. It made me sad when it ended. most anime do...

hrm...I think maybe later, I will post about my new story, but for now, I have nothing to say. I want to write though so...lata!

thank you!
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Sunday, April 24, 2005

   you don't have to read past the second picture, but I'll love you if you do!
---->her name is Linda Corlett. her number is:
303-989-4381

PICTURE TIME!!!!

oh my, look! it's my very best friend NIGHT, aka Tamara! lol, I love this picture! see? it's NIGHT:



and oh no! it's ME! being Buddha! or just stupid, who knows? that day was cold, and I didn't have a jacket, so I wore my robe! :D lol, like? see, i look weird and tired, but it's me:


that much said, here's a phone number! it's not mine! it's my dad's bitchy girlfriends! her name is Linda Corlett. her number is:
303-989-4381

call her! be mean or nice! who cares? she does. but I do too. I pity her for dating the person she does. it's not a good situation for her, if she is sincere for my dad.

yeah, ok. now, I'm going to write a short thingie, and I want you to tell me if you like it, ok? :D thankooos!

"I don't know who I am. I just know that 'me' is someone I've never met. I know I need to meet her, and she's on the same road as me. But she's way behind. Eventually, I will rest my load and wait for her to catch up to me.

...Except wait. I am the 'her' and she is the 'me' because that is my true self, and the person I am now is not real. It would seem a contradiction, yin and yang, and it is. But that's ok, because I have a lifetime to find out about who I really am, and I will wait that long, even if I get ridiculed the whole time. I'll be patient as I can, even if people are too stupid to believe.

Everytime someone looks at me, they open their mouths and let stupid words fall out. Upon just meeting me, they whisper to themselves, 'She's such an angry kid!'

When I heard a teacher murmur that to another teacher behind my retreating back, I pivoted. Livid, I screamed, 'Angry? ANGRY?! you don't flipping KNOW ME! Why do you say such things about a stranger?!' And I stormed away, angry, proving her right. I realized it then, I AM an angry kid.

Despite this, I am not an angry person. I believe the best in people, only to be let down. They all show me their good sides, and then it tears me apart when I have to lose faith in them. Do you need an example? I thought my friends had morals and brains, but those both turned to mush when their older boyfriends came into play. They would give anything those boys asked, and they asked a lot. My friends bragged about this, while I remain pure, and intelligent.

I know I sound like a depressor, but this is how I view life half of the time. Perhaps I am Yin and Yang all at once. Except the times I am Yin, I am not Yang, and the times I am Yang, I am not Yin.

Yin, if you didn't know, is water, cool and calm and delicate. Yang is fire, fierce and determined and confident. You see my Yin side sometimes. Those are when I feel hopeless and small and as though I'm going to be crushed under the weight of my own heavy hopes. My yin times are when one would think of rain, though I find myself gloomy on sunny days.

Yang days are different. Something's changed; the hinges to my too-small cage have snapped, allowing me to fly into freedom. I fight what I need to, and what I don't, but with that cocky smirk on my face. I am not certain of my actions, but logic follows through, and I can't take back my haughty words. This circles me back to Yin, but only until another change happens.

Change happens a lot. Like, when that teacher murmured about my anger? That was years ago. Now I'm free to be who I want to be, even if that means concealing my anger and repressing my self-hatred.

It's contradiction again. I'm happy but sad. This is all I know. This is living, and this is my life. And it's all too plain to inspire any awe within my soul.

So I wait here, twitching with anticipation. My anger, I know, was misguided frustration at being stuck at mediocre. One day, when I rise above the place where I hide, I'll smell the same insipid stench of bleach, the same pungent odor of impending death, choke on the air heavy with animosity, and wobble on the same balance of emotions, but I'll tell myself I'm happy because this is what I waited my whole life for.

This is me: always waiting for something more than mediocre. I know the risk. I might be alone in the world because I waited forever for something better and let the oppourtunity for what I really need pass me by. It's a risk I'm more than willing to take."
thank you!
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Saturday, April 23, 2005

   and yet, I hate myself
...I'm regressing. When I feel bad, I shove it down, and ignore it, until I can't anymore, and I fall apart. I'm like a skyscraper: I'm fine and I seem ok, at least on the outside. I don't let things bother me for a while. But then, it gets too heavy and the littlest thing is too much. I fall into myself. I don't eat, or drink, or speak. Just cry and cut, cut and cry, then sleep, and when I wake up, I seem fine, except my eyes are a little red and poofy.

last night, for example. I was talking to my dad, and he asked about Costa Rica, since I need his permission to go due to the fucking useless judicial system.

he asks how much it costs, then bitches at me for half an hour about how I'm getting ripped off. yeah, yeah. basically, he says that he's not going to let me go. I didn't tell him at that time that I've already put down 700 non refundable dollars, and he's just muttering to himself!

what the hell! I go in my room, turn up the radio, and cry. I tried to stop. i couldn't, because everything from the past 5 months came spilling out. and when I know it, nothing I hope for ever happens. HE won't love me, so I try not to hope. it's not ok. i just sob and sob.

my dad opens my door to give me a custard piece of shit. I wanted so badly to throw the damn thing at the wall, and scream, "I don't fucking want anything from you! i hate you! i wish you'd just kill yourself or leave! i don't care!!!!!!!!!"

know what I DID say, "thanks dad. sorry, I got shampoo in my eyes."

he makes his false sympathy noises and goes to talk more shit about my mom to his BITCH BITCH BITCH-FUCKING WHORE! of a girlfriend. she can fuck herself with a banana because she's a MORON! my dad doesn't give a shit about her, just fuck, which is all he cares about. honestly, he's not going to commit to anything to that bitch because he's worse than she is! fuck.

yesh, anyway my dad, i didn't ask him to pay, and he's whining at me, but it's like, he's saying "you're not worth it." he's never spent more than $1000 on me in my whole goddamn 16 years of life. I have to do everything for myself with him. I hate it, and i hate him/

and yet, I hate myself. Not for hating him. well, yes. Ishouldn't/. but it's like, he's telling me, "you're not worth anything and your dreams are pointless"

my dad doesn't believe in any of my dreams. he doesn't think my dreams have value because they have no merit to him! just because he's a perverted, racist ASSHOLE, doesn't mean I am!

he told me today, "South Africa is AIDS capital of the world, and I bet Lesotho is even worse. I hope your teacher didn't shake hands with anyone when she was there!"

do you realize how FUCKED up that is? he should die. If you don't think that's wrong, I hate you and I hope YOU die. maybe that's fucked up of me, but everything in my life gets really really good, then falls down the drain like hair. shit.

as if my life wasn't confusing enough, this kid I knew in middle school, who I KNEW liked me then, talked to me all day on friday. I haven't talked to him in 4 years, but I'm pretty sure he likes me now, too. he's not as much of a dumbass now, and he's a lot like me. now, I'm thinking, if he asks me out, should I say yes?

any rate, through all this, I hate myself for letting it bother me, and putting bad karma on the world. I hate myself SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much, you can't imagine. anyway, next post will be shorter, sweeter.thank you!
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005

   oh
oh and happy national pot smoker's day. -.- my friend is going to this shit. it's so lame. who'd be proud of losing their braincells?! the way the world is going, you'd think that'd be the last thing you wanted to do! but it just goes to show how dumb people are.

oh and if you've tried, or do pot, it's not like you're stupid or a bad person. i just personally feel like it's a mistake to do that to yourself. sorry but not sorrythank you!
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   Happy times are here, for sure!
I mean, I'm not that happy today! but last night, i was!!!!!!!!!

he wrote me, he wrote me! and he thinks about me! I was in shock. he's not dating the girl who looks like me. he might hate me soon, but for now he doesn't. so I'm good. ^___________^

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, I'm going to write a story. and I LOVE names. dunno why but I do! So I need your help.

what should the main guy's name be? I like too many guy's names to decide....

oh and I've been meaning to ask the guys who visit my site about this: I like to make quizzes on Quizilla, and I know guys like to take them. However, there is a supreme lack of decent quizzes JUST FOR GUYS. like, it's all for chicks! so, guys, list off the quizzes you want me to make and I'll make em!

for example: who's your anime girlfriend?

:) have a nice day, I'm off to watch south park. HE likes that show **heart heart**


....but just so you know, I like that show on my own, too! it's hilarious.thank you!
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

   DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!

Sasaya: so freakin hot today...makes me ANGRY~


Shigure: Well, no wonder. a black hat?


Sasaya: well, I didn't want to get Sunburned...


Shigure: so why didn't you use Sunscreen?


Sasaya: it smells funny


Shigure: smell funny or get skin cancer, your choice

**ten minutes later after awkward silence**


NIGHT. :SASAYA YOU WHORE


Sasaya: What are you talking about?


NIGHT.:She slept around like a dog and now she's knocked up. Ah, what have I always told her? KEEP YOUR PANTS ON SLUT! that's what I said, but did she listen? Noooo~! What's she gonna do? there's nothing for her?! she can't even be in our band! swell, it's her fault. I can't believe my best friend is a SLUT! SLUT!!!!!!!


Shigure: Ah, you worry too much. She's not pregnant.


Sasaya: Actually, Shigure...I...am going to be a mother


Shigure: ...what...?


NIGHT.:Shigure, you'd better take responsibility of your actions!


Sasaya: Just kidding! I'm not going to have kids till I'm AT LEAST 21!


Shigure: It's not your problem, so butt out NIGHT.!!!!


NIGHT.: It's my problem because Sasaya's like my sister, even if she DID mess her whole entire life up!


Sasaya: hey...I just said I'm not pregnant


Shigure: "mess up her entire life"? I will take care of her! You act like I'm an irresponisble adult or something!!!!


NIGHT.: Shigure, you ARE an irresponsible adult


Shigure: No I'm NOT!



Sasaya: Hey, guys. Don't fight. I just said there's no worry of it. It's impossible!



NIGHT.: yes you are. Remember?


Remember this?


And this?


This too!


Oh, and this.

Don't forget...


Shigure: Ok, I think you've made your case. Ah, Mustang's so lucky. He can't get any, so he doesn't have to worry.


Sasaya: NEITHER DO WE, MORON!!!



NIGHT.: Of course he doesn't. I'm not a slut like Sasaya.


Sasaya: HEY!


NIGHT.:What now?


Sasaya: I've been TRYING to tell you that I'm NOT GOING TO BE A MOTHER ANY TIME SOON!!!


NIGHT: WHAT?!!!!


Shigure: Why didn't you say so sooner?!


Sasaya: I can't help it if you don't listen


Shigure: I'm relieved but I still wanna wring your neck


NIGHT: SASAYA YOU IDIOT!!!!!


END!!!!!!!!!!!!thank you!
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Monday, April 18, 2005

   there's no idiot factory between MY legs
you heard me. It's impossible for me to be pregnant unless I was raped, and have repressed the memory to the point I don't know it even happened. I do have lots of dreams about being raped, come to think of it...**shudders** fate worse than death
thank you!
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