Monday, April 18, 2005

   uh oh.
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Total Members 127,143

>< I'm EVIL NOOOOOOOOOOOO
thank you!
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Sunday, April 17, 2005

   i feel normal...this is too weird
my embarrasing story.

go there if you want to learn last week's scare. BUT I warn you, if you don't like bodily functions, especially that which is related specifically to female only stuff...DON"T GO! i'd really rather you didn't go, but I was like...that was scary. impossible...O.O

anyway....hi! what's up?

here's a question:
which matters more: life, or money?

and

what's more usefull than oil, common than gold, and valuable than diamonds?

the answer is...well, I'll let you answer the last one before I tell you, but it ISN'T life. good luck.

yes, I should become a crack addict to make myself normal. whatchu gonna do about it? HUH PUNK HUH?! just kidding...>< Jeez. I sound like MILK CHAN. weird show. Scares me...demon children. ugly demon presidents..hee hee hee

ONMYOUJI! GOOD!!! <3 <3 <3
thank you!
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Saturday, April 16, 2005

   comment
won't you comment on my new pic in the fanart section?




the shoes I'm currently wearing! except mine are pink. who cares? not you!

anywho. for haloween, I'm a get a nice, sweet lookin blonde dolly, then dress up in a nice, scary goth version of her. with curly curly hair and everything. then carry the doll around all day and give people weird looks. :D

have a good daythank you!
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   my freaky dream: scorpion sting
MONKEYS IN THE MIRROR! NOOOOO!!!!!! IT CHASES ME WITH A STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ha ha, I said that once, I was serious. there was a monkey in the mirror.

oh yeah, last night, I dreamt that I was in my dad's kitchen, and on the floor, there were two scorpions, about 3 inches long. They were little, but they were mating (like cats n dogs o.O)

so yeah, I was like, "ew, kill it" so me and my dad got up. he pulled off the female and it didn't pinch or sting him, and he just ripped it in half, and threw it in the garbage. I picked the male up (don't ask how I knew which was which. i don't know, except that I did)

it wiggled, but I was holding it by its pinchers. the female didn't put up much of a fight, but the male was going psycho and wound up stinging me like crazy. it hurt a little, but, i just started ripping it to pieces. I tore it limb from limb then tore those bits up and dumped them in the trash.

ok, so then, I was like "whatever" and went to my room to read a fruits basket book. or something. but I stared feeling dizzy and tired, so I asked my dad if I could call the poison control center. he said I could try, but every number I got was like, out of service or something.

we wound up driving to this poison control "facility" there was a HUGE wait in line (around an area the size of a large mall) but it went by really fast because I got moved up. I was like, are scorpion stings poisonous?

the guy at the counter said, "depends."

I described it to him and he gave me a printout packet on the type of scorpions, which were like, desert sand scorpions, or something (don't ask about the name, I dunno.)

but then as I was reading, I started feeling really bad and seeing red. I kinda wandered around in a daze, and then vaguely remembered reading that "a person stung by this highly venomous scorpion should be fine, but the sting by a male could be fatal. symtoms include: dizzines, nausea, fatigue, and change in skin color. If you've been stung, get help, or you'll die in 24 hours"

it was then that I really realized that I was stung by the male. so they put me on the ambulence, and all of a sudden, i was another person, and I asked different ambulence drivers where Miss *insert my last name here* was. I saw myself, really really pale and not breathing. I was like...ew...then I was in my dying body again, riding to the hospital.

it was really foggy but there were people from school around my bed and heartrate monitor when I woke up. It was like, what? then they told me again what was happening, and I said, "oh." then asked the nurse if I could have a computer to write to MyOtaku.com members one last time.

I was freaking out over being Julie and Sasaya, but I was trying to write my goodbyes, when I realized that it wouldn't let me log in. I asked Tamara to say goodbye for me, and she was sad.

then my mom came and we got into a green car. it was nighttime, or late-dusk. we drove to an overlook of some town that wasn't denver. it was like camp.

I was crying, and I said, "mommy, I'm so sorry for all the things I've done. I wish I could make them up to you, but you're my mom and I love you."

I just kept apologizing for dying, and then she took me back to the hospital, put me on the bed, and then I started freaking out. It was like, I was inside me, and I wasn't. I watched my body convulse and my skin boil and bubble and turn ugly green. it was weird.

at the same time I was seeing this happen to me, I was seeing everybody watch over me and it felt weird to have my skin morph like that. it didn't hurt. but there were worried faces. It had been more than 24 hours, but then, I died, and my conciousness drifted and I wasn't myself but I was thinking like me.

I knew I was dead, even though I didn't feel like it. I just...it was weird. the scorpions are what I wonder most about.

I mean, I often have dreams of dying. anyway, what's your take on this?







thank you!
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Friday, April 15, 2005

   stuff you care about
total visits: 655
standing place: 1000











thank you!
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   do I throw up or just curl up and cry?!
fuck.

ok, this is gonna be long, sorry, but I need to get my feelings out. it's driving me INSANE. i hate this.

ok ok. ok. this is hard, forgive me. ok. last year, i met this guy. I'll call him..."Dan." I met Dan last year, and he's a good 4 years older than me. He's almost 20. who cares.

ok, so we started talking and we're 'friends' now (but we haven't talked in a couple of months) and I've known for a while how I feel about him (LOVE) ok.

he comes to me and tells me all the shit (and good stuff) that happens to him, and I encourage him and stuff. but a little while ago, his gf was prostituting herself behind his back. all he wanted was to help her. they tried to get back together, but they've broken up.

and yeah. he's moved on, I think. He says he met someone who looks a lot like me. yeah. freaky, huh? I'm hoping to God and back that he's not dating her, because that'd be too much. It'd be like, literally seeing myself with him, and being left behind.

that's how I feel...left behind. I mean, I thought I was over him, I thought I was gonna be OK. but he just starts talking to me, and it breaks my heart. sometimes I think he doesn't even remember I exist, and other times, I hope he thinks about me. it just drives me insane.

so I got this email from him today, and it was the most he's said to me in forever. he sounds a lot like normal. I hope he's ok, God, please let him be okay...yeah. so he sounds cool.

but the thought of him being with someone who looks like me...it just rips me apart. i mean, I've realized that he's not going to be with me, and i'm just like his little sister. just...if he's with her, and she looks like me...what the hell. it's like...a dream. watching my fantasy with someone who looks like me.

maybe it's just in my head. he only says he met her, he didn't say if he's dating her. but if he is... i feel like he's the only person I'll ever love.

I really don't know how I feel. confused and hurt and happy and lonely and sick sounds most like it. goddammit. i just...i feel like my heart is being pressed slowly beneath a steamroller. I feel like someone's laying on my chest. I want to cry, but lately, it's been impossible. I've TRIED to cry, i've WANTED to, but it won't come out. I'm beyond that. I wish I hadn't stopped.

but anyway, even in gym, running...it was like I couldn't breathe. and I feel like throwing up. I feel like curling up and dying. crying. but it won't work, it's all hopeless. I know I can smile again, I do. I laugh when my friends say something funny, but it feels so forced, and when I do enjoy myself, it only takes a minute for me to stop my happiness. all for him. how STUPID.

goddammit. and then there's the fact that someone at school really likes me. I have an idea (I'm not going to say anything, how embarrassing if i'm wrong) and I like him too. but I know that if I did go out with him, I'd be pining for "dan" and distant (i'm like that anyway) and it wouldn't be fair to him. besides, in the unlikely event that 'dan" did want to be with me, i'd kill my chance with him. I can't cheat. that's just not me, that's just not right.

and I can't tell "dan" how I feel, it's better to have contact with him as my friend than to be without him and constantly worry about what he's doing and not telling me. it'd be so stressed and awkward if he rejected it.

ok, it's just killing me. if you bothered to read this, you have my eternal gratitude. I didn't expect anyone to read this, but I just needed to say my mind, because I sure as hell can't talk to my shrink about how much I love this guy who's almost 20 and lives far away.
thank you!
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   the brief overview of my week
I know, I know, you're wondering where your beloved Sasaya-chan has gone, but never fear. She'll condense her week into this. then she'll whine. and she SO deserves to.

Monday: went to get driving permit(stupid looking pic) went to get passport for trip to costa rica (i look pretty but stupid)

Tuesday: played tennis against east high school. lost 5-8, then 4-8 (tired by second game)

Wednesday: Played tennis against Lincoln High School. Won 8-4. easy win, but good feeling.

thursday: got up too freakin early, caught bus, ditched 7th hour to come home early, went clothes shopping with NIGHT (not fun. she hates dresses and tehy were making her wear one. she tried every dress/skirt in the store, and only got one when it was closing time)

Friday: am 80% sure I'm going to costa rica, thank God. Got email from him. I'll tell the story in the next post.thank you!
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Sunday, April 10, 2005

   shigure gets LUCKY


Kakashi: oi. Hey shigure-kun. Hey Sanzo-kun



Shigure: hey Kakashi-kun


Sanzo: **grunts**


Kakashi: You guys sure are lively


Sanzo: yeah, well, whatever. I'm tired, lemme alone or you die


Shigure: scary guy. anyway, where's Sasaya?


Kakashi: she's on the couch watching Juu-on for the thousandth time


Sasaya: AH HA HA HA! hee hee hee..."DON'T OPEN THE WINDOW!" Bwahahahaha!!!!


Shigure: that girl has gotten so weird. Anyway, I'm going to change out of this suit.


Sasaya: ...he's gonna change? hmmmm....


Shigure: que sera sera...back into the kimono. oops...there go my pants...


Sassaya: ooo


Kakashi: **thinking** why is that bastard Sasaya's favorite? **rustle**


Sasaya: KAKASHI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! **punch**


Kakashi: ow, you're suppossed to ask first, then punch.


Sasaya: that's what I did, moron


Kakashi: yeah, right. So anyway, I wanted to ask you: why is Shigure your favorite? he's a jerk, and a pervert, and irresponsible, and childish.


Sasaya: I don't know why. I just love him. I always loved him, from day one. he's always been good to me, even if not to himself or others. Anyway, I'm missing Juu on. **leaves**


Kakashi: **sigh** she'll never desire me like that...


Sanzo: hnn. girls are so stupid


Shigure: I'm baaack! and I know you missed me!


Sasaya: welcome back...


Shigure: oh, Sasaya, were you spying on me changing my clothes?!


Sasaya: what do YOU think?


Shigure: so you DID! that makes you a pervert!


Sasaya: I guess. **yawn** I'm tired. I'm going to bed...


Shigure: I think I will too...


Sasaya: ah, I'm such a genius...rude... but brilliant.


Shigure: since when does she wear a bra to bed...?


Sasaya: ah, I thought you'd come...let's go to bed, Shigure-anata..



Shigure: yes, let's...


Kakashi: this has to end here. NO LEMONSthank you!
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Saturday, April 9, 2005

   stupidness of love
oh yeah, I forgot to mention this stupid factoid about my life: my dad has a new gf. crap. i don't care if he f*cks her, but it pisses me off. it might keep him in the country dammit. I'ma meet her sooner or later, and probably like her. if she is like my dad, though, I'll hate her and she can shove it up her ass. damn right. >< anyway. yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah. anger management julie. anger management.

speaking of love life, I'll tell you my story. it's SOOO sad. I had been over him, but not any more. i dreamed about him last night. do you know how bad that is?! I had been cool without him, but then i started missing him, and I realized that I'm head over heels in love with this guy. He'll never love me but oh well.
thank you!
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quiz
I got it from Yahiko, the last guy on my friend's list GO TO HIS SITE!

1. First Name? Julie
2. Were you named after anyone? no
3. Do you wish on stars? nah. I'd rather pray
4. When did you last cry? 1/14/05
5. Do you like your handwriting?~ nope. it's scribbly
6. What is your favourite lunch meat? turkey
7. What is your birth date?~ 10/23/88
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? ...Dixie Chicks
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? probably, even if i didn't like me
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? it was life and death. he was gonna kill himself
12. Do looks matter?~ only to dummies
13. How do you release anger?~whining, cutting, screaming, cussing, running
14. Where is your second home? NIGHT's house
15. Do you trust others easily?~ FUCK NO
16. What was your favourite toy as a child?~ a stuffed puppy
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless?~ study lab. I only ditched and slept and got hit on by a perv
18. Do you have a journal?~ neh. yesh
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot?~i dunno
22. What are your nicknames?~ Sasaya, Julala, TREX, the white buffalo, bitch, who's that
23. Would you bungee jump?~ prolly not
24. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?~ if i really like the shoes
26. Do you think that you are strong?~mmm stronger than a lot of people but weak
27. What's your favourite ice cream flavour?~ none
28. Shoe Size?~ 9.5
29. Red/Pink?~ red
30. What is your least favourite thing about yourself?~ i am a hypocrite
31. Who do you miss most?~ him...**sighs unhappily**
32. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back?~ yes or no
33. What colour pants are you wearing?~ I'm not wearing pants!
34. What are you listening to right now?~ Jay Leno.
35. Last thing you ate?~ corn flakes
36. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?~ the ugliest color so I wouldn't get eaten
37. What is the weather like right now?~ partly cloudy
38. Last person you talked to on the phone?~ Lemmy-chan
39. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?~ hair
40. Do you like the person who sent this to you?~ well, i abducted it from Yahiko...yes!
42. Favourite Drink?~ dihydrogen monoxide
43. Favourite Sport?~ tennis
45. Eye Colour?~ blue
46. Do you wear contacts?~ nope
48. Favourite Food?~ rice!
49. Last Movie You Watched?~ Ju-on the grudge
50. Favourite Day Of The Year?~ my shower day! (jk. halloween)
51. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings?~ since there are no happy endings, scary!
52. Summer Or Winter?~ winter
53. Hugs Or Kisses?~ depends. a girl? neither. a guy? I better like him for kisses
55. What Is Your Favourite Dessert?~ DANGO!!!!! **heart heart**
56. Who Is On Your Mind Right Now?~ well, Yahiko and him....
57. Living Arrangements?~ I'm livin in sin, baby!
58. What Books Are You Reading?~ I wanna get ring or dark water by koji suzuki
59. What's On Your Mouse Pad?~ i have a stupid laptop
60. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? is it lunch already?
61. What Did You Watch Last night on TV?~ SOUTH PARK
62. Favourite Smells? tea, cherry stuff, water, wind
63. Rolling Stones or Beatles?~ beatles
64. Do you believe in Evolution or Creation?~ evolution that God supervised
65. What's the furthest you've been from home?~ mmmm....canada? or is that closer than CA? thank you!
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