Thursday, March 13, 2008

   myotaku is dead
seriously no one ever comes here anymore.

whatever.

so, I get really freaking annoyed with people. I hate when they act like, because I hang out with all guys here, I am going to "hook up" with one of them. fuck that I don't do that. fuck them.

enough said. I probably could stand to write some more

but i don't want to.

i want to see my sister, friends, family, mayte, pets...not japanese class

although! i am very close to being done with itthank you!
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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

   f*ck excel 2007
It totally screwed me over on my homework because it changed the graphs. Dammit. I hate homework. And studying. grrr...

I have a paper to do...Due at 5, haven't even started. Not too worried, though, it isn't the most difficult thing. My mouth tastes icky...like pumpkin seeds, which are my favorite of seeds.

Considering stopping for a delicious drink on my way from class; sooo thirsty. **cries**

I've been way too preoccupied with fanfiction...reading some of my OLD favorites, re-reading my favorite, reading some that I wrote back in 8th grade (kill me...)

It's interesting to see how I've grown. I wouldn't say my style has entirely changed, but (I should hope) I think my writing has improved. Also, I remember writing at like 2 AM for no good reason.

Heh. And I used to think 2 was late.

Last night, as I struggled to focus on my homework, Zac calls, "ooh come hang out with us~ we haven't seen you all day we miss you"

so I went up to Chris's room. They were both drinking; I had a Green Apple Smirnoff **drools** yummmm it was extremely carbonated, though, and I hate that. ugh. =P

I was tired so the alcohol maybe affected me a little, but not too badly. I was mostly tired. Zac was DRUNK it was so funny.

Chris was sober, HA-HA for him.

Also, did I mention Zac's nickname for me is...

"Drooly" =]

LOLthank you!
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Sunday, March 9, 2008

   food food food!
so after my freak out last night, I had a few ups and downs. I got mad at Chris cos he was being kind of condescending and I hate that. I took a nap on TJ's bed for like 2 hours. And then, at like 2 in the morning, we went to...The Roxy.

The Roxy is an all night/all day diner. The food is fairly good, and the atmosphere is fun. However, it's based off of transvestites: there's transvestite pictures EVERYWHERE. It's great <3 and it's naturally a very peaceable, gay-friendly place, especially since it's like a block away from the gay club.

We go there, get there about 2:30, and it's PACKED (except, it's more like 3 because of daylight savings time). We had to wait like 30-45 minutes to get a seat, and another 30 to eat.

On the way, poor Chris kept lagging behind; he was DRUNK off of 3 beers (wtf?), threw up, and was really tired. And then, we get in there, he doesn't have any money, so he doesn't order anything.

I was going to get just pancakes, but I decided to get the burger and give him my fries. TJ got this huge breakfast and gave him his bacon. It was nice that he at least got to eat something.

I'd forgiven Zac many hours previous, and I bought him food for his birthday present. Ken got a burger, too. It was delicious!!!

There were a lot of gays there. One guy, he was SO adorably flamboyant. TJ and Chris got annoyed with him, though, because he was kinda hitting on them. I don't blame them; I hate to be hit on (by guys or girls), too.

But the worst part was, these INCREDIBLY intoxicated guys were yelling "faggot!" at somebody in a car. It wasn't the friendly kind, it was the "nyurrrr" idiot kind. I said, "better to be a faggot than an idiot."

He pissed a lot of gay guys off. And let me tell you, despite the stereotype, I've known a LOT of gay guys who can whup ass. Why? because they've been in more fights over it, and have to defend themselves. Just like how little girls are the scrappiest.

But anyway. Yesterday, Chris played approximately 13 hours of Halo. it was ridiculous, poor TJ xD

Speaking of which, TJ is such a sweetie!!! He dropped his Guitar class so he could take Geology with me~~~ <333 AWWWWWWWWW

he said it was a toss-up between guitar and piano, anyway. And he might drop statistics and take it with me next year. Also, we might be in chemistry together. I'm so lucky i have a friend I'll ACTUALLY be in classes with.


LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My sister said that one of the youtube videos we made, called "how to deal with your period" somebody messaged and said, "my daughter is just starting her first period and we used your video to learn how to put on a maxi pad" or something xDDD

It's funny, and we DID show the proper techniques, but...I think I should feel sorry for this girl...

and don't look the video up. it's retarded. we were sugar rushing and it was late and...we're stupid.thank you!
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Saturday, March 8, 2008

   I'm losing my grip
I really think I am. I'm spiraling. what's wrong with me?!?! I cry for nothing, I have no backbone, and I'm getting annoyed. But I can tell you one thing:

I fucking HATE to be manipulated. And looked down upon. As previously mentioned, I basically loathe myself. But, at the same time, I don't want to be seen as inferior. I am ever a victim of my own blatant inferiority, even if it's just in my mind. I don't want to be superior. I want to be equal. And to not hate myself.

I feel like I've been manipulated by most of the people I know at one point or another. And like I'm losing control of myself.

This song describes how I feel. The truest parts are italicized

Getting Smaller by NIN

Getting a little erratic here
And I don't know who to trust
I guess they got a way of reading my mind
I guess I got to adjust
I've got my arms that flip flop flip flop flip
I got my head on spring
Well I thought I got you on my side
I haven't got fucking anything

I'm just a face in the crowd
Nothing to worry about
Not even trying to stand out
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller
And I got nothing to say
It's all been taken away
I just behave and obey
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away

Uh huh
I kind of see through the cracks when I press up on the wall
I'm not looking to stand up real high, I'd be happy to crawl
I think I'm losing my grip, but I can still make a fist
You know I still got my one good arm that I can beat
I can beat myself up with

Hey, and for what it was worth
I really used to believe
That maybe there's some great thing
That we could achieve
And now I can't tell the difference
Or know what to feel
Between what I've been trying so hard to see
And what appears to be real

My world is getting smaller everyday
Hey hey hey hey, and that's okay

....

sorry for that. I'm just not happy right now. Infuriated and bitter. What happened was, at dinner, Zac was sitting with us, and I was teasing TJ about hippies. You know "hippies are lazy stoners." whatever. I was NOT serious.

Zac looks at me, after being all quiet and like he's probably annoyed with me anyway, and says, "Well what about all the great speaches and songs and art ever made by hippies?" in that 'what are you, stupid' voice people can get.

I said, "well those aren't the hippies I mean." and he just keeps digging into me about hippies and how I'm wrong. Chris kind of argued in my defense and TJ didn't say anything. I was left speechless. looked incredibly STUPID.

there was a point i just layed down and said "don't look at me"

then i came up to my room and started CRYING i fucking hate looking stupid. fucking hate it.thank you!
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   why am I so self concious, self loathing, self depricating, and narcissistic?
It's not that I'm feeling down. Just odd. And curious. Why is it that I'm so hard on myself and no one else? I think EVERYONE is good looking, unless I don't like them.

But I don't think I'm pretty, cute, beautiful, or anything. I don't think I'm nice or interesting, or funny, or smart. Other people sometimes do, but I don't necessarily trust what they say.

I give everyone credit, but when it comes to myself, I don't. at all. I'm ALWAYS apologizing and no one understands why, I don't even understand why.

I'm not complaining, I think. But, I just want to know why I'm so obsessed with myself. And why I don't think I'm good enough.

=/ oh wellthank you!
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Thursday, March 6, 2008

   surprise buttsex
Last night, I decided not to go to Biology because A.) it's boring, and B.) it's boring, and C.) I can learn the same on my own.

Anyway. I watched TV and played with Faulkner with Chris. It was very fun. Then, later that night, but not that late, Chris, Ken, TJ and I all got alcohol. Mike's Hard Lemonade, shitty cheap beer, and good beer.

After 2 Mike's and 2 beers, I was pretty drunk. Chris called me a boy numerous times =D I was so glad to hear it.

But, we sure talk about sex a lot. Chris was sitting on mine and TJ's laps. Ken was just laughing. They talked about my boobs being the right size...I was groped on accident then on purpose, I kicked them, I spilled beer all over myself. We stumbled around and watched tv. I was insulting myself in the mirror, then they talked about how I'm so self depricating, and it's not that I'm vain, just extremely insecure.

After a while, we went downstairs, but since there was more than 6 people, TJ and I went to my room where we layed on my bed and watched tv. I'm amazed by the softness of his hair...it's SOFT!!!!!!

Later, because Chris <3 me, and possibly TJ, Chris came by and we were all on my bed with those 2 laying on me. We are good friends, I love it.

Then, Ken came over, we enjoyed the company, and they left and I went to sleep. the end.

>_>

PICTURE TIME

Chris about to eat Faulkner


Because Faulkner is rice...


yay. Faulkner!!! he's finally opening up.


Chris holding faulkner...INCREDIBLY funny xD We dropped him and he ran under the fridge...sorry the shitty camera work


me holding faulkner... sorry I'm so ugly xD and annoying.

As to certain things...I am the token estrogen in the guy group I hang out with. My boobs are mystical, revered things. Chris was filming when I was adjusting my bra xD looks funny...thank you!
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

   registration, motivation, masturbation, recreation, procreation, allocation, imagination, invagination...ok i'll stop now
In class...should be paying attention but blah =P

You should promote collection of the clumps...?

We're working on threshold models in Environmental Science.

Today was registration day. Is registration day. I registered, but things didn't go exactly according to plan.

The trouble all started with Environmental Science 222. It's full. And, because I am A.) lazy, and B.) hate night classes, I decided to let it go and take it next year. This way, I can take biology during the day. The labs I wanted are full, but I got a decent one on Monday evenings. I hope it's better than my 6 AM lab.

Also, since I needed more credits, I'm now taking Intro to Communications. It sounds interesting, anyway.

My schedule will be....

Mondays:
9-9:50 =Geology
11:30-12:35 =Biology
4-6:50 =BioLab

Tuesdays:
10-11:50 =Communications

Wednesdays:
9-9:50 =Geology
11:30-12:35 =Biology
2-3:50 =GeoLab

Thursdays:
10-11:50 =Communications

Fridays:
9-9:50 =Geology
11:30-12:35 =Biology

I have classes every day, but Tuesdays/Thursdays and Fridays, they don't last too long and even my Monday/Wednesdays aren't too bad. I hope it'll be okay ^^

by the way, Faulkner is slowly acquiescing to life without his family (but me, and I love him)thank you!
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Monday, March 3, 2008

   resurrection of teh gerbil
YOU!!!!! NINE INCH NAILS RELEASED AN ENTIRELY INSTRUMENTAL NEW ALBUM!!!!!!!! GHOSTS!!!!!!!!! **dies of happiness**

This morning, I woke up, and checked on Faulkner. Disappointment! He was very still and unresponsive to my attempts to rouse him...I texted Antonio and Chris: Faulkner died =(

well, I got around, irritated that I was sold a sick animal, and wondering when I'd have time to take his little body back to get a HEALTHY pet. I set up in class, and there's almost NO ONE there. Some guy walks in right before class, writes on the board: JOHN RUETER IS SICK TODAY: CLASS CANCELLED 3/3/08

-_- apparantly, those few of us never got the memo. that's okay; i was glad to not have to go to that boring class...I packed up, and went back. I wish I'd known before hand, though. Coulda used the extra sleeping in.

I get back, look in at Faulkner, and! he's facing the other way!!! I poked at him, noticed that he was in fact breathing, though still aggitated and unresponsive. Don't know how he'll fair; he isn't looking too good, but I hope he'll be okay. **fingers crossed**

Anyway. I spent the morning napping. Bad, but sleep makes me live. I spent the rest of the day working on my bio paper that I SHOULD have started 3 weeks ago. Naughty naughty but whatever. I'm not expecting it to be any good either way. =/

jaded much?

this class is pretty boring. I'm in my Biology class right now...rawr. i am extremely bored. and hungry.

i'll be glad once this term is over. I'll be dropping Japanese, and ESR is supposed to get better ^^

Antonio isn't mad at me anymore. And my mom finally got home; my grandfather is doing much better, and the rest of the family is ACTUALLY stepping up. damn right.



I found this today. It made me laugh my ass off almost.


Heart in a Cage -The Strokes

this is my theme song for now. i dig it, and i can relate to the lyrics. But, I know it's not the greatest song =/

Heart In A Cage"

Well I don't feel better
When I'm fucking around
And I don't write better
When I'm stuck in the ground
So don't teach me a lesson
Cause I've already learned
Yeah the sun will be shining
And my children will burn

Oh the heart beats in its cage

I don't want what you want
I don't feel what you feel
See I'm stuck in a city
But I belong in a field

Yeah we got left, left, left, left, left, left, left

Now it's three in the morning and you're eating alone

Oh the heart beats in its cage

All our friends, they're laughing at us
All of those you loved you mistrust
Help me I'm just not quite myself
Look around there's no one else left
I went to the concert and I fought through the crowd
Guess I got too excited when I thought you were around

Oh he gets left, left, left, left, left, left, left

I'm sorry you were thinking; I would steal your fire.
The heart beats in its cage
Yes the heart beats in its cage
Alright

And the heart beats in its cage
thank you!
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Saturday, March 1, 2008

   gerbilgerbilgerbilgerbil!!!
I got a gerbil I got a gerbil **dances**

Today, I actually got up in time for brunch. then I ran into Chris (big surprise, right) and played some pool. We got bored, and watched Evil Dead. Stupid movie, but it was fairly entertaining. Then, Ben showed up, we went to his room, and I watched them drink beer.

We got bored of that, and decided to go to Lloyd Center, the big mall. It was fun. I bought a gerbil. A baby gerbil. Not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but its name is "FAULKNER CHRIS FRANCO"

Faulkner because that's my favorite writer and sounds cool as a name. Chris because Chris was saying I should name it Chris, and I said that could be its middle name, and Franco, because...Chris is weird and likes scary people.

At the pet store, I also bought these girls who were under 18 a bunny. they gave me money. It was fantastic; I've been in that situation with my sister, and so after ascertaining that they would be loving bunny-parents, I did. I love being over 18. >_>

Last night, we watched Four Rooms. Great movie. But the best room is the Misbehavers -the third arc, with these adorable, HILARIOUS kids. It was SO FUCKING FUNNY







<333 Love that little girl.

But I got really depressed last night and cried =/

at least Chris and Zac cuddled!!! xDDD great success



greatest picture ever.

^^thank you!
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Friday, February 29, 2008

   edited
I pissed Antonio off. Again. I feel bad...it was my fault for not responding faster. for being distracted by friends.

But last night, Chris, Zac, TJ, and I all had some alcohol. I got a little drunk. I was tired, that's why. I also ate 3 slices of pizza >_< fat ass.

Erica and Jason came over, and Derek for a little bit. Erica and Jason are kind of going out, and Derek likes Erica. She liked him, too, but she said he didn't make a move fast enough. Even though she only broke up with her boyfriend like a week before she started seeing Jason.

Anyway, so Derek left to play pool, Chris and I went too. Erica and Jason left. Zac played video games. TJ studied.

Then, Chris was in a strange, tired/drunk mood and eventually went to bed. Then Zac went to bed, and me and TJ went for a walk.

TJ is a great guy. He's a lot like me in that he really likes animals and the environment and outdoors. Except, he considers himself a gentlemen, so will go out of his way to be nice to girls.

But yeah. We went walking the opposite way and wound up on a hike (at 2 AM) up the mountain in the DARK. It was weird because my eyes did not adjust well, and I was paranoid about running into a bear, so I made us turn around. Kind of wishing I hadn't, but, you know. bears.

Even though TJ said there aren't any bears there.

Then we came back to my room and watched Animal Planet, and some of Fight Club

but I was late in responding to a text from Antonio, so he said "yeah whatever" when I apologized for it =(thank you!
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