Wednesday, September 22, 2004

   kyu part 2?
nyao. Hi, I'm at school. short day so it's ok. feels kinda lonely. yesterday I went to the animal shelter again FINALLY! I wanted NIGHT to come too, but she wasn't there.

my friend Flor is trying to do her work. I wish I could help, but I don't know what is there! kyu. this sucks.

in Gym, I was pretending everybody was an oni, and I was their slave master. Run, fools, run! mwahahahahhaha

um. lol. what else to say? Oh yeah! great weather, all cold and rainy. LOVE IT! **parties** although it is making my friends sick. glad I don't get physically sick much.

anyway, I'm in for a chem test and I haven't studied. damn! double damn....

friends hate me. doooon doon dooo. it's true. I don't mind... ;.; la

freshman, don't you read this you little queef.

ahahahahaha South Park....greatness indeed. >.> <.<

oh yeah, if you wanna be my friend, gimmie an IM. Almost always, I'm on on Friday night, Saturday night, and Wednesday night. not so much during the day, but yeah. also, Email meh! :) nyao bye byethank you!
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Sunday, September 19, 2004

   today....
I felt really bad today. My mom was all tired from working last night, and she told me to cook the ravioli for church while she took a shower. I turned on the stove and everything, but it turns out, I had the pot on the bak burner, when it was supposed to be the front. I did not know that it was formatted like that! my mom just freaks out and starts screaming at me, and I kinda was like, ...yeah.

and then she WON"T STOP YELLING! I kinda blocked the memory already, but she was just sreaming! you know, I'm not good enough, don't do anything right, yadda yadda yadda. I just SNAPPED.

we were in the kitchen, me looking sorta mad but calm, and then BOM! I bent over, crying, saying loudly, but not yelling until the last word, "well, I hate my life, I hate everything, I'd rather be anywhere than here, I'll just DIE!"

my mom: well, why don't you? I wish you WOULD.

me: I WILL I'LL KILL MYSELF!

I ran to the bathroom, and started to fill up the bathtub. I wanted to call my friends and say good bye, but I couldn't, so I had it about 5 inches full, then my mom opens the door and starts screaming again

mom: why are you trying to kill yourself? everytime I ask you to do something, you'd rather be dead! stupid girl, I know you do these things and have no respect for me, it's so unfair to me, i work all the fucking time, blah blah blah.

me: I do try to help you, and every time I do, you find something wrong with it so you can be a bitch.

mom: no, you do it badly on purpose, so you won't have to do it again. I'm not letting you do anything you want to ever again I won't buy you any more stuff. I'm not your fucking slave!(I don't mess up on purpose)

me: I know, but you refuse to believe a single goddammed word I say anyway, so i'll just die!

mom: that's always how it is! when you get mad, you break my stuff, your stuff, you start cutting on yourself! you had beautiful skin and you ruined it!

me: no, I never did!

she goes on yelling, but I just had a breakdown. I grabbed my hair and PULLED, and started pacing back and forth, hyperventalaiting. I was trying to, but I couldn't stop.

mom: all you're gonna get from that is pass out

me:**can't stop**

then she acted almost worried and was trying to hold me still, but I'm so much stronger than her that she couldn't hold on and I couldn't stop until I DID pass out for like a minute. then I wake back up and she's saying
"you know, I don't appreciate it when you talk badly about my mother! you know she's my mother, and I love her more than anything! I love her! It hurts me when you talk badly about her!"

I just sat there and let her talk until, "Well you know WHAT?! even before I hated my dad, she was telling me all these bad things about him to me! it hurt me, too!"

my mom: "I always tried very hard to not say bad things about your father in front of you!"

me: NO! SHE said it, not YOU! she was saying about how he's a selfish, rude, disgusting, worhtless ASS HOLE at the restaraunt! I started CRYING! and all you said in this stupid voice is "she's right, you know." you know how that made me FEEL? like you BOTH were saying that I"M like that too! and I know she blames me for all EVERYBODY's problems! Why doesn't she like ME?!

mom: She does like you! like just doesn't mean always letting you get your own way!

me: well, then she must like my other cousins less than me because she treats them like equals, like adults, lets them get what they want, makes me listen to them, and they're NINE!

mom: blah! that's RIDICULOUS!

she went on to talk, but you know what? it's TRUE! we went there this year, and all she could do was find fault with me, like always. she gave my two little cousins the beaters from the cookie dough, and wouldn't let me in the kitchen while they ate them. It's not about the beaters; i get them all the time. it's about: why did I get left out? I wouldn't have CARED if they got them, why didn't she tell me like an adult? does she think I would have a fit? i USED to do that when I was 7! now I try to be mature, and still get treated like a fucking baby, so i do it anyway. I can't win!(I only found out what was going on after my mom told me, "that's my fault. I told her to let them have them since you get them more often." she didn't comprehend that it was about not being told, not being given.)

also! whenever I say I don't wanna play with my cousins at family get togethers, she and my mom say, "they only get to see twice a year."

I never said this because I'd just get myself beat again, but "well, its the same for everybody else! why should THEY not get to see me? I'll tell you why: BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES ME BECAUSE I'M THE BASTARD CHILD! everybody likes my mom so much, but it's her fault she acted like a slut, not mine, so why do you take out your grudge on me? and if you DON"T like me, tell me! don't just shun me or treat me like shit!"

I honestly don't think anybody but those little cousins who told on me care. they only seemed to care that I was cutting myself, and that I was in pain. they told my mom so she would help me. but has she? NO! she only uses it to ridicule me, and make me feel bad, hasn't done a damn thing to try to find out what's wrong.

at church today, I brought a bottle of ibruprofen, and mixed it all in with water, and I was gonna drink it, but the dye was the only thing that came off, and the medicine was all chunky at the bottom, and it tasted bad, so I flushed it. but I still want to die.

please, am I overreacting, or being too one sided, or something? I won't get mad if you tell me how you feel, and this is pretty much as seen in my eyes. I know I only mess up my mom's life and don't do anything right and am stupid, and not the perfect daughter she imagined, like when i was younger, and I was playing in the house, and I broke a picture and a thingie from her childhood. I felt really bad. I always break her stuff. still. it hurts when she tells me i'm not good enough, even when I try.

**is crying too hard to say anything else**thank you!
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Friday, September 17, 2004

   yay!
I was talking to Shadow earlier, but that kinda died, and Shadow left. Also, I've been talking to em si hsoJ. He's really nice! and his site is funny. You should go!!!!!


and now, on to the best parts of my day. I got my friend Jackie Pink Panther Pajamas for her bday, and she like them! and I got my friend Deisy's goddaughter a bunch of books for her baptism. hopefully the baby can use em!

and in my World History class, we got to present on the Middle Ages today! It was so fun! I brought in rotten food and showed the people what you woulda eaten if you lived back then. my friend Miv gave a whole bunch of information! Heather lost her voice, but she was our lovely assistant! Miv and I did a play about the Plague, and then we made the class play ring around the rosie because it's about the black plague!

It was fun! lol! so cool! we were laughing, and we took up the whole class time presenting. people liked it! also, I think this is kind of dumb. theres this girl NOBODY likes or wants to associate with, and my friend wants to invite her to a fake party at the leprachaun's house. I think it would be funny, but REALLY mean, and i don't like to trick people. also, if you don't like her, people shouldn't bother messing with her. grrrrrrr....

anyway. I am gonna go take a shower and maybe go to bed. got some One Piece to see tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!

with love, Sasaya **with rabies!**thank you!
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Thursday, September 16, 2004

   kyu
I'm at school and it sucksthank you!
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   huuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE TO PEE!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT, GET OUT OF THE BATH< YOU FAT DAD!!!!!!!!! anyway, today sucked, felt like all my friends wanted to be away from me and I made an ass of myself and hurt my friend's feelings.... I MUST DIE! anyway, dad's gonna be coming, so I'd best finish this with:

um, I forgot. Go the Killers, HOT FUSS! OH YEAH!

well, I'll talk a little more. Hm...my mom has bitched at me a whole lot all damn week, and I didn't even do anything wrong! i needa cut...BAD. but I have no blade. damn.. and math homework. at least japanese is fun and I get to bring rotten food to class to show everyone what you woulda ate in the middle ages. anybody want info on them? I read a whole encyclopedia on them....

I want to get my friend a present for her bday. what should I get her? I'm thinking a shirt, or...um, a manga or just money if I have no time to shop.

oh yeah. I have this feeling. it's really bad. like, foreboding, maybe it's from a dream, but I'm scared, and alone. I feel like the devil is over there, and I'm heading that way. but i don't wanna. I just feel evil. or that evil is gonna happen. Have I told you guys that sometimes, I can guess the future, and sometimes I can't, and I never know when?

yeah, it's true. Like, I nonchanlantly said that a semi was gonna hit us once, my mom was like NO and then it almost did. anyway, g2g, bye!thank you!
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Sunday, September 12, 2004

   Sasaya's Believe it or Not!




that's Akito, from Furuba. did you not believe me when I said he's a she? look at the boobies for proof!!! oh, and they're saying:
"Page 28:
Kureno: She held on and cried till I thought she'd break.
It's for this girl that I live from now on...

Page 29:
Kureno: ...weaker than anyone,
more fragile than anyone,
it's for that timid girl's [note: the kanji reads "Akito" but he says "ano ko," that girl] sake...

Page 30:
Kureno: It's all
for that poor girl..."
(the top pic is 28, the middle one is 29, the bottom is 30)

Kureno is the rooster, btw. he's also liking Uo. freaky, ne?????

oh and thanks to
http://www.livejournal.com/community/fruits_basket/366330.html#cutid1
for the stuff. great great!
thank you!
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Saturday, September 11, 2004

   oh you piece of SHIT
somebody PLEASE PLEASE help me~~~!!! I'm trying to upload fan art. It says that the art must be 750x1000 pixels or LESS right? well, my pic IS, and the stupid thing says it's more than!!!!! If anyone can help, please do!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!thank you!
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   Double entendras
"deadly gasses surrounding Uranus"

"How to make a hormone"

"c'mon Bangkok!"

read these outloud.... :Dthank you!
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   I dunno, I wanna write, but I'm too tired to. also, I can't belive that Akito is a she. and she got it on with who knows how many of her zodiacs! especially kureno. is shigure the real bad guy? he's hot, even if he is. what's happening? omg. school sucks. it should die.

this guy, a fat, high pitched voiced 15 year old, he's mean to me. always teasing. so I told him shut the fuck up, if you don't like my gothness, then LEAVE. and then my friend Heather was so high, it was scary. I feel like a dumbassthank you!
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Friday, September 10, 2004

   OH MY FUCKING GOSH
(sounds bad to say that with God) anyway, i was in the bathroom, and I was washing my hands like a good little girl, when, what should I glimpse, but in my dad's "travel bag" which he just leaves in the bag in the bathroom with his toothbrush and stuff. whatever. and I see this beige thing that looks like lipstick. i daintily picked it out, and what does it say, but, "Maybeline cover up"

so, to sum up, my dad uses cover up. why? but ICK. that's creepy. any thoughts on WHY he might do this?thank you!
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