Wednesday, September 8, 2004

   ka BOOM
I hate my dad. I HATE HIM! he's a JERK. today, he came to pick me up, and is like, "Did you check on your snake?"
I said "Nope" and he calls me a stupid lazy brat. >< then I told HIM, "the girl who took him home hasn't brought him back yet, anyway."
My dad's response? "I bet she's Asian. She took him home, skinned him, ate the meat, and made him into a purse. you KNOW those Asians eat anything."
I was like O.O you worthless shit bastard!!! but I replied calmly, tho angrily, "everybody eats weird stuff. the chinese think that eating cheese is incredibly disgusting!!! your precious Europeans eat horses. they smoke cigarettes for breakfast. rednecks eat sewer rats. it doesn't fuc-freaking matter if WE precieve what they eat as, it's normal for them, and at least it's food."
he goes "whatever" and I sit brooding until he says, "So, you and your little Mexican friend still doing that stupid animal shit?"

that pissed me off more. I respect the difference of opinion, but he should respect ME by saying neutral things. fuck! and then I said, "yeah we are. it's FUN."
he's like. O.O

and he acts like my mom is so lazy, look at his fucking fat ass! he doesn't do much shit. so, he works 7-8 hour days, INCLUDING lunch, and he cooks dinner and pulls a few weeds. so fucking WHAT? my mom works 14 hour or more nightshifts as a rn, sometimes dealing with completely incompetent people, or being so busy she gets puked all over, can't go to the restroom, can't eat, or drink, and she gets sick easily. she doesn't have time to cook, she works HARD. and besides, cooking isn't that big of a deal! it's easier to eat cereal, and you don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings. at least she's not running off to Ukraine before she's 50, and leaving her only daughter to pay for her own EVERYTHING. honestly. he might as well make me get my own house, he makes me do fucking everything. he can go to hell.

sure I get pissed at my mom, and am almost always annoyed with her, but I know she loves me. she tries. he's full of shit.

not to mention, I had a sucky day. It felt like my friends were all so annoyed with me, like I'm such a dumbass, like I'm just an annoying little child. selfish. it felt like they just wanted to get rid of me. couldn't stand me. hated me. it sucked, but I pushed that feeling away and stayed happy. then these guys came and basically ridiculed me to death because I'm innocent. they're like, "you're dumb, you dumb fuck. I want more hours for this. what a stupid idea. bitch bitch bitch. you like crap. you're stupid. what happened to your BLONDE hair?(never ever ever had blonde hair) why do you wear black? don't get high! why do you cut yourself? YOu suicidal psychopath!"

YOU SHIT HEADS! why the fuck do you fucking have to bother me? fuck off, just leave me alone! I don't need you, or anybody else! Just myself! I don't need you to tell me I'm fucking wacked. to tell me I'm a fucking whore. to tell me I'm a dumbass with no fucking chance at life. I don't need you to tell me that I"m a freaking maniacally depressed lunatic! I already fucking know this! don't you fucking mess with me, I'll snap, and I'll scream, and I'll cry and cuss and kill and just bitch out and make you shut up if you don't. I want to be left alone except for those few people I like.

fuckers! plus, Amanda, that fucking whore ass bitch, she acts like she's so goddammed pretty and popular. what a fucking suck up. she thinks she's fucking punk because she wears a goddammed wristband. and listens to yellowcard. and greenday. and alternative crap that is barely passed off as rock.. shit. last year, I was really depressed, and I think it was fairly obvious. I was on the computer. she looks down at me(literally) and says in this ditzy stupid airhead wanna be punk voice, "don't you be sitting at MY computer."
I gave her a dirty look and kept working. she insists that I need to get off. I almmost tell her fuck off, but ignore her, she gives up. then I get called to the school shrink, and as I leave, I hear her say, "I TOLD her not to be on my computer." I came | | that close to turning around and screaming, "You fucking perfect goody goody BITCH with a wanna be attitude. I know you are too scared to smoke pot, to ditch class. you think you're so fucking tough for ditching study lab? GO TO HELL." She'd have gotten mad, and I was pissed enough to fight her. I'd have hit over the head with a chair. now that I think of it, I would have literally KILLED her(not meaning to, just in such a rage that i would) then I'd kill myself out of guilt. shit.

I get pissed thinking about it, but I really needed to vent.. do you think it's bad to have so much hatred for the world in my heart? i mean, I want to help the world, but there are so many people I hate. grrrrrrrrr. they can kiss bender's shiny metal ass.

damn, the list of people I hate:
1. Amanda
2. Amanda
3. Amanda
4. Amanda
5. Amanda
6. mi padre
7. kristal
8. Rafiel
9. Eliana
10. Luis
11. Dawn
12. Bush/
13. Almost everybody else.


here;s people I DO like/can stand(not from online)
1. NIGHT
2. miv(actually, they're tied, but I've known NIGHT longer)
3. Deisy
4. Heather
5. Jackie
6. Luis
7. Pepe
8. Jessica
9. Marissa
10. Juan
11. Jose
12. Esteban
13. there are a few othersthank you!
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Saturday, September 4, 2004

   HELP!!!!!!
somebody please help me!!!!!!! please! I need to know how to make a picture show up as other than a link. I know how to copy and paste html codes, but not do pictures. also, how do I get the inner background to have a picture, like the regular background does? PLEASE ASSISTthank you!
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   peeeeoooople
people are weird. lol. i saw some people downtown. they staaaaaaared at me with their beady little eyes. ku ku ku. oh yeah. I bought these pants from hot topic:http://www.hottopic.com/store/ZoomProduct.asp?ITEM=283226&ZMPHT=283226_zm.jpg

http://www.hottopic.com/Assets/product_images/zm/283226_zm.jpg

http://www.hottopic.com/store/ZoomProduct.asp?ITEM=279242&ZMPHT=279242_zm.jpg

I want these shirts to go with 'em. maybe I'll get it tomorrow?
http://www.hottopic.com/store/ZoomProduct.asp?ITEM=246056&ZMPHT=246056_zm.jpg

thank you!
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   fun lyrics
I seriosly love this song: Lyrics

Somebody Told Me by: The Killers
Lyrics by: Flowers/Keuning/Stoermer/Vannucci
2004

log on for chart activity.


Breaking my back just to know your name
Seventeen tracks and I've had it with this game
I'm breaking my back just to know your name
But heaven ain't close in a place like this
Log on to Top40db.net.
Anything goes but don't blink you might miss
'Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down bring it back down tonight (hoo hoo)
Never thought I'd let a rumor ruin the moonlight

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential

Ready let's roll onto something new
Taking its toll and I'm leaving without you
'Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down bring it back down tonight (hoo hoo)
Never thought I'd let a rumor ruin the moonlight

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
Rushing a-rushing around

Pace yourself for me (for me)
I said maybe baby please
But I just don't know now (maybe baby)
When all I wanna do is try

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
Rushing a-rushing around

Now somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
Rushing a-rushing around

Somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
Rushing a-rushing around


thank you!
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   The great manifesto
ok, I'm gonna write a story thing, just short chapters every now and again, that tell about random things I think about at school. not a post, because this is what would go on in head world. my head world.

|I stood this morning outside the school, beneath the library, watching the insane masses pass me by. I glared, making them keep their distance. Until my friends arrived, I smiled, happy to see them, they unhappy to see me. can't blame them, I'm a bitch. I lowered my eyes and let the sorrow sink in. said my goodbyes and headed off to class. As the teacher talked, my mind began to wander, and soon I was standing before my history class, cursing the people at the top of my lungs, all thanks to the guy who pesters me about my cutting and sniffing. I was screaming, "YOu think you know so much about me? you think you're so friendly? You know nothing, and I blame you all for my pointless existance!"

they stared at me, shocked that the quiet girl would say such words so loud. not another word spoken, I reached for my razor, held it poised above my flesh, my arm, and sank it in, deep, maybe a half inch, and pulled from my elbow to the wrist. fast, I didn't feel it right away. I closed my eyes, feeling the friendly familiar flinch as the wound released the blood so with-held from site. It seeped up slowly, then spilled over the fault lines in my flesh. turned my arm the fairest crimson color, wet, and cool after an angry morning, an akward morning, cool, and bloody, and the class just sat there a-gape. I felt the blood billow and drip to the floor. then all went black and I heard myself answering a sheet of unknown questions I didn't care about.

at lunch, the lesbian decided to follow me, to the friends. I sent another friend to fetch them, lest the lesbian bitch know of the caves, the secret meeting place to escape defense of the most useless people, so we could talk crap about crazy creeps thinking they own the world just because they are sophmores.

I felt a little better, not like the ibruprofen overdosing feeling in chemistry. stand in front of my unfriendly peers, and coyly ask what would happen if one were to consume an entire new bottle of ibruprofen all at once in one gulp. would there be forced vomitiing? how long would one have to wait for death, my old lover?

get alone in the back, in the dark, so happy, with the hated, the one I hate, sit there working, and while I work, I need another paper, get up to find it. front of the room, my shy face feverishly searches for the thing I needed. the girl, if can so be called, she is a bitch. she told me, "they're in the back, they're in the back. why are you so lame, why are you so stupid? how can you hate Yellowcard, anyway? they rock! they're soo-oo punk."

My mouth opened, murmuring a quiet, calm reply, but back in head world, I begin to form my true desires. I, cool, so cool as ice, I say, "perhaps I am lame, but at least I do not flaunt my body, sticking my hip so far out to the side, looking like I have a developmental disability. At least, unlike you, my mouth is clean, and I possess the ability to keep it closed as I speak, as I eat, so I do not walk around with it open, allowing bugs to fly inside, and careless, stupid words to fly out. and at least I am lacking the ability to chew my gum like a cow chews its cud, and possess the ability to keep my mouth closed from whining loudly, like a petulant child seeking attention. Luckily, I know how to respect, and consider that I know I am worthless. Thankfully, I know I am not punk, because, unlike you, I wear a black wristband and preppy studded belt. You bitch, I fucking hate you, I fucking hope you rot in fucking hell, go there and die,a nd never bother me again, you fucking stupid ass wanna be ugly zit faced BITCH ASS CRACK WHORE, I cannot stand you, I will destroy you, you will not survive, I hope you suffer. I want to make you cry, admit you are not so great, that you are garbage, make you behave human, not like an ascending goddess from hell, sent to miserate my life. I HATE YOU AMANDA, you SKINNY BITCH."

then, after my still incomplete hate filled rant, I would stretch out my hand, grab her short ugly skinny neck, lift her off the ground. Squeeze, squeeze hard, until she turned an ugly shade of blue, then purple, then gray of death. I'd sink my nails in and rip the chords from her throat, she'd never speak a stupid word again.

Head world cheered and angered me, still to this moment, but I merely said, "At least I'm not like some stuck up people in this world. Don't you think I could be 1,000 times worse?"

I smirked, then sat back down, the world unaware of me, and myself so aware of it. I watched from the outside, looking in, cheering all along, when Amanda understood what I'd said. If only she had, that I always dream of smashing her head in with a chair, or cursing her to death.

All these evil thoughts and wishes, so impure and devil-driven, I know that I will never achieve them. killing is wrong, hating is wrong, and I must control myself. So while all you might see is a calm little girl, underneath I am raging hatred. and evil.

then I sit alone, laughing to myself. I want to cry, in head world, I stand up, and in all caps, I write in chalk on the chalk board, "I'M SORRY, I BEG FOR FORGIVENESS." then I sit down, and wait for the reactions of this anathema world.|

weird, I know., but as I stared to write, the words just came. sorry

thank you!
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   "Still Frame" lyrics by Trapt
Please help me 'cause im breaking down, this pictures frozen and i cant get out
Please help me 'cause im breaking down, this pictures frozen and i cant get out of here
Believe me, im just as lost as you
Believe me, im just as lost as you

an every time i think ive finally made it
I learn im farther away than i have ever been before
I see the clock and its ticking away, and the hourglass empty
What the F***do i have to say

Please help me 'cause im breaking down, this pictures frozen and i cant get out
Please help me 'cause im breaking down, this pictures frozen and i cant get out of here
Believe me, im just as lost as you
Believe me, im just as lost as you

Keep it inside, the image portrayed
As if i couldnt stand losing as if I couldn't be saved, no way
A small confession I think im starting to lose it
I think im drifting away from the people i really need
A small reflection on when we were younger
We had it all figured out 'cause we had everything covered
Now were older its getting harder to see
What this future will hold for us, what the F*** are we going to be?

Please help me 'cause im breaking down, this pictures frozen and i cant get out
Please help me 'cause im breaking down, this pictures frozen and i cant get out of here
Believe me, im just as lost as you
Believe me, im just as lost as you

So lost, I'm just as lost as you
Oh well what am i going to do
I'm afraid im falling farther away (from where i want to be)

Please help me 'cause im breaking down, this pictures frozen and i cant get out
Please help me 'cause im breaking down, this pictures frozen and i cant get out of here
Believe me, im just as lost as you
Believe me, im just as lost as you
thank you!
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Friday, September 3, 2004

   STUPID
STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUUUUUUUUPID, I'M SO FREAKING STUUUUUUPID, I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!>< damn. ok, so last year, well, like, urm, 4 months ago maybe? last school year, in May, at the end, they had a dj playing music I don't like in the main hall. these two girls i was eating lunch with did, and they went to hear some of it. we were in a couple hallways away, by the library.

so while they're off JAMMIN, I sit there, staring down the stairwell absently, just a freshman girl dressed up in white pants and a shirt that showed a bit too much chest for my liking, I'm I start grouchily to fiddle with it so that it covers up to about an in above the "armpit" line, and not show an inch of skin. finally, I decide that I should just leave it showing a little "cleavage" not that there is much, than show any tummy.

I give up, stare at the wall trying to ignore the music, when these two guys walk by. one jerks his head in my general direction, and says, "Esta bonita" (something like that. my spanish speaking, not so good.)the other guy nods, and I ignore them, didn't bother to try to comprehend what they are saying.

the two guys go downstairs, and the girls come back like :o what's wrong I ask, and they go, Did he just say bonita at you?! i was like, I dunno.**shrug**

they go :O and tell me, he did! do you know what that means?! me, I say NO. and they go, well, he just called you pretty. I said, what, why? they tell me because I am, and I look like this: -.- (I am ugly)

then my friend jea looked into it, and found out about him, and showed him to me, and my other friend said that he liked me, and I said, that's all good and fine, but if I don't know him, i don't want him to like me just for my looks. i want to be liked for my fucked up personallity, not my fucked up looks

so he got disappointed, and I didn't care. NOW, he's in my lit. class, and he's not exactly handsome, but cute in his own way. and he's smart, and nice. and now I like him. >< damn. I am pretty sure I ruined all chances of him liking me at all again (plus there's the whole goth thing) and I am too shy to tell him anything. sucks so much. at least I don't like him much.

also, I had a lot of people that i got to their sites through random member, and I sincerely liked all the sites, they're really good, I like to read people's posts. some I don't like, so I ignored those sites. anyway, to No One-san, I write: cool poetry, it's good. and you don't have to add me as a friend. I just add anyone because I like their site and want easy acces without using a butt load of bookmarking space

Inuyasha2-san, I'm glad you aren't a bitch about differences of opinions like so many people are prone to do. I'm glad we can still be friends enough without hating each other, because you still sound like a good person

everyone else who signed my gb, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you're all great! **huuuuug**thank you!
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Wednesday, September 1, 2004

   dammit
i honestly don't mind school, but on one paper, I wrote the truest feeling ever felt by me "I want to die." and I didn't erase it! >< damn! the teacher noticed, and is all worried now. plus kids are noticing my cutting, just like my mom did, well, then I was betrayed. stupid cousin. anyway, I'll say more on friday, right now my dad is being a bitch ass and annoying me. and also, chasing me offline. grrrrr. my parents are so annoying!!!!!!!!!thank you!
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Saturday, August 28, 2004

   oh, fishbones
just got back from dinner. I HATE FISH. well, at least when my dad makes it with the head and tail on. and then he goes, go outside to excersize. fine. ok. I just know he wants me offline. grrrrrrthank you!
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   About TEXHNOLYZE
TEXHNOLYZE: possibly the best thing in the world. I LOVE IT!! it's so great. ok, it's by the makers of SE LAIN, and it's about this guy, Ichise. He's a boxer, but his coach orders his arm and leg cut off. Just before Ichise dies, a doctor takes him in and "texhnolyzes" him, or makes him a cyborg. at first, he rejects it, but eventually accepts it. there's also Yoshii, a strange man from the city above Lukuss(where ichise lives) his motives are unknown. and there's the girl, Ran. she's psychic. can see one future. this is about thenthank you!
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