Thursday, February 28, 2008

   rats!
no, not the adorable pet-kind like my sister has, or the bubonic-plague carrying monsters like in the Middle Ages, sewers, and KFC. The interjection of disappointment. synonymous with drat, dang, damn, fuck, shit, crap, darn, poop, etc.

So, I was really, REALLY hoping to move into an apartment in April. I'm fucking sick to death of dorm life, already. Not really, but I want an apartment. I figured I could save about $150 a MONTH. And also eat half-way edible food, because I'd be making it myself instead of letting someone else. I could decide what I want, and how I want it, and it would be for one person, so edible. Not to brag, but I'm a half-way decent cook.

Well. RATS! so much for that dream! I checked with my housing contract, and I have no choice but to stay in the university housing until my contract is up. That means, 4 more months of shitty food, shitty neighbors, shitty policies, and confusion. I MIGHT still try to get an apartment for the summer, stay here and work. I don't know. I need a job.

Badly. What sucks is, I have no real experience outside of volunteering at the animal shelter, and I can't even get credit for that because A.) they never bothered to learn my name, even though I was there at least once a week after school, and because B.) the lady who was in charge got fired for neglegence.

I'm still going to try to get a job. And to hope and dream for that apartment (and kitty). but we'll see where it goes.

Wish me luck!!!!thank you!
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

   am I dumped, or not???
I can't tell if Antonio still wants to be with me.

Seriously, I think he doesn't. He doesn't talk to me, and when he does, it's so short and cold. I'm pretty sure he's mad at me, for various reasons that I know, such as I've made friends and have been hanging out with them (also drinking), and I'm 1500 miles away. But I apologized to him for it. I acknowledged what I've done wrong, and am trying to change it. You'd think he'd at least try, too.

Every time, if I say "I love you" to him, he'll respond with "Ok." or "thanks." and that's about as wordy as he gets. I asked him if he even wants to see me, and he said, "I don't know."

I know that isn't exactly getting dumped, but damn. I may not be a good person, I'm not pretty, I'm not nice, I'm not friendly, or fun, or smart, or well-spoken, or feminine, or affectionate, but I think even I deserve to be with someone who actually loves me and wants to be with me. We all deserve someone who WANTS us and SUPPORTS us and LOVES us and treats us well. It's not that he's treating me necessarily BADLY, just like he's apathetic.

Maybe he doesn't CARE and he knows. Maybe he did something wrong he feels guilty for. But I know I've done something wrong. I know I have. I don't know exactly what, but I have. And I've apologized for what I think I've done, and if he'd tell me what I DID do wrong, I'd apologize for that and stop doing it, too. I'm not totally insincere; I'd mean my apology.

But if he doesn't want to accept it, or be with me, he shouldn't. I love him. I don't want to let him go. But I've been tired, and stressed, and worried about so many things that I'm fraying apart and losing patience with everything. So it sounds like I'm bitching and want to break up. I am bitching, but I do NOT want to break up with him. At ALL. No.

I'm just saying. Don't want to be with someone who resents me.

And speaking of losing patience and resentment, AFTER I spent however long crying over my boyfriend, and being frustrated and angry and irritated, Becky has her fucking retarded gay boyfriend over. She's always complaining about him, how she misses him, how she really likes him, how she never sees him -well, fucking guess what! he lives a block away. If he cheats on you, you'll find out. It's not my fault you don't see more of each other, I don't frankly give a shit. I'm 1500 miles from home, don't make friends easily, and my boyfriend doesn't give a shit about me.


So anyway. Jeff's over. And, by the time it's 2 in the morning, I'm giving up on my homework, am quite angry already, and dead fucking tired. I have to get up at 7:30 to go to class. Well, I go to go to sleep, and they will not shut the FUCK up. Jeff just keeps making a fucking lot of noise, which pissed me off, and Becky kept trying to shush him, but he wouldn't shush and she made a bunch of noise, too.

I was SO mad. I'm still in a fucking pissy mood, if you couldn't tell.

but now I've vented a little, and i'm gonna go take a shower and try not to want to die/kill too much. fuck.thank you!
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   blah. I HATE excel
dying...of boredom. i hate my fucking homework!!!

also relationships. no one should have them. i spent like, 30 minutes fucking trying not to cry because of mine. I don't think Antonio loves me anymore, honestly. I really, really don't.

Anyway back to homework. I wrote a 4 page paper in...well, minus the 30 minutes spent crying, like 2 hours. Very nice. Now I'm trying to work with Excel and it's not going so well. hrmmm last minutes are the WORST.

hungrrrryyyyy rawr. need to diet though.

ohh yeah. so, today was the Japan Night from 5-9 PM...my Japanese class runs from 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm today. So, naturally, I missed it to go to class. However the teacher had told us that if we did decide to go to Japan Night, it would be excused if we wrote an essay on everything that happened. I, having plenty of papers to write, declined and just went to class.

As did only THREE other people. The second class lasted 45 mintues with 4 people. the third was like 30 minutes with 4 people. Not the most fun, but at least we got out half an hour early.

my teachers were NOT pleased. but uchida-sensei was nicer at least.

ok you. enough distractions. back to business.thank you!
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Monday, February 25, 2008

   all good things must come to a close
I still love him, but i suspect he doesn't love me anymore. or that he's so frustrated with this long distance bullshit he's gonna end it. I don't want to be with someone who resents me, who doesn't want to be with me, and most of all, who doesn't love me.

Not saying I want it to end. Just saying, if it's going to, I want it to be fast and shart, like a bandaid or cutting myself. not that I will. Oh, no. I've found a new remedy for my troubles: drown them in cheap, shitty beer.

Since I was incredibly depressed last night, Chris and I got SMASHED. It was exactly what I needed. Normally, I'm gone after about 3 beers, so 5...WHOO!!!!

and it was perfect. When I was bordering on that terrible, "super depressed" drunk mode, I just passed out.

I vaguely remember half stripping. Because, I was wearing a flannel shirt, tank top, boobie bra (a hot topic one that gives me massive cleavage) because I need to do laundry, and jeans. Since I have a freckle on my hip that I love, I was pulling down my jean line to look at it. It's fine, just a little risque. Also, I took off the flannel shirt.

Poor Chris (I suspect might like me) was pulling my shirt up and Derek, the sober saint, was just laughing his ass off. Eventually I put the flannel back on. I slept with my pants and flannel shirt off, but the tank top still on. When I woke up, I looked down and said, "holy God, I have tits. hanging out there for the world, too."

xD LMAO when I was on my 5th beer, Chris was telling me that I should take it slowly because I was WAY too smashed, and telling me how my body absorbs alcohol, and that I would throw up if I didn't and stuff...but he was extremely drunk himself, and stumbling and slurring and all. I looked at him and said, "I shouldn't listen to YOU! You're DRUNK!"

xD love that line.

I know, I know. it's a terrible, retarded, stupid way to act, dangerous to do, and a waste of my everything. But dammit. I want to forget these trivial things that fuck me up. I want to have fun and I did. I don't need alcohol to have fun or anything, I'm not an alcoholic, and I don't let it get in the way of my life. I'm going to watch it better.

But I have so little time with Chris and Zack. and honestly, I DON'T regret it. I had fun, and I so very rarely have fun it feels like.

I think i'm always just looking for the next thing to pass my time...thank you!
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Saturday, February 23, 2008

   kids will be kids
last night, Chris, Derek, Zack, and I went a-wandering! it was fun. We walked for a really really long time, and it was great.

we are silly kids.

But I'm, um, yeah, and so, very emotional. Chris noticed my awkward mood swings, and was like, "what the fuck is wrong with you??? You're being so weird!"

Zack tried to explain, but, of course, Chris didn't get it until it was explicitly explained. ugh. Then he said, "I've never known anyone with such OBVIOUS ovulation."

gee. thanks.

At least he missed me bursting into tears. I'm serious. I was in Amanda's room, talking to Derek and Zack, when somehow we got onto the subject of Milo and Otis. I love that movie, but it ALWAYS makes me SO sad because it is SO bittersweet.

It's a metaphor for childhood and friendship and growing up and all, and, well, I said that. Next thing I know, my eyes are crying and I'm thinking, "what the fuck???"

I head to go down to my room, walking down the hall CRYING. I get to the stairs, and, it figures, the tears are done. I still went to my room, and found out Milo and Otis is originally a Japanese film!!!

huh!

Koneko Monogatari.

if you find me that, I will be FOREVER grateful (not the Japanese version)thank you!
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Friday, February 22, 2008

   argh get off of me, you're crushing my uterus!!!!!!
so last night, I went and hung out with Zack, Chris, and Ken for a while. We played our own various video games (mine was Sims), and then Ken, Chris, and I went to Chipotle.

Yummy burrito for starving me.

Once we had delcious sustinence, we went to 7-11 and bought beer. yeah, it's fucking disgusting, but whatever. We took all that up to ken's room to enjoy. My food was great, but my throat was hurting and ears popping and fucking hurting like a bitch. I only managed one beer.

We played Wii Super Mario Party 8. soooooo boring, oh my GOD. It was so boring. I hate video games, except Super Nintendo Super Mario Bros., Rock Band, Guitar Hero, and Sims. but it was fun hanging out with them; i like those guys.

I only had one beer, but Zack got really drunk, Chris and Ken got mildly drunk. Hilarious.

Once we were done with Mario Party, we went downstairs and played pool for a while. Chris bought MORE alchy -Mike's Hard- and I had a bottle because it is delicious soda-booze. He got really drunk off of it.

Also, I sodomized Chris in the ass with a pool cue. xDDD he then attacked me. And I poked Derek with the cue in the tummy twice when he wasn't looking. He looked up at me and asked whether I did it with the cue or my finger. I looked at him and said, "with my dick" the first time, then the second time he asked, "was that your dick again?"

but my head and ears were in misery, and I couldn't hear, so I thought he said "stick." I responded "Nooo. wait yeah." xDDD he then called me "drunk." which I was NOT.

When he, Chris, and I were playing pool, I was going to poke Derek, but he caught me, so I smiled at him like I've been known to, and he cracked up laughing. I asked, "whaaat?" in a girlish voice. He laughed, "you are SO innocent, you know that?"

Now, that offends me because Ken and Chris often call me Loli-jailbait, so I huffily asked what he meant. He just said I make a "perfect innocent-face."

xD They went to bed at about 3, then Chris threw up and I watched TV. We hung out, went back to his room, found Zack, played video games. I was bored by the video games, so I watched and fell in love with Jacob (Chris's roommate)'s hamster. It's so fucking adorable. and it loves me because I gave it a carrot.

Chris sat in my lap for a while (he tried to pick me up but because he is a skinny fucker, and I am heavier than I look), and I said, "I'm a human beanbag!" so he layed down and squished me >_<

I yelled, "OW!!! Fuck!!! get off of me, you're crushing my uterus!" and he burst out laughing because, well, I'm not sure why. but then I got tired and went to bed.

But I think this uterus-crushing business has a purpose. I was exactly on time. Need to remember to track this one.

My baby maker is funtioning perfectly, but is luckily baby-free. for now >_>

I'm going to buy a gerbil. maybe.

=( oh but I think Antonio is mad at me...i feel really bad...thank you!
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Thursday, February 21, 2008

   ohhhh baby!
So yesterday was the eclipse; super boring. I'm sorry, just not an astronomer...plus. i saw the one in August, and it was pretty boring.

So last night, I skipped biology because I was way too tired and...depressed? I'm not sure that's the right word, cos it was more like weary, apathetic, that sort of thing.

I slept for several hours, woke up, and then went downstairs where I watched tv and played pool. I suck. but it's fun.

Later, Erica and I went to Voodoo Donuts ^_^ this was a maybe 15 minute walk at midnight, and she was pretty freaked out. I, on the otherhand, am bordering on dangerously confident when it comes to walking outdoors at night. I don't particularly like to ALONE, but I'm okay. I'm an aggressive walker, my SD teacher says xD

So we went there. some lady was asking us for money and I said, "I don't have any change, but I'll buy you a donut" so I bought her one, and a big box for mis amigos! we enjoyed them. Then, after more pool, Chris, Ken, and I all split a 12 pack. I had 4 beers and Oh. My. God. I was drunk.

stupidest idea ever. seriously. but, to be fair, it was damn fun. They were picking on me, calling me a "loli" as in "lolita" because I look fucking 15. Also, they called me "jailbait" and patted my head several times. Chris is like 6'2" and is obsessed with calling me short, even though I'm perfectly average. Right on the average women's height dot.

They also tickled me, we compared legs, we talked a LOTTTTT about sex, who's done what and so on, I wound up half-taking my shirt off (from the back) to show Ken my tattoo, and they smoked a tabacco pipe. yuck.

I wound up so drunk, Chris walked me back to my room where i went in, took off my clothes, and passed out (in pajamas). Next thing I know, it's 8:30 in the morning and I'm laying on a pen and a brush.

THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

In Self Defense, we FINALLY got to fight the padded attacker. It was super fun!!!! I went second because the teacher thought I was the second shortest person in class (nooo)...and damn it was fun

He grabbed my wrist and I said "let go" several times. I managed to wrench my hands free, but he kept coming, and my attacks were half-assed. After a short scuffle he got me on the ground, BUT I managed to roll around so I didn't get choked. He was sitting on me at one point and I said, really angrily, "get the FUCK off me"

xDDD everyone started laughing.

it was sooo much fun!!!!!!! i can't wait to fight again. maybe I'll go get myself into a situation >_>

...maybe notthank you!
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

   it seems everything precious is slipping farther and farther away...
why am I so depressed all of a sudden? I know this is temporary, it will pass, but...it feels so fucking heavy.

I hate this. this heavy feeling. like i'm sinking slowly. like there's miles of ocean above me, and miles below me. like i can't breathe and there's no light and no sound and only fear and anxiety.

Everything I really love is back home: pets, family, friends, HOME, bed, stuff, everything. Why the hell did I come out here, distancing myself from those precious things?

and my memories are fading, it feels like. My memory is usually really good, but it feels like i'm losing touch. can it really be over 4 years since i started high school? can it really be 4 years ago that da-kun influenced me so? Costa Rica was 2 and a half years ago, Japan 1 and a half. Meeting Antonio was almost 3 years ago. Meeting Tamara was...Jesus, how long ago was it? almost 12 years ago.

My uncle dying (not a precious memory), that was like 8 years ago. Grandpa Bainbridge was 6 years ago, Great-Grandpa was 5. Lain died almost a year ago already; it doesn't feel like it's been that long!!!

Austin is...what, going on 8, already? Keanu is 2...I'm already 18 and all I can see ahead of me is life. I'm excited for the important things...but I feel like i'm in a transition state, i'm still testing the waters. Still waiting for something monumentous to happen.

will that be my life? always wanting something already past, or never to come? waiting for something to happen that never will? I want to be done with school for good already, but at the same time, the prospect scares me. once I'm done with school, everything I've ever loved and ever lost and ever experienced will be even farther away and more loosely remembered. and I'll have that lifetime ahead to experience and love and lose again. continually.

in memory, i can come so close to the actual instant I was there. i can put myself back in that exact same position and be there for just a second, in flashes, in breaks, in faltering streams of conciousness.

...this is far more emo than i'd expected, but it's 3:30 am, I'm extremely depressed, sick, and something else I can't quite put my finger on...restless? nostalgic? anticipating? something else all together?thank you!
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Monday, February 18, 2008

   my mood is a blenderful of not quite wonderful
and all of a sudden I am in the mood to write. that sucks. especially since...well, I can't because at. this. very. moment. I am on Yahoo video with Antonio.

Highly disappointed to realize that I'm the only one with the video/web camera, so he can't show me my pets... I kind of started crying when I realized I won't see my Pickle or Miss Kitty on webcam. disappointment sucks.

Much like when Tamara (sister) said she won't come out here during spring break. i'm not mad, just disappointed. that's what i get for expecting something, for hoping. she said she won't come because my dad is coming.

i don't think he is anymore. i hope he isn't...

anyway. so...friday, uhmm what did we do friday? it was something...

Friday night, I hung out with the usual gang -Chris, Zack, Amanda, Derek, Erica, Ken- and we played pool and listened to music and stuff. then, we went to the store, and I bought a bunch of stuff to make cake.

Chris, on the other hand, got caught stealing wine xD lmao. he is now banned from Safeway xD

Anyway. back at Ken's dorm, I made a fucking awesome gay cake. it was the rainbow chip kind...let me get a picture of it before it was cut, up.



look at that poor crooked thing =(

the penis would have been better formed, but they were playing Mario Party on the Wii and needed me to masturbate it for Ken AND Chris. double handed. oh yeah.

after cake, we stayed up a while longer playing more pool, watching tv, snacking, and just hanging out. Eventually we went to mcdonald's for breakfast when it opened. then Erica went to bed, Chris, Zack, and I watched movies until 9 when I went to sleep.

Saturday night we watched more movies, but i was really really sick. so we went to 711 and got a bunch of junk. also played some pool. felt sorry for myself. you know.

it wound up being 9 til i went to bed again. i watched I am Legend with Chris.

that's my day. boring, yeah?thank you!
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Friday, February 15, 2008

   i feel pretty, oh so pretty, and pretty, and ...uh...
anyway. Valentine's Day...I already DID a rant on that, I will refrain from doing another.

But, much as I hate the holiday, Antonio is a sweetie. He sent me pictures of my pets...awwwwwwwwwwwwww I was SO ridiculously happy to see them ^^

see, he's house sitting and pet sitting for my mom while my mom goes back to Indiana.

you gotta knoooooowwwwwwwwwwww things.

stupid Steven Colbert.

Also, my dad sent me $100 for valentine's day. NOT complaining; i desperately needed money until i can get a job...I was in fact considering calling my father and ASKING for money. bad idea. glad I didn't have to.

awwwwwwww also, ^^ Saturday is my adorably darling nephew Keanu's 2nd birthday. I can't believe my Nunu is gonna be 2!!!!! I don't care if you don't like kids, I love my nephews and cousins a LOT. I think they're adorable and sweet and funny. Annoying at times, but not all the time. that's any body.

xD crazy Steven Colbert. He went to the Air and Space Museum, and was telling kids the fucked up version of history. very confusing. then, this kid raises his hand, and says "I like planes cos they go fast"

xDDDDDDDDD I laughed hard.

I wish drinking beer gave me the ability to talk to animals. damn. I'd be so happy. I'd be talking with my fish right now. no I wouldn't I haven't had any.

my friends are great. Last night, I was an emo piece of shit, being all depressed, and Zack and Chris were so unsure of what to do. LOL I was laying there staring at the ceiling, and they'd just glance at me every so often with concerned expressions. ^^

But I listened to the Pixies and cheered up. Do you like the Pixies? I love 'em. they make me happy when I am blue.

hey, that is gonna be my dauther's middle name ^^ when/if/ever i have a daughter >_>thank you!
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