Saturday, September 1, 2007

   hey, fuck you!
This is my choice, and fuck you for making me feel guilty. This is what I want, for me, and fuck you for not accepting that. Fuck you for not supporting me. I guess you don't get it: this is going to be good for me! And you don't understand that nothing you can say is going to stop me. You're just driving me away even more.

Don't fucking tell me what I already know. I'm not fucking stupid, I don't make a huge decision without thinking everything through. I realize everything is going to change, that I'll miss my pets and friends. But I weighed everything, and the benefits outweigh the losses. I wouldn't do this if it wasn't what I wanted or needed.

By doing this, I will grow! I'll force myself outside this comfort zone I don't even really have here. I'll be forced to talk to people, to study, to work, learn, travel, see new things. Through expanding my surroundings, experiences, ideas, horizons -my very world, physical and mental!- I will become stronger, smarter, kinder, braver, more apt to deal with whatever comes my way unforeseen.

This is a big university. Community college is good, but I'd think you would understand why I want to go to a big university. You went to a big, out of state university. You must have felt as trapped as I am feeling. I have nothing against community college, but I think I belong at a university. I belong where I'm going. That's WHY I'm going. I want the experience YOU had, but better. I want the freedom, the chance to spread my wings. Going to a university is within my realm of possibilities and I can't see why you are so against me doing what I want.

Of course I'm a bit scared, and sad, but constant guilt trips, petty baiting, complaining, and other bitching won't make me change my mind. Why you even think you have a say in this, I don't know. This was 100% up to me. No one else told me to do this, no one else told me to go, no one else told me to leave. And no one else told me not to, no one else told me to stay, no one else told me everything that can go wrong with selfish motives, no one else has told me that I will fail, or hate it.

In any case, you haven't done much for me. You've always complained about any expense I cost you. Fucking suicide? Nah, she doesn't need to see a doctor. Who paid for Costa Rica, Japan, PSEO, college application fees, clothes, doctors visits, braces, dentist, school needs, spending money, shoes, gadgets, books -you wouldn't buy me a fucking BOOK-, vacations, almost EVERYTHING? Well. It wasn't YOU. And you won't be helping me with college, so why should you have a say in it?

You believe I'll fail, in so much. No faith in me, ah? Well, fuck you! I do what I want! I'm NOT a puppet, slave, tool, and I'm NOT under your command. I'm NOT yours to command. I'm a free person. Let me do what I want. You think you can control me? Fuck you. You think I can't do this? Fuck you. You think I won't do this? Fuck you. And if you think I'm wrong, so what, fuck you.

It sure fucking feels like you don't want me to be happy. Fuck you. It doesn't seem like you want me to have dreams. Fuck off. I don't think you want me to achieve what dreams I do have, the way you always shoot me down. Go to hell and fuck the devil. This is me, it's what I want, I NEVER complain to you, I always cave to your bitching, so for once, let me say, "FUCK YOU," and make myself happy.

Don't I deserve happiness? Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck off, fucker, you fucked cunt, you fucking prick dickwad bastard. Just. Fuck. Off. Leave me the fuck alone, and let me move on with my fucking life. Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you.
thank you!
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