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myOtaku.com
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• texhnolyze23
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• 1989-10-23
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Female
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• keep portland weird!
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• 2004-08-02
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• irresponsible semi-adult
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• Julie
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• graduating high school with honors, speak/write/read fair Japanese, travel
Anime Fan Since
• 5th grade~ish
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• となりのトトロ (Totoro), Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Perfect Blue, and Akira.
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• save the rainforest, of course
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• music, sleeping, reading, writing, drawing, walking, animals
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• i'm good with animals
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008
it seems everything precious is slipping farther and farther away...
why am I so depressed all of a sudden? I know this is temporary, it will pass, but...it feels so fucking heavy.
I hate this. this heavy feeling. like i'm sinking slowly. like there's miles of ocean above me, and miles below me. like i can't breathe and there's no light and no sound and only fear and anxiety.
Everything I really love is back home: pets, family, friends, HOME, bed, stuff, everything. Why the hell did I come out here, distancing myself from those precious things?
and my memories are fading, it feels like. My memory is usually really good, but it feels like i'm losing touch. can it really be over 4 years since i started high school? can it really be 4 years ago that da-kun influenced me so? Costa Rica was 2 and a half years ago, Japan 1 and a half. Meeting Antonio was almost 3 years ago. Meeting Tamara was...Jesus, how long ago was it? almost 12 years ago.
My uncle dying (not a precious memory), that was like 8 years ago. Grandpa Bainbridge was 6 years ago, Great-Grandpa was 5. Lain died almost a year ago already; it doesn't feel like it's been that long!!!
Austin is...what, going on 8, already? Keanu is 2...I'm already 18 and all I can see ahead of me is life. I'm excited for the important things...but I feel like i'm in a transition state, i'm still testing the waters. Still waiting for something monumentous to happen.
will that be my life? always wanting something already past, or never to come? waiting for something to happen that never will? I want to be done with school for good already, but at the same time, the prospect scares me. once I'm done with school, everything I've ever loved and ever lost and ever experienced will be even farther away and more loosely remembered. and I'll have that lifetime ahead to experience and love and lose again. continually.
in memory, i can come so close to the actual instant I was there. i can put myself back in that exact same position and be there for just a second, in flashes, in breaks, in faltering streams of conciousness.
...this is far more emo than i'd expected, but it's 3:30 am, I'm extremely depressed, sick, and something else I can't quite put my finger on...restless? nostalgic? anticipating? something else all together?thank you!
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