Wednesday, February 27, 2008

   am I dumped, or not???
I can't tell if Antonio still wants to be with me.

Seriously, I think he doesn't. He doesn't talk to me, and when he does, it's so short and cold. I'm pretty sure he's mad at me, for various reasons that I know, such as I've made friends and have been hanging out with them (also drinking), and I'm 1500 miles away. But I apologized to him for it. I acknowledged what I've done wrong, and am trying to change it. You'd think he'd at least try, too.

Every time, if I say "I love you" to him, he'll respond with "Ok." or "thanks." and that's about as wordy as he gets. I asked him if he even wants to see me, and he said, "I don't know."

I know that isn't exactly getting dumped, but damn. I may not be a good person, I'm not pretty, I'm not nice, I'm not friendly, or fun, or smart, or well-spoken, or feminine, or affectionate, but I think even I deserve to be with someone who actually loves me and wants to be with me. We all deserve someone who WANTS us and SUPPORTS us and LOVES us and treats us well. It's not that he's treating me necessarily BADLY, just like he's apathetic.

Maybe he doesn't CARE and he knows. Maybe he did something wrong he feels guilty for. But I know I've done something wrong. I know I have. I don't know exactly what, but I have. And I've apologized for what I think I've done, and if he'd tell me what I DID do wrong, I'd apologize for that and stop doing it, too. I'm not totally insincere; I'd mean my apology.

But if he doesn't want to accept it, or be with me, he shouldn't. I love him. I don't want to let him go. But I've been tired, and stressed, and worried about so many things that I'm fraying apart and losing patience with everything. So it sounds like I'm bitching and want to break up. I am bitching, but I do NOT want to break up with him. At ALL. No.

I'm just saying. Don't want to be with someone who resents me.

And speaking of losing patience and resentment, AFTER I spent however long crying over my boyfriend, and being frustrated and angry and irritated, Becky has her fucking retarded gay boyfriend over. She's always complaining about him, how she misses him, how she really likes him, how she never sees him -well, fucking guess what! he lives a block away. If he cheats on you, you'll find out. It's not my fault you don't see more of each other, I don't frankly give a shit. I'm 1500 miles from home, don't make friends easily, and my boyfriend doesn't give a shit about me.


So anyway. Jeff's over. And, by the time it's 2 in the morning, I'm giving up on my homework, am quite angry already, and dead fucking tired. I have to get up at 7:30 to go to class. Well, I go to go to sleep, and they will not shut the FUCK up. Jeff just keeps making a fucking lot of noise, which pissed me off, and Becky kept trying to shush him, but he wouldn't shush and she made a bunch of noise, too.

I was SO mad. I'm still in a fucking pissy mood, if you couldn't tell.

but now I've vented a little, and i'm gonna go take a shower and try not to want to die/kill too much. fuck.thank you!
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