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• texhnolyze23
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• 1989-10-23
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Female
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• keep portland weird!
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• 2004-08-02
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• irresponsible semi-adult
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• Julie
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• graduating high school with honors, speak/write/read fair Japanese, travel
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• 5th grade~ish
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• となりのトトロ (Totoro), Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Perfect Blue, and Akira.
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• save the rainforest, of course
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• i'm good with animals
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Friday, June 6, 2008
sigh. fucking emo
I'm not trying to be negative. Today I'm just emo. Not the kind of emo where I cut myself; that's reserved for unrelenting, blinding rage.
anyway. just down today. don't really know why.
can't seem to get over shit. like, how my whole family doesn't give a fuck about me. how they've excluded, demeaned, and judged me. how they ONLY think about themselves sometimes. I know we all do.
I want to forgive them totally. I don't hate them, but I don't trust them. And I can't seem to remove myself enough to not be hurt by all these bad memories. There are good memories there, too. Not really with them, but with my REAL family, the kind who loved me. Cos that's what family is, right?
And I hate the judgment thing. People call me "Mexican't" because I'm a white girl who wants to be Mexican. Well...not entirely. I am who I am, that's fine. I know all white people aren't the shit bags I happen to be related to.
But I really hate to be judged like that. They blame me for not liking them; they don't even know what they've done. They don't care.
I kind of feel like I'm low-man on the totem pole of everyone's priority list. I feel like I've lost everyone back home, and that soon I'll be losing home. This is obviously just a bunch of self-pitying CRAP but I have to get it off my chest somehow, better this than to keep mulling it over and over.
Maybe I've been watching so much tv is because I'm lonely? They say that when you watch tv, the same part of your brain reacts as the part that recognizes friends. How sad.
But whatever. I'll get over it. I'll pretend until it goes away. I go home so very, very soon. Hopefully it will be better then.
I'll try to keep positive until then. This calls for some Pixies recuperation.
also, I feel pukey and headachey. thank you!
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