Sunday, September 19, 2004

   today....
I felt really bad today. My mom was all tired from working last night, and she told me to cook the ravioli for church while she took a shower. I turned on the stove and everything, but it turns out, I had the pot on the bak burner, when it was supposed to be the front. I did not know that it was formatted like that! my mom just freaks out and starts screaming at me, and I kinda was like, ...yeah.

and then she WON"T STOP YELLING! I kinda blocked the memory already, but she was just sreaming! you know, I'm not good enough, don't do anything right, yadda yadda yadda. I just SNAPPED.

we were in the kitchen, me looking sorta mad but calm, and then BOM! I bent over, crying, saying loudly, but not yelling until the last word, "well, I hate my life, I hate everything, I'd rather be anywhere than here, I'll just DIE!"

my mom: well, why don't you? I wish you WOULD.

me: I WILL I'LL KILL MYSELF!

I ran to the bathroom, and started to fill up the bathtub. I wanted to call my friends and say good bye, but I couldn't, so I had it about 5 inches full, then my mom opens the door and starts screaming again

mom: why are you trying to kill yourself? everytime I ask you to do something, you'd rather be dead! stupid girl, I know you do these things and have no respect for me, it's so unfair to me, i work all the fucking time, blah blah blah.

me: I do try to help you, and every time I do, you find something wrong with it so you can be a bitch.

mom: no, you do it badly on purpose, so you won't have to do it again. I'm not letting you do anything you want to ever again I won't buy you any more stuff. I'm not your fucking slave!(I don't mess up on purpose)

me: I know, but you refuse to believe a single goddammed word I say anyway, so i'll just die!

mom: that's always how it is! when you get mad, you break my stuff, your stuff, you start cutting on yourself! you had beautiful skin and you ruined it!

me: no, I never did!

she goes on yelling, but I just had a breakdown. I grabbed my hair and PULLED, and started pacing back and forth, hyperventalaiting. I was trying to, but I couldn't stop.

mom: all you're gonna get from that is pass out

me:**can't stop**

then she acted almost worried and was trying to hold me still, but I'm so much stronger than her that she couldn't hold on and I couldn't stop until I DID pass out for like a minute. then I wake back up and she's saying
"you know, I don't appreciate it when you talk badly about my mother! you know she's my mother, and I love her more than anything! I love her! It hurts me when you talk badly about her!"

I just sat there and let her talk until, "Well you know WHAT?! even before I hated my dad, she was telling me all these bad things about him to me! it hurt me, too!"

my mom: "I always tried very hard to not say bad things about your father in front of you!"

me: NO! SHE said it, not YOU! she was saying about how he's a selfish, rude, disgusting, worhtless ASS HOLE at the restaraunt! I started CRYING! and all you said in this stupid voice is "she's right, you know." you know how that made me FEEL? like you BOTH were saying that I"M like that too! and I know she blames me for all EVERYBODY's problems! Why doesn't she like ME?!

mom: She does like you! like just doesn't mean always letting you get your own way!

me: well, then she must like my other cousins less than me because she treats them like equals, like adults, lets them get what they want, makes me listen to them, and they're NINE!

mom: blah! that's RIDICULOUS!

she went on to talk, but you know what? it's TRUE! we went there this year, and all she could do was find fault with me, like always. she gave my two little cousins the beaters from the cookie dough, and wouldn't let me in the kitchen while they ate them. It's not about the beaters; i get them all the time. it's about: why did I get left out? I wouldn't have CARED if they got them, why didn't she tell me like an adult? does she think I would have a fit? i USED to do that when I was 7! now I try to be mature, and still get treated like a fucking baby, so i do it anyway. I can't win!(I only found out what was going on after my mom told me, "that's my fault. I told her to let them have them since you get them more often." she didn't comprehend that it was about not being told, not being given.)

also! whenever I say I don't wanna play with my cousins at family get togethers, she and my mom say, "they only get to see twice a year."

I never said this because I'd just get myself beat again, but "well, its the same for everybody else! why should THEY not get to see me? I'll tell you why: BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES ME BECAUSE I'M THE BASTARD CHILD! everybody likes my mom so much, but it's her fault she acted like a slut, not mine, so why do you take out your grudge on me? and if you DON"T like me, tell me! don't just shun me or treat me like shit!"

I honestly don't think anybody but those little cousins who told on me care. they only seemed to care that I was cutting myself, and that I was in pain. they told my mom so she would help me. but has she? NO! she only uses it to ridicule me, and make me feel bad, hasn't done a damn thing to try to find out what's wrong.

at church today, I brought a bottle of ibruprofen, and mixed it all in with water, and I was gonna drink it, but the dye was the only thing that came off, and the medicine was all chunky at the bottom, and it tasted bad, so I flushed it. but I still want to die.

please, am I overreacting, or being too one sided, or something? I won't get mad if you tell me how you feel, and this is pretty much as seen in my eyes. I know I only mess up my mom's life and don't do anything right and am stupid, and not the perfect daughter she imagined, like when i was younger, and I was playing in the house, and I broke a picture and a thingie from her childhood. I felt really bad. I always break her stuff. still. it hurts when she tells me i'm not good enough, even when I try.

**is crying too hard to say anything else**thank you!
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