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• texhnolyze23
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• 1989-10-23
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Female
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• keep portland weird!
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• 2004-08-02
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• irresponsible semi-adult
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• Julie
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• graduating high school with honors, speak/write/read fair Japanese, travel
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• 5th grade~ish
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• となりのトトロ (Totoro), Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Perfect Blue, and Akira.
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• save the rainforest, of course
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• music, sleeping, reading, writing, drawing, walking, animals
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• i'm good with animals
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Sunday, October 17, 2004
worries
this is secret and confidential, although i don't care who you tell, but I think i'm bipolar/have maniac depression. for those uninformed people, maniac depression is where the victim has two extremes: a high and a low. The low is like, suicide, everythings gray, depression, hopelessness, and dullness. the highs include extreme joy, anger, confidence. a lot of things can trigger a change, or it can be nothing.
but anyway, i haven't talked to a doctor about this or anything,but I should. you see, i have points where I'm SO freaking happy!!! It's like nothing bad could happen. then, BOOM!!! the next minute, I just feel so damn depressed, I want to fucking die.
the periods usually change around the day or week, but it changes a lot. also, I can be relatively calm, but them i just get pissed off really easily.
It kind of scares me. I don't want to be a pill popper. and besides, prozack has been known to increase the suicide rate in kids. I don't really want to live, but I don't want to hurt God or go to hell or anything. seriously, if it weren't for that, I would have been dead a good 8 months ago. or even in June. I had a serious breakdown then. It scared me; all i did was cry for no good reason, try to drown myself, cut, and cry in the darkness.
man. I hate this. I wish i could be permanently on the high point. at least then, i really don't want to die. having suicidal tendencies and thoughts for 11 months is not a good thing, is it?
and I mean, i really don't have a rough life. my mom loves me, my friends care. i do well in school. i have pets, i get almost all the material things I want, i look bad, but not the worst. i have good physical health. nobody's ever REALLY abused me for long periods of time. I should stop being so spoiled and be brave.
but I can't help it. I just want to die. and I feel bad. I won't kill myself, I think. My friends might do the same, and we'll all go to hell, which is not good. i just sit in my room sometimes, begging God to let someone in and have them shoot me in the headthank you!
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