Sunday, December 26, 2004

   Dear Crabby 1
Dear Crabby,

A couple months ago, I did something that made most of my extended family pretty mad, but they're a bunch of hippie-crap holier-than-thou type people, and everybody else I asked if it would offend them said "no."

anyway, I recently got a christmas card from my grandmother and grandfather. It was blatantly without thought. it did not say my name on the inside, like most grandparents are so inclined to do. It said "lots of love and kisses, Grandma and Grandpa Brubaker."

yeah, right. they never liked me much anyway, because I'm not a preppy moron with a bazillion idiot friends and not a boy crazy slut. also because I have a temper and yell and don't take crap like they think i should and because I have a brain, and because I don't suck up to people I don't like. if I don't like somebody, I am not little ms. best friend to them. i ignore them, but my grandparents seem to think that I should try to have as many fuckin friends as possible, and I just don't tolerate that well.

anyway, what was i talking about? oh yeah. well, they sent me the meaningless words on a card, but they did the same thing everybody does: excluded me. its not the money; i don't care about money. it's the fact that they didn't send me money, but gave it to all my other cousins. there's the slight possibility of they couldn't afford it, but they would have said something.

like I said, I don't care about the money, but they DELIBERATELY excluded me. I already live 3 driving days away, and hardly ever see them, but they treat me all different all the time.

I don't think they think that my mom is a good parent, because they always boss me around like crazy, like I was THEIR fuckin kid, and not their niece, and treat me like a goddamn baby. and then whenever she's around them, my mom thinks she's gotta be "super strict mommy" because she yells at me for NOTHING. she's just like "SHUT UP! DON"T TALK! BLAH! DON"T TOUCH THAT! ASK FIRST! DON"T WEAR THOSE CLOTHES! DON"T SIT THERE! STOP CRYING!" she's freakin stupid around them.

need proof? a couple years ago, back when I still genuinely loved my otousan, me, my mom, and my grandma went to a Pizza Hut. I was maybe 11? My mom went to the bathroom, and I started talking about my otousan taking me somewhere, and my Grandma said,

"He's never taken you anywhere. He promises you all this stuff and he never makes good on it. He's selfish! all he ever thinks about is himself!!! He's greedy and rude and he isn't worth anything! He's bad. He's lazy, too. All he cares about is himself. You really ARE his daughter."

and I just sat there, crying, not tears-down-the-face, but sobbing, shuddering, trying-not-to-wail-too-loud crying. She kept talking bad about him and saying how much I was like them, and all I hoped was that my mom would come save me, tell her to stop, tell her it wasn't right, tell me it wasn't true. But when my mom got back and saw me CRYING, and I told her what was wrong, she just looked at me so cold, and said, "it's true."

every now and again, when she's pissed at me, she'll start yelling and stuff and why-don't-you-love-my-family type shit. and then I;ll say something along the lines of "she doesn't like ME either! and she's been petty like that since i was LITTLE!"

and she'll say "no, she has NOT!"

then I say "she bad mouthed my dad before I even hated him! I WAS CRYING!"

and my mom will say she tried her hardest not to talk bad about my father in front of me.

I'll say "well, SHE didn't! she didn't TRY at ALL! She didn't even give a shit that I was crying!I WAS 12!!!!!!!!!"

AND my mom will say "well, that was wrong of her. she shouldn't have done that."

and I'll reply, "you're the one that made it worse. You said she was right when all I had to save me was the thought that you would come tell her to stop."

she;ll say nothing.

it's like, if you see something going on that's wrong, shouldn't you try to stop it? if you think it's so wrong at the time, why don't you try to stop it, not say it was wrong after you HELPED it? if I saw something I knew was wrong, I would try to make it right.

plus, i have it going against me that I'm the family black sheep and bastard child. my grandma thought at first that i shouldn't have even been BORN if it was out of wedlock!!! right now, not existing is ok with me, but can you imagine somebody wishing Nonexistance on their own grandchild just because they were concieved and born when the parents weren't married!

of course, she was all happy that I'm a girl. I'm the oldest granddaughter. she was so much like, "where's that baby?" when I was too small to have a spirit.

anyway, that's my rant, Dear Crabby. What's your thoughts and advice?thank you!
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