Friday, April 15, 2005

   do I throw up or just curl up and cry?!
fuck.

ok, this is gonna be long, sorry, but I need to get my feelings out. it's driving me INSANE. i hate this.

ok ok. ok. this is hard, forgive me. ok. last year, i met this guy. I'll call him..."Dan." I met Dan last year, and he's a good 4 years older than me. He's almost 20. who cares.

ok, so we started talking and we're 'friends' now (but we haven't talked in a couple of months) and I've known for a while how I feel about him (LOVE) ok.

he comes to me and tells me all the shit (and good stuff) that happens to him, and I encourage him and stuff. but a little while ago, his gf was prostituting herself behind his back. all he wanted was to help her. they tried to get back together, but they've broken up.

and yeah. he's moved on, I think. He says he met someone who looks a lot like me. yeah. freaky, huh? I'm hoping to God and back that he's not dating her, because that'd be too much. It'd be like, literally seeing myself with him, and being left behind.

that's how I feel...left behind. I mean, I thought I was over him, I thought I was gonna be OK. but he just starts talking to me, and it breaks my heart. sometimes I think he doesn't even remember I exist, and other times, I hope he thinks about me. it just drives me insane.

so I got this email from him today, and it was the most he's said to me in forever. he sounds a lot like normal. I hope he's ok, God, please let him be okay...yeah. so he sounds cool.

but the thought of him being with someone who looks like me...it just rips me apart. i mean, I've realized that he's not going to be with me, and i'm just like his little sister. just...if he's with her, and she looks like me...what the hell. it's like...a dream. watching my fantasy with someone who looks like me.

maybe it's just in my head. he only says he met her, he didn't say if he's dating her. but if he is... i feel like he's the only person I'll ever love.

I really don't know how I feel. confused and hurt and happy and lonely and sick sounds most like it. goddammit. i just...i feel like my heart is being pressed slowly beneath a steamroller. I feel like someone's laying on my chest. I want to cry, but lately, it's been impossible. I've TRIED to cry, i've WANTED to, but it won't come out. I'm beyond that. I wish I hadn't stopped.

but anyway, even in gym, running...it was like I couldn't breathe. and I feel like throwing up. I feel like curling up and dying. crying. but it won't work, it's all hopeless. I know I can smile again, I do. I laugh when my friends say something funny, but it feels so forced, and when I do enjoy myself, it only takes a minute for me to stop my happiness. all for him. how STUPID.

goddammit. and then there's the fact that someone at school really likes me. I have an idea (I'm not going to say anything, how embarrassing if i'm wrong) and I like him too. but I know that if I did go out with him, I'd be pining for "dan" and distant (i'm like that anyway) and it wouldn't be fair to him. besides, in the unlikely event that 'dan" did want to be with me, i'd kill my chance with him. I can't cheat. that's just not me, that's just not right.

and I can't tell "dan" how I feel, it's better to have contact with him as my friend than to be without him and constantly worry about what he's doing and not telling me. it'd be so stressed and awkward if he rejected it.

ok, it's just killing me. if you bothered to read this, you have my eternal gratitude. I didn't expect anyone to read this, but I just needed to say my mind, because I sure as hell can't talk to my shrink about how much I love this guy who's almost 20 and lives far away.
thank you!
Comments (0)